I apologize for the long delay in posting. We've spent a lot of time lately getting the gardens ready, and planting. Not done yet, but we've had days of heavy rain, which kind of slows us down.
Hope you enjoy.
Just to catch up:
It's Sam and Jack's third day at the cabin; they've had breakfast (Sam made pancakes), and are sitting out by the lake watching the wood ducks and talking.
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28
"I am really sorry, Sam," Jack says. "I had way too much to drink yesterday… I apologize if I said anything out of line."
"Nothing out of line," she assures him, smiling. "If you were, then so was I." She is thinking that if he hadn't been drunk he wouldn't have said he loved her.
He must be reading her mind. "That's called Dutch courage, y'know." He grins.
"I have heard that phrase," she says. "I don't know the origin, but I get it."
"Thirty Years' War," he informs her. "English soldiers drank Dutch gin before they went into battle. They're the ones called it Dutch courage." (see end note)
"Now, how would you know that?!"
"It popped up in a military history class at the Academy. One of those odd little factoids that stick in the brain, and never go away." He stretches his arms above his head and yawns. "We still have to look up where 'woolgathering' came from, though. Wanna bet it's something to do with sheep?"
"Sorry—I didn't bring my laptop."
"Thank God!"
They both laugh lightly and then grow silent. It is an easy, pleasant silence—neither feels the need to break it for several minutes. Sam takes a sip of her coffee and allows herself to simply look at Jack, who has closed his eyes and appears perfectly relaxed in the lawn chair. His face falls into softer lines, appearing younger, and making him even more handsome. He is perfect, she thinks, and he is hers, actually hers! She studies each feature, enjoying the way just watching him makes her feel.
"You're burnin' a hole in my skin, Carter," he says eventually, without opening his eyes.
She giggles. Should have known his soldier's instincts would have told him he was being watched. "Sorry, sir."
The brown eyes pop open—his most beautiful feature! "What! I thought we settled that."
"Sorry, Jack." She frowns. "Hey, what am I sorry for, anyway?"
He chuckles and gets to his feet. "Want some more coffee? Gimme your cup and I'll get us some."
He is gone only a few minutes, but when he returns and hands her the coffee his demeanor has changed; he looks grim and worried. Sitting down he glances out over the lake, where the woodys are still browsing. "A lot of the time I feel as if the dreams aren't over," he says, sounding very serious. "It's like they're overlapping with reality. Sometimes I look at you and I think Thera, before I remember…"
She takes a moment to digest the change of mood before she answers. "I know. I feel it, too. Whatever effect that device had on us isn't gone yet." She gives him a thoughtful look. "Also, nobody considered that the mind-stamp might have after-effects. We remembered who we really were, and that seemed to be the end of it."
"So you think it's the stamp thingy, too? Not just the device on the planet?"
"It has to be. The dreams were just... too vivid."
"Sam, did you have dreams like that before... I mean before we went to the paradise planet? Because... well, I did. Pretty regularly since we were trapped on 118... I've thought about it a lot, actually."
"Yeah, me, too," she says. "I had dreams before. They were nowhere near as intense as these, though. That's why I think part of it has to be the Goa'uld device—it's enhancing our memories and the dreams." She is briefly silent. "Maybe I'll give Janet a call later, and see if she's found anything that might explain help it. What day is it anyway?"
He thinks about it a moment. "Sunday? I remember noticing the calendar in the store yesterday—that was yesterday, right?—it said Saturday."
"Yesterday, yes," she confirms.
He is silent for a few more minutes, considering what he wants to say next. Finally he just sort of blurts it out.
"I'm a lot older than you, Sam. Sixteen years is practically another generation."
She frowns, sitting forward in her chair, surprised at the abrupt change of subject and not liking this one at all. "It is not! And it doesn't matter—you know that. I love you, not your birth date!"
He smiles. "I do know that. But that's not why I'm bringing it up. Let me finish. Please."
"Okay." She nods reluctantly, settles back in her chair, and takes another sip of her coffee. "Go ahead. I'll try not to interrupt again."
"Operative word there being 'try'?"
She shrugs. "I'm not perfect."
"Sure you are. But that's another discussion," he adds when she opens her mouth. She gives a sigh and subsides, and he continues. "I'm almost 48 years old. And you'll be only 32 in December. Those sixteen years put us at very different places in our lives, and our careers. I've been in the Air Force nearly thirty years—almost as long as you've been alive—close your mouth Carter! Stop trying to interrupt!" She obeys, but makes a face at him, and he smiles. "Anyway, what I'm saying is I've been at this a long time, and have probably gone as far as I can go. The SGC is a great assignment, the best I've ever had, but it's hard, and I am one of the oldest guys there, and my knees aren't going to hold out forever. You, on the other hand, are just getting started. You've got a brilliant career ahead of you in the Air Force. You're so smart, and such a good soldier, that you'll be able to write your own ticket. I won't be surprised to see stars on your shoulders in another ten or fifteen years, and you'd be a great CO for the SGC, if that's what you want. By then, of course, I'll be outta the picture. Retired, probably living up here, fishing and growing old. Or worse, stuck behind a desk somewhere."
"Jack...!" she begins.
"Not done yet, Carter! This is about us being at opposite ends of the career track. This kind of job belongs to young people..."
"Okay! Enough about your age," she cuts in, trying not to be irritated. "Get to the point, for crying out loud!"
His mouth quirks at her use of his favorite phrase, then he sobers. "My point is the thing I said to start with; I'm not going to give you up—I'm not giving us up. I'll retire or resign."
She is shocked. Her mouth opens to protest, but no words will come out. For several long moments they stare at each other.
Finally he continues. "I have to know how you feel, though..."
"I don't... You're too valuable—you can't resign..."
"That's not what I'm asking! How do you feel about you and me? Do you want us as much as I do?"
"Yes, I do," she says immediately. "I love you. I want to be with you—more than anything. But..."
"Stop! That's all I need to hear..." He gets to his feet, reaches for her hand, and pulls her up into his arms.
The kiss takes her breath away, and they are completely involved in the embrace for long minutes; his mouth is gentle and worshipful, and so giving that she feels privileged to be the recipient of such love, and she draws his body even closer in an attempt to return his adoration. When their lips part, they remain standing in each other's arms for a long time; she has never felt so loved and wanted and so at peace.
So it is with a certain amount of guilt that she pulls back and looks up into his eyes. "They won't let you resign, Jack," she says softly.
He takes a deep breath, and lets it out, "Ahh, Carter..." and drops his head forward until his forehead touches hers.
"Besides," she continues, "Maybe there's another solution."
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29
"Where are you?" Janet demands over the phone. "Everyone's been wondering about you?"
"We're at Jack's cabin in Minnesota," Sam tells her.
"We? Jack?" Janet echoes.
"I'll explain when we get home."
"When will that be?" the doctor wants to know.
"Wednesday, I think. I'll let you know if it's later."
"Okay." If Janet has more questions, she restrains herself. "What did you want to ask me about?"
"The personality stamp that we all got on P3R-118. Do you think there could have been any after-effects? We've had some unusual dreams," Sam admits.
"Well, anything that affects the memory could have potential long-term effects." Janet is cautious. "Daniel and Teal'c haven't reported anything."
"Could the remnants of the stamp and the effects of the Goa'uld device be—I don't know—interacting somehow?" Jack walks past her toward the living room, and she moves to let him by.
Janet is silent as she thinks that over. "That's a rather disturbing thought," she says finally. "Why do you think so?"
"We've both had these dreams about being Thera and Jonah," Sam says without going into detail. "I don't see why that would happen unless the stamp was affected by the Goa'uld device."
"That's even more disturbing," Janet says. "When we brought you home from the planet, your brains scans indicated that you were both dreaming."
"I'd like to see those scans when we get back."
"Of course."
"How is Daniel?" Sam asks. "Any more problems with the allergic reaction? Or other effects that might be from the device? Or the memory stamp?"
"Not that he's mentioned. I will definitely talk to him again, though, Sam. You're making me nervous."
"I'm sorry. I hope it's nothing to worry about. Is there anything particular that you've noticed?"
"I'll recheck the charts and scans," Janet says. "And you can see them when you get home."
"Okay. Thanks a lot, Janet."
"You're welcome. We'll see you Wednesday, then?"
"Yes. We expect to be home Wednesday."
"All right. Good. Take care of yourselves. And call me if you need me."
"We will. 'Bye, Janet." Sam hangs up the phone and sighs. "Well, that wasn't very helpful. All I did was make Janet worry."
Jack doesn't respond and she looks over at him. He is sitting on the couch; his head is down and there is a troubled furrow between his brows.
"Jack?" She sits down on the coffee table in front of him, and puts a hand on his knee. He jumps, startled, and she pulls back quickly. "Sorry, I didn't mean to…"
"It's okay. Sam..."
"Are you all right?"
"Yeah…" He rubs a hand across his face and gives her a half-smile. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"You had a flashback, didn't you?" she asks. "Of the planet?"
"How did you…?"
"I've had a couple of them myself," she admits. "That's what you meant earlier when you said dream and reality are overlapping?"
He nods. "Yeah. Every now and then I see the runaway star. And the…pretty dolphin." He rolls his eyes and grins.
The grin goes straight to her heart, and she leans over and kisses him. He gathers her in and they fall back on the couch, wrapped in each other's arms.
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30
It is sometime later when they get back to the subject of their relationship dilemma. He doesn't like her solution any more than she liked his.
"You'd be giving up your career, Sam! You've worked too hard and you're the best! I can't let you do that."
"You're talking about giving up yours. You've worked just as hard and you're the best. How's this different?"
"Jeez! It's the difference between thirty and fifty! Can't you see that? I've had twenty more years at it than you. You deserve the same. You can accomplish so much!"
She decides to try another angle. "Okay, let's say you resign; what will you do then, Jack?"
He frowns. "I don't see what that has to do with anything. I don't really need to work; I've got quite a lot put aside—all those hazardous duty bonuses—you may be surprised how much I've got invested. No reason I can't just take it easy, stay home, go fishing."
"What? Stay home and be a house-husband?"
He stares at her and slowly a grin splits his face. "Samantha Carter, are you asking me to marry you?"
Her mouth drops open, and sort of hangs there for a beat. "Uh..." she stutters.
He is laughing now. "Because if you are, the answer is definitely yes." And he waits.
"Oh," she says after a minute. And then: "Oh!" She gulps. "Really? You want to marry me?"
"What part of 'not giving you up' didn't you understand, Carter?" he demands incredulously. "Where is that massive intellect when you need it?"
She starts to laugh. "You really want to get married?"
"Course I do, Sam. Where did you think all this was leading?"
"I guess I just hadn't thought that far ahead."
"I don't suppose we have to set a date yet," he says. "But that's the goal. Make no mistake about it."
She slides over closer to him on the couch, and kisses his jaw and cheek, and then he turns his head and she cups her hand on the back of his neck and opens her mouth to his. "I love you," she murmurs a while later.
"I love you, too."
"Getting married won't solve our problem, though," she points out.
"No but it's something to look forward to."
"I still want to know what you'll do after you resign."
"Fish!"
"Seriously. Come on, think about it," she insists. "Suppose you quit. We get married. Then afterwards I go back to work. SG1 gets a new member and we keep going through the stargate. You'll never know where I'm gone, or even when, cause you won't have access anymore." He has started to frown. "How are you going to feel, Jack? Can you let me go on doing that while you sit on the sidelines?"
He doesn't like that. He would never know where she is. What kind of danger she's in... Or whether she's coming back... God... or what happened if she didn't! He won't be able to protect her. That's what scares him the most. He won't be there if she needs him.
"If I leave the Air Force, I'm almost certain they'll hire me as a civilian scientist," she says. "I mean, I've been doing most of the research for the gate for six years now. I may even be able to stay on SG1. Daniel's a civilian. And there are other scientists on teams. At the very least, I'd be on base, and know what's going on. And I can still do my job. Most important—you'll still be there."
"But you'll give up your Air Force career, your advancements..." he protested.
"The science has always been the most important thing to me. I joined the Air Force because of the science programs—the space program specifically. And I've gotten so much more than I expected. The military training has been a plus, but I never really cared about advancing just for its own sake. Frankly, I don't want a Command. I couldn't be a scientist, then. If I have you and I have my research, then I have more than I ever expected." She is looking into his eyes, trying to will him to see her point of view.
He hates that she is making sense. He does not want her to give up anything! She deserves to have it all! But he also doesn't want her going through the gate without him there to watch her back.
"At least let me broach the subject with General Hammond, see what he has to say," she pleads.
"What would you give him as a reason for leaving the Air Force?" Jack asks. "I don't think he'd be too happy with 'Colonel O'Neill and I want to have a relationship-slash-are sleeping together, so can you hire me as a civilian scientist'." His mimicry of her voice makes her laugh.
"I guess he probably wouldn't," she admits. "But it's not like he wouldn't suspect."
"Suspecting, and having it officially down on paper as your reason for quitting are two different things. Senator Kinsey and his crowd will jump all over it as an excuse to give the SGC more grief. You'd need something believable." He gives her a clueless look. "And right now I got nothin'."
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Note; Dutch courage: this is one of several possible origins I came across for that phrase. Or maybe Jack made it up :) but I liked it best. I doubt it would be in a military history class, tho.