Hey guys, thank you so much for your support. My mental breakdown is now being tamed and now hopefully you guys will be getting a new chapter every Monday. Its been so long and for those who thought I abandoned this, "Oh ye of little faith!"

Sorry its so short but I got a troubling review and just wanted to send a flare up to show I was still alive.

Now I understand the term, Nostalgia. Its that feeling that hits you like a wave, good or bad. This memory is bitter sweet.

My brothers and I together, just us, yet we were hiding from our greatest enemy.

"You lived here?" Gen asked letting her eyes roam over the small cabin. There was no way we were staying here, but I wanted to see it for old times sake.

It looked like it did the first time I saw it, the windows covered in dust and the door barley on its hinges. It was a dump. But for six year old me it was a safe haven. It was our house.

I pushed open the door and stepped inside, it was dark, so I went over to the window, and opened the curtains, letting the sun shine in. It was just how we left it, because of me. Again.

Dust went up my nose, and it took all I had not to sneeze. I looked over at Gen, who laughed at the face I made.

"Very attractive?" She smirked.

"Shut up I have allergies," I defended. She only rolled her eyes.

Gen went to one corner of the room and I made a move to the other, where a bed frame sat, the mattress long gone. Underneath it sat a little green metal box, D.W scratched into the chipped pain covering the side. I pulled it out and opened it up, knowing the combination for the small padlock was always going to be his birthday.

"But everyone chooses their birthday?"

"Shut up Cas!"

Ten year old voices echoed in my head.

Inside was what was left of my ten year old brother, back when it was just us. The first thing I saw, were little green army men, they were mine, he kept them here so other kids wouldn't steal them.

"Can I keep my men in their so they don't get crushed to death?"

"You know their toys right, Sammy?"

Then there were his pictures, one of mom, Dad was ripped out, he had been mad that day. Then one of him holding me while sitting in a chair, back before. Then there was a more recent one, or at least back then. Of him, me and Cas, standing in front of the old group home.

"Smile Cas!?"

"I don't understand.. why do I have to say cheese?"

"You guys looked happy," Gen said kneeling beside me, I jumped at her sudden appearance, but agreed.

"Yeah, if we only knew," I scoffed.

"Think of it this way, if you hadn't have gone through all the bad times you wouldn't have met John and Mary," She explained.

I wasn't going to tell her how much I thought about that. That maybe if I had been gone, Dean might have been adopted into a good home, and kept. How Cas might have been able to stay with Gabriel. Or how John and Mary could have adopted a baby like they wanted, they never said anything but I know it was true. All the parents wanted little kids, but I'm glad they dealt with us.

I shoved the box and its continent back under the bed, shoving away memories. There were no notebooks unfortunately, this was before I even knew how to spell my name. It was after Max I started keeping a record.

I stood up and sighed, suddenly feeling heavy. There were so many what ifs, what would have happened if Micheal had kept us, is John and Mary's kid hadn't of died, if Dean and me had gotten adopted sooner, if Cas found his mom, if him and Gabe stayed together. It was almost suffocating.

"Lets find someplace to sleep tonight okay?" Gen asked, she must have noticed my shoulders slump.

"Sure, I think I know a guy who won't I.D us," I smirked, remembering Derek. Our foster mother used to take us there when Max got way out of control. Sometimes if she couldn't take us, before we found this place, Cas or Dean would pay the guy the money Dean earned from his odd jobs and the guy let us stay in the motel. The more I thought about what we've done the more I question how we're alive.

I took one last look around the dusty cabin, before turning and stepping back outside, with Gen by my side.

The motel was just the same, which was surprising, I really hadn't expected it to be here. The only difference was it was owned now By Derek's son, Shane. Thankfully he was as much of an easy job as his father.

The room was small, with two twin beds and a TV. Gen made a bee line for the bathroom, and left me alone in the room. The first thing I did was plop down on my bed and take out my phone, 37 missed calls from Mary Winchester. Great.

The heavy feeling in my chest got bigger, and heavier. For the millionth time today I re-thought about what I had done. Only now realizing how stupid it was. But that's the problem with stupid, once you become it, its too late to fix it.

I grit my teeth and hit the call button, waiting for the phone to ring. I was going to regret this, but the guilt was too big. I knew Mary and John loved me, and I just left without even telling them I'm okay?

I didn't have to wait long for an answer.

"Sam!?"

"Hi mom," I said quietly. She sounded so scared.

"Baby where are you!?"

She began to cry, and I hated it.

"I can't tell you, I'm sorry I'm so sorry, I don't know what I'm doing but I have to!?" I told her, wishing it made sense. I couldn't go home, after just leaving. Plus Scott was waiting for me. Once he found out I chickened out I was dead meat for sure.

"Dean thinks he knows where, he's coming to get you!?" She sniffed from the other line. Two things hurt, I made my mom cry, and I ripped my brother away from his new family. I was selfish, I had to be. He couldn't be there every time I got upset, he had two kids now. But at the same time I was happy. He cares enough to come get me.

"I love you," I said bluntly, hanging up. Running away from them again.

I stuffed the phone in my pocket and pulled my legs up onto the bed, laying down on the pillow. I threw and arm over my eyes and prayed for sleep.

I'm re-writing the old stories in this series, I write edited in front of each chapter that's edited. I haven't gotten many yet but their coming. I hope you guys check it out, and again please forgive me for my absence.