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The XX - Together
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For You

Chapter 26:
Do you Remember

"Half an hour until your panel starts. Please be ready ten minutes in beforehand."
He only listened to the instructor with half an ear, while he took a look around their surroundings. Currently Mitch and his friends from The Pack were standing in a hallway behind the stage they were soon going to be on, while several rooms to either side of him were prepared for the guests of the panels throughout the day. One was reserved for them especially.

"Alright, no problem," Rob answered and the man turned away satisfied, as Mitch look back towards his friends with a clueless expression on his face. "What did he say?"

"God dammit Mitch you didn't listen again, did you?"

A big grin spread on his face and he didn't even try to look ashamed, as he replied to his best friend for years, "Of course I don't, after all you guys are here."
The laughter that erupted felt good and satisfied he watched his friends. Moving on felt good. He was nowhere close to actually being over his ex-boyfriend and their past, but with every passing day and every step he took, the heartache became more bearable. One step at a time.

"My god, Mitch. Unbelievable," Jerome laughed and shook his head, but due to the relieved expression in his eyes it was clear that he had noticed Mitch's change as well. It wasn't obvious, none of their other friends had realized it, since it was about his well-hidden mentality he kept close to himself and which Jerome had observed like a hawk during the past months. They had never talked about it. Not once. They were best friends for years after all to understand the other without words.

"How was the week with your family though?"
Vikk tried to strike up another conversation, while they were wasting as much time as possible until the beginning of the panel. Sadly it wasn't a topic he was willing to talk about. After his uncontrolled outburst the rest of the weekend had been incredibly awkward and not once had they raised the subject again. Not even his sister, who clearly had wanted to apologize to him. Mitch couldn't have been more thankful, when the time had come to fly off to PAX to see his friends and the fans, who for sure would get his mind off of things during the weekend.

"It was alright I guess."
Instead of probing him they realized that he wasn't too eager to talk about it and Rob quickly suggested for them to return to their room, until the time had come to get onto the stage. Everyone agreed and Mitch was about to turn around to face the door, when a figure appeared at the end of the hallway.

All of a sudden a heavy shiver ran down his spine and he gasped for breath.
He had barely seen the person out of the corner of his eyes, while none of the others took notice of him. Eager to find out why he had reacted the way he did just because of a simple stranger Mitch stopped and looked fully to his right, but Lachlan stepped in his line of sight, for a moment the figure disappeared completely, then…

His heart stopped beating.
It couldn't be.

The in a black coat dressed person stepped closer, until he realized that Mitch was staring at him with wide opened eyes. He stopped dead in his tracks as well and grew as pale as Mitch himself. It must have been a dream, a cruel and sick joke of his mind wanting to keep the memories alive, since Mitch was desperately trying to move on for once.
It had to be a joke, because otherwise…

"Hello, Mitch."
Otherwise every single step he had taken away from him had become worthless in the mere blink of an eye.

Just now his friends noticed the other person and Mitch's awkward behavior. "What's going o-" Jerome began to ask absolutely clueless, but as he turned around and got a glimpse of who exactly was standing in front of them, he stopped himself and grew stiff. The rest of them followed suit. None of them except for Jerome knew what really had happened back then, but they had heard enough during their time together as a group of loyal friends to know that something bad had occurred months ago.

"Hey Adam."
Jerome's voice was lacking the usual confidence and the cheerful tone, instead something akin to panic and worry flooded his eyes, as he turned around to stare at Mitch. It had not been his idea to bring Adam here? Mitch was surprised, after all his best friend had been the one to drop too obvious hints here and there that some things should be forgiven finally.

"I really wanna talk to you."

Mitch wanted to send him away with the most cruel words in existence, but his mouth didn't comply, while his heart was pounding painfully against his ribcage. He should just turn around and walk away from him without ever turning back around, but the decision had already been made for him, when Adam had appeared in front of him.

"Mitch…?"
Jerome. He didn't dare to come closer and touch his shoulder, same as he ever did when Mitch became lost in one of those memories still bugging him. Not this time though.

"Five minutes. Then I'll leave and never return if you want me to."
What a ridiculous offer. Five minutes of heaven, five minutes of tasting the forbidden fruit of paradise for a lifetime of hell?
How was he supposed to withstand that?

Not even a minute later Mitch found himself standing in the small room furnished with two couches, a table with fruits and a small fridge at the side. Nothing of it mattered though, as he crossed his arms protectively in front of his chest and turned around, just as Adam closed the door behind him and took some steps towards him.

It had to be a dream.
Nothing else was making sense at the moment.

"Why are you here, Adam?"
His voice broke halfway through the question, but talking to him again felt so good, like a drug he had been resisting to take for far too long. His name rolled over his tongue easily and left the ghost of a smile behind, invisible for everyone except for Adam. At least that's how it was before everything had fallen apart between them.

It took Adam forever, until he replied with a steady voice.
"I'm here to figure something out. It's very important to me and I… I just had to see you first."

Mitch had expected a rambling Adam and an apology of some sort, but neither was the case as the brown haired American continued to study him silently. Only now did he allow himself to take a closer look.
Adam's hair was still messy and his deep brown eyes hidden behind some fashionable glasses. They looked good on him. He had clearly lost some weight over the months, but it fitted well to the selection of his clothes and this long, black coat.

"And what is that?"
His voice was awfully small, but he wasn't able to speak up any time soon. His thoughts were frozen, unable to process what was happening at the moment. Adam couldn't be here, he never would with what Mitch had said to him and yet he seemed to be here standing right in front of him. It was not a dream, was it?

Suddenly Adam came dangerously close from one second to the other.
Mitch wasn't able to back off in time and the intoxicating smell of his ex-boyfriend blocked off his mind completely. Something was going horribly, horribly wrong it screamed, before his heart got rid of all the worries and bathed in the reawoken feelings. No matter how often he had tried to forget Adam once and for all, the need to just be by his side was as overwhelming as on the first day of their relationship.

"I have to find out if you're still a part of my life, Mitchell."

His breathing faltered for a second at the unusual use of his name and it did something to Mitch that Adam was unfortunately aware of. But not only the feelings had returned – the memories of their fight were as vivid as if it had happened just yesterday. In a last desperate attempt Mitch looked away and said, "I'm most definitely not. If that's all you're here for, then I have to ask you to leave, because we have a panel we have to attend in-"

He should have known better.
"I still love you."

Time slowed down.
His heart stopped beating.

With wide opened eyes he stared back at Adam and even thought he wanted to run away as fast as possible with a burning desire, Mitch's feet were glued to the ground. "No," he whispered with a trembling voice and shook his head, while Adam continued to muster him with this calm and unshakable look. "You don't, you're not allowed to, because this messes everything up, Adam. I have tried so hard to forget you over the past months and now that I'm able to lead a normal life without regretting every decision of it you are not allowed to just come back to me and say stupid stuff like that!"
His breathing picked up speed, nonetheless his voice was barely audible. Mitch had been so close to move on without looking back constantly. Why had life to be so fucking cruel?

"I'm sorry."
Adam pulled him out of his thoughts and back into a reality he wasn't sure he wanted to face right now. Then he continued.

"I'm sorry, but I still love you. I love the way you try to make everyone happy around you, I love that you want to live life to its fullest, I love how you style your hair and I love the sparkling in your eyes when you talk about something you're passionate about. And it's all still there, I know it is, and-"

Tears were forming in his eyes.
It all came crashing down onto him all at once – the days they shared secluded up in Canada, the mornings Mitch woke up in Adam's arms, who made him breakfast, the talks about their future, the kisses, the laughs they shared with Mitch's family, the sweet little gifts Adam had made him and every time he was able to conjure that loving sparkle in the other's big brown eyes.

But with the good memories came the dark and hidden ones as well.
The weeks full of doubts about Adam lying to him, the despiteful jealousy of Alesa, the moments in which Adam had known Mitch was feeling troubled and didn't do anything about it and… the day of their fight.
The screaming. The tears. The never stopping hurt. The end.

A trembling hand covered his mouth and he took a shaky breath, while he was barely able to hold back the tears. Some things weren't meant to be. Adam had to realize.

"Please don't. Don't love me."

Adam didn't reply with words, but the look he was giving him was unmistakable. The glint in his eyes was understanding and incredibly gentle, while a sad but barely visible smile appeared on his lips. Normally no one would notice it, but Mitch knew, he always knew, because he still was in love with Adam.

"I'm really sorry, Mitch. I love you," he repeated and then slowly leaned forward to place his lips on Mitch's.

At first the shock was taking over and he didn't feel anything. His eyes were opened wide and his shoulders tense, but as he felt Adam slowly moving his lips the way Mitch had always liked it, his emotions returned in an instant.
How in the world was he supposed to live without this? The soft pressure of Adam's lips made him gasp and while they slowly but naturally deepened the kiss, he grabbed Adam's shirt under the coat tightly to pull him closer. Two strong arms wrapped around his waist and held him firmly in place.

The taste of his lips was that of sweet chocolate, due to the accordingly flavored candies Adam always loved to eat. Somehow Mitch's hands landed on either side of Adam's face and caressed the beard-covered cheeks with tender strokes, as he bathed in the feeling of being wanted and loved after so long.
However they didn't deepen the kiss any further and both enjoyed the slow pace of it, because this bittersweet kiss was describing their past relationship so much better than any other gesture could have.

It lasted an eternity and Mitch would have loved to continue spending it in Adam's arms forever, but another thought shot through his clouded mind. He was kissing Adam. The same person, who was still together with Alesa.
Adam was doing the exact same thing right now that he had done to Mitch all those months ago – and he himself was a part of it.

Abruptly he broke the kiss and pulled away from Adam, who wanted to yield under the pressure of his burning lips and tried to place them on Mitch's again. "Stop it," he whispered harshly and Adam froze, while Mitch forced himself to step away from the warm embrace. A single look into Adam's eyes was enough to know that he realized what was going on in Mitch's mind.

"I'm not like her."
Adam winced.
"And I'm not someone you can use whenever life gets hard."

"We should try Mitch, you clearly have to see that the feelings are still there!" Adam pleaded and took a step closer, but stopped immediately when Mitch took another step back.
"You saw where it ended the last time, Adam."

"But we can do it better now, we both learned from it."

"How? Tell me how we are supposed to live like this? Are we going to ignore every argument and pretend that everything is fine? That's not how life works and you know it."
This time Adam stayed silent and watched Mitch with a mix of regret and endless sadness that was like a punch in the gut. Nonetheless he continued.
"I'm not willing to hurt like that ever again in my life, Adam. It took me months to get back on track and I'm not going to risk it, because we both know how it'll end sooner or later."

"Please, Mitch," Adam tried one last time and took a deep breath, "I promise-"

"No, don't you dare promise me anything ever again, Adam. You broke two promises already, remember?"
The clueless look on Adam's face lasted only for a moment, but it was enough to settle Mitch's decision. How could he ever forget what he had given his word on? How could they lead a relationship in this whole mess?
It wasn't worth all the pain they had to endure. It wasn't fair for Alesa.

"Please leave now," he murmured and felt hot tears appear in the corners of his eyes again, as he crossed his arms protectively in front of his chest. Mitch did neither have the heart, nor the strength to return Adam's look. He would break immediately.

A long silence followed and Mitch could feel Adam's eyes on him, then the other heaved a heavy sigh and asked in a defeated voice, "Do you really want me to go?"
…and to never return?

No, no, no, no, no!
His stomach clenched painfully and for a moment he wasn't able to say what had to be said, but both of them knew his answer even before he took a deep breath to reply in a tearful and shaking voice, "Please go."

Adam left without another word and as soon as he was out of the door, Mitch slipped to the ground and gave free rein to the pain, the tears and the sobs.