Music tip:
Lana Del Rey - Ride
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For You

Chapter 21:
To fight Yourself

[several months later]

Adam tried to be as quiet as possible, as he carefully carried the tray towards his bedroom without letting everything fall due to his overactive dogs, which were running around his legs. Slowly he entered the room through the already open door and glanced to their large bed. She was already awake.

"Gosh dang it, Alesa, I wanted to surprise you!"

With big eyes she blinked at him, the tray and the dogs, before she erupted with pure joy. "You did! What have I done to deserve this?" she asked with glowing eyes and sat up on the blanket. Her long, slightly tanned legs were positioned left and right of her slim body, which was wrapped in one of his shirts. Obviously it was too large for her, but nonetheless she looked absolutely stunning with the content look on her face, the happy smile and the messy red hair.

"Stupid question," he answered grinning and carefully placed the tray on one side of the bed, before he sat down beside her. "Do I need a reason for spoiling you?" Her giggle made Adam lean forward to give her a sweet and soft kiss, then he lay down and placed his head in her lap. "Can you feed me?"

Half an hour later he had his eyes closed and enjoyed the warming sun on his face, while Alesa absentmindedly stroked his hair. It was one of those rare days he felt absolutely content with himself and his life. He had a beautiful and loving girlfriend, he felt at home and was eager to get to the office later on to record some videos with his friends.
It had been hard work to reach this point in his life, but it had been worth it.

Finally he was in a position to let things go.
To let him go. Right?

He had done everything he could to forget Mitch.
Adam breathed in sharply, because the name still hurt as much as the memory of him did. In time he had grown to love Alesa. She had been by his side, when Adam had hated his choices and his loving heart to a point where he had even deleted the links to his channel, so he wouldn't be reminded of him anymore. She had been by his side, when he had regretted his mistakes and had wished for him to be by his side.
Not once had she left, even though it must've hurt her nearly as much back then. Adam knew from the beginning that she was in love with him, due to her confession when they had first kissed. When things had started to go downhill between Mitch and him.

"What are you thinking about?" Alesa quietly asked and continued to caress his hair, while her face appeared above his. Her flaming red hair framed her small face and with a smile he stroked her cheek. "That I want nothing to change."
She didn't smile as he had expected her to do. Instead she sighed and stared at him for another few seconds, before she pressed on, "I fear that's not the only thing you've been thinking about, am I right?"

"Why do you-" he tried to deny, but she interrupted him with a look on her face that scared him. Something was going on.

"It's Mitch, isn't it?"
Adam grew pale and wasn't able to formulate an answer. How did she know?!

"Every time you think about him you frown and you have this sad look in your eyes with which you came home all those months ago," she sighed and answered his unasked question. "I tried to get rid of it over the months, but no matter what I do, it never disappears. Every once in a while you have to think of him, don't you?"

Adam closed his eyes and nodded. Her hand lay still on top on his head.
She had always been incredibly attentive, since he had first met her all those years ago. He should've known that he couldn't keep something like this a secret from her. Alesa wasn't the type to be underestimated.
"I'm sorry, Alesa-" he began quickly and opened his eyes again, but she silenced him with a soft kiss on his lips. The smile on her face confused him.

"Don't be, you can't influence your feelings, can you?"
Adam forced himself to sat up and leave the comfortable position he had been in. Her actions didn't make any sense for him and the worry inside of him grew. Something was up. There had to be a reason.
"Then why did you address it in the first place?"

"Because I want us to last, Adam. I want us to grow old together and to have kids."
He couldn't look her in the eyes, while he sat on the edge of the bed. She deserved someone better after all that he had indirectly done to her, but she still wanted him. His heart swelled with love for her and another feeling he wanted to get rid of.

"I want you, Adam, but I don't want to be your second best for the rest of my life. So I want you to decide. You have to make your mind up between him and me."
She had embraced him from behind and put her head on his shoulder, but no matter how lovely her voice was, her words pierced him to the heart. He had feared something like that for months now.

"I need some time to think about it."

"Of course."

"I have to go to work now."

"Ok. …I love you."
She seemed hesitant and regretful for finally addressing this certain topic and Adam felt bad for trying to push her away, even if it was just for a moment. "I love you, too," he whispered with a smile and turned around to give her another kiss.

As soon as he was in his car, he opened the windows and breathed in the fresh air. His chest felt a little less heavy and the driving cleared his mind from the fear of what was to come now.

He loved Alesa.
…but was he willing to spend eternity with her?

That was what she had been referring to, wasn't it? She wanted to take the next step and to make him her own. A part of him was glowing with joy that she loved him so dearly, but the other one was too afraid of what would be waiting for him. They were still so young, things could change between them, it could be over sooner than expected, as it had been with Mitch-

Right.
And then there was Mitch.

Adam had tried everything to erase him from his life, but the smart and charming Canadian had always been in his mind. How was he doing? Did he still live somewhere near Montreal? Was he in a relationship? Was he alright? Did something happen to him since Adam hadn't been around? Mitch was the kind of person, who forgot to care for himself once he was too engrossed in something captivating. But he had his family, Jerome and all of his other friends, right?

Somehow the thought of Mitch was sticking to his mind and the restless feeling forced Adam to stop the car on a small parking lot at the side of the road. He just needed to make sure he was doing fine, then he could go on with his life and be there for Alesa…
With a sigh he picked up his phone.

Could he really get over Mitch? After all they had been through?
Maybe he had made the wrong decision back then. Adam had thought countless times about how things could've been if he had just talked to Mitch, after the first wave of anger and disappointment had gone by. But could things change now between them, after months of silence and ignorance?

Again he took a glance onto the mobile phone in his hands.
He had deleted Mitch's number, but he still had Jerome's somewhere in his contacts.
Should he call him just to make sure things were alright?

Adam hadn't anticipated the onslaught of feelings which rolled over him as soon as he seriously took his recent thought into consideration. He desperately yearned to know something, anything about Mitch at this point, to see him smile, to hear him laugh, to know he was doing fine… without him.

Then Adam could move on for sure.
Probably. Maybe. Hopefully.

He threw the phone aside onto the other seat as if he had been burned by it and put his head into his hands. It wasn't going to work. Jerome would be curious why of all times Adam called him again now and asked about Mitch. It wasn't going to work, because he wanted to be together with Alesa. To love her was healthier, it was less complicated and satisfying nonetheless.

Loving Alesa was the better choice.

Adam started the car again and drove off to his office to record videos with his friends and to continue with his life as if nothing had happened. Mitch for sure had moved on, so he should finally try to do the same.

Even so Adam couldn't stop thinking about the Canadian for a single second, not during the months that had passed and not during the hours and days to come.
He was always there, like a ghost.

A ghost he couldn't stop loving.