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Chapter 13: Thursday, 8th of April 1997: The Aftermath
I breathed in. I breathed out. I breathed in. I breathed out. I breathed in...
A flash of Sirius' face came to my mind and my heart wrenched painfully. I moaned and got myself back under control. I breathed in. I breathed out.
I thought of everything I hadn't told him before it was too late. I thought of the last breakfast we had shared in tense silence. What a waste that was; what wouldn't I give to just go back there? I could have told him everything about my doubts, about my plans in life and I'm sure he'd have understood. I could have told him that Tonks was still alive. Why hadn't I? How could I let him suffer through his grief just because I didn't want to confess that I disobeyed and went to Diagon Alley...What kind of horrible monster am I, to hide so much from him when he only did his best to bring me up, to teach me everything he knew?
With his last breath, he told that he loved me like a son and that he was proud of me. What was the last thing he heard from me? He heard me whining at him selfishly to not leave him. I am so childish. I need to grow up. I need to stop thinking that the world is revolving around me, to stop wallowing in self-pity. So what if I've got 'a Task' that I don't want to carry out? At least I was loved; at least I wasn't alone. Like I am now.
I shook my head to get rid of those thoughts. No more self-pity, I said.
I heard someone knock on the door downstairs. In the past few days, people in the village had come and brought me food to show their support.
As far as I was concerned, I didn't have any link with them anymore. They sent Sirius on that stupid mission to find ridiculous 'objects' and they got him killed. Who cares about fucking objects? Even if they were made of pure mithril, I would still say that it was a complete waste of time and an unnecessary risk. My godfather's life was worth more than that.
I got up and slowly made my way downstairs. When I opened the door, the light of the sun blinded me for a few seconds. I hadn't left the house for the past five days. I hadn't done anything for the past five days. It was the longest training break I'd ever taken since I was about twelve.
Moody was at the door. He probably wanted to talk to me about my stupid training, in fact.
"What?" I said, a bit grumpy.
"You look like shit, Potter."
I huffed a humourless laugh.
"See if I care."
"Potter, let me come in. I need to talk to you."
I moved aside, letting him pass next to me.
"You need a shower, boy."
"See if I care," I repeated.
He looked at me closely. I had no idea what he was trying to see. I lifted an eyebrow at him. Moody's magical eye whizzed around. I didn't know what it was trying to spot. I didn't care to know either. I exhaled noisily and slammed the door behind him. I shuffled to the living room.
"I'd offer some tea, but I really don't want you to stay longer than necessary."
He narrowed his eyes at me. I huffed again and dropped back on the sofa.
"Cut the drama act, Potter. I'm not here to watch your theatrics."
"Right. I'll just forget that my godfather just died on your orders...
-He didn't. That's what I came to tell you." he interrupted me, still watching me closely.
"You were gone that day..." he began.
"What if I was?" I cut in, defiant.
"Your godfather panicked. He thought you'd been captured. He didn't tell me anything, he just gathered Vance, Jones and Shacklebolt, thinking it was enough, and he headed out. And he got killed because you were a moronic rebellious teen who wanted out of your life for a day.
-Where did he go, then?" I said, my heart pounding even if I didn't believe Moody for a second. What is he doing? Why is he lying to me?
"What do you mean?
-How did he follow me? What was his plan? Where did he head?
-He followed your Apparition trace...
-I didn't apparate" I interrupted him, trying to catch him in his lie.
"Ok, you didn't apparate. As I told you, he didn't tell me his plan before he left. I don't know how he tried to follow you, but maybe he didn't. Maybe he just...concluded the worst, and went to the Dark Lord's lair.
-Sirius saw that I was absent for 4 hours, and concluded I was trapped in the Dark Lord's fortress?
-Yeah, that fool loved you too much and got worried. So he went there and got his whole team killed by Voldemort."
I clenched my jaw tightly in anger.
"Cut the crap, Moody. You and I both know he wouldn't have done that. He went with a team on a mission you gave him, and they all died because you had underestimated the risks. He told me about it before he left. Don't try to make me wear the blame. Don't use my godfather's death to guilt me into being a good little minion like the rest of them...You disgust me." The last words had slipped from my mouth involuntarily.
I saw surprise flash in his eyes before he started laughing at me. I could feel the ire rising in me at every sound that came out of that ugly mouth.
"You see, Potter, that's what I don't like about you. You learn a couple of facts and you always come up with the wrong conclusions. Everyone is here, tripping over his arse to train you and help you, and that's how you repay us? By making hasty judgments about things that you don't understand, about questions that are so far beyond your comprehension... You're like a newcomer trying to play the game without knowing the rules. It's a war, Potter. I'm a war general. I send people on missions, and sometimes they die. That's my job. That's the reality of it. Casualties are part of this business. And you were damn lucky you weren't touched by this harsh reality before.
There could be peace now if you wanted it, Moody. You are the one unnecessarily prolonging the war to cling to your post of general...
-And why did you lie to me just now?" I asked, still suspicious.
"Damn stubborn boy you are. 'Knew you wouldn't believe it for a second. But maybe it would have gotten you to think about your share of responsibility in this war. All you've done so far is sitting on your arse making other people work for you.
-I've never been allowed on meetings...
-Because you godfather wanted to shield from reality all the time! If it was just for me, you'd have gotten in those goddamned meetings when you were fourteen, you were that good.
It sure didn't sound that way from where I saw sitting. Or did I imagine all the insults you said against me? What was it again? I was lazy and incompetent? Too impressionable? Too immature?
"I'm not sure I want to go to the meetings at the moment... I'm not even seventeen..."
I waited to see if he'd say something about Neville having been on them for the last two years.
"Well, kid. With our best fighters down, we really need your help on raids or maybe some of us will get hurt.
-How about not going on raids anymore then, if you keep getting hurt for nothing?"
He went red. I saw a vein on his forehead that looked like it was about to burst. Ha, now he's getting riled up.
"Are you suggesting that we give up the war? Everything we've worked for in the last twelve years or so?
-If it's for nothing, then yes. It looks to me as if He's not doing that bad of a job. When you walk around outside these wards, you can see that people are happy. They even seem to think that it's us who are the 'bad guys'...
-What about the Muggles?
-What do you mean? What about them?" I asked, unsettled by the sudden question.
"Do you condone Muggle hunting? Muggle baiting?
-Of course I don't! But what does it have to do with anything?
-Well, under this regime that you like so much, Muggles have the same status as animals. In fact, the only point where the law distinguishes Muggles from them is with the case of Muggleborns. And even then, they're just considered as 'potential breeders'.
-What? I've never heard of that!
-Of course you haven't. It's not exactly 'proclaimed in the streets'. You have to be able to read between the lines. It's just as everything Voldemort does: It's insidious."
Maybe I was wrong about everything, again. Maybe the Rebels did have a point. I saw from the corner of my eyes Moody looking suddenly eager, like a cat that caught a mouse in a corner and was about to pounce on it.
"He killed your godfather, you know that, kid? I wasn't joking about that part earlier. He killed all of them...Vance, Jones, Shacklebolt. And he was laughing when he slaughtered them."
I narrowed my eyes at him. He had looked too happy to reveal that to me.
"How do you know? Were you there?
-No, but Neville was." That's true; I should ask him what really happened.
-You expect me to believe that Neville got out of it alive when the others didn't?" I asked in an incredulous tone of voice, even though I knew the Neville had my Cloak.
"He stayed hidden to make sure someone would be able to tell me what happened.
-You mean, he was scared shitless, hid and watched the others get killed without lifting a finger to help them?" By now, I was pissed off. Moody is always twisting the truth to present it the way that would advantage him best...
"Well, kid, I'm just saying what happened. No need to take out your anger on me. Gotta save some of that for the Dark Lord, right?
-Yeah, of course. Sorry." I visibly deflated and apologised in a droning voice.
-It's all right, kid. Just think about what I've said, ok? We could use your help in raids."
He patted me on the knee in a condescending way, got up and left me there. I stayed on the sofa, thinking through the conversation.
.
"Wow. I still can't believe he tried to make me feel guilty for Sirius' death. Even if he said it was some sort of tactical move and that he knew I'd see it, it's still such a wrong thing to lie about. If I hadn't spied on them, I really couldn't have known that there was a mission planned for today.
-What about what he said with the Muggles?" asked my subconscious.
"Well, I already had my doubts that not everything in the Dark Lord's government was sunshine and rainbows. No regime is perfect.
-Aren't you a bit too dismissive there? Muggles are people. Do you really condone what Moody said about how they are treated like animals?
-I'm sure it's not as bad as he said it. But yeah, I know. It's not right. But is that sufficient ground to try to destroy everything else in the regime, to sacrifice all the fighters in this village to try to overtake it?
-Are you sure you're not just trying to get out of your responsibility, of your 'Task' because you're scared that the Dark Lord will kill you if you oppose him?
-Merlin, Subconscious, are you kidding me? It's a suicide mission. Nothing else. Do you blame me for not wanting to die over a misunderstanding about Muggles?
.
My silent conversation with myself was interrupted by a timid knock on the door. Again? I'm definitely popular today.
I heaved myself off the couch laboriously. My limbs were as heavy as lead.
I shuffled back to the entrance door and opened it. Nobody was there. I immediately became alert, focusing on the spot in front of the door and whipping out my wand. My magical sight picked up something in front of me, but before I could do anything about it, I heard it say:
"Harry, it's me, Neville, let me in!" Neville? Ah, of course, he still has my Invisibility Cloak.
I opened the door wider and let the other come in. When Neville was inside, he took off the Cloak, giving it back to me. I looked at him; he really didn't seem healthy. His boyish face had taken a grey tone and he looked like he hadn't slept or taken a shower in five days. That's probably how I look as well.
"What a coincidence. I wanted to talk to you as well. You just spared me the effort of a trip to your house." I said inexpressively.
"Ah, yes, uh..."
I lifted an eyebrow, unimpressed by his eloquence.
"Come on in, then"
I went back to my seat on the couch and he followed, his head bent down. I looked at him; he gulped.
"What now? Don't tell me I'm scaring you...
-No, I just...really don't want to talk about what I saw the other day." He admitted, looking a bit green.
-So why are you here?" I knew I was too harsh on Neville, but I really wasn't in a patient mood at the moment. I felt another pang of loss when my mind wandered to what had happened to put me in such a state.
"The Dark Lord, he...he made me promise I'd tell you.
-What! You spoke with the Dark Lord!" I said, incredulously (and secretly a bit jealously).
"Yeah... hum...well...he mostly just looked in my head and made me take an oath that forced me to tell you.
-Tell me what?
-That he wasn't the one to kill your godfather. He said Sirius should have known better than to put on a cursed magical artefact, with his family and all...you know. He made me vow I'd tell you because he thought Moody would lie to you about it."
I sat there, thinking over it.
"Why would Sirius just put on a cursed artefact?" I asked him.
"I don't know. I didn't see what happened inside the house.
-Which house?
-Moody didn't tell you what happened? I thought that's what he just did...
-No, Moody came here to lie in my face as much as he could and try to exploit my godfather's death to his advantage."
I released a long breath; feeling quite tired suddenly. I rubbed my forehead.
"So, why don't you tell me what happened then? From the beginning."
"Well, we went on a mission and we arrived at this really creepy shack which supposedly belonged to the Dark Lord's ancestors...but then, when Sirius got in, the wards activated and Sirius was trapped inside! We tried to undo them, but Emmeline said they were blood wards, so that we couldn't do anything. And then we waited, and then, out of nowhere, the Dark Lord just popped in looking furious! And he just killed Emmeline like that! Boom! One flick and she was dead! They didn't even get a chance to explain what they were doing and try to negotiate a surrender, nothing!"
That's also what I think would happen if I ever meet him...He'd kill me without a thought. Like I was an annoying fly...
"And then, Hestia and Kingsley, they started to duel him, but he was so much better than them and he could block Killing curses! He could block them! And he could do wandless magic! And then he got Hestia and oh, it was horrible, her head detached from her body! And then, Sirius came out and he looked all wounded and in pain and he sent a Killing curse to the Dark Lord but he missed and it killed Kingsley!
And then, I don't know why, but Sirius fell on the ground and he looked in pain and the Dark Lord talked with him...I can't remember everything they said..."
I wanted to scream in frustration. This was potentially vital information I was losing! I just took a deep breath, though, and told him to take his time, that it would all come back.
"Okay...well...the Dark Lord said something strange about feeding a curse with a Killing curse? I didn't really get it. And then he got all weird and started talking about you. And Sirius shouted at him to stay away from you and He said for some reason that he really wanted to meet you and that he thought it was mutual?
-He's probably referring to my 'Task', you know. That he'd be looking forward to kill me, or something..."
Neville looked at me for a moment, his lips pursed.
"I don't think so, somehow...It didn't seem like that...
-Hem...can you continue the story?
-Oh, yeah, okay...hum, where was I? Okay, so, he's all like: I hope you said goodbye to your godson before you left...and then he said something about loving you...
-What, wait, what?" I interrupted him, confused and blushing a bit.
"He said that Sirius loved you like a son and that he should have told you that before he died because he abandoned you...like your parents did?"
I froze. That's what Sirius told me before he died. The Dark Lord told him he should say that? I don't know what to think of that. Really...
"And then I tried to attack the Dark Lord, but it didn't really work, so he choked me and I was stuck there. And then he searched my thoughts and he said I was cleverer than I looked! The Dark Lord said that! And then he made me do the oath and that's it.
-That's it? He just let you go like that?
-Yeah, he said something about not needing the bodies and that I should bring back Sirius because he wasn't dead yet...or something like that."
I paused, thinking about what I heard. It didn't sound like the Dark Lord had wanted to kill Sirius. It sounded as if the Dark Lord would have spared Sirius for my sake... but why?
"Oh, yes, I forgot. Something weird happened when the Dark Lord discovered I was there. It was almost like he thought I was someone else and was disappointed to have caught me so easily...I don't know why though...
-I don't know either, Neville." I sighed.
Now I'm even more confused than before. Is the Dark Lord trying to lure me into a trap? Does he think he can make me drop my 'Task'? Why would he even bother? I bet he's just trying to mess with my head...
.
I heard Neville say in the background that he was going back to his gardening, but I didn't really reply. When he was gone, I got up and went to the living's room window. I looked outside at the village in which I grew up. Magic made it clean, magic expanded the space in the houses, magic repaired roofs and broken windows. If it weren't for it, this place would probably look like a slum.
Those people are all adults who made their choices and decided to form a Rebellion...but the children are forced to live with the consequences of their parents' choices, and, when they reach a certain age, they are pressured into joining the movement as well. This isn't healthy.
Neville was fifteen when he had to go to the meetings and sixteen when he was forced to go in a dangerous mission where everyone else in his team got killed in front of him. This isn't fair.
Moody is a sick person and if I can contribute to the end of the Rebellion by sending out information, even if this information might get some of those adults killed, it will be worth it, for the sake of the children growing up here.
I'll give them the freedom of choice Neville and I never had.
Voilà! I hope you liked it!
Next chapter will have some action again and will be a pivotal point in the story.
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