Till I'm Gone
Sora Matasuki
Chapter Nineteen
Hiro idly bounced his leg, glancing up towards the door every so often as he waited. He couldn't wait to leave this place… It had been a long, trying month for the twelve year old. Despite the wound from his suicide attempt being healed, the doctors had kept him at the hospital for limited observation at the request of Aunt Cass (most likely because Tadashi would've never left him alone otherwise).
They apparently thought that he would cut again if he was released too early (They were right.) Sometimes he would catch himself considering it, weighing the pros and cons, the consequences for when (not if, when. He was in the psychiatric ward of the hospital but he wasn't stupid. He knew they'd find out somehow.) he got caught. Those brief moments of dark consideration gave him a rush of something else that was… well… he didn't exactly know the word for it. Those thoughts only occurred in the dark of night, where he could consider them fully after he had been checked on for the night.
Ultimately, despite the dark thoughts swimming in his head, Hiro stayed far, far away from acting upon them. Did anyone know how hard it was to cut the waffles they served in this prison? Did they?! If they had taken away his plastic knives because he had been stupid and gave into those urges, he probably would have murdered someone in a bout of frustration-induced rage. Those waffles were like stone, you had to chip away at it just to get a bite sized piece.
But that was all in the past now, a month in the past, in fact! All that time spent resisting the dark pull had paid off!
The prospect of seeing the sky and feeling a real sea breeze made him almost giddy with an emotion he hadn't felt in a long time. He was excited to remind himself what freedom tasted like. Now if only Aunt Cass would hurry up and sign him out…
The boy flopped down on the hospital bed that had been his for a month and groaned dramatically. How long could one person take to sign some stupid forms?!
Bored to tears and impatience rising up to bubble out of his mouth in muffled yet tellingly frustrated groans, Hiro grabbed his pillow and plonked it over his face. The boy started wiggling, his momentum causing him to roll back and forth as the levels of his boredom rose to ever higher heights.
"Hiro? Aunt Cass is done with the… papers?" Hiro froze, one foot in the air as Tadashi's familiar voice trailed into the realm of mass confusion. The twelve year old just knew Tadashi had a weird look on his face, he could tell by how his older brother had slowed down his words.
"Hi 'Dashi…" he mumbled into the pillow, slowly putting his foot down and refusing to look at his older brother, lest he burst out laughing.
"So… ready to get out of here?" Tadashi asked, and the awkwardness in his tone actually made giggles rise all the way to Hiro's throat. He managed to swallow them before they could escape and spawn more of their kind. That would make it really hard for him to breathe.
Knowing that if he opened his mouth right then, he would start laughing and never stop, Hiro just let out an agreeing mumble that was muffled by the pillow in answer to the question. The sound of his older brother's shoes scuffling against the floor reached the boy's ears but he paid little mind to the noise. That was until he found the pillow being unceremoniously jerked away from his face. His startled brown eyes met the amused gaze of his older brother.
"And I thought you would be jumping at the bit to get out of here." Tadashi mused, fluffing the pillow absentmindedly as Hiro swung himself back up into a sitting position.
"Yeah, yeah…" the boy giggled, before slapping his hands over his mouth, brown eyes wide. Tadashi raised an eyebrow, the humor in his eyes causing them to glint strangely. The older Hamada set the pillow down on the bed and curled his hands into claws. Hiro's eyes widened even further and he dashed off the bed with a squeak as Tadashi lunged.
"Nooo! Tadashi!" the boy howled, laughter light and free as his older brother raced after him, growling in an imitation of a tickle monster.
"RAWR!" Tadashi laughed, "I'm gonna get you, Hiro!" In accordance with his declaration, the elder Hamada dove for his younger brother and managed to scoop him up in his arms.
"Nii-san!" Hiro protested, squealing as Tadashi's fingers found one of the sensitive spots on his side. "N-No! I'm ticklish there!"
"That's the point knucklehead." Tadashi teased, poking that spot again and enjoying the childish glee at hearing his little brother squeal with laughter. Hiro squirmed in his hold, giggles spilling out without his permission as he fought his older brother's onslaught.
"M-Meanie!" the boy wailed with a hiccuping laugh as he wriggled. "You're so me-mean, Nii-san!"
Tadashi grinned down at his little brother, fingers working their magic to draw out those beautiful bells of laughter from his little chest. "No I'm not." he protested as his fingers made Hiro squeal and giggle until he couldn't breathe.
"Y-yes you are!" Hiro gasped. "Tadashi - s-stop!" he pleaded as another peal of laughter escaped his mouth.
Tadashi's eyes narrowed. "What's the magic word?" he drawled lazily, fingers poking all of the sensitive spots on his ribs. The teenager made sure to hold on tight as his little brother tried to squirm away from his tormentor with another giggling squeal.
"P-please?" Hiro said breathlessly, his giggles turning the answer into a question.
Tadashi pondered for a moment, and then nodded. He poked Hiro's side one last time before he released his little brother. Hiro crumpled to the floor in a mess of limbs as giggles and gasps shook his tiny frame.
Once his breath had been recovered and he had calmed down, Hiro got up and frowned up at his older brother in what was more like a pout than a frown. "Very funny, Nii-san."
Tadashi grinned down at his little brother and ruffled his fluffy hair. "I thought so, too." he agreed, ignoring the sarcasm that laced Hiro's tone. "C'mon, Aunt Cass is waiting down in the lobby."
And it was then that Hiro remembered the reason that he had been so bored waiting in the first place. "Oh yeah!" he gasped, looking at the open door with growing excitement. "I have FREEDOM AGAIN!" the boy cheered, before glancing up at Tadashi with a gleam all his own. A small smirk found itself on the youth's lips.
Tadashi only had seconds to catch on before Hiro shot forwards with a laughing cry of "Race you, Nii-san!"
"Hiro! We shouldn't race in a hospital!" Tadashi spluttered, but it was too late. Hiro was already out the door. With little choice, the elder Hamada was forced to tear out of the room and catch up with his little speed demon of a brother, who was already five doors down the hall.
"HIRO! STOP!"
"CAN'T CATCH ME, NII-SAN!" came the resulting cackle as the boy turned abruptly around a corner.
Tadashi growled but increased his pace and speed accordingly as his brotherly pride was stomped on by the sass of his little brother. "Oh I'll give you a race, you little…" the sixteen year old grumbled as he pushed himself off the wall to help change directions.
Oh yes… the little brat was going to get what was coming to him…
Days passed, and Hiro found himself wanting to scream in frustration. He hadn't known it, but he ended up trading one prison for another (slightly more comfortable) one when he returned home. Tadashi and Aunt Cass probably didn't think that they made it so, but their over protectiveness drove Hiro up the wall and made him want to tear his hair out.
So many times had he gone down to grab something only to be shooed back up! It was enough to make an adult crazy, let alone a twelve year old struggling to find himself. Hiro was left feeling restless and very, very annoyed.
Such was his situation now. An overbearing Tadashi was incoming at his two o'clock, an overly cheerful grin plastered on his face.
"Hiro~!" The older teen practically cooed and Hiro turned sharply on his heel, mind screaming, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE. NO THANK YOU, GO CUDDLE SOMEONE ELSE, YOU BIG NERD! He was nearly at the foot of the stairs when large, warm arms encircled his waist.
"Tadashi, get off!" Hiro yelped, feet kicking in mid air as he found himself squished in a huge bear hug. "Let me go!"
Tadashi nuzzled his little brother, cheek rubbing against his fluffy hair. "But I've missed you!" He said. Hiro let out a hiss, hands practically claws as he tried to pry his brother's arms off of his person.
"Get. Off. Tadashi." Hiro growled, his nails digging into Tadashi's skin. Tadashi remained steadfast.
"Nope~." Tadashi cooed, hugging Hiro tighter to his chest. "I haven't seen you all day, it's been forever..."
"It's only been six hours, Tadashi. Not 'forever'." Hiro protested, wriggling and curling up so Tadashi had to carry all of his weight.
Unfortunately, Tadashi was the kind of brother who could hold him at a moment's notice, and so that tactic only allowed the elder Hamada to sling him around to plop both of them on the family couch. Tadashi loosened his grip slightly to grab the TV remote and Hiro took the opportunity to make a break for it.
Tadashi's ninja reflexes - refined by years and years of karate practice- allowed him to snap out and grab Hiro's wrist. The resulting tug sent him sprawling back onto Tadashi's lap.
"Tadashi. Let. Me. Go." Hiro hissed, glaring at everything.
Tadashi let out a noncommittal hum and merely turned on the TV. This left Hiro hissing his displeasure as he made another vain attempt at squirming away from his brother's iron grip.
The boy flopped against his captor in relative defeat. "Tadashi, why are you making me watch your stupid nerd shows?"
"Because you'll just go upstairs by yourself and sulk." came the distracted reply. Hiro bristled.
"I do not, 'sulk'! I ponder. Deeply."
"And that's sulking." Tadashi poked his little brother's cheek, making him scowl and bat the offending appendage away.
"Is not." Hiro knew he was pouting.
"Is too." Tadashi flipped through the channels, trying to figure out what to watch.
"Is not!"
"Hiro when you sit in a corner and glare at everything, that's sulking. You sulk. A lot. So I'm distracting you from your sulkiness."
Hiro growled but said nothing, arms folded across his chest. Tadashi snorted, poking him in the side. The growl transitioned into a high pitched squeak as the boy jerked away from the offender.
"Tadashi!"
Tadashi played clueless. "What?"
"You poked me!" Hiro scowled.
"No I didn't." Tadashi laughed. "What are you talking about, Hiro?"
"You. Poked. Me." Hiro jabbed Tadashi's arm with a finger for emphasis.
"So what if I did, whatcha gonna do about it?" the elder Hamada teased goodnaturedly. His humor quickly faded as Hiro flinched, mind flashing to a similar sentence in a far harsher context.
Tadashi let go of his little brother and watched with worried eyes as Hiro scrambled off to the far end of the couch. The boy curled up into a ball, shivering from memories and a chill that had no place in the warmth of their home.
Tadashi slowly got up and knelt by his little brother. "Hey…" the sixteen year old swallowed drily. "Hiro… You aren't there anymore."
"Shut up! Leave me alone!" Hiro lashed out, voice thick. "Leave me alone…"
"Not happening, bonehead." Tadashi refrained from touching his little brother and settled down on his knees for the long haul. "I'm staying right here. You're safe now. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you like that again."
Hiro curled in tighter on himself. A part of him heard Tadashi speaking, but the other half of him was still yelling in fear and desperation, focused only on the rush of no, no, no, no! Don't do this PLEASE! I can't breathe… I can't breath! I'm going to drown… Someone, HELP ME!
"Hiro. You're at home. You're safe. "
Hiro's breath hitched as tears streamed down his face. "T-Tada…" he sobbed and Tadashi scooped his little brother up loosely in his arms.
"Shhh… you're safe now, Hiro. They won't hurt you again. I promise." Tadashi soothed as trembling hands latched onto his shirt.
"B-but they did and… and I can't forget it!" Hiro whispered. "I want to forget! I want to forget it all and never be bothered by it again!"
Tadashi let out a hum as he carded his fingers through Hiro's hair. "If you forgot, then what could you learn from it?"
Hiro pushed himself out of Tadashi's grasp and the older teen let him go even as his heart ached at the motion.
"'Learn from it'? What can I 'learn' from being forced onto my knees and having my head dunked in a dirty toilet?" the boy asked his elder with a dark grimace on his face. "What can I learn by being shoved into lockers and having to pick my way out?! Tell me Tadashi! What can I learn from all of that!?"
Tadashi shut his eyes and attempted to swallow the lump that resurfaced whenever Hiro mentioned what had happened to him. "That's something you have to figure out yourself. It's your journey and the way you handle your experiences defines who you are."
Hiro let out an aggravated hiss and stood up. "That's a load of crap, Tadashi." he said bitterly. "Stop trying to be wise when you're not."
Tadashi winced but conceded the point. "I…" the teen paused, biting his lip. His expression lowered. "I don't have all the answers, Hiro… I don't know why…" he had to swallow again as the lump grew. "I don't know. I don't know alot of things, especially why people do the horrible things they do. I just know that we try to reason and try to make things seem like they hurt less, when in reality… When in reality, they really just hurt more when you try to explain them away."
Hiro scowled, cheeks still wet from the previous tears. "Why does life have to hurt so much?" he asked sullenly, sitting down on the floor by Tadashi.
Tadashi settled for a shrug and found that Hiro's tense shoulders had relaxed when no words came. His heart sunk, but at the same time rose up to greater heights. The conflicting sensations left the sixteen year old rather confused. He wanted to help Hiro… and yet his words weren't welcome. But maybe his silence could help where his words obviously didn't?
The silence between the two brothers grew long and Tadashi broke it before it transformed into something awkward. "Hiro… I just want to let you know that if you want to talk, you can talk to me. If you want, I won't even say anything."
Hiro let out a quiet hum and leaned into Tadashi's warmth. "I… I'll think about it." he whispered, looking anywhere but Tadashi. "...Thanks."
Tadashi nodded but didn't say anything else. He'd try this silence thing for a while.
AN: *falls out from the sky* hey guys! I'm back! Man… It's been an interesting holiday season this year! Full of self realizations that kinda shake your muses up a bit, family visits, family friends coming over, presents, food, friends and arguments with the cast of characters… yeah…. It's been interesting so far. Can't believe the year is practically over!
Also! You guys really, really need to check out Melanie-March's A Cage of Fire, it's gonna tell you really important stuff that I can't (because this is gen and I'm keeping it gen gosh dang it!).
Me and Melanie have also decided to go on a bi-weekly update schedule on Wednesdays at 6:00PM our time (due to school and other evening engagements). We will be alternating who updates on Wednesdays so we can pump out better and more thought out chapters. It also allows us to make sure we haven't missed anything in our editing sweeps. (This chapter is the last of what Mel termed "erratic updates" lol.)
Big thanks as always go to Melanie-March (she seriously has saved my butt so many times it's not even funny)! Big thanks also go too: TheKreibae, Alexisdeadddx, Epically-ME, The Golden Marauder, Julie, RazzlePazzleDooDot, Schreeching Harmony, sherlywherlylock, Kyubei, DreamGirll, Melanie-March (pats head with a grin), DisneyandWildKrattfangirl (if you really, really want to know check out A Cage of Fire like I've said XD), DreamweaerAki, Madness Shared, Emilykit14 (As soon as a safe thing is posted I'll let you know, sweetheart.), Guest, BlueD, regularshow565, E, Esax12x, h, Cori, Atariel Tsukai, PH, Narniac4aslan, Phinbellafan2298, Cyragece, Aiko Wind, AwaitTheRise, Guest, aaaand KodiakWolfe13!
*sends out cookies and drinks* Happy New Year everyone!