Till I'm Gone
Sora Matasuki
Chapter Fourteen
Tadashi stared blankly at the wall, leg bouncing up and down in an absentminded, agitated fashion. The only sound besides the sound of his sneaker squeaking on the hospital tile floor was the steady beat of a heart monitor. The murmur of Aunt Cass and a doctor whose name Tadashi didn't care to remember talking washed over him. But his focus was on the beat, the beat that had nearly been wiped out, nearly missing being forever erased out of his life.
Tadashi closed his eyes and breathed through his nose, grimacing as the smell of hospital and antiseptic hit him like a sledgehammer, bringing forth faded memories. He hated hospitals. They made those faded memories slightly more pronounced and vibrant. Memories of when his life had changed forever, when he was only seven and so sure he knew everything, with little Hiro clutched to him. He'd only been three when it happened…
Hiro… just thinking his little brother's name shoots shards of agony through his heart and brings tears to his eyes. He's been crying on and off for hours. The memories flooded him again.
The shine from the hall light on the blood slick tile, how limp the body of his brother had been, head lolling into the crook of his arm, skin clammy and still warm. The wetness of the towel as it turned a dark murky brown then fully red, staining his fingers. His throat tearing as he screamed and screamed and SCREAMED for (help please Aunt Cass! Aunt Cass! Please, anyone! Help me he's BLEEDING OUT)!
Raging at the world because he couldn't lose his little brother (not you too, not you please no not you) too and pleading for his brother to ( stay with me buddy please. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry no no no please PLEASE DON'T LEAVE. WHERE'S AUNT CASS - HIRO STAY ALIVE, PLEASE) stay.
How footsteps had sounded up the stairs finally and Aunt Cass had screamed and someone was crying and shouting for an ambulance and yelling at a 911 operator. How hands had tried to pry him away and he'd looked up covered in blood into the faces of paramedics and had to let go (no no Hiro I'm sorry I'm sorry please don't leave me I'm sorry I'm sorry it's my fault my fault please don't die) of his brother's hand and makeshift tourniquet and let them work all the while feeling - numb numb numb numb - like a wall was between him and the world. A paramedic was trying to talk but it's only noise between the rushing in his ears and the tears falling ("I found him like that. He-") and he chokes and tastes the salt of his own tears.
He'd fallen silent, trembling, still crying, choking, shuddering. It was like he'd never stop ever again. He knew nothing would ever be the same. Now that blood was on the tile and on his hands and the reassuring warmth of Hiro's limp body was GONE.
Things blurr and suddenly he finds himself in the car, heading to the hospital behind a wailing ambulance with it's red lights flashing in his eyes. Red is all he can see. Everything is still numb.
Time slips again and Tadashi finds himself in an uncomfortable chair, staring at a prone figure so achingly familiar and yet so foreign as wires and a breathing tube are covering a delicate cherub face and body. So still… so still it's wrong he should be moving, talking his ear off a mile a minute, doing SOMETHING instead of just being so… still… The beat of the heart monitor is his only solace.
Tadashi is only left with unanswered questions. A constant barrage of 'why's on repeat. Over and over again he asked the same thing in varied forms. Why had he done it? Why had Hiro felt like it would be the best option if he wasn't on the earth anymore? Why had his little brother felt the need to end it all? Why… why… why why why why!
Tadashi curled in on himself, the tears falling faster, falling harder as his breath caught in his throat, choking him in mid whine. His arms encircled his middle and it was like he had been cleaved in half.
If only he had refused Thomas' offer! An hour… he'd only meant to stay an hour. But an hour had turned into two, eventually merged into three as Thomas kept him well distracted by dragging him everywhere. At four hours Tadashi had managed to glance at his phone and felt his heart stop. He'd ripped his arm away from Thomas' grip and had spun on his heel. He'd ignored the startled questions as he raced out of the house and into his car. By the time he'd driven himself home though, the panic had been replaced by excuses, explanations that tried to shift the blame off of Tadashi's shoulders and onto anyone else's but his. He'd lied to himself and had told a half truth to Aunt Cass. But really, he had no excuse. If there was a contest for World's Worst Big Brother In All of Time and Space, who would win hands down, no questions asked?
Him. It was him. He was the worst brother in the world.
Who went to parties instead of going to a movie promised to a precious younger brother? Oh yeah. It was him. He was such a selfish idiot. How had he not seen that Hiro was struggling? How could he have just believed that it was just him being tired, him being a moody teenager with pubescent mood swings, when in hindsight, Hiro's actions were a textbook example of depression! He was the worst brother in all of history.
"Tadashi?"
The boy in question jerked, eyes red and puffy as Aunt Cass, her own face red and splotchy, placed a hand on his shoulder.
Tadashi averted his eyes. "Hi Aunt Cass…" he murmered, voice choked. His eyes travel to the prone form on the hospital bed, Hiro's chest rising and falling in a reassuring steady pace.
"It's late. How about you go get some sleep." Aunt Cass said softly.
Tadashi bit his lip and frowned. "But Hiro could -"
"They have him on some medication that's making him sleep through the night. He won't be waking up for about eight more hours, Tadashi. Go home, I'll stay with him and txt you if anything changes." his aunt told him.
The sixteen year old's shoulders slumped. "...Okay…" he said, defeated.
His eyes traveled back to where Hiro lay, sleeping. A white bandage could be seen peeking out from behind the guide rails, wrapped around a thin wrist. Tadashi swallowed the lump in his throat and stood up, tearfully looking away from his little brother.
He'd be leaving him alone… like he always did…
He was a horrible brother.
His footsteps echoed on the tile floor, loud in the relative silence of the hospital room. He reached the white sterile door and paused. He turned around and looked at his brother's prone form again. The sixteen year old took a deep breath and bowed so low that he was practically bent in half. "I'm so sorry Otouto…"
He ignored Aunt Cass' dismayed gasp and fled the room, the tears falling again.
He was a failure of an older brother.
The cafe was dark when he stumbled in through the back door. He cringed back, the memories of running down the dark hall screaming for Hiro with panic flooding his mind flooding his senses. He was on his hand and knees, retching for what could have happened if he was a little later in glancing at his phone and realizing he needed to be home, if Hiro had gone vertical along his arm instead of horizontal. Eventually, the fit passes but it leaves him trembling on the wood floor and staring at the stairs with trepidation.
After what seems like eternity, Tadashi manages to push himself up off the ground. He braces himself when he takes that first step onto the staircase, breath hitching and the hand holding onto the guardrail clenching and unclenching spasmodically. His dark eyes travel the wall and then flinch away at a picture of Hiro grinning toothily, the gap in his teeth shining wide and proud, the corners of his cheeks making his eyes crinkle just a little around the edges. He'd just managed to catch one of the biggest fishes in Lake Yami, just south of San Fransokyo. It'd been the summer just before all of this had happened.
Hiro was so proud. He looked confident, and sure of himself. He hadn't looked like that in a long time, Tadashi realized and cursed himself for another failure in his brotherly duties. He hadn't seen the difference, the changes had occurred in so small of increments, that it was overlooked.
Tadashi ripped his eyes away from the picture and looked at his feet instead, the guilt churning in his chest and making his eyes sting with more cursed tears.
He stared into the darkness, breath catching in his throat, foot frozen in mid air. He couldn't do it. He couldn't enter the place that had started this entire nightmare. But… he had to. His bed was in there after all. So was Hiro's. He'd have to cross Hiro's room to get to his. He couldn't do this.
Tadashi shook his head. "Stop being so stupid!" he scolded himself angrily and swiped on the light, flinching back at the foreign cleanliness of Hiro's side of the room. Another reminder of what had happened because of his bad brother skills.
The screensaver was still on. Tadashi gritted his teeth and turned his back on it, making it a point to not investigate as he headed to the shogi screen that seperated the large space into their bedrooms.
It could have only been just his and he wouldn't have known if he had left later than he had. It'd been too close. Far too close.
Something pinged and Tadashi glanced down at his phone. It was Eve.
Eve: TADASHI
TADASHI PLEASE ANSWER THIS AS SOON AS YOU WAKE UP
OH MY GOSH I HATE TIME ZONE DIFFERECES
TADASHI I KNOW YOU STAY UP LATE ON FRIDAYS!
TADASHI
TADASHI
TADASHI
Tadashi's eyes widened.
Tadashi: What's wrong Eve? What's happened? Why are you All Caps Raging at me? Did I do something wrong?
Eve: IT'S GIFT. I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM. HE SENT ME A TEXT AROUND FOUR THIRTY YOUR TIME SAYING GOODBYE AND I
I THINK HES
I THINK HES KILLED HIMSELF
I
HE ISN'T ANSWERING ME.
Tadashi felt ice freeze his stomach and he closed his eyes as his synapses finished connecting the dots.
Tadashi: Gift's fine.
Eve: HOW DO YOU KNOW
oops capslock -_-
How do you know?
Tadashi: I think Gift is my younger brother. We found him just in time but…
Eve: Tadashi I am SO sorry
Tadashi: No, it's not your fault. it's mine I should have seen the signs. I study medical texts for fun. I should have known better than just blowing it off as teenage mood swings!
Eve: Tadashi, it's not your fault either!
Tadashi snorted. "Yeah it is." he muttered, typing up his words as he spoke them. Then he tossed his phone onto his bed with a dark laugh before hanging his head, shoulders shaking.
He was the worst brother ever.
AN:Thank you so much for the reviews everyone! They're all so wonderful! 357! Wowza! Sorry it's so short, but I wanted to update you all on what Tadashi was feeling... hehe *hands out tissues and directs people to table laden with refreshments* Hope you've enjoyed!
SUPER BIG THANKS GO ONCE AGAIN TO MELANIE-MARCH-, WITHOUT HER THERE'D BE SOME RATHER EMBARASSING MISTAKES IN HERE. XD
Big thanks go to:
LadyWendy202, Padfoot the epic GLOWSTICK, thetimehasturned3, CrazyCartoonistOtaku, A. , TreasuredSanctum, Turquisea, Escaming The Shadow, SoaringOnWings, Alice, The Golden Marauder, Purpalz Miner, DreamweaverAki, h, Silverstream, Guest (#1), BlueD, TheKreibae, Disneynerdbh6, ArianandXaia, KanaMac, Sushi Hawkeye, Blood of the Wolf, TridentTattoo, seems-pretty-legit, DreamGirll, Snowflake (yeah... I was inspired by it...), Melanie-March (taichou... TT-TT thank you for catching that mistake...), The-Shepherd's-Daughter, wellthen44, crazydaisy555, sherlywherlylock, Guest7602, TooLazytoLogin, umdiddle, guestarecooler, DarkRexPoke44, WriterGurl11, teengens, Mynameisname, Madness Shared, Guest (#2), Guest (#3), aaaand Narniac4aslan!