Music tip:
Snow Patrol – Chasing Cars
youtube: watch?v=XaKr98ktoxU

For You

Chapter 22:
A constant Memory

"Seriously Mitch, it tastes awesome! I didn't know you could cook!"

A content smile adorned his face, as he looked up from his empty plate towards Lachlan. "You have to thank my mum, she practically gave me a two week long cooking course, before she let me move back to Canada all on my own," he replied and stood up to pick up the dirty dishes.
One week ago the young Australian had arrived in Mitch's new house down in Florida, where he currently was staying together with Jerome. The weather was great, he was closer to Ryan and able to spent more time with his best friends.

And this house was free of any reminders.

"Do you still want to record, Mitch?" Jerome asked as he helped him to put the dishes away, while Lachlan closed the door to the pool, because the darkness was setting in quickly. "No, I still have to edit the other recordings later on. Just record without me, I'll finish this here in the meantime," he answered and flashed his two friends an honest smile, before they wandered off to get their recordings started with some thankful words and a clap on the back.

Life was good.
He was on good terms with all of his friends and even managed to still see the ones living up in Canada.
He had a big and beautiful house down in the sunny Florida, which was closer to his family and his friends living in the States.
Soon he would reach 5 million subscribers on his YouTube channel – 5 million people to whom he was interesting enough to subscribe.

Life was good, as long as he kept telling himself those things over and over again, because behind the scenes, behind his relaxing and overall sunny life things were… different.
He had left everything behind – his life, his memories, his relatives, his friends. He had left everything behind in Canada to escape him.
His channel was slowly but surely dying, the fans got bored and he had no clue of how to win them over again.
He had sworn himself to leaves the memories behind in Montreal, but there still was a little box hidden under his bed with pictures, sweet notes on little papers and unique presents.

Mitch wasn't able to throw them away, no matter how often he had already stood in front of the bin with the box in his hands. They were a part of him and a life that he wasn't willing to forget yet. All the sweet, sweet memories of kisses, laughs, happiness, acceptance and pure love.

He whimpered at the reminder of this raw and unwanted emotion.
Love. This stupid and detested love that he was addicted to ever since he had first kissed him all those months ago back in Europe.
How he had managed to live without it up until now was above him, but he desperately yearned for it just to feel alive again for a few bittersweet seconds.

The dishes were taken care of and with a last look onto their table he moved towards the stairs and turned off the lights to go to his office. One minute later he returned to the dark kitchen and looked around for a familiar gleam. Something blinked on the far side of the table and with a glad expression on his face Mitch hurried around it to grab his forgotten phone. As he turned around to return to his room and to forget his earlier thoughts about him, he checked his notifications.

It was Jessica.
He froze on the spot.

Her message was innocent and sweet, carefully written with chosen words and probably read a thousand times by the beautiful and funny girl living in Montreal. She asked him when he would be back in town and if he was willing to meet up with her, since her holidays would begin very soon.
A second message was sent right after.

'I miss u..'

In the middle of the darkness Mitch leaned his back against the side of the counter and sighed deeply. He should answer her with the same eagerness, he should agree to meet her wherever she liked, he should admit that he was missing her laugh and her fascinating eyes as well.
He should finally get involved with her in a way that was beyond friendship.

It was the right thing to do.
Everyone expected him to do so.
Jerome. His family. His friends. Jess herself.

He liked her and she had been a good companion ever since their days together in school a few years back, furthermore she certainly was attractive and adorable. But something, or rather someone held him back whenever he tried to take a step forward.
Mitch was halfway through typing an answer with what he should write, as his earlier thoughts returned the more he tried to distance himself from them.

He yearned for some love, for a kiss, a romantic hug, anything to make him feel alive again.
But not from anyone. It was always him.

And then this certain feeling returned like poison spreading through his veins.
Over the past months he had felt this emotion uncountable times, but every single time it overwhelmed and surprised him once more. His heart was being ripped apart, painfully slowly, while a wave made out of their past memories drowned him, washing away every sane thought about what should be.
His heart began to pound faster, his breath quickened and Mitch's finger hovered over the send button.

He couldn't do it.
Not in a million year.

He just couldn't because that would mean giving up Adam.

Just thinking his name brought tears into his eyes and made him slid down the side of the kitchen counter. Sitting on the ground he bathed in the darkness of the kitchen, before he couldn't resist the urge any longer. The message was deleted immediately, then Mitch opened the pictures he had saved on his phone.

It was stupid, so very, very stupid, but he couldn't stop his shaking hands from scrolling through the countless pictures, until he had reached the ones he had been looking for. The first one was the last one they had taken together, at the same day the fight had happened.
Mitch had been sleeping in and Adam had woken him up sweetly. With several kisses he had welcomed him to the new morning, before he had lain down beside him and quickly taken a picture of himself and a sleepy Mitch in his arms.

He didn't even notice the first tears rolling over his face, as he opened the next picture.
Jerome had made it two days prior in the Team Crafted house. They all had been sitting outside and enjoyed the evening together, when Adam had pulled the Canadian onto the seat next to him. Someone had made a joke about them and a second later Mitch had grabbed his boyfriend's collar and kissed him. At some point Jerome had taken his phone to make a picture. It was one of the best ones in his secret collection of self-harming material.
The soft light from the candles on the table, the dark house in the background, the content looks on their faces, Adam's hand resting protectively on his back…

Mitch's view began to get blurry and just then did he feel the tears streaming over his cheeks. A sob escaped his throat and immediately he tried to brush the wet stains away, but the tears just kept coming, while the stabbing pain in his chest made him gasp for air.
No matter what Jerome and his family said, he would never be able to get over him.

He still loved his dazzling smile and his infectious laugh, the sparkles in his dark eyes whenever he looked at Mitch, his strong hands holding him close and spending him comfort and the feeling of being protected.
He loved Adam after all those months despite all the hurtful words they had thrown at each other.

What would've been if they had never let it come to that?
Mitch wouldn't have moved to Florida, but instead to Washington together with Adam. They would still have their rooms in LA with the rest of their group. Right. Team Crafted would still be alive. They would record together and laugh and smile and just be there for one another.
But what about Alesa? Would she have continued to back off for the sake of their relationship or would the feelings have overwhelmed her at some point? Could things have actually turned out even worse?

A bitter laugh filled the eerie silence of the kitchen. Nothing could've been worse than this.

He had to endure their happy faces in the pictures, the lovable gestures for their partner-
Mitch was well aware that he shouldn't do it to himself, but whenever the need to feel closer to him was too intense, he tortured himself with secretly looking into their lives.

The tears were still streaming down his face and little sobs could be heard once in a while, as he closed the pictures and instead visited a well known profile on Instagram.
Alesa was smiling into the camera on the most recent picture and Adam was holding her close to him with an indescribable look. The one he had always saved for Mitch.

They seemed to be even happier on another picture a friend of them must have taken. He was holding her close near the lake they were living at and Adam was pressing a soft kiss onto her temple. Under the picture he had written down something.

For the one and only in my life.

Mitch closed the side and threw the phone into the pocket of his hoodie, before standing up abruptly. How stupid of him to think that looking at those god-forsaken pictures would make the heartache in his chest any better. How stupid to think that they wouldn't affect him in any way.
How very stupid of him to still love Adam with all of his heart, when he clearly had moved on.

Again Mitch tried to brush the tears away, as he stumbled towards the stairs, but a voice from his office made him stop dead in his tracks.
"Mitch? Here you are, we were looking for you! Why did you turn off the lights?"

Jerome.
He appeared on the other side of the kitchen counter with Lachlan behind him, but before they could turn the lights on and reveal the broken state he was in, Mitch hurried up the stairs and left his clueless friends behind. He couldn't deal with them right now, because Jerome would lecture him again about how he should finally move on. Lachlan and the rest of The Pack didn't even know about Adam and Mitch, so the Canadian wasn't keen on having to introduce him to the mess that was his love life.
With more force than intended Mitch smashed the door close behind him and successfully held them back from coming in to check up on him.

And then the silence overwhelmed him.
There was nowhere to run to now - love, hate and doubts caught up to him and he was unable to hide any longer behind the mask he had built himself all those months ago.

The sky was pitch-black and just the light from a street lamp afforded some light, as Mitch sat down on the ground again beside his bed. He regretted everything. Why hadn't he just given in and ended the conflict, when he had realized how much was at stake back then? Why hadn't he stopped Adam from running away from him? Why hadn't he called him and apologized a thousand times?

Why had he allowed Adam to hurt him so much?

The burning tears brought loud sobs with them, but he couldn't suppress them any longer, even though his friends could for sure hear him by now. Nonetheless they didn't show up, as he cried his eyes out over someone who was already lost to him and he was incredibly thankful that Jerome simply knew when he needed some time alone.

Heavy raindrops pounded against the windows and the sky began to cry with him, as Mitch mourned a lost love he would never be able to move on from.

He was always present in Mitch's mind, no matter what he did.
Adam.

He was always there, like a ghost.
A ghost he couldn't stop loving.