Disclaimer: I don't own it, I just ship it

Warning: AU, strong language, boy x boy pairings, violence (more so bullying in the beginning), and because this was inspired by the manga Iris Zero, there may be some minor spoilers for it.

Last day of the Host Club! Maybe after this, my chapter sizes will go back to normal…?

oOo

Everyone was glad the Host Club was doing so well, but many were tired. Attending classes all day and hosting until seven at night was no easy task. Even Francis, who could find a way to flirt with a rock, was showing signs of exhaustion. It came as a relief to all the hosts that today was the final day.

The boys were currently setting up before the first batch of appointments came in. There were tea sets to be polished, schedules to be displayed, and Arthur's sad attempts at baking to be hastily disposed of. Of course, each individual host had additional tasks to complete such as tuning guitars or fluffing flawless hair. Being the Host Club Manager, Kiku had more jobs than anyone to finish, but he never complained. All of the extra work he put into the hidden cameras and black market merchandise sales had already made it worth it. The Japanese boy glanced over at Supervisor Edelstein. He still hadn't realized that SHIP had completely taken over this operation. Resisting the urge to smirk was difficult.

"This is so draining!" Roderich dabbed his forehead with his handkerchief.

"You've only had one appointment with Elizabeta the entire time," Francis reminded him.

"Sometimes that's more than enough…" frowned Gilbert.

"No kidding…" Alfred agreed, having recently buried the hatchet with the albino in order to get Mattie's paws off his Lovino. The Hero had a sneaking suspicion Elizabeta was somehow behind it or was giving his twin brother ideas.

The Hosts finished preparing everything and lined up to meet the first wave of customers. Typically, the clients could be heard halfway down the hallway, but today was eerily quiet. When the BTT opened the doors, they found out why.

"It's just horrible!" one of the girls wailed. "It can't be Friday, it just can't be!"

"Please…this isn't fair…"

"I don't want this week to end!"

"Please say you'll do this again sometime!"

Apparently, the customers weren't coping well with the limited-time only fundraiser. At least half of the line was in tears and the other half was begging and pleading the Student Council members to extend the fundraiser or do it again sometime soon. Kiku and Roderich documented each request, promising to keep it in mind, but not guaranteeing anything quite yet.

As the people came pouring in, the hosts got right to work. Kiku had…politely reminded them all that even though it was the final day, it was no excuse to slack off. Desperate customers were quick to empty their pocketbooks if it meant getting to see their favorite host one last time. Fans were paying double, if not triple the standard pricetag to dine with the Student Council members and be treated like royalty for a few blissful minutes.

The President carefully balanced several hot drinks on a tray and began the trek back to his own clients. Three tables over, Alfred watched Lovino with his largest table yet – a record-breaking nine customers at once. Through the grapevine, Alfred learned that Feliks and his friends started spreading the word that Lovino (even without the help of an Iris) could identify anyone's Iris in 20 questions or less. The brunette was quick to disagree (he was confident, but he wasn't that confident), but so far he had a 100% success rate.

Nearby, the BTT had assembled at a table filled with half a dozen of their most dedicated fangirls and one very devoted fanboy. They were bragging about their triumphs and glorious victories as the World Academy Police Force, which had all of their fans on the edges of their seats. The officers were met with a chorus of applause when they'd finished the tale of The Douchebag with the My Little Pony Tattoo. Which ended just as you might imagine.

"Why do you guys even need a Commissioner anyway?" one of the girls asked.

"Well…he keeps us in line…" Gilbert scratched his head.

"And he backs us up when we need it," Francis added, cushioning his teacup with his pinky as he set it back down.

"I guess I was just surprised that the Iris Zero of all people became your boss…" another shrugged.

Out of habit, Gilbert and Francis shrank back into the couch. It was highly unlikely that Mount Tonio would erupt in this setting (and towards a girl), but it was better to be safe than sorry. The last person who badmouthed the Spaniard's cousin to his face ended up leaving with fewer teeth than he had when he'd arrived.

"I don't think people should care about appearances or labels anyway," Antonio said neutrally (although his buddies picked up on the slight edge to his voice). "I mean, all that really matters is what's on the inside, right? We should recognize people for who they are, not what they are."

Several of the customers smiled and agreed. The few that looked as if they'd foolishly open their mouths again were cut off by Francis.

"It's a cruel reality, isn't it?" he cut in, dramatically. "It's not often that God creates a perfect person like moi…beautiful both inside and out!"

"Say what?" Gilbert asked with a mouthful of cookies.

"I understand how you feel, since not everyone as blessed as I am!" Francis hugged his arms, as if trying to contain himself. "But you must console yourself, otherwise how would you go on living?"

"Can we pay to kick him out?" Gilbert nudged Antonio. "Or can we just kick him out? I'd be good with either, kesesese!"

Feliciano also showed up again, forced on a sugar-free visit after his little episode yesterday (Roderich still refused to even look at him). Kiku made sure he asked Lovino to talk to him, since big, strong Ludwig had a soft spot for the pasta aficionado. Feli had promised to listen to his big brother, so when he arrived for his appointment with Ludwig, he pouted, but didn't push his luck.

Ludwig wouldn't say it out loud, but he was relieved. For some reason, he struggled to say 'no' to the amber-eyed Italian.

oOo

Alfred couldn't help but feel a little stalkerish as he watched his Italian from afar. Of course, when it came down to feeling a little stalkerish and choosing to not look at Lovino, it was obvious which choice won out in the end. The blonde leaned against the break table and wondered when Lovino would be done with his current table. He hoped it would be before his next appointment showed up. It had been awhile (read: a day) since Alfred last used separation anxiety as an excuse to hug the brunette.

Maybe this time I could sneak up on him and surprise Lovi...That would be fun, as long as he doesn't see me coming…Or maybe I could help him clean up his table, so if he dropped something, I could swoop in and save the day like a Hero! Lovi might even hug me for that!

As Alfred ran over options in his head, he felt a hand rest on his shoulder. The American spun around to find himself face to face with Francis. There must have been traces of disappointment on his face, because the French transfer student chuckled in that slightly-obnoxious, slightly-condescending way he had.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your dubious thoughts about your chat sauvage…Ohonhonhon!"

"For your sake, I'm going to assume that translates to my video game collection."

"Ah, I take it things aren't going well with Lovino, then?"

"None of your business, you perverted, cheese-eating, surrender monkey."

"I can't tell if you've been spending too much time with Lovino, Arthur, or a combination of the two…" Francis scratched his chin.

"What's it to ya?" Alfred didn't mean to come off quite as harshly as he did, but he was still holding a teeny-tiny grudge against Francis for causing his first heroic confession to Lovino to crash and burn magnificently.

"Hmph, no need to be so rude, Alfred," he sighed. "And here I was going to congratulate you on your progress with Lovino…"

"What progress?" the short-haired blonde frowned. "You and your friends made any sort of progress next to impossible with all your interruptions."

"Don't be silly," Francis flipped his hair behind his shoulder. "Do you honestly believe your relationship with Lovino can only be measured by a confession of love?"

"What?" the President was unsure of what the senior was getting at.

"Think about it, mon ami, when's the last time you can recall Lovino participating in school activities like this, or Student Council meetings, or any kind of event, in general?"

"Um, none that I can think of, but I didn't know him very well before this year…"

"Exactly!" Francis beamed. "After meeting and befriending you, he was able to come out of his shell! Not even his own family was able to get him to open up as much as you did!"

"Really?" Alfred blinked. He hadn't thought about it like that before. The Hero spent more time thinking about all the good things Lovino had done for him, such as making him Student Council President, teaching him how to cook (or at least stir things in a bowl with minimal explosions), gracing him with those rare smiles that made his entire week, and making each day a little brighter just by existing. Oh, man, did he have it bad...

"Yes!" Francis nodded enthusiastically. Now he was getting somewhere. "And the Homecoming Dance, mon dieu, the Homecoming Dance!"

"What about it?"

"If you hadn't asked him, Lovino never would have had any fun or even went at all!"

"You think so?"

"I know so."

Francis had seen Lovino turn down both Feliciano and Antonio's various invites over the years. Even when their famous puppy eyes were used, the tsundere still managed to tell them no with an additional recommendation on where they could shove their request. Yet somehow, Alfred Jones was able to get Lovino to do just about anything with a little pestering at most.

"I still don't think that means he likes me or anything…"

"Are you kidding me?" Francis looked ready to slap him. "No one else has made anything close to that sort of progress with Lovino! As we've all seen before, he's not exactly shy. If he didn't like you, he would let you know quite loudly and in multiple languages. Lovino is the kind of person who will tell you if he hates you, but show you if he cares about you."

Alfred mulled this over.

"And besides, have you seen Lovino tolerate anyone besides Feli and Toni hugging him or holding his hand?" Francis laughed. "Lovino may be a jerk with a heart of gold, but—"

"Lovi's not a jerk!" Alfred interrupted.

"There's nothing wrong with that!" The French student tried to pacify him. "I have a thing for that type of person too. It's nothing to be ashamed of! In fact, having a feisty lover has endless benefits to it! Especially when you're looking to—"

"Please, for the love of god, don't finish that sentence," winced Alfred. The conclusion of the pep talk only succeeded in embarrassing and slightly creeping him out. Francis had been doing well until he started comparing Alfred's love interest to his ornery cousin. Even worse was Francis indirectly comparing himself to the Hero. Alfred had always thought the wavy-haired senior was a decent-enough guy, but that didn't mean he wanted to be just like him.

oOo

When the end of the day rolled around, it was time for the final customers to say farewell to their hosts. Each member took out a large bouquet from the back room and distributed roses to all of the remaining visitors. Each Student Council member had a rose matching their specific badge color (blue for Alfred, green for Lovino, red for Arthur, yellow for Ludwig, and black for Kiku). To fit the theme, the BTT were also given a color for the day (orange for Antonio, white for Gilbert, and pink for Francis). Roderich opted not to participate in the rose event, as he'd only want to give his to Elizabeta anyway.

"And don't worry, guys," Alfred tucked one of his roses behind Lovino's ear. "They're thornless, so they won't hurt you! See?"

"I might, though..." the slightly pink Italian hissed at him, reaching to pull the flower from his hair. Alfred ended up making a game of it and kept putting replacement roses back in Lovino's hair every time he pulled the previous one out. Eventually, the brunette gave up and let it stay. No flower was worth this much trouble.

Initially, everyone was getting teary-eyed (several fans had to be reminded that the club was going away, but the hosts themselves were still enrolled in school and weren't leaving anytime soon) as flowers were being handed out and words of thanks exchanged. Some of Feliciano's fangirls were very concerned that he only got two roses. The easy-going boy just smiled and explained it was alright, he had gotten the flowers he wanted - green for Lovi and yellow for Ludwig. Then, like a spark that caused a wildfire, a single fangirl ignited a battle royale by exclaiming each host had a different colored rose and by the gods, she was going to be the first one to collect all eight!

Instantly, the bittersweet atmosphere became bloodthirsty. Sniffles and squeals of joy gave way to battlecries and shrieks of terror. Friend became foe in a desperate struggle to claim a rose of every color. Fortunately, the Police Force had already gathered for the event and were present to put an end to the rioting. A few had a difference of opinion in how effective a suspiciously smirking Francis was at breaking up the catfights going on around him, but in the end everyone had settled down enough for Alfred to give the Farewell, Host Club speech.

"The Student Council and I would like to thank all of you for helping us out with our fundraiser," Alfred began. "We couldn't have been this successful without you guys!"

As he continued, the other hosts joined him in escorting the customers to the large set of doors. Feliciano had latched himself between his fratello and Ludwig. He freed up both hands by copying Lovino and tucking a rose behind each ear. Lovino looked like he'd much rather be somewhere else, but Ludwig was grateful for Feli's company. It gave him another person to look at after the senior with an iron-grip on his left hand kept batting her eyelashes at him expectantly. Did she have something stuck in her eye? It was a little unnerving...especially after she began licking her lips like a wolf who spotted a plump, three-legged lamb.

"Some people said it couldn't be done, but you all believed in us like Gotham believes in Batman," the blonde ignored the other hosts rolling their eyes. "They said a Host Club wasn't a real fundraiser, but you all supported us like New York supported the Avengers!"

Cue sappy music, courtesy of Kiku's music set-up. The black-haired boy desperately hoped his friend got the message and shifted gears…He didn't.

"We want you to continue to treasure these moments like Superman treasures—Ow! Okay, Lovi, I get it!" Alfred rubbed his shin. "We hope you enjoyed this week as much as we did. Even though it must come to an end, that doesn't mean the Host Club is completely disbanded! You never know when another fundraiser opportunity will pop up, and when it does, we hope you'll be there to support us again!"

Gradually, everyone made it to the entrance of the Music Room. Many sets of eyes, both watery and dry, watched the Student Council President as he concluded his message.

"The World Academy Host Club will be waiting for you!" Alfred waved to the lingering customers as the doors closed.

oOo

Once the final guests left, Kiku gathered everyone around the display table. Eight faces eagerly watched the Student Council Secretary, waiting for the final verdict. Their involvement in future World Academy events was riding on whether they made enough to cover the Homecoming dance expenses or not. Kiku finished writing on his clipboard and met their eyes.

"We did very well," he smiled. "You should be proud."

"We did better than that!" Arthur's jaw dropped when he saw the numbers report Kiku passed him. "With a profit like this, we could fund every school event for the next ten years…"

"Behold the power of sex appeal…" Francis ran a hand through his golden hair dramatically.

As happy as they all were, each Host was equally exhausted. Now that they didn't have to worry about getting a budget lecture from the Headmaster, they could focus on heading home to relax/pass out. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from their shoulders. Even Roderich congratulated Kiku on a job well done coming up with the idea that saved them.

The others began to spill out, so Alfred caught Lovino before he left. The blonde asked him to join him at a table.

"Why?" Lovino asked, sitting down anyway. He really wanted nothing more than to go home and crash into his pillow, but something seemed different about the President. May as well humor Alfred for a few minutes while he rambled on about hamburgers, before he went home and slept straight through Saturday.

"With all the excitement, I didn't get to make an appointment with you, so we could hang out!" Alfred served him a fresh cappuccino, complete with foamy heart (he was a pro at making them now, thanks to the Italian's help).

Lovino faintly blushed. It annoyed him to no end that such a simple gesture from the idiot hero could do that to him.

"And there's plenty of desserts left over that we just can't let go to waste!" the blonde grinned, balancing a towering tray of cookies, cakes, and other leftovers in his other hand.

"I guess it would suck if they just got tossed out like garbage…" Lovino shrugged, taking a slice of tiramisu. His grumbling stomach agreed with him.

"That's right, it would be a crime to waste good food like this!" Alfred agreed, dishing himself a slice of pie. As he shook up a can of whip cream, he got an idea. A fairly childish idea, but he rolled with it anyway. Quickly, he pointed behind the brunette. "Whoa, Lovi! What's that?!"

"Huh?" Lovino craned his neck around. All he saw was the empty room. "What's what, bastard?"

Alfred flicked a bit of whip cream in his direction, causing it to land on his friend's cheek. The American laughed. Lovino was not pleased.

"You called me over here to play stupid jokes on me?"

"I'm sorry, I just wanted you to relax. Here…" Alfred managed to stop laughing long enough to remove the whip cream from Lovino's cheek with his finger. Instead of wiping that off with a napkin, the blonde licked it with his tongue. "Yum, tastes like Lovi."

"First of all, don't call me that. Second of all, how the hell would you know what I taste like?"

Alfred gave him a toothy grin and watched the tsundere's cheeks take on a rosy glow. He had missed being able to talk with Lovino, just the two of them. Even the couple of times he and Lovino hosted a table together, it just wasn't the same. It wasn't that Alfred minded sharing Lovi with others; he just liked having the Italian's attention all to himself.

While snacking on sweets, Alfred asked his friend how everything went with his tables today. The Italian explained how he felt more like some kind of fairground's freakshow than a host. It was nice to have some kind of 'trick' or 'skill' to show his table, but he would have preferred something different. Why didn't any of his clients challenge him to a tomato-eating contest or inquire the best way to prepare pasta? To change the subject, Lovino asked Alfred about the card trick he had performed for many of his tables. Eager to demonstrate, the blonde took out his deck, shuffled, and ran through his favorite trick with the Commissioner.

"Is…this your card?" he held out the Ace of Hearts to Lovino.

"Nope. I chose the King of Spades."

"Wait, what?" Alfred looked over the deck in his hand.

"It was somewhere in the middle," Lovino directed him, pointing to the center of the deck. "I never choose the card that the magician tries to force."

"Know-it-all…"

"Street magician…"

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with that!" insisted the American. "I've seen tons of cool videos of street magicians!"

"Third-rate magician."

"Any chance we can go back to 'street magician?' I liked 'street magician…'"

The starving hosts continued to munch on leftover cakes and cookies until both were ready to burst or be diagnosed with diabetes. Alfred did his very best to avoid lapsing into a food coma. Lovino wasn't so lucky. All the dessert cakes, long hours, and social interaction finally caught up with him and no amount of cappuccino-induced caffeine could save him. The crash had hit. He fell asleep.

"…Lovino?"

"Mmnn…" the brunette briefly stirred, but didn't wake.

Alfred realized he couldn't confess to him like this. He laughed it off the best he could and did anyway.

"Someday soon you'll know how much I care about you…" The Hero brushed several strands of hair off the Italian's cheek and pressed a gentle kiss to his temple. "I love you, Lovino…"

oOo

At the nearby veterinary clinic, a different tsundere and his boyfriend were celebrating the end of the Host Club by picking up a certain bunny who had recently fully recovered from her injuries. She was looking a hundred times better than a week ago when Arthur had nearly pried her out of a stray dog's jaws. A tiny pink nose started twitching in curiosity when the boys followed a nurse to the back room. Arthur tried not to make any indication that she looked absolutely adorable in the green ribbon Francis had forced him to agree on. The smirk that arrogant frog had given him while they filled out paperwork was bad enough.

"So her new name is Mint Bonnefoy?" the nurse asked politely.

"Yes," Arthur replied through gritted teeth. Her name was also a compromise.

"That's so cute," the woman giggled. "I'm sure Mint is happy to be going home with you."

Arthur didn't answer; he just smiled bright enough to light up the room.

Ten minutes later found the two loading Mint's animal carrier into the Brit's car. Francis had fashioned it to look more like an elegant carriage (the carrier, not the car), complete with a fancy gold trim and several bows. Even the interior was lined with a silk cushion. He was either extremely confident in her bladder control or didn't know the first thing about pets. The boys made easy conversation while Mint's princess carrier rested safely on Francis's lap. Arthur joked it was the first time anything was ever safe on his boyfriend's lap. Francis feigned offense, insisting that the last time Arthur found himself in that position last movie night, it was merely coincidence that they never finished the film. His motivations were as pure as the freshly fallen snow. How they had ended up in a totally different room completely mystified him. The tsundere snorted and continued driving, even as his car started making strange sounds. Francis, however was less willing to ignore what sounded like a pipe bomb strapped to the engine.

"You should get that looked at, mon cher…"

"And waste more time?" Arthur scoffed. "It's fine."

Instead of acknowledging that his boyfriend was bringing up a valid point, Arthur brought up the painful subject of Mint's name compromise again. No, he wasn't a sore loser. Not at all.

"Well, we're even because I don't like the name Kirkland," the taller blonde wrinkled his nose. "You should change it."

"To what exactly?"

"You could follow Mint's example…"

If they hadn't been parked outside Francis's house, Arthur would have driven right off the road.

"D-Did you just bloody propose to me?!" the Brit's face was bright red.

"Hmm, not a bad idea," Francis gave him a quick peck on the cheek as he exited the car. "Have a good night, mon lapin!"

"Get your arse back here and explain yourself, you bloody frog!"

oOo

The next day, Arthur was tasked with taking the cash they made to the bank. For reasons unclear to everyone except Kiku, he ended up with Commissioner Vargas as his escort. That right there should have been a sign that anything that can and will go wrong would surely happen.

I can understand why he didn't trust that stupid frog with this kind of responsibility and the brat is infinitely more tolerable than his cousin or that albino wanker, but why do I even need an escort in the first place…? It's not like those four are real officers either…

They had originally met at the school parking lot. Some of the faculty members were working that day, including the school secretary who spent most of the previous evening processing the very large profits made by the Student Council. She wasn't sure what to put it all in, so she borrowed a school backpack for the boys to transport the money to the bank. It felt a little strange to entrust so much money to a pair of teenage boys, but they did come from very influential families and it's not like they were notoriously greedy…just notoriously short-tempered.

As demonstrated by the amount of cursing they did after Arthur's car refused to start despite their best efforts.

With Arthur's car out of commission, no car in Lovino's name, and their stubborn pride preventing them from asking for help, the two made tracks for the nearest subway. The British Gentleman wasn't too keen on the idea. He wished more cabs traveled through the Academy's neighborhood. Maybe they could still catch one before boarding the dreaded tin can transportation system. His dreams were crushed when every taxi in the city was too busy to stop for a pair of high school students toting a suspicious-looking backpack. Lovino had to all but drag him into the station where they waited in the ticket line about as patiently as a hummingbird trapped in a hornets' nest.

"I still don't trust this rusted-over deathtrap…" Arthur uncomfortably shifted the backpack containing a briefcase full of money. He really would feel a lot better with a briefcase handcuffed to his wrist. "Isn't it supposed to be filled with muggers, prostitutes, and whackos in general?"

"Have you even been on a subway before?" Lovino asked.

"Well, no…but I've seen enough movies!"

"Now you sound like Alfred."

"Don't compare me to that annoying bastard!"

"Don't call him an annoying bastard!" Lovino shot back.

"Why not?" Arthur arched a massive eyebrow.

"B-Because only I can call the annoying bastard a bastard!" the embarrassed brunette stumbled to find an answer. He suddenly wished he could take that one back. It sounded a lot better in his head.

"Git…"

"Stronzo…"

The two purchased their tickets and boarded the subway. Arthur took in the obnoxious fluorescent lighting and small size of the train. The drab seating options weren't particularly welcoming either. Not everyone could get behind the idea of sharing transportation with a bunch of strangers ranging from hygienically-challenged frat boys to snobby office workers in business suits. The Briton was very clearly not happy about the newest arrivals – A mother dragging her whiny son in one hand and crying baby in the other. Fate being what it was, they sat down next to the tsundere duo. Neither child would shut up, causing the blonde to pinch the bridge of his nose. If Arthur wanted a headache, he could have just as easily called Francis.

Lovino noted the excessive sighing coming from the person next to him. Against his better judgment, he acknowledged this.

"What's your problem now?"

"Problem? I've had a perfectly wonderful morning…but this wasn't it."

"Like it's my fault you have to deliver the cash…"

"Kiku told us not to mention that, wanker!" Arthur quickly hushed him up. "Honestly, what's it like in that tiny little brain of yours?"

"Calm and relaxing until you showed up."

"Just because you're offended, doesn't mean that you're right."

"You would know…" Lovino rolled his eyes.

"I know I'm smarter than you!"

"Well, since you know everything, you obviously know you're an asshole."

Student Council positions aside, Arthur still couldn't fathom why Kiku had sent Lovino of all people to escort him to the bank. Nothing was getting done. They were too busy sassing each other to death. It got to the point where the mother sitting near them turned around and kindly suggested they find something to agree on. They had been setting a bad example for her two kids, who looked up at the boys, wide grins stretching across their tiny faces.

"Why not find a common ground…like movies? Everyone likes movies," she offered.

"I suppose Goldfinger was good," Arthur rubbed his chin.

"Oh yeah, Goldfinger was great. Hey, you know what was better than Goldfinger?" Lovino dropped the sarcasm. "Every other movie that ever existed."

"How deeply insightful," Arthur rolled his eyes. "Allow me to sit back in this disease-riddled deathtrap and applaud your minor accomplishment."

"Do you ever shut up?"

"And I suppose you have more you want to say?"

"Oh, I have plenty more I want to say, bastard!" Lovino snarled back. "I thought I'd start with your biggest flaw, but I can't decide if it's your eyebrows or your personality."

Just when it looked like the two tsundere would overload the subway car with sass, a middle schooler managed to glance their way and shut them up with two sentences.

"Wow, you guys fight a lot. Are you related?"

oOo

Arthur stared out the window, finding even the occasional piece of graffiti and what he presumed to be garbage more entertaining than anyone in the subway with him. Brightly colored designs zipped by every few seconds or so. It wasn't long before Arthur could start making out certain shapes…a crown, a set of initials, a knife…How odd that he couldn't tell them apart before. Then it hit him.

"Bloody hell, we're going slower!"

"You're nuts," Lovino replied, watching reflections of the other passengers in the opposite window.

"We're going to be late!"

"It's not like we had an appointment or anything, idiota," sighed the brunette. "You're even dumber than I thought if you honestly believed the subway system ran on anything resembling a schedule."

"Well, you're a fool not to believe me about us slowing down!"

A nearby girl stood chattering away with her friends. She chose that moment to turn to the boys and agree with Arthur about decreasing in speed. Her Iris told her how fast things were going, so she would know. The blond smiled pleasantly to her, thanked her, and shot Lovino a smug look. Lovino scowled as the subway car gradually slowed to a halt.

"What? You want an award or something?"

"The Nobel Peace Prize would be a nice start."

"I don't think they give that to assholes."

"Actually, in 1988, they gave it to the United Nations Peacekeeping Forces," the same girl from earlier helped Arthur win another argument. "Not all of the Peacekeepers were known for their kindness."

"Where have you been all my life?" Arthur laughed.

"And can you please go back to wherever that was?" Lovino asked.

Before she could reply, the PA system crackled to life.

"Attention passengers, we have encountered an unexpected situation that requires immediate repairs," the conductor's voice crackled to life over the speaker system. "We expect the delay to take only a few minutes. Your patience and cooperation is appreciated. Thank you."

"This isn't fair…" a nearby businessman groaned to his associate. "According to my Iris, we're going to be 20 minutes late to our meeting!"

"Hmph. That's public transportation for you…"

It didn't take long for that information to travel through the compartment. Before long, all of the passengers started complaining about being stuck here for another 20 minutes. The air had stopped filtering as effectively, so the small, enclosed space grew muggy. Arthur wrinkled his nose at the smell of sweat and bad B.O. mingling in the air. The last straw had been when a passenger on the opposite end of the compartment lost the battle against motion sickness and unexpectedly vomited all over the person beside him. Everyone's stomach's turned, praying there wouldn't be a repeat performance. The stench of fresh puke was overwhelming.

Arthur had enough of this giant tube of death. If they didn't leave now, he was going to kill someone, butterflies be damned! He pried open the emergency exit and jumped to the nearest platform.

"What the hell, tea bastard?! This isn't even our stop!"

"I don't care! We're done with your terrible subway idea!" he shouted back. "We'll walk from here!"

"Do you even know where 'here' is?" Lovino sighed, exasperated. He had little choice, but to follow. His sharp green eyes caught a flicker of movement against some broken glass. They weren't the only ones making a sudden stop here.

"Like it matters, I'm sure there's a map nearby," Arthur waved off his companion's concern. "Now keep up or I'll leave you behind in the miles and miles of abandoned subway tunnels."

"You really need to stop relying on movies to educate you…"

Checking the station map, it was about a 25 minute walk to the bank. Both were hoping to catch a cab once they hit the sidewalk, but no luck. They passed alley after alley, each growing with shadiness. The last one they passed was practically advertising itself as the ideal place to leave a body.

Arthur was completely focused on making it to the bank as soon as possible. Focusing on the dark alleys leading to more dark alleys wasn't going to solve anything, so he didn't let it bother him. Sure, it was a more unsavory part of town than he was used to, but it wasn't like they were in any immediate danger. They hadn't run into anyone good or bad since leaving the station. It was almost like walking through a ghost town. He didn't understand why his companion looked so on edge. Actually, Lovino had been quiet for awhile now. Strange…

"What's your problem, now?" he asked. "Not that I care. Your conversations leave much to be desired."

"Why don't you pay a little more attention to your surroundings and find out?" hissed Lovino.

Arthur finally noticed the large group of even larger guys tailing them. He wondered how he had managed to miss them before. It was now very clear why the streets were deserted.

"Follow me," the Brit took the lead, cutting Lovino off before he argued. "I have a plan."

Arthur had the navigational skills of a Sahara desert ant. He knew his way around the gigantic Kirkland estate and the surrounding neighborhood like the back of his hand. The blonde was fairly certain he could drive to school backwards if it really came down to it. He was so good, he could give directions to the blind. However, as his younger cousin would say, Arthur wasn't in Kansas anymore. He was face to face with a brick wall and no escape route.

"So, your great plan was to lead us into an alley with a dead end? Brilliant."

"Sod off."

"Why didn't you just lead us to an abandoned building? Or their fucking headquarters?"

"Did I ask you for your bloody opinion?"

The muggers surrounded them in the shadows. These guys looked like they had long since moved on from harassing people on the street and shoplifting. The gang approaching them looked more like the 'steal your wallet and leave you for dead' kind of crew. Lovino began rattling off their weaknesses just loud enough for Arthur to hear.

"Douchebag on the far left in the red shirt is going to be the first idiot to charge, Manboobs is huge, but slow, Nose Ring there has a bad left leg, Pornstache has some kind of money-detecting Iris or an unhealthy obsession with pockets and backpacks, Ugly Face Tattoo is hiding a knife under his shirt but can't handle it for shit and almost dropped it twice…"

"What makes you say that?" Arthur asked, a hint of uncertainty in his voice. "These wouldn't happen to be friends of yours?"

"I think they'd get along better with you; those eyebrows of yours would fit right in," scoffed the Italian before answering his question. "I've been getting myself into and out of fights since I was a kid, practice makes perfect."

While Arthur had been busy bitching about walking to the bank, Lovino was analyzing their enemies. He caught glimpses of them in store windows, car windshields, and other reflective surfaces. Several years of being stalked home by elementary school bullies made him quite good at this. Lovino made mental notes of who was leading the pack, who had to be held back, who was able to follow directions, who was not…as well as individual body sizes, speeds, and overall bravado.

"I hope you don't expect me to rely on the quality of your information when your sources are so questionable," the Brit snorted.

"Then we'll both have to rely on your giant eyebrows shielding us from whatever they throw at us, since your brain can't process common sense."

"What's it like trying to manage such astounding levels of stupidity?"

"I don't know. What's it like having delusions of adequacy?"

The gang surrounded the boys, looking as menacing as possible. Unfortunately for them, it was all for nothing. The tsundere teens had begun arguing again.

"This never would have happened if you just stayed on the fucking subway!" Lovino hollered at his companion.

"With the pleasant aroma of sweat and vomit? I don't think so!" Arthur huffed. "This never would have happened if you didn't insist we take the subway in the first place!"

"Hey you girls! We're over here!" one of the goons tried to get their attention. "You can have your little bitch-fight later!"

Not surprisingly, he was ignored.

The tsundere team continued screaming at each other, as if they weren't completely surrounded by a gang filled with members who had competitions to see who could make their victims scream the loudest when they cut them. The fact that these two little schoolboys were acting like they didn't even exist was worse than a kick below the belt. One of the thugs charged at them to make a statement. Both of his large fists were raised and he ran as fast as his stubby little legs could carry him.

Arthur wasn't even surprised it was the one Lovino predicted would run in blindly.

"You two's is gonna pay up!"

"Maybe after you learn actual English…" Arthur shoved Lovino out of the way and sidestepped the giant's punch, which caused the brute to land in an awkward angle, perfect for Arthur to trip him.

The giant mugger crashed into a wall, causing his buddy to charge in next.

"You can go join your jackass friend," Lovino landed a well-placed blow to the other boy's head, destroying any hope the gangster had to retaliate (or stand up in general). He was ready for the third guy who tried to sneak in a cheap shot. "And you can go choke on rocks!"

The angry Italian kicked him in the leg he previously noticed a limp in. The effect was instant and the thug faceplanted into the ground, clutching his bad leg in pain. When he tried to push himself up, Arthur drove his heel between the taller man's shoulder blades, causing him to eat dirt again.

"Don't bother to get up, wanker…"

"What the fuck?!" exclaimed the gang leader. "You little shits think you can mess with us?!"

Arthur and Lovino responded by giving them all deathglares. Whatever remained of their patience had vanished, leaving only their explosive tempers.

What happened next would come to be known as the Sucker Punch Incident. Local authorities were unable to track down the ones responsible for the destruction. The Red Skull gang wasn't much help either, able to only mutter the words "demons" and "hell" when questioned. Even after their recovery, the thugs refused to speak of what happened the day they had their spectacular idea to bully a pair of dragons, happily serving time in prison for over a dozen other accounts of drug-dealing and assault charges they'd racked up. Anything to get away from the green-eyed devils. Based on the damage report, police officials stated that the vigilantes are still at large and suspected to be a part of a group – perhaps 5-6 members strong. Because no normal pair of human beings could be capable of causing that kind of chaos just because they lost their temper…

…Right?

Once they'd completed their task at the bank, both tsundere were able to hail a cab for the return trip home. As they got settled in, they heard the news report over the cabbie's radio.

"Is that…?"

"Oh, hell no…"

"Never speak of this again?"

"You've got yourself a deal, bastard."

They shook hands and pretended nothing out of the ordinary happened after boarding the subway.

oOo

A/N – Sorry for the wait with this chapter...hopefully, it (and both Host Club chapters before it) being the size of two regular chapters makes up for it? ^^;

So, I've always wanted Iggy and Roma to have a sass-off…I think it would be better to have them do so as Nations, but figured I'd practice here.

I also wanted to point out that Arthur's steadily overcoming his own biases against Iris Zeroes. He was more than eager to argue with Lovino over just about anything on the subway, but never even thought to blame him for his car trouble or the subway delay. I mention it here because neither of them will admit it, due to their excessive pride and unwillingness to ever talk about the Sucker Punch Incident ever again XD

-Rajikka

Translations

Fratello – Brother (It.)

Tsundere – A type of character seen in anime or manga known for appearing cold or hostile, but having a hidden sweet side. "Tsun Tsun" is the aloof or irritable side, while "Dere Dere" is the lovey dovey side. (Jp.)

Bastardo – Bastard (It.)

Doujinshi – A self-published work (Jp.)

Mon ami – My friend (Fr.)

Moi – Me (Fr.)

Chat sauvage – Wild cat (Fr.)

Stronzo – Bastard or Asshole (It.)