Till I'm Gone
Sora Matasuki
Chapter Fifteen
TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF HARM
Tadashi finally braved Hiro's side of the room, his pain overcome by an overwhelming need to know why. And maybe… just maybe, his little brother's computer would help him with that.
The first thing the sixteen year old noticed was that all the tabs on the browser were tiny, and he felt his heart constrict as he realized that Hiro had so many tabs dedicated to ways of killing himself. And yet, he'd chosen the one of the ways that would hurt the most. Did his brother really hate himself that much?
Tadashi swallowed thickly, fighting back the tears that he was growing to accept as something that'd become a Thing. His trembling fingers hit a button on the keyboard and suddenly the elder Hamada was bombarded with the sounds of a social page going off with many notifications.
Hiro's social page? Tadashi thought faintly. Frantic in his searching for the right tab, the teen clicked through several pages of information Hiro had looked at only hours previous. Maybe his social page would have answers.
The thing about truth is that it's a Pandora's Box. Once you've learned something you can never unlearn it. It is forever in your brain.
Tadashi found Hiro's social page- and he immediately wished he hadn't. So many posts were about a video, about how it was about time, and other nasty, nasty things that made the elder Hamada flinch back at their vulgarity. Tadashi closed his eyes and breathed through his nose, gripping the edge of the desk in an attempt to ground himself. The words swam into being behind his eyelids, demanding he pay attention. They were to be forever engrained, the words seemed to insist.
Dim memories of a day full of anger and agitation, come running into his mind. Memories of how Hiro's phone had buzzed and buzzed and buzzed without end and was ultimately ignored on the car ride home. Was this what Hiro'd been going through? Day in, day out? Had it gotten so bad that he couldn't take it anymore? But… he'd been so happy last night…
And yet you let him down, a dark voice said in the back of his mind, making Tadashi flinch and look anywhere but his little brother's computer. Just like everyone else. It was true. It was his sworn duty as an older brother to protect the children who were born after. And yet… he had failed, in the most horrific of ways. He hadn't been able to protect his little brother from himself, because he'd been so wrapped up in his own business, his own worries that he hadn't seen anything wrong until it was too late. Tadashi had failed because he wasn't there to support Hiro when he had needed it the most.
Eventually, Tadashi found himself watching the video everyone was going crazy over. And felt his stomach drop as Hiro's tear stained face filled his view.
"I'm the real Hiro Hamada and I don't know why everyone heard my name and decided to hate me for who I am."
Tadashi couldn't breathe. His brother looked so broken, so lost and confused. It was like he'd crumble away into dust in the slightest breeze. "Hiro, no…" he whispered, voice hitching.
"My parents chose the Japanese characters meaning generous or tolerant when they decided to focus on my Japanese heritage."
Tadashi bowed his head as his little brother's voice cracked and trembled with suppressed tears, brown eyes shining and looking imploringly at the camera as if he were begging his audience to just understand. The Hiro on the camera shifted slightly and glanced away before returning to the camera. His voice was hoarse.
"But I think I've used up all the tolerance that my parents wanted me to have. Because now… now I hate myself too."
Tadashi was crying, loud sobs and a constant stream of "I'm so sorry, Hiro!" being repeated over and over. He nearly missed what Hiro had to say next, what made his blood run cold.
"And I've thought… Wouldn't it be nice... To see them again? After nine years of knowing that I never really knew them. Because they've been dead. And... Maybe... I should be there, wherever they are too."
Tadashi shook his head frantically, hyperventilating through his sobs. "No, please! Don't think like that!" he begged, despite having the knowledge of what had been done. His Hiro looked defeated, like he'd given up fighting.
And he had. He had stopped fighting because no one had stood up for him. Because no one had fought for him. Including his older brother.
" I don't know... if heaven or hell exists. I just... I want to go home." the camera Hiro pleaded wearily and Tadashi felt his heart shatter into irreparable pieces.
Then, camera Hiro smiled softly, suddenly insecure. He floundered for words. "So… I guess this is goodbye?"
A tear streamed down his Hiro's face and the dust of Tadashi's heart caught flame and turned to molten ashes. Camera Hiro reached up and turned off the camera. The video was finished.
Tadashi was broken. Had been breaking ever since he found Hiro's internet history. But now, after finding what was basically Hiro's suicide note, he was completely broken into jagged pieces that he didn't even know how to fix. He was sure Hiro was worse off than he was and that made the tears all the more bitter. Because when you love someone so much and you see them in pain, you want to take all of their pain and make it your own so they don't have to suffer.
But that's not healthy, and Tadashi knew it. Knew it and yet it didn't change that desire to take all of Hiro's pain away. Tadashi was and always would be a protector, and right now, he felt like he'd failed at that. Failed at what was his core principle. He'd failed as a person, and as a brother.
His weary, tear logged eyes traveled back to the screen. So many comments were referencing a second video. Someone had even posted a link to it after others had questioned about it, obviously just as out of the loop as he was.
It was filmed with a shaky hand, the camera going everywhere at once and made Tadashi feel queesy from all the excess motion.
"-nerd, ever consider taking a swim?" a cocky voice asked and suddenly Tadashi's blood ran chill for the second time that night before it suddenly switched to a white hot rage that changed that ice to fire because that was his baby brother being manhandled in the boys bathroom nearest the cafeteria.
"Please don't!"
The rage boiling inside Tadashi's chest rose a few notches at the sheer terror in his baby brother's voice. Hiro was begging. He never begged, unless he was trying to worm his way out of something trivial like a disliked chore. And it was never like this. Never.
"Should've done our homework, nerd."
"You earned that grade, Andrews!"
Tadashi felt pride in how Hiro was still trying to stand up for himself, even though he was clearly terrified of whatever these bullies were planing. Rage surged up again as the one identified as Andrews leaned close to Hiro's face.
"Because of you I'm having to retake the class." Despite it being hissed, the camera still caught it.
"You did nothing, you can't expect to pass a class just by skating through and doing no work at all-"
Tadashi let out an angered yell as the slap resounded hard and clear in the speakers. He was going to hunt down this Andrews and make him see how he liked being slapped around by a black belt.
"Let's take him swimming guys."
And Hiro screamed before he went limp, having been punched in the solar plexus. Tadashi's hands fisted into balls, his fingernails making half crescent moons in his flesh.
"Aw… is the lil' nerd scawered?" the one filming taunted as Tadashi's little baby brother was dragged into the stall and forced to his knees, arms pinned behind his back.
No no no no no Tadashi's mind went to dark places and he fought the urge to throw up.
"I h-hate you." Hiro hissed, mouth full of poisonous venom and Tadashi couldn't find it within himself to disagree with the vitriol that had spewed out of his baby brother's mouth.
"Like you'll do anything about it, you wimp." And then his baby brother's head was dunked into the toilet bowl. Three times in total this occurred and every time, Tadashi feared that they would drown him as the one filming zoomed in on Hiro's thrashing body as he grew weaker and weaker in his struggles.
They dumped him wet and gasping for breath on the tile floor and Tadashi hated hated HATED the laughter that those evil fiends let loose before the video suddenly cut off, having been jerked away from the crying form of his baby brother just as it ended.
The rage burned in his veins, an icy cold thing. Tadashi knew one thing for certain: he was going to find this Andrews, and kill him. And anyone else who got in his way and thought that touching a hair on his baby brother's head was okay. It. Wasn't.
Tadashi scrolled to the top of the social page and began writing.
This is Tadashi Hamada and you all have nearly caused me to loose the only family I have left. I hope you're happy that my little brother is lying in a hospital bed, strung up to IVs and medical tape and staples being the ONLY THING from keeping him from dying of blood loss. A TWELVE YEAR OLD LITTLE BOY! A BOY! IS IN A HOSPITAL ROOM, DRUGGED TO SLEEP, BECAUSE OF YOU ALL.
I hope you're all happy. Because I am NOT.
It wasn't what he wanted to say in full, but it would have to do. Otherwise it would be illegible and filled to the brim with curse words and Tadashi didn't want to be on their level. The sixteen year old hit post and shut down the browser. He needed to walk off this rage before he did something stupid and wasted it.
Darkness slowly faded to the red gleam of sunlight piercing through the blood vessels within his closed eyelids. His head felt like it was floating, high up in outer space. The soft sound of a machine's steady beat washed over him as the strange sensation of oxygen pouring constantly through his nose caused said appendage to twitch and scrunch up at the foreign experience.
He opened brown eyes and winced at the brightness, a whine escaping his lips as he blinked away tears of sleep. Where was he?
The ceiling was white, he observed. He tilted his head sideways. The walls were white with blue trim. Hiro turned his head back and heaved a bitter sigh, screwing his eyes shut at the sunlight filtering through the sheer white curtains. Great. He was a failure as well as a screw up. He couldn't even die properly. Now, he was stuck in a hospital room, where there'd be no way for him to try for a second time.
Great. Just perfect, like he'd always wanted.
The sound of a door shutting makes him flinch and Tadashi's voice rings out, loud and clear despite it being coated in hesitance. "...Hiro?"
Hiro didn't want to open his eyes. He didn't want to see the look of… of whatever look Tadashi was sure to have on his face.
"Hiro… I know you're awake." Tadashi said softly, "Your heart rate changed a bit when I walked into the room."
"Huh… So that's what that constant beeping noise is. It should stop. It's getting annoying."
Suddenly, a weight was on his bed and Hiro flinched back again, eyes flying open to meet the dark gaze of his older brother who had sat down near his feet. Tadashi reached over and grasped Hiro's shoulder, looking him directly in the eye. "Hiro…" His voice broke and Hiro's eyes grew wider at the tears that streamed down his brother's face.
Hiro looked away, suddenly uncomfortable. "Why do you care, Tadashi?" he asked dully. Tadashi wiped at his tears and scowled.
"Because I'm your brother. I've never stopped caring for you and I never will!" the sixteen year old declared. Hiro shut his eyes as if the declaration pained him.
"Just saying words doesn't mean that you actually mean it, nii-san." he bit out and the weight on his hospital bed shifted.
"Then I won't say anything. I'll prove it to you through my actions." And then big arms were wrapping around his middle, careful of the IV in his arm and suddenly Hiro found himself in the middle of an extremely awkward hug.
"Just one hug doesn't mean you care, stupid!" Hiro scowled, trying to push Tadashi away and off his person, brown eyes shining. "It doesn't mean anything! Its just two people putting their arms around each other - haven't you realized how weird that is! You could hug me all the time and it wouldn't change a thing!" The tears fell and he quieted down, shivering. "It wouldn't change anything." he whispered.
Tadashi just hugged him tighter. "That's where you're wrong, buddy. You don't see it yet, but I'm sure you will eventually."
"Shut up." Hiro whispered hoarsely. "Just shut up!"
Tadashi pulled out of the hug and sat up straight again. There is silence for a while then, the dreaded question: "Hiro. Why did you do it?"
Hiro looked away again. His hands fisted into little balls and he bit his lip, hard. He really, really didn't want to answer that.
"Why did you go for a blade, Hiro?" Tadashi pressed, "Out of all the other ways, why did you choose that one?"
Hiro's lip ached so hard that he thinks that he might have caused it to start to bleed like he had in the beginning of the year.
"Hiro, please." Tadashi begged. "I need to understand."
"Why do you think, Tadashi?!" Hiro spat out.
"That doesn't matter, I need to hear from you first."
"Shut up!" Hiro screamed at his brother, tossing his head to the side so he didn't have to see the look of devastation on his big brother's face. "Just shut up! Stop talking! You ask and you ask all the wrong questions! You don't look deeper! You leave me alone when I don't want you to, you ignore me for your own ideas and concepts and you - you have the gall to come back to me, acting worried and concerned - WHEN YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING OF THE SORT SINCE THE SUMMER BEFORE SCHOOL STARTED!" The tears started streaming down his face then. "You look and you don't see anything, you're blind to what's going on around you - even if it's right under your nose! I tried so hard to reach out but you never noticed! Never noticed anything different about the way I acted. You just ignored me!"
Hiro let out shrill laugh, something so hysterical and high pitched that it kept Tadashi rooted to his spot. "If this is what it takes to get your attention I'll be dead by the end of the year." The boy continued softly, a manic gleam in his shining brown eyes. Tadashi jerked back as if he'd been slapped.
"Hiro... otouto, no -"
Hiro let out another giggle, more hysterical than the last. To Tadashi it sounded more like a sob. "You asked me why I did it, ni-san. Why I chose to do what I did out of all the others…"
Tadashi swallowed thickly.
"It's because I hate myself, that's why!" Hiro howled, his laughter coming out more like sobs than anything else. The bed bounced and suddenly Hiro found himself being pulled into another hug, making him squirm as he was completely lifted off his back.
Tadashi tucked his face into Hiro's shoulder, pulling the boy close to his chest as his shoulders trembled. The younger boy froze in his wiggling as a wetness started to stain his hospital gown. "T-Tadashi - what?"
"I'm so, so sorry." Tadashi whispered, shaking hands carding through Hiro's fluffy hair. "You're right, I haven't paid any attention to what's been going on outside my own little bubble world. I'm so sorry, otouto. I'm so sorry! I'm so selfish…" he sniffed, "I never paused to think that my actions would hurt you. I've failed you, as a brother and as a fellow human being. I'm so sorry… I know words won't make this failure up but I am still so sorry!"
Hiro closed his eyes, shakily breathing in his brother's scent. Tears soaked his eyelashes and streamed down an already tear stained face. Trembling hands hesitantly reached up around Tadashi's shoulders and clung to his jacket. Hiro buried his face into Tadashi's shoulder and sobbed.
"I wanna die, oni-san. I don't wanna be here anymore." the twelve year old wailed. "I wanna die…" Tadashi rocked him gently, ever mindful of the cords that were necessary for his baby brother's vital signs.
He started humming a soft nameless tune and his hand never stopped carding soothingly through Hiro's hair. Even after the younger boy's wails had turned to sobs and the sobs had drifted off into stuffy snores as the medication kicked in again. Despite the dead weight the sixteen year old didn't move from his position on the bed, cradling his brother to his chest.
Tadashi didn't want to let go of his little brother ever again.
Tenderly, the teenager kissed the forehead resting against his neck. "You don't know this yet, baby brother, but I'm never giving up on you." he whispered, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. "I'm not leaving you behind again. I'll be with you every step of the way. I promise."
Tadashi knew that he'd have to say this again and again until it stuck when Hiro was awake, but for now… For now… he'd stay right here.
After all, he'd nearly lost his little brother the other day. He wasn't going anywhere.
AN:Hey guys! Thank you so much for the 400+ reviews! It means the world to me! As if becoming very common, BIG THANK YOU'S GO TO MELANIE-MARCH FOR CATCHING SO MANY OF MY MISTAKES, WITHOUT HER, THIS WOULD BE MUCH MORE CONFUSING!
Also, if you wanna do fan art for this story, GO AHEAD! Just make sure to send me a link so I can squeal and dance in excitement with you all! (TTUTT) You're all so wonderful to me.
Big thanks also go tooo: TridentTatto, Melanie-March, zestychicken2, HuntingStarlight, Escaping The Shadow, CrazyCartoonistOtaku, saveyour950, Epic, PAPERCROW, baileymermaid95, Purpalz Miner, The Golden Marauder, teengens, sherlywherlylock, Turquisea, Kristny10, DreamweaverAki, Guest (#1), Silverstream, regularshow565m Disneynerdbh6, The Real Mystery Writer (yes, it is alright to cry), Phinbellafan2298, seems-pretty-legit, WriterGurl11, JackFrost14, Sushi Hawkeye, Ellamena, Shoyzz, Guest (#2), DreamGirll, Guest (#3), Narniac4aslan (sweetie, I love your entusiasm for this story! Don't freak out about suggesting things! They're wonderfull pieces of feedback for me ^w^), TooLazyToLogin, BlueD, Narniac4Aslan (hullo again! And ooh thats a very good point. *is hit right in the feels*), imnoprincesFYI, Guest (#4) (...?), Marvel Mistress94, Pheonix, PF, Arianandxaia, KanaMac, Guest (#5), RazzlePazzleDooDot (ARE YOU KIDDING ME, OF COURSE I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THEM! NO MATTER THE QUALITY!), Alice, aaand SoraingOnWings (hah? You okay friend?) !
*hands out tissues and cookies, alongside a magical potion that turns into desired drink*