Afraid to be a man, Part 2
The Greatest Hazard in life is to risk nothing.
When they were near the headquarters Levi had one arm over Hanji's shoulder as support for walking; a much less humiliating style of commuting.
"Look Levi, the moon is out."
"Yes well spotted Hanji."
"You really are quite the bore here you know that? Even when you're drunk you still don't lighten up."
"Who says anything about me being drunk? I haven't been able to no matter how much I wish for it."
She laughed at this.
To laugh is to risk being a fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To express feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
Hanji looked questionably at the corporal for a few moments before smiling a small sadistic smile. "…Well then…I suppose I can proceed with my original plan then if that's all the same to you."
Levi tilted his head and raised his eyebrow at this -"Huh, what are you talking about Hanji?"
In response, she flipped his arm off her shoulder in an instant and effectively turned them around so that she had the other pinned to the wall, either one of her arms besides his head.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
"…Are you afraid to be a man, Levi?"
"What?"
"I said- are you afraid to be a-"
"I know what you said, what I meant is…what do you mean by that question?" Levi was suddenly afraid of where this conversation was heading…
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
The shine from the moon causing glare to her glasses, hiding her eyes from view. She was silent for a moment before she spoke "We have known each other for so long…so many years…and I have seen the way that girl Petra looked at you. Don't tell me you didn't notice. All this time it seemed to me you were just leading her on in some form of false hope that one day…because obviously if you had any form of feelings towards her, you would have manned up and done something about it already, am I right?"
"Don't talk about her as if you knew her!" The sudden anger had flared up inside of him at the mention of the departed comrade.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing,
Has nothing and is nothing.
"Then tell me Levi! Tell me! Did you love her?" she shouted, emphasising each word. She couldn't hold it in any longer. She needed to know. Her shoulders began to shake.
"Wh..what? What's gotten in to you Hanji? Why are you acting like this?" Suddenly he noticed the small raindrops falling to the ground, right by his feet. He looked up and noticed they came from Hanji's eyes.
"Wh…why…why won't you say anything? You don't know *sniff*…you don't know how painful it is to watch the person you love…looking at someone else…in a way you wish they would look at you. I'm tired of just being your friend…I want to be something more."
They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love or live.
This time it was Levi's turn to have his eyes covered, his bangs falling across his eyes as he lowered his face, unable to face the woman opposite him. He breathed in, long and slow, and breathed out the same way. He should have known this day would come.
"I never had time with love…nor do I think I ever will…but if I did I don't know what it would be like. Before I…never allowed my feelings to develop for Petra. Yes I…knew how she felt about me. But I didn't…couldn't…make the first move. I held myself back, thinking if I ever grew attached, and something happened…this…happened…I couldn't take it. I love humanity, my squad, my comrades and my friends, too much to ever let them go. How could I possibly let something as self-destructive as falling in love get in my way? I was much safer…to keep her at a distance. Her feelings for me were stronger than my feelings for her, but eventually…a small part of her radiance came through to me. She must have known by the way I used to put up with her a little more than the rest. Still, I left her at bay, and I don't think that was the simple answer you were looking for."
Chained by their attitudes they are slaves;
they have forfeited their freedom.
She was quiet for a few moments, taking this in, before she said "So…you were a coward then…a complete coward to Petra, keeping your feelings locked away because you were too afraid of getting hurt." A small chuckle left her lips "I was right, you are afraid to be a man."
Levi could do nothing but nod. Seeing this, Hanji could no longer stay there, and she leaned away from the Corporal, turning on her heel and prepared to leave him.
But risks must be taken,
Because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
"Hanji wait!"
Levi quickly pulled himself from his state and grabbed her hand, not letting her go into the night. "That doesn't mean I am now! Hanji, I'm willing to start over new! And that reason…is you."
"…what…?" Hanji couldn't believe her ears. She couldn't believe what was coming out of that person's mouth.
"I need your feelings for me right now. I could not be happier for your love for me. But I… must ask you to wait a little longer…but I can say this…I also want us to be more than friends…how much on the other hand, I cannot dispute right now." For the first time that night, Hanji's eyes widened in disbelief before the waterworks turned on again. Anyone would think it was her who had drunk rather than him.
"No that's…*sniff* that's alright," she said as she brushed off her eyes and nose fluid with her sleeve.
Only a person who risks, is free.
END