Having trouble making the characters do what I want! I know where I want to take the story—but they keep heading off in other direction – yikes :( — the angsty stuff is hard to get away from once you start it.
This is kind of a short chapter, but I have the next one almost ready, and it should be up soon.
Thanks for all the reviews! I can't reply to the guest reviewers, but want you to know I really appreciate them.
This chapter contains spoilers for Season 1, Cold Lazarus.
95
Sam wakes with a panicky feeling in her chest. A dream... So terrible... tragic, devastating...
But she can't quite remember why. The particulars of the dream slip away even as her consciousness returns. Only the awful anxiety remains, pressing down on her like a physical weight. Tears well in her eyes. It feels as if someone has died...
The panic grows, robbing her breath. Jack, she has to find Jack... Something has happened...
She draws a couple of deep slow breaths, and reaches for the call button.
Within two minutes Janet is there, at her bedside. "Sam? Are you all right? You look pale."
"A dream. I had a dream... a nightmare, really," Sam says looking anxiously at the doctor. "Where's Jack? Is he okay?"
"He left a little while ago. He was all right. Was the dream about him?"
"Yes... no... I don't really know. It's gone now. Just this feeling that something was wrong and it had to do with him. I've got this pain...here." She fists her hand just below her sternum. She draws a slow breath. "I'm sorry... it's silly. It's just a dream." But she still feels anxious, worried.
Janet is checking her vitals—blood pressure a little low, pulse rate a little too high. "Sam, do you feel dizzy or lightheaded?"
"Maybe, just a little. I was lightheaded when I woke up. The dream was very scary. When I first woke up I thought someone had died." She shivers. "I thought Jack..." She lets her voice trail off.
"Are you cold?" Janet asks, noticing the shivering.
"No, not really." Sam closes her eyes. "I feel drained."
"It's pretty normal to be extra tired when you're pregnant," Janet assures her.
"That's what Jack said. This is crazy, though. It's not just normal tired. It's like my body saying 'I'm going to sleep now'—and there's nothing I can do about it. Usually I can keep myself awake even when I'm exhausted."
"Well, don't worry about that. Especially here. You can sleep all day if you want to. I need to draw some blood first, though. There are some more tests I want to run." Janet has brought the equipment with her when she came in.
"What kind of tests?" Sam asks, extending her arm.
"You've been exposed to quite a few chemicals and radiation over the past three years. I just want to check the levels." She snaps on gloves and prepares the needle, locates the vein and inserts it carefully.
"You've always said all that was fine," Sam says, worried.
"And it is—for you." Janet removes first full vial and pops another onto the syringe. "I just want to make sure it's all okay for the baby."
Sam is staring at the blood. "There was blood in my dream," she whispers, her voice oddly detached.
Janet gives her a concerned glance, noticing that her eyes are dilated. "Sam. What are you talking about? Sam!"
Sam blinks and focuses on Janet. "My dream. There was blood in it. That reminded me."
"Whose blood?"
"I don't know. I really don't remember anything else." Sam puts her free hand up and rubs her temple.
"Do you have a headache?"
"No... Where did Jack go?" She still appears anxious, but color is returning to her face.
"I don't know, but I can try and find him for you." Janet removes the third vial of blood and withdraws the syringe, holding a cotton ball on the injection site. "Do you want me to look for him?"
Sam shakes her head slowly. "Maybe... No. I'm okay."
"I'm going to send down for a breakfast tray for you," Janet says. "Oatmeal and toast? And tea? How does that sound? I know it's bland, but there's no point pushing your luck. And you need to eat."
"I kept down the cereal and jello yesterday," Sam says. "And last night's soup, too... at least until this morning."
"If you keep throwing up I can give you something to help. The Colonel said the vomiting was pretty violent."
"Um-hm. Is morning sickness always like that?"
"It's different for different people," Janet says noncommittally. "I'm going to call for the tray, and I want to get these samples down to the lab. I'll be back later. Rest some more."
After Janet has gone Sam closes her eyes, but she resists falling asleep. The dream—or at least its effect—is still very much on her mind, and she is afraid it will return. The blood especially makes her uneasy. Does pregnancy bring on nightmares, she wonders. She doesn't recall ever hearing that, but rapid hormonal changes can cause lots of symptoms.
Jack. She needs to talk to Jack. She is actually pregnant with Jack's baby! She spreads her hands on her stomach and tries to imagine a baby growing in there. Having children has always been something she thought of in some vague distant future. Someday. Someday always seemed so far away. But now she is having a baby with Jack, and that is... She's not sure what it is. They've only been together two weeks—well, that's not counting the two months they were Jonah and Thera. The memories of those months are sharp and clear—long days of working on the machinery—nights of being with him. God, it had been so simple, so natural—neither of them had questioned it for a moment! They had loved each other as easily as they had drawn breath! And that love has made a new life.
Sam closes her eyes and imagines herself holding her baby. She's only held an infant a few times, and really has no idea how to care for one—she will have so much to learn! But Jack will be such a wonderful father! She's seen him with children—Cassie, Mirren, among others—it just comes naturally to him. And of course he's had a child before and knows so much...
Her thoughts stop right there, as she remembers—Charlie. Oh, God! She remembers what happened to Charlie. How will this make Jack feel? He's never talked about his son. All she knows is the little she's heard—mostly from Daniel; that Charlie accidentally shot himself with Jack's gun... that Jack was planning to die on the first Abydos mission...
She remembers Jack holding the crystal people 'Charlie's' hand when they were at the hospital. He looked at 'Charlie' with so much longing, even as he was trying to explain to Sara. He'd held on tightly to the small hand all the way back to the SGC, and as they left through the Stargate. When he came back alone, he was quiet and withdrawn for several days...
For the first time it occurs to Sam to wonder if Jack will want this baby. What if the thought of a child is too devastating for him? The memory of Charlie, the fear that something like that may happen again? What if he wants nothing to do with the baby, or with her now that she's pregnant? What will she do then?
96
Even though she is not hungry, Sam eats when the breakfast tray comes. She remembers how her appetite returned yesterday morning when Jack cooked for her (it was great going down, even if she did lose it later!) but today she feels no hunger. Thankfully, she doesn't feel sick afterward, either.
After eating, she curls up in the bed and surrenders once more to the ceaseless exhaustion which has so quickly become an integral part of her existence. As she falls asleep, she thinks of Jack, and unconsciously wraps her arms around her stomach.
xx
Janet checks later and finds Sam sleep. She is happy to note that Sam has eaten her breakfast. Janet glances at her watch. It is only 0853. Heading back to her office, she feels as if she has put in a full day already!
Soon after that comes the strange phone call from Jack, and she is wondering if he really is all right as she hangs up with him.
When she goes to Sam's room the next time, she is just waking up.
"Has Jack been here?" is Sam's first question.
"I haven't seen him," the doctor tells her.
"Janet, did he say anything to you about how he feels? About the baby?"
"No, he didn't." Janet studies Sam for a moment. "How do you feel about it, Sam? Have you thought about what this means... to your career, to your life? You do have options, you know."
"Options...?" Sam frown, not understanding at first. "Oh. You mean—not have the baby?"
"I guess the question is, do you want it?"
Without thinking, Sam puts her hands protectively over her stomach. A moment later, when she realizes what she has just done, she looks at Janet. "It's Jack's baby. I want it. I don't know how he feels about it, though. I really need to talk to him..."