"Wait, he was polyamorous? And he just assumed you would be okay with it?"
Cress nodded.
"Wow," said Radha. "He could've given you a warning."
Cress balked. "A warning!? What he's doing is disgusting!"
Radha took a sip of her soda, adding a slice of mushroom and red pepper pizza to her plate. "Polyamory isn't unheard of, you know. It's just not common, or even for everyone." She grinned sympathetically. "He should have cleared it with you first, if he was actually doing it right."
"He wasn't," Cress agreed, slightly miffed that her friend wasn't completely on her side.
Radha sighed. "That was an asshole move. You deserve better."
Cress looked at the netscreen hanging on the wall. It took up the entirety of the space allotted to it inside of the built-in entertainment center. The thing had to be about 100 inches. They were watching some stupid drama and had gotten onto the subject of exes. "I do."
"Anyway, I've got two exes!" Radha took a bite of pizza and chased it with soda. "I dated a guy named Alejandro when I was 12. I'm not sure if relationships count at that age, but still. He was cool, but not my type, if you know what I mean." Cress did know what she meant. "And I broke up with my other ex just last year. She was so pretty, but just on the outside. Good stars, Cress, I don't know what I saw in her. Like, she told me once that she agreed with some of Levana's politics? Who even does that? Like, what Earthen in their right mind thinks that way?"
Cress laughed. "Clearly not someone anyone should be dating."
"Clearly." Radha laughed too, but it faded into a soft sigh. "I think we both deserve better."
"Yeah."
They remained facing each other, but withheld eye contact, the both of them outright avoiding it.
Her voice came quiet, gentle. A secret not yet ready to be shared. "I like you, Cress."
Her chest was not a welcome place to be. It was loud and intense and scary, her heart feeling as though it wanted to pound through her sternum. "I like you too." Her voice was too shrill, too dishonest in its excitement. She was not there, she was not saying those lines. It was a net drama, affecting a fictional life as opposed to her real one.
"No, I like you. Like, romantically."
Cress's heart found a new home, embedded just beneath her diaphragm. She used to think that blushing would feel like a subtle warmth, but she realized then that it burned, alongside the searing nervousness taking place where her heart used to be. "So-so did I."
Radha dropped her head, her bottom lip held like a captive between her teeth, her hands twisted together. "Wow," was the only sound that passed between them.
She looked at Cress then, her golden eyes alight. "Can I-can I kiss you?"
Cress nodded, so slowly she was afraid Radha would think she was too hesitant.
She probably didn't think that at all.
And Cress didn't know if she had any prior experience with kissing, and her lips were clumsy and unsure, and it ruined the illusion of a drama. In shows and movies, the actors and actresses always knew their way around the lips of another. She was relatively certain that Radha didn't mind, but she was a mess of anxiety anyway.
The lasted barely two seconds, and it was wonderful and terrifying at the same time.
"Does this mean we're together?"
Cress smiled, felt her face burning again. "Would you like to be?"
"Well, obviously." She heard a hint of nerves in Radha's breathy giggle, and it made her feel a bit better.
"Then I suppose that we are."
The two girls stayed up late talking, Cress about the lava tubes and what it was like on the satellite, Radha about her childhood and the interest she always held in the science of the medical field and how her parents gladly facilitated this interest.
In the end, it was 0400 by the time they both called it a night.
Her surroundings were loud, and threatening, but she couldn't pinpoint where she was.
There was a comforting presence behind her, but she knew her death was quickly approaching, and she could not be protected. She wondered how it would happen. Would it be quick, or would Levana make it long and torturous? Considering she was a shell, she figured that she would likely be made an example of in the streets of Artemesia, and she would never see Levana before the deed was carried out.
Stars above, she didn't want to go through this. Wherever she was, it was the last place she ever wanted to be.
"I guess it's time," came a voice, just behind her. It belonged to whomever that comforting presence was, with their hands steady on her shoulders.
Then, she was dizzy, turned all the way around and dipped over a stabilizing arm, one of her fists grasping a cotton shirt and the other a shoulder as to maintain her balance.
And someone, she was sure it was a man, felt she knew it was Thorne, someone was kissing her. And for all of Luna, she wanted it. And she knew that she had wanted it for a long time. One hand was firmly on her back, holding her up, and the other cradling her face. And it did not last long enough, not even the slow coaxing of his lips promising that they would meet hers again, but it dissipated the fear for just a moment. The danger of death surrounded them, but the kiss lasted just long enough for her to forget about that. Just long enough to renew a bit of her bravery. Just long enough to solidify to whom her heart belonged.
When Cress awoke, slowly pulling her eyes open and allowing them to adjust to the unfamiliar setting, she noticed that Radha's arm was tossed lazily and innocently over her waist. She needed water and to brush her teeth, but she couldn't bear to wake the girl next to her.
Stars, she was dating a girl–one she'd known for just a week–and it was wonderful. It was so strange and so beautiful to feel what she felt, though she wasn't quite sure to any extent what thatfeeling was.
Of course, she was still conflicted, because when wasn't she? Her mind battled with her. This was all projection, some part of her told herself, she was only feeling for Radha what she felt for someone else–Thorne, she assumed. That's what her subconscious had deduced thus far.
But she fought back with herself. She would never hurt anyone like that, especially not Radha. Cress would never hurt her like that. Could never.
She argued back with herself. She did like Radha, because she was her and no one else.
She felt the bed move as her girlfriend–she smiled at the word–shifted, and she was suddenly free. Cress slid out of it slowly, quietly as not to wake Radha. They'd shared Radha's queen sized bed, big enough to fit another person between them comfortably, and two other people uncomfortably. Originally, though they were clearly into each other and were both very aware, they started on opposite sides of the bed, only to slowly migrate towards each other as they slept. Were they too young to share a bed as more than friends? She knew it was acceptable for friends, but they no longer fit under that label.
It made her feel giddy inside, and what a familiar sensation that seemed to be.
Her brain seemed a little clouded, her body just a bit out of her control. She pulled herself out of bed and it was like those days when you're sick and can't seem to shake it, you're awake but you're on autopilot.
She rubbed her eyes until she saw stars, and jumped a bit when she felt a brush of fingertips on the back of her shirt. "Good morning. You okay?"
She turned her head, but not enough to face Radha full on. "Yeah. Just a little under the weather, I think."
"Oh no," said Radha, sitting up now. Cress could see her brushing away the sleep in her eyes from the corner of her vision. "Do you want some tea?"
"That might help. I'm gonna go brush my teeth first."
"Okay. I'll put the order in with the android. I'll get us some breakfast, too. Any preferences?"
"Surprise me."
"Meet you in the kitchen."
In the bathroom, Cress splashed cold water on her face. She felt weird, and her head was pounding.
She needed to go home, but she couldn't just leave. Radha had just ordered breakfast, and she didn't have to be home for at least a few more hours, if mostly to rest a bit more before she started her first full week of work out of training.
She was pretty good at her job, but everyone else had expected that already, given her history.
Cress hadn't had half as much hope, but enough people believed in her to make up for it.
She left the bathroom, the cold water waking her up a bit, but not helping in any other sense of the word. Radha was in the kitchen, tapping something out on her port and sitting at the table with a glass of water in front of her, another across the table, coupled with a cup of tea.
Cress took that seat and gulped down some of the water before moving to sip on the tea. It was still too hot to drink, but its warmth was nice on her hands. She could taste lemon in it, and a hint of honey.
Radha put her port down and slid it to the side of the table. "Are you feeling any better?"
"Not really," Cress replied, dejected.
"Well, I ordered breakfast, but you can leave afterwards if you need. I know you have work tomorrow."
Radha reached a hand across the table, offering it to her to hold.
Cress slid her fingers into the waiting palm. "I think I might. I feel bad, but I'm so exhausted."
"You should take care of yourself. I'll still be here when you feel better." When Cress looked up, she was met with a warm smile. "I understand. I'd go home, too."
"Are you sure?"
"Don't suffer on my account, Cress."
Cress gave her hand a weak squeeze, and pulled hers back when she heard the tell-tale sounds of an approaching android.
"Your breakfast, Miss Radha," said the tinny voice of the android, a shiny Serv11.6. The newest model, the most humanlike of all of the Serv droids, but still very much a squat thing on treads.
Cress always found them somewhat endearing.
"Thank you, Adelaide, you are dismissed."
Breakfast was amazing, and Cress briefly wished that she had the kind of univs required to have this every day. Then, she wondered if she might. It was ideal, and everything had clearly finished cooking just as it was brought out to them. Stars above, she was in heaven with every bite.
"How was it?" asked Radha as Cress stuffed the last morsel of chocolate chip muffin into her mouth.
She grinned, wiping the remainder of chocolate from the corner of her lip. "Delightful."
Radha beamed. "I knew you'd like it. I always feel like hash browns should be eaten alongside muffins. Or with anything sweet, really. Some disagree, but it's not my fault that they're wrong."
"I think next time, bacon would go great with the both of them."
"If you'd like, I'll order it for you next time."
Cress sighed. "Truly, you are the best."
"Right?"
Her head still pounded, though. If eating hadn't helped, then neither would sticking around. She would have to leave, and that kind of… sucked.
She dragged a hand down her face.
"You should go," said Radha. "More rest is probably what you need."
"Definitely." She stood slowly, trying to think of where all of her things were. "My bag is in your room, right? And my… my port charger is in the living room."
"Yes, they were, but I asked Adelaide to gather your things during our meal."
Cress's shoulders slumped, relief consuming her. "Have I mentioned that you're the best?"
"Maybe once or twice."
As soon as she boarded her hover to head back to her apartment complex, Cress dozed off.
Not that the trip was long enough to warrant her passing out, but fifteen minutes might as well have been eternity.
"Blackjack!" Cress cheered. At Thorne's scowl, she continued, "The dealer has a Queen."
Thorne's scowl deepened. "Aces. What've I got?"
"Aces," said Cress. She grinned to herself at the coincidence. Thorne was too deep in some sort of concentration to have noticed.
"Split 'em."
She pulled them apart and drew a card for the first one. "Three," she said.
Thorne cursed. "And the other?"
She laid a card on top of the other ace. "Six."
"What's the dealer have?"
Cress flipped over the other card. "Ten."
With a groan, Thorne rooted around for his cards on the table and then shoved them at her. "Reshuffle and redeal."
"This is the tenth time."
"I can feel my luck kicking in. Let's do it."
"You said that after the second round."
He leveled a gaze in her general direction. She didn't have the heart to tell him that he was about seven inches off. "I said, Let's do it."
With a heavy sigh, she dealt out the cards. "Okay, dealer has an Ace. Buy insurance?"
"No, no, no, no, Cress. You never buy insurance. Don't turn the card over, but make sure it's not a ten or a face. If it's neither, then you say 'No blackjack'."
She did as he said. "No blackjack," she told him.
"Alright, what have I got?"
She smiled. "Well, you've got a blackjack, Mr. Thorne."
He practically beamed, and it set her heart aflutter. "See, Cress? I told you my luck was kicking in."
She rolled her eyes, and she felt her face burn with a blush. Stars, she wasn't ready for him to get his eyesight back.
Was that selfish? That was probably selfish.
They both chuckled as if he'd made a joke, and he cleared his throat and tilted his head down, as if he couldn't so much as even face her. "I guess you were right." She paused for the anticipation of it. "For once."
"I'll have you know that I'm always right."
"Not even in your dreams, Thorne," said Cinder as she marched by. "You two, meeting in the usual spot. Two minutes."
Cress jumped up, and looked at Thorne to see his hand jutting up at her. She took hold of it and pulled him to standing. "You good?"
"Yup. Will you lead me?" he asked, punctuating his question with a squeeze of her hand.
Her chest ached for him. If she was going to be selfish anyway, then she felt almost justified in wishing that he would never get his sight back, simply so that he would always have an excuse to hold her hand. "Of course!"
The automatic notification was what woke her. "Arrived."
Cress jolted up from the seat, only to be pushed back down with the pressure of the harness. She rubbed her shoulder where the strap had dug in.
Her head pounded. It felt like there was a hammer inside of her skull, pounding against the area just above her right ear. She groaned and tried to massage it, but that only made it worse.
Unbuckling her harness and pushing open the door, she shielded her eyes from the glaring sun and stepped out of her hover. The light was making her feel nauseous.
And as she walked to her apartment, she was hit with a painful realization, one that almost mirrored the migraine she'd developed in both its intensity and sudden onset.
She was starting to realize that her dreams weren't just that.
She had loved Thorne.
And the feeling wasn't completely gone.
Author's Note: *groans incoherently*
Re: A review I received on the last chapter: There is some gay in this chapter. There will be some (but not enough, never enough) in future chapters. Nothing about it is inappropriate. They are mutually exclusive things, and I'm [not] sorry that I refuse to make everyone straight just bc Marissa did.