Part 4: a fourth year with eyes wide open

The summer of Astoria's fourth year was marked by the stark shattering of what was left of her naïveté, the rise of the dark Lord was a reality for her parents, not just a rumor invented in the halls of the Slytherin common room. A truth acknowledged by all no longer confined to the whispers inside closed rooms.

A fact made abundantly clear by her parents, yes, as soon as Astoria and Daphne stepped out of the train, lines were drawn, their opinions were questioned, their futures redrawn according to the new development in the magical world, plans were made and from then on Astoria knew that nothing would ever be the same.

Because for the first time in her life, Astoria was asked to choose sides.

Her mother, a great supporter of pureblood supremacy, strong and unwieldy, was naturally in favor of the dark Lord, lady Juno Greengrass nee Avery being the daughter of death eaters herself, didn't see the point in forbidding Daphne from going out with Theodore and Blaise, she didn't see the point in using her wiles to avoid the inevitable.

And her father, the great Hyperion Greengrass, who played both sides on daily basis in his position as a diplomat, was an advocate for the highest neutrality. He was in favor of avoiding the war altogether, in his eyes he would do anything to avoid tainting the family name, so any association Astoria had with known death eater offsprings or known Order of Phoenix's offsprings was severely frowned upon. Needless to say, Astoria chose her father's side at once. The side of those who chose not to do anything, the side of the cowards.

But then again the Greengrass bloodline was as Slytherin as it was pure. Not once had it ever produced a Griffindoor.

Being a Slytherin she knew exactly what the choice was costing her, but she had to think of herself first, pledging her life to the dark lord meant forfeiting the few rights she had over said life and Astoria had seen too many choices taken away from her by virtue of being a "delicate flower" of the noble house of Greengrass, she would not give up even more of the little slivers of control she had over her mapped out destiny. She wasn't Daphne, who followed new trends and fashions blindly like it was a God given gift. Crowd mentality, Astoria refused to understand it, as did their father, let alone be part of it.

It took only a week after the youngest heiress of the house had taken her stand in favor of neutrality before she was suddenly struck with a very debilitating illness that left her at death's door.

It was ironic that at the very same time that Draco Malfoy was voluntarily going trough the traumatic process that involved taking the dark mark, Astoria's insides were being ravaged by goblinscales and dragon fever.

That summer Draco learned to perfect his oclumency shields, he was subject to the humiliation of his family and was broken into way too many pieces to count. How the memories of Astoria managed to escape the carnage that was Bellatrix Lestrange in his head, Draco didn't know, but somehow by the grace of Merlin, they had. And Draco sometimes yearned for them in the quiet of his bed in Malfoy Manor.

He suffered greatly and so did she, as her body was shaken with horrid spasms day by day and the blood in her veins felt like burning acid, at one point the delirious girl begged her father to let her die but Lord Greengrass didn't break. He got his daughter the best healers, he was determined to avoid failing the family bloodline. Even going as far as requesting special illegal potions made by Severus Snape himself.

And it paid off, by the time the second month of summer was over, Astoria Greengrass opened her eyes free of illnesses.

But in her absence things had changed. Things that the once innocent girl did not want to understand. Because as soon as Astoria woke up, she realized her mother and sister were no longer there.

A list of responsibilities a mile high were dumped on her lap immediately. From household management to ward control. It took her days to figure out what her mother and sister's absence in Greengrass Hall meant, and why her father seemed to be the only one who ever visited her while she was sick. On her own she figured out why she wasn't allowed to talk to Daphne anymore and why her father confined her to the mannor for the whole summer with the excuse that she was still "convalescent"

It didn't stop her from having nightmares filled with blood, or dreaming about Tracy being disfigured with cutting knives that looked like quills, only most of the time Tracy turned into Draco halfway trough her dream. And Umbridge wasn't the one carving words into his scarred skin.

Astoria turned fifteen and her father still couldn't bear to tell her the truth face to face, worse of all, she understood him.

Because he was Lord Greengrass the diplomat, he was poised, strong and put together, he hated weakness, but after Lady Juno and Daphne chose the dark lord he felt himself break, because everything he'd ever worked for in his life was about to vanish, his standing in the ministry, his status in the Wizgamenot, his perfectly aristocratic family marked by the dark lord.

And Astoria saw it, she watched day by day as her father tried to hold everything together by the seams until one day, she found him in the greenhouse, doubled over her great grandmother's gardenias, crying.

Her father, the cold and stoic Hyperion Greengrass, was actually crying where he thought nobody would see him and in that moment, seeing her father at his worst, Astoria's heart hardened a little bit more, startled by the realization that her father was human too and had changed with the return of the dark lord, she resolved to be stronger for him, because he needed to rely on somebody, even if it didn't help, it was her duty as a daughter to be strong.

So she promised herself that she would never cry again, she would be stronger, she would become marble and ice, for her father, who seemed to be all she had left, she would be brave.

With determination Astoria smiled her best smile and refrained from asking the hard questions, like why her parents were separated? or why would her sister want to murder her?. She took care of things in the only way she knew, by smiling at her father and offering him the illusion of a picture perfect daughter to comfort his guilty conscience.

At least he looked less haggard when Astoria chirped about music and gardening, those times when she played the piano for him on hours end, making a show of how healthy she was and how very, very happy she was in her ivory tower. Even when her insides died over and over with every news that her house elves brought her from the streets of Diagon Alley.

She'd never really thought about it but looking back she realized that for some reason her father had been protecting her from other purebloods since she'd started Hogwarts, or even before. The signs were all there, how he'd always allowed Daphne to be in pureblood balls and gatherings but usually kept Astoria relegated to the sides or simply made her stay home. Why she wasn't pushed to socialize as much with other younger siblings belonging to the sacred twenty eight or paraded like a trophy on every possible opportunity. She'd thought herself neglected by him, the spare to the heir, knew her health made her the weak link in the family but it never really occurred to her that her father was afraid of losing her.

Of course she'd also thought her father indifferent to the family's lore which claimed that after great aunt Grimhilde all dark haired witches in her bloodline were cursed to either suffer greatly or die young. but she'd been wrong about that since the beginning.

"You feel too much so you block yourself too much, it's our curse daughter, we don't feel as other wizards do" Lord Greengrass liked to remark when Astoria was a child and she now knew the full truth of what "feeling too much" could mean.

And at night Astoria always felt cold. On the rare chances she'd left Greengrass Hall to floo with her father (or occasional bodyguard) into the apothecary of Diagon Alley she'd seen the devastation trough the windows, the wizards with haggard faces and lack of children in the street were like sucker punches of reality.

She longed for Draco on those nights, despite knowing in her heart that he was most likely NOT making the world a better place with his existence, she longed for his brand of abrasive conversation. If only because she needed to hear the raw bleeding truth only Draco would dare to slice her with.

He longed for her too but because of different reasons, he longed for her resilient facade, the little girl he'd come to regard as his best friend (wasn't it ironic?) Her soft words and indignant manners, in the dead of the night he would lie awake and think about how he'd give a bloody arm if someone ever looked at him the way Astoria used to once more.

Like he was a knight instead of a destructive murderous dragon. Only Astoria could sincerely look at him like she believed he was not a nightmare waiting to happen and was actually capable of protecting a weaker human being. And he knew that in his life she'd probably the only one that ever would.

The days passed as his training in the dark arts grew, but at night even HE would stretch out his arm for the comforting frame of a girl who wasn't there.

For Astoria that summer marked the beginning of the end, living in Greengrass Hall was like being trapped in a comfortable tower overlooking the suffering of everyone else from a vantage point. As a witch, she'd never felt so helpless, people were dying out there! This was wrong! Death eaters, mudbloods, half breeds, people were scared and according to her house elves children were being murdered because of their parent's allegiances.

Whe had the world become such a horrible place?

And here was she, safe and protected, by virtue of birth. Not because she was important or because she'd done something good that made her worthy of a fidelius, no, she was protected because an accident of birth dictated that her family was better than others. It was unpleasant to acknowledge but Astoria knew it was true, the only reason she was not knee deep in war plans like most of Hogwarts was because she was born with the right connections. Not because she deserved to live.

And Astoria could do nothing about it, not even send food to the needy, because nobody in their right mind would trust a pureblood in times of Death Eaters, but she wanted to, she wanted to reach out to the wizards and witches that were suffering, because as every day passed she hated her ivory tower more and more.

Yet speaking against Voldemort meant death and and much as Astoria hated herself for being bloody helpless, she didn't hate her father and if she stepped out of line, he would pay too. It was the way of the snakes.

Nobody knew that Hyperion almost didn't send Astoria to Hogwarts that year, the last thing he wanted was his precious last non-death eater heir anywhere near Voldemort or the place he was most likely to target now that Harry Potter was of age, but in the end he had to agree to let Astoria go, however much he wanted to preserve Astoria's life (and last remaining chance of having worthy male grandchildren to preserve his legacy) by sequestering her away in Gringott's most guarded chamber, Astoria's personal healer advised him against it.

If only he knew that Astoria had been sleeping in the bed of a junior death eater since her first year in Hogwarts. Then he'd have made sure to keep her away, but what proper father would suspect his most well behaved daughter of foul play?.

So Hyperion Greengrass did the next best thing, he gave Astoria a pouch containing a miniature portkey with the instructions to use it if Hogwarts anti apparition wards were ever breached and in her father's language that was the equivalent of saying I love you.

"Be strong Astoria, conduct yourself in school like the gracious young lady I have raised you to be, remember that above all you are a Greengrass" Lord Hyperion impressed looking at her intensely "born to be royalty" he recited, as a family motto, He then personally handed her into the Hogwarts express and with a courtesy towards her father she joined Hestia and Flora who were waiting for her.

She passed by Draco's compartment on her way to join the fourth years and saw him with his head on Pansy's lap, he looked tired and sallow, in fact most of the boys in the compartment did, but still Astoria could not stop the disturbing flare of jealousy and hurt that shot through her when she watched Parkinson's fingers comb themselves through Draco's hair.

Then Daphne saw her and nodded her briefest acknowledgment "Astoria" she said in a toneless voice "how is our father?"

"He lives" was all Astoria answered in the same dispassionate tone "How is our mother?"

"She lives as well" Daphne chuckled "she sends her apologies for not visiting your sickbed, but we were afraid of your illness being contagious, had you not been sick I'm sure you would have been able to join me and my friends in our social activities" Daphne sniggered making Pansy's shoulders shake in laughter (disturbing Draco's brooding) but the warning in Daphne's eyes conveyed a very different message "I hope you don't feel hurt by the slight…dearest Astoria"

"We are sisters Daphne" Astoria replied making sure to inject the right amount of ice in her tone "our bond will recover eventually"

Draco watched her from behind half closed eyelids as she made a pivot turn to leave, making a exit as graceful as it was scathing. He ignored the stab of pain he felt when she overlooked him. After Lord Voldemort gave him his mission he'd made a conscious decision to no longer feed his growing attachment to little Greengrass.

During the hollidays Draco had changed

But so had Astoria.

Her clothes, her lies even her friends, the year professor Slughorn took over as head house lots of things changed for both of them and it drove Draco mad with irritation.

For one thanks to the new influx of female first years Astoria Hestia and Flora were assigned to a shared dorm (it might have taken a few bribes to professor Sinistra) which meant that Draco was banned from her room and due to the amount of dark magic seeping from his own, Astoria was too wary to set foot in it, it made Draco very angry.

And considering Draco had to watch as a bigger group of male allies (*cough* lap dogs *cough*) began flocking towards Astoria (and the Carrow girls) on daily basis, endure the whispers of half the school and figure out a way to murder Dumbledore, that was saying something.

One day Astoria would look back on that year and realize that this was probably the moment fate decided that she had the makings of a Malfoy.

Because Draco wasn't the only one affected by their forced separation. It seemed that every time they were in the same room Draco could do nothing but glare at her and her companions. Yet if she ever searched him out he could still be found letting Pansy fondle him whenever the she-troll wished, this made Astoria mad.

for the first time in her life Astoria was seething in ice cold fury, she'd been scared to death for two whole years, treated like a nitwit by her teachers, poisoned by her own sister! Agonized in pain for three weeks! Been rejected by her mother and trapped in her family home by her father, everytime she saw Parkinson simpering over Draco she felt like adding a bigger Avada to the list, his blantant ignoring of her no longer caused her amusement, it caused her rage.

And all in all, the wall holding back the negative emotions inside Astoria was begging to be torn apart, because at her age Astoria had smiled fifteen years too much and been fifteen years too calm, she'd never realized there was darkness in her until the itch to lash out against somebody was almost overpowering

And it exploded the first moment in the school year that Astoria found herself alone with Draco.

It happened in the library of all places, Madame Pince was too busy reprimanding Harry Potter and Ron Weasley and like it usually happened when the golden trio had Madame's attention, the rest of the students in the library made as much noise as they wanted.

Astoria enjoyed the library on those days just as much as Flora and Hestia didn't, so she barely lifted her eyes when Draco dropped in the seat in front of her with his most annoyed expression.

"Pansy got Larkspur poisoning today little Greengrass" He snapped angrily "Why?"

"Maybe she was being a sore in my eye?, maybe I wanted to see her turn blue?, maybe it wasn't me at all, ask a Griffindoor they certainly seem to hate her more than anyone" Astoria again refused to look at him, pretending to peruse her book "maybe she was being annoying at lunch and maybe my hand slipped"

"Jealous Greengrass?" Draco hissed, he could see the barely restrained anger in her eyes, good, he wanted to provoke her

"You HEXED Marcus bloody Yaxley, don't talk to me about jealousy, all he was doing last week was…" Astoria was cut off by his fist slamming in the table

"Trying to cop a feel while pretending to adjust your wandwork, the bastard deserved it"

"Maybe I wanted him to, ever thought about that Malfoy" finally Astoria let fury color her voice "Maybe I wanted him to touch me and let me touch him back, maybe even kiss me"

"Over my dead body, little Greengrass, don't try me, I'll hex whoever gets close to you and you know it"

"I'M NOT LITTLE ANYMORE" Astoria half shouted angrily getting up from her seat "I'm fifteen and I want things, things like kissing…and Hogmade trips and hand holding and flower bouquets and bloody expensive jewelry that's too ugly for me to wear, why won't you let me have those things"

"Because you're mine! And nobody can have you" Draco got up also and being taller than her his glare was more intimidating

"I'm not yours! Pansy is yours, I'm just a silly little girl that's in over her head for an older boy who never bothers to acknowledge her" Astoria's voice had never been so cutting as she faced off with Draco "Get used to Pansy's accidents, because I'm a Slytherin and if I can't have anyone I want, then you sure as hell can't either" and with that a pissed off Astoria Greengrass turned on her heel and left, glaring at an eavesdropping Blaise on her way out.

Was this what growing up felt like? A maelstrom of emotions that turned you upside down and left you doubting everything you thought you knew about yourself? If it was then she wanted no part of it.

Draco struggled as well, the more lively Astoria pretended to be, the more he wanted to snatch her from her new court of admirers and lock her up in a tower. Voldemort's task made him increasingly more irritable, and snappish. Because he was very scared for his family deep down, he took it out on his friends.

And so the frustration of their first month of school made its way into the second.

Finally it was Theodore Nott and Blaise Zabini who knocked on Astoria's room late in the night one weekend and made the Carrow Twins wake her up.

"Astoria, Astoria" Hestia whispered holding up her lumos, "Zabini and Nott are out the door, do you want us to send them away?"

"Or hex them?" Flora mumbled grabbing Astoria's robe and urging her to put it on

Astoria shook her head, shrugging into the robe and waving the twins away and creeping towards the door in a sleepy haze "He's in the astronomy tower having a fit" Theo said bluntly crossing his arms over his chest as soon as he saw her "spare me the lover's drama once and for all Greengrass" pushing an notice-me-not amulet to her chest he grunted "he's going to do something stupid if someone doesn't intervene and you are the only person I know who he wouldn't hex on sight tonight, so go…do whatever it is you do to calm him down"

"I…I we're… Not lovers" was all the younger girl fought to mumble as she extended her hand waiting for Hestia to hand her her wand "Theo…he has Pansy. Why do you even think I could help"

"Oh don't "Theo" me Astoria, you owe me, heck you owe Zabini too, who do you think has been keeping your little sleeping secrets from Daphne all these years?" Nott hissed pulling Astoria out of her dorm and glaring at the Carrow twins daring them to protest, dragging the younger girl past the empty dungeon corridors "you think you are the only one he's pissed off this year Greengrass? Think again"

With a few muttered words Astoria let herself be forcibly shoved trough secret passages by Blaise and Theo, who's bloodshot eyes and tired faces told Astoria they were close to snapping thanks to Draco.

When finally Blaise gave her one final push in the Astronomy Tower's stairs before disapearing with Theo in the whisper of advanced notice-me-nots, Astoria knew that the Draco she was about to face wasn't the boy he'd been the year before.

When she opened the door she was proven right "Depulso" She heard the words before she saw him

With a gasp Astoria's reflexes conjured the first defensive spell her father had drilled into her head "Protego!" She shouted unnecessarily loud, like a startled cat scared out of her mind. But she wasn't fast enough and the Depulso still managed to somewhat knock her on her feet

When Draco came closer and he saw exactly who he'd attack Draco's face crumpled (one day he would tell her that the image of her that night would haunt his nightmares forever). He watched as Astoria cautiously got up, looking so spooked, his fickle little witch, holding her wand shakily in front of her, blue eyes wide and teeth biting her lips to keep herself from screaming, she was wearing her Slytherin robe hazardously thrown over pastel green pajamas, with her hair piled up in an ugly knotted bun at the top of her head.

And Draco realized that for the first time in his life, little Greengrass looked scared of HIM. It was like a punch into his gut, seeing her frightened, ready to defend herself against him, someone she knew wasn't supposed to hurt her. Those eyes that always looked at him with trust were, for that moment, clouded with fear, fear he'd once longed for but now couldn't stand to see there.

So before her anger came back, and her indignation and all those things Nott told him she was probably feeling, Draco crossed the room silently and warped his arms around her, he just couldn't stand to see the fright in her face, he needed to feel she was fine.

"i didn't want…i didn't know it was you" He needed something from Astoria that he only ever seemed to get when he had her in his arms, but instead of a sneering jab or a sarcastic comment, the moment he rested his chin on her head all he said were the words "I'm scared"

It came out as an apology, a plea, a sob, a cry, as he clutched her to his chest and repeated the words over and over again like a supplicant in a church. And hesitantly he felt Astoria's arms warp themselves around him too, offering the comfort of her arms, letting him exhaust his mantra as his knees slowly weakened and he fell to the ground like a broken mess, clutching her with his head pressed to her belly, seeking that silence that only she was ever able to impose in his crowded head.

Because Astoria, little, weakling, fifteen year old Astoria, was good at not saying anything when people needed silence the most, she was good at making him feel like it was fine to be broken, she'd always been.

So he let her card her fingers trough his hair, feeling the tremors of her body subside to gentle breathing as he held on to her tiny form like a man holds on to a lifesaver in the sea. Sobbing terrified words into her robes while she listened quietly and tried to offer all her wordless comfort.

When dawn came, to the astronomy tower he woke up invthe broom closet covered with his school robe as a blanket, with her head in his shoulder, blue eyes closed, red lips slightly parted and creamy skin flushed from the warming charms in her own robes, he vaguely remembered hiding from Filch and sitting with his back to the wall after showing little Greengrass the mark in his arm.

Astoria hadn't cried, she hadn't pitied him, but neither had she congratulated him, she'd just nodded slowly, accepting his mark with solemnity and he could have kissed her for that, he figured that somewhere between her starting to humm a Celtic lullaby and his hands discovering the strip of exposed skin between her pajama top and bottoms, he must have fallen asleep.

"They can't know you exist, I'm trying to keep them from finding out that you exist" he whispered into her head " don't be scared of me Astoria"
"I'm not" Her bleary eyes opened slowly and she nodded "although I'm still sightly pissed off " she mumbled almost making him smile

His hand once again found the strip of skin between her pajamas and absentmindedly started inching upwards, soon Draco became acutely aware that he'd spent the night with a girl in the astronomy tower, aware that she no longer looked or felt like a child. When he looked at her now he could see the shadows of the woman she would one day be. And just before his hand reached her breast he stilled.

"Its okay, you can touch it" he didn't realize he was waiting for permission until Astoria's blue eyes stared into his with complete trust.

And Draco sighed, realizing he wasn't scum enough (yet) to treat her so cheaply "Not in a broom closet Greengrass, us Malfoys have standards"

Astoria smiled hearing the big clock strike the time "then perhaps you should stop doing so much Dark magic in your room" she replied hinting heavily and temporarily transfiguring her pajamas into a clean uniform.

After that Draco began showing open distaste for Pansy's simpering, and if a bouquet of daffodils magically appeared in Astoria's dresser a few days later, well it had nothing to do with the night in the Astronomy tower.

It was the best year and also, the worst.

Draco would kiss her in dark corners, pull her into empty classrooms to bite her neck, let her pull his hair and explore his buttons all that she wanted. There would be random owl packages addressed to her, delivered inconspicuously to the Carrow twins and secret smirks that would have Astoria melting.

But he was also using her as a substitute for Obliviation, he never talked about the dark mark, or Voldemort when he was with her, mostly making cryptic remarks that worried Astoria to death. But when he did, Astoria could see the strain his "mission" put on him.

Privately, she would sob for him, laying her head of Flora's shoulder and despairing about what Draco was being forced into by people who should know better.

But she couldn't help him.

Little Astoria Greengrass couldn't kill Voldemort or stand up against a horde of death eaters, let alone undo Draco's mark. She couldn't reverse his choices or cure him from his demons.

So Astoria threw herself in her parcels project, she transfigured trinkets for the haggard looking children in her house and collected more useful things for the younger Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws. Hoping that they would pass on her efforts to the Griffindoors.

Their generation was under a death warrant and Astoria couldn't help but feel like a failure for not being able to help all these sad little witches and wizards who hadn't had a chance to see anything beyond Thestrall infested fields and school halls filled with fear.

While Draco tried to fix the vanishing cabinet and the Carrow twins became more and more engrossed with the Slug Club, the loneliness Astoria couldn't fight manifested itself in higher school marks and secret care packages to unfortunate students.

Soon word of what Astoria was doing somehow spread trough the Hufflepuff grapevine until a couple of upperclassmen bravely approached her in order to join her efforts and expand her semi anonymous delivery service.

And so in the middle of Voldemort's return, Astoria Greengrass found her calling.

(One day, years in the future Astoria would go on to found a charity for neglected muggleborns and wizarding orphans. The Greengrass Foundation would in years to follow become a mark of pureblood goodwill in the new magical Britain that was built after the war)

Draco told her to stop, because If the other death eater Slytherins ever found out that she was the mastermind behind the Hufflepuff initiative her life would be forfeit. But Astoria simply lashed out, refusing to cower and not even attempt to help anyone that was weaker than her.

Yet it was only after the Katie Bell incident that Draco sought out Astoria's bed that school year.

Hestia and Flora by tacit agreement took one look at his hollow cheeked face and made themselves scarce.

Draco for the first time didn't slip behind Astoria as he'd done the years before, but in front of her, pulling her on top of his chest and breathing in her scent, feeling the tension in his muscles Astoria warped her arms around his middle, offering him as much comfort as she could "I'm glad you failed" she confessed in a whisper "you could die and the Dark Lord might punish everyone, but I'm glad Katie Bell isn't dead…it's sick that I'm also glad that they didn't catch you"

"I don't want to be a murderer Astoria" he replied as he let himself be held together by her soft arms almost sobbing again "but if I don't do this, my father…my mother..the Dark Lord will kill them"

"Shh, shhh don't talk anymore Draco, its all right I'm here" Astoria tightened her arms around him and made him look at her "I'm here, look at me, just at me"

"Why don't you hate me?"

"I can't, you already hate yourself enough for us both" and Astoria disentangled herself from him and slowly sat up, beginning to card her fingers trough his hair in a motion that was becoming easily familiar to the blond boy "sleep for a while Draco"

But once Draco got a good look at her clothing, sleep was the last thing in his mind. She was wearing a light silk camisole and a pair of shorts, usually Astoria covered her arms with a long sleeping robe, preferring the softness of nightgowns over two piece sleepwear but even then Draco knew he'd never seen her wear SILK "what's this?" He mumbled momentarily distracted by the lace edges of her new, skimpier nightclothes.

"My Healer forbid any type of suffocating clothing after I survived my sickness last summer, Madame Lavine said it would be better for my health if I got a new wardrobe spelled with warming charms instead of buying anything that could roast me alive if I ever had an unannounced fever again" Astoria explained blushing unexpectedly "if you don't like it…"

"Stop it porcelain, I never said anything about not liking it" he snapped rolling his eyes and putting her hands back in his hair again "who said you could stop"

Astoria smiled and continued caressing his hair, slowly moving to place his head in her lap "I know you hate him, but I hope Harry Potter ends your master before your master ends your family"

"Don't say that, the dark lord is very powerful. Too powerful" he didn't sound happy about it "I don't even know who I am anymore little Greengrass" Draco whispered relaxing slowly under her hands "I think that's what scares me the most"

He woke up the next morning in his usual position, behind Astoria, caging her with his arms, this year, she fit in perfectly under his arms, like the missing puzzle piece he didn't know was out there.

During the night Astoria had unconsciously snuggled her backside right into his pelvis and had he been anything other than a Malfoy he would have been embarrassed to wake up with his hand skimming the waistband of a sleeping girl.

But he was a Malfoy so he moved it lower until he found curls to play with. When he was satisfied with what he found he made to remove his hand but was stopped by Astoria's "who said you could stop Malfoy" she whispered sounding a little bit breathless, her small hand guided his back to her waistband and pushed it lower, past her curls to the soft wet folds of her femininity "that feels nice Draco"

She could feel him hard against her backside "does it little Astoria?" He hummed against her head, his other hand found it's way to her right breast and began lazily smoothing his fingers across the tender skin of her globe "does this feel nice too?"

"Y..yes..V-very nice" she stammered pushing her backside to his hardness looking for friction.

"I can tell" he agreed feeling the moist liquid drench his fingers "I've been making sure nobody else but me can ever make you feel "nice" remember" he said momentarily unconcerned with the revelation that would prove to be his undoing one day.

"I like it when you touch me…touch…just touch more of me" she almost pleaded

Draco complied "but if you want me to touch, I have to look, can I look Astoria?" He was asking permission, for the first time in his life, he wasn't just taking something because he could. With Astoria he would never take that chance. If he offended her and she decided to cut him from her life again, he knew he wouldn't deal with it well.

"You can look, I'm not ashamed of my body" then she gave him a slightly impish smile "I'm descended from Grimhilde "The Fairest" remember?"

So reverently Draco lifted her camisole and lowered her shorts ( plus underwear) to look at Astoria's naked body as dawn filtered trough the windows. When he did, he understood why the best painters from the muggle world depicted heavenly beings unclothed.

"You are beautiful" the words escaped his mouth before the seventeen year old could catch them.

Astoria simply smiled, letting herself be completely vulnerable under his gaze "thank you" was all she replied.
And then in awe as if with a mind of their own Draco's hands began to move. He touched his fill with slow deliberate precision, meticulously exploring the curve of her neck, down to every inch of her breasts, memorizing the planes of her stomach and the rich darkness of the hair in her pelvis, down the folds of her wetness and the softness of her derrière. Watching how her creamy skin turned red with heat as his fingers trailed over sensitive parts of her. He wanted to keep this moment, trap it in a vial and revive it in a pensive.

He briefly considered that this was probably what Patronus were made of.

So he touched her. And watched her smile as he made her cry out his name with his fingers ( because really, she was awfully responsive for a fifteen year old ) And later he let her undress HIM and reverse the process.

He watched her as she found scars and things he wasn't proud of, he watched her as she explored every inch of his chest and he watched the worshiping awe in her face when she saw his body as a whole.

Letting her touch soothe him, comfort him and temporarily quiet the demons in his mind. Here, with her, he could almost forget his name and sins. Because when he thought of her, he saw light.

She was the closest thing to purity he'd ever get. And Draco couldn't help but being greedy with her generosity.

But he also couldn't help trying his hardest to keep her as removed from the darkness of his world as he could.

And the sad thing was that Astoria knew.

She knew he was tasked with killing the most powerful wizard one could duel, she knew he mumbled about Voldemort in his sleep and she knew he was a death eater.

What was wrong with her that she didn't seem to care about the horrible things he'd voluntarily done in order to take the dark mark?.

But he was hurting, he was doing bad things and he was hurting so badly that it was hurting HER

And Astoria didn't know what else to do except open her arms and let Draco curl himself in them every time he sought her out.

And he didn't know what else to do when he was hurting more than usual except show up at her bedroom door and hope her gentle hands in his hair could make him forget…

So Astoria became his sanity. And he took more and more advantage of it as the days passed.

She warped him up in her Vanilla scented blankets after that I'll fated argument with his godfather during Slughorn's Christmas party and slipped an inconspicuous monogrammed quil into his robes before they parted ways during Christmas break. A gift so simple he often took it out without arousing suspicious glances from anyone.

During Astoria's break, her father once again underlined his emergency procedure with ferocity. Ordering Astoria, this time without bothering to hide his hysteria. To take her older sister and run if death eaters ever breached Hogwarts with impunity.

It was then that she knew that whatever happened next…Lord Greengrass had every intention of removing her (and possibly Daphne) from school the following year.

She returned to Hogwarts to find a sea green bracelet waiting in her pillow. And to the rumor that the Dark Lord would soon grace Hogwarts with his blessing.

After that Draco's dealings in school became increasingly more frantic, and Astoria withdrew into her group of acolytes once again.

When he sought out Astoria, he did so as a last resort, battling between the need to protect her and his addiction to the calm emotions he made him feel.

Officially they didn't have a relationship, but he was the boy she had always sought out for protection since before she knew what love was and she was the girl who always looked at him like he was a better boy than he was.

He never actually took advantage of her in the physical way because Merlin knew that even Draco Malfoy had limits when it came to Astoria's age. But that didn't mean he hesitated in kissing or touching her.

She was HIS and when he had to let her go, he wanted Little Greengrass to remember it in every inch of her skin.

So he used her shamelessly. Refusing to talk about it or to answer the questions he could see written in her eyes.

He used her to forget and because Astoria being younger than him, didn't know how else to help him…. She let herself be used and didn't raise a voice to stop him.

Not when he pushed her against cold walls and kissed her like he wished to kill her (and die at the same time)…or when he snapped at her for voicing her doubts on pureblood ideals…or when he grabbed her out of nowhere on odd hours just for to show her he could.

She let him and she hated herself for it. For not being loud enough to demand words of love, or at least for not even hoping he would change.

She could tell he felt something for her and until the night he stumbled into the dungeons with dried blood on his uniform, after receiving and being saved from Harry Potter's Sectusempra, Astoria would have been able to deny that she cared for him too.

But she also knew that he was using her to cope. Did that mean that her own sick method of coping was letting him use her?. Astoria didn't know.

And so the nights passed, in silences, meaningless moments and tears on both sides.

Until even Flora Carrow raised an eyebrow at her "is this your form of atonement? Playing benefactor to every single sad kid here…" Flora remarked as she helped brew the latest batch of pepper ups, Flora didn't condemn her, but she was usually more in tune with Astoria's emotions than Hestia "is this how you make up to the gods for committing the perceived sin of loving a Malfoy?"

"I don't love him" Astoria quickly denied "this isn't atonement, and if it is, I'm atoning for my whole family as well"

"then I'd hate to see how much goodwill you would forcibly do if your whole family were actual death eaters like mine"

But the truth was that maybe subconsciously, Astoria did see her collaboration with the Hufflepuffs as some sort of atoning penance. Maybe for all the bad the boy she loved wasn't doing in the world. Astoria just wanted to offer her own good works in exchange.

Until it happened…close to the end of the school year. Draco entered Astoria's room with a face so solemn it made the Greengrass heiress call back the Carrow twins to give them the signal of flight.

"Its done isn't it?" Astoria whispered appropriately mournful "the vanishing cabinet you talked about…I can see it in your face"

"You will run far won't you?" He was dressed in black death eater robes and he watched as she spelled her trunks to pack themselves "promise me Astoria, promise me that you won't look back, especially not for my sake"

"If you fail to kill Dumbledore, the Dark Lord will kill YOU" Astoria's hands were shaking "and where do I get a say in that? Its Askaban or death..where do I fit in there..I want..maybe if I"

Draco shook his head, he wouldn't let her be like his mother "if you followed me you would only get killed faster, that's just how wars are"

And then because she was so angry with him she snapped "I HATE YOU DRACO MALFOY" she shouted the lie balling her hands in fists and weakly began hitting his chest " I hate you..I hate you..I hate you"

"I know" he nodded soberly "you should have learned to hate me ages ago" so he let her hit him until she ran out of rage.

He let her hit him until her fists were red and her face blotchy. Because it was the least he deserved and then he kissed her "I don't want you to die Draco…please don't let them kill you" she whispered when she came back up for air

"I'm a Malfoy, we don't die easy" he tried saying with a bad imitation of his usual smirk

And then Astoria asked the one question she needed answered most before he sealed his fate "Do you love me?"

And because Draco had always been honest with her he let her have this one last truth "I might…" He replied looking into her eyes "whatever love feels like…if its something pure and gentle and filled with hope, then that's what I feel when I'm with you" then he returned the question "do YOU love me?"

Astoria couldn't help but nod "I do" her voice came out as a broken sob "I might love you more than I should love anybody"

"Then stay safe, please"

"Are you scared?" Astoria whispered with tears in her eyes, Draco nodded "if you can't turn around, will you at least stay alive? For your family…for me"

"I'll try, for you little Greengrass" he whispered taking her hands into his "I'll look for you when its safe…"

"The train station! the platform with the trains leaving for Switzerland, find me when all this is over"

They spent the last night either would spend together in Hogwarts holding each other and basking in what could be their last moments together.

When Draco left to let the death eaters into the school and to kill Dumbledore.

Astoria did the one most Griffindoor thing she'd ever done in her life. Before she ran.

Astoria tattled.

"You have to stop him" was all she said practically storming into professor Snape's office, the teacher could have killed her with the daggers shooting out of his eyes but Astoria was too hysterical to care "he's going to die, if Dumbledore doesn't kill him the dark lord will, please"she almost begged "you are his Godfather you must know what to do"

And for a moment time seemed to freeze as Severus Snape looked at her fully, the girl didn't look very threatening, petite with long brown hair and delicate features, yet the dignified pleading of little Astoria Greengrass on behalf of Draco almost made the arm that had taken an unbreakable vow for the boy, burn with recognition.

Narcissa had sported the same look when she made him swear said vow.

"Where is he now Miss Greengrass?" Severus drawled making the girl step back

"Astronomy Tower, please hurry, Draco doesn't want to do it" had it been anyone else Astoria's admission would have been seen as betrayal but he was Professor Severus Snape Head House and illegal potion maker. He'd never given Astoria a reason to doubt his willingness to help Draco.

"You won't be able to be together you know" Snape had to remark as he swept out the door "Bellatrix would kill you and make him watch just for fun"

"I know its impossible… But I can't help it, I wish I could" Astoria replied back with her head held high "haven't you ever been in love?"

Snape didn't reply instead he scanned her from head to toe and sighed "you'll be good for him I suppose" he said more to himself "I'll return him to you Miss Greengrass… wipe that frown, its unbecoming"

It was also the last time she would ever see Professor Snape alive again. But Astoria didn't know that when she ran with her friends and sister, taking a portkey to an undisclosed location as death eaters swarmed into Hogwarts.

There is so much wrong with Draco in this chapter, that I hope I kept him true to his character. Shout out to the following: 1)Astoria's Moral compass: daughter of a neutral family I think its fair to see her dabbling in dark and light places 2)Draco's emotional instability: using someone that loves you just because they let you IS STILL USING SOMEONE 3)Reversed first chapter: I ended the Hogwarts cycle with a parallel, Astoria being the strong one while Draco is afraid in juxtaposition to Draco being the strong one when first year Astoria started sleeping in his bed