Till I'm Gone
Sora Matasuki
Chapter Twenty One
It was sunday evening and Tadashi was already bustling around in the kitchen, having waved off Aunt Cass' attempts to help him in his self-appointed task. The sixteen year old had to do this by himself, it wouldn't mean anything if he had some sort of assistance. At least, that's what he thought. Aunt Cass had rolled her eyes at her eldest with a fond smile and had left the matter alone.
Tadashi stared at the rice cooker as it steamed, foot tapping restlessly against the floor as he waited. A faded memory, warm and gentle, filled his mind. Years ago, his mom had stood in this exact stance, a smile on her face, patiently teaching him the ways of his intertwined culture.
"Ne, ne, Okaa-san!"
"Don't forget to practice your English too, Tadashi."
Tadashi pouted, having to think his bubbling questions through. "Okaa-san, what are you doing?"
"I'm making a bento, do you want to help?"
"...ben...to? Nani- ano… I mean, what… what is it?"
Tadashi giggled as his mom bent down and gently poked his nose, leaving a bit of sticky rice on his skin. "It's a boxed lunch." she said with a smile. "Your Otou-san loves his bentos."
Tadashi bounced on his feet, excitement growing in his chest. "Let's make Otou-san happy! I wanna help, I wanna help! If we make Otou-san a bento, will he come home sooner? I wanna show him how much Hiro's improving! He's really smart. Especially for a baby."
"...yes… Let's make Otou-san happy, ne?" Tadashi didn't notice it, but his mother's brown eyes glistened with unshed tears.
Tadashi cheered as she lifted him onto the counter.
"First, we need to shape the rice into Onigiri. Can you do that for me, Tadashi?"
"Unm!" Tadashi nodded seriously, bouncing in place in his excitement.
Tadashi shook his head, the smile still on his face.
"First… the Onigiri." he murmured to himself, leaning forward to glance fondly at the bento box wrapping just waiting to be used.
Hiro was gonna love what he was cooking up. He was sure of it.
Monday morning started bright and early for Hiro as he crept down the stairs, stomach growling. The boy paused as his eyes caught sight of a box wrapped in a vibrant blue-purple cloth. Was that… a bento? He hadn't seen one of those since he was like… five!
Curiosity overcoming well deserved caution of clingy, tickle obsessed older brothers, Hiro crept quietly down the remaining stairs and into the kitchen, peering at the card attached to the bento.
Hey, Hiro!
Yes, I know it's old fashioned, but I made you a bento! You can eat it now, or at school, if you're feeling up to it. Your choice. I'm not going to pressure you to go back, but just know that the option is out there.
- love, Tadashi.
Hiro stared at the card, and his breath caught in his throat at the mere thought of going back to that place.
No, no, no, no, NO! He didn't want Tadashi's bento! He didn't!
But... the smells drifting from the blue-purple cloth were kinda yummy smelling… NO! He wasn't gonna fall into that trap. He could read in between the lines! If he took the bento, it'd be an acknowledgement that he wanted to try high school again! And he didn't. He really didn't.
So Tadashi could eat the bento for all Hiro cared. He wasn't going to eat any of it, even if it did smell delicious.
Hiro turned around and headed up the stairs again, completely forgetting the reason for why he was trying to sneak down in the first place.
The days passed in the same routine. Tadashi would stay up late and carefully craft a unique bento for his little brother. No one bento was the same, but one thing about them remained constant. They were always untouched.
The wrapping was never undone, the food was never out of place, and worst of all… the bento was never moved from the place Tadashi put it the night before. Every morning, Tadashi would glance hopefully at the stairs and then deflate when he realized that his little brother wasn't going to come down, not even for breakfast.
Tadashi always set a plate for his little brother, but would always have to leave before his brother came down. The sixteen year old was sure Hiro was avoiding him, and it made his wounded heart hurt even more.
That empty plate and that empty chair offered a stark reminder to what could have been. What seemed to be happening as Hiro steadily ignored his older brother's attempts to reach out and connect. It was like they were a family of two - just Tadashi and Aunt Cass - and there was a Hiro shaped hole in Tadashi's heart, despite his little brother's status as still breathing.
It felt like Hiro was fading from his life. And Tadashi didn't want that, but for the life of him, he couldn't figure out how to fix it. Any attempt at physical affection was rebuffed with a waspish retort and the slap of small hands batting him away as if he were some sort of annoying bug. Hiro had even stopped listening to him right after the bentos had started.
Was this all his fault? Had Tadashi pushed his little brother away, somehow? Had he been too clingy? Had he done something wrong? Tadashi didn't know, and it was slowly breaking him from the inside.
But he kept making bentos, and had even started baking some of the Lucky Cat Cafe's desserts upon Aunt Cass' request. The scientific measuring of certain ingredients and for how long they took to cook was a balm on the teen's soul. He was able to distract himself from the troubling distance within his relationship with Hiro with the creation of his delicious confections. This way, at least someone would enjoy his hard work. Someone could be happy with his efforts.
Not that many people were these days… at least, not the people that counted in the long run.
The roar of the crowd echoed in Hiro's ears and got his blood racing. His pulse was going wild at the noise of people either cheering their mass gain or bemoaning their loss of money. So this was a bot fight. It was even more awesome than he had imagined!
The twelve year old watched in fascinated awe as the reigning champion of the Malukai Territory tore into its challenger. The clash of the two titans sent bits of metal flying into the crowd, which roared in bloodthirsty adoration at the carnage. The challenger stared in horror at the smoking remains and then looked back up at the reigning champion's bot.
"Better luck next time." the champion grinned, tossing long, obviously dyed blonde hair over her shoulder with a cocky smirk on her face. "If you still have the guts to challenge me, that is."
"AINE THE AGGRAVATOR WINS AGAIN!" the woman known only as the Ringleader screamed, whirling her violet blue parasol around as she went about collecting money from those who bet in the crowd.
"Whoah…" Hiro whispered, staring wide eyed as 'Aine the Aggravator' laughed at something the Ringleader said before steel grey met brown and Hiro had to look away, a blush staining his cheeks.
A few more rounds of bot fighting ensued, and Hiro couldn't tear his eyes away. He found himself just as entertained as the screaming crowd, if not more so. Now this, this was something to behold… he wanted to be out there. He wanted to be challenged. He wanted-
Another bot being torn apart got him screaming his praises for the victor before he realized what he was doing. His heart pounded in his throat as he practically vibrated in place from all of the energy rushing through and around him.
His hands itched to hold a controller, to have a robot fight as smoothly as The Aggravator's lithe titan did. He wanted to take it apart and see what made it run, what made it so mobile. He wanted to know, he wanted to see and feel the circuitry run underneath his fingers.
Hiro hadn't felt this alive since… well… he certainly hadn't felt it on the first day of school, that's wasa fact. That meant it had been, what… nine, maybe ten months? Almost a year?
The boy shook his head as another roar filled the ring, and a surge of disappointment shot through him as he realized that he had missed out on another fight. His eyes scanned the wreckage. Wait… where was The Aggravator's bot? And the champion herself? Had she left already?
"Hey, kid."
Hiro nearly jumped out of his skin, barely managing to bite back a shriek as a woman's cool voice reached his ears.
He panicked. "I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm just watching!" he flailed, desperately hoping that the lady he was talking to wouldn't boot him out on sight like that scary lady with the eyepatch and the red parasoul from across town had. He hesitantly looked up as the unknown woman let out a laugh and ruffled his hair, making him squirm.
Steel grey met his own brown and he froze. It was Aine the Aggravator. The lady who's bot tore apart the opponent without a second's worth of hesitation. The lady who's bot would first play coy and defenseless then on the turn of a dime, exploit a flaw or lowering of the opponent's guard to systematically dismantle the bot. Permanently and with no chance of repair.
"Y-You're... Aine th-the…" he trailed off and just stared wide eyed up at the older woman, who grinned widely at his obvious awe.
"What's a kid like you doing in a place like this?" she drawled with a smirk, grey eyes flashing with undisguised curiosity.
Hiro shuffled slightly in embarrassment, wishing he had something to give him courage. he took a breath. "Well…" Hais eyes turned back to the still dueling bots and felt a grin slide up on his mouth as another rush of excitement made him breathless.
"It's exhilarating, isn't it." Aine said with a laugh.
Hiro nodded. "I want to do that…" he breathed quietly, starling when a hand settled on his shoulder. Wide expressive brown eyes met suddenly serious steel grey.
"Do you really want to, kid? This is a serious business with serious people. You could land in a load of serious trouble one day, are you sure you wouldn't be better off in one of the legal upground tournaments?"
Hiro scowled up at the woman. "But then you're constrained to making it fair! Where's the creative fun in that?!"
And then Aine was grinning, a sharp proud thing that could cut through metal like butter. "You know what? I like you, kid. Come back with a bot and I'll see what you can do. I'll even go easy on you." she said with a grin and pushed his head down slightly as she ruffled his hair.
Hiro's still present scowl deepened. "I don't want you to go easy on me!" he snapped, smacking her hand away. "Don't treat me like I'm some clueless kid!"
Aine the Aggravator took a step back to look at the twelve year old fully, a critical glint in her steel eyes. Her eyebrow raised in challenge. "Oh? You do know that I'm the reigning Bot Queen here in the Malukai Pit, right, little boy?" she purred, "Your bot will be dead in seconds."
Hiro's fists clenched. His teeth ground together and he found himself trembling with the force of his indignation. "You'll see!" he declared, glaring up at her defiantly. "You'll see! I'll make the best bot you've ever seen!"
Loud raucous laughter engulfed the two, interrupting their show down, as the surrounding crowd of bot fighters and betters heard his declaration.
"Go home little boy! This place isn't suited for brats like you."
Hiro flinched back at the words so similar to the words of his tormentors, then felt his resolve harden. The boy gritted his teeth so hard that his jaw ached, he fisted his hands so tightly that his knuckles turned white and his fingernails dug crescent moons into the flesh of his palms. The small twelve year old held his head high in the face of the taunting jeers and mocking scorns and was genuinely terrified.
He stood there, shaking as the drunken laughter and mocking words rushed over and through his ears. And yet, he did not run. He couldn't. Not when he had made a promise to himself that he wouldn't. He had to do this, for himself. He needed to move on from what words were said to him, he couldn't take them personally anymore!
These people didn't know him, they didn't care. So why should he care what they think?! Who cared if they told him to go home, he'd just show up again a few days later! He wasn't just some kid who would be cowed into running with his tail between his legs! (Because if he ran, that meant he wasn't strong enough to face his fears.)
Hiro lifted his chin just a little bit higher, eyes flashing defiance. "I'm not going to leave just because you think I'm some snot nosed brat! Call me names all you want, but that doesn't mean I won't beat you when I face you all in a match!"
Derisive laughter echoed in the wake of his declaration and one of the nearby bot fighters sneered. "You're just an arrogant brat! Like you would ever manage to win against us."
Agreeing jeers filled the air and Hiro twitched under Aine's calculating gaze, a dark scowl on his face. "You'll see, I'll wipe that smirk right off your ugly mug!" he snapped without thinking. A dark shadow blocked out the dim light of the alleyway light as the bot fighter loomed over the twelve year old, all muscle and brute force.
The man was so close that Hiro had a very nice, clear view on how his face bulged. His thick meaty hands clenched tightly around a bot that had yet to face any opponent for the night, and the boy feared the bigger male would use it as a club and brain him on the head. One single line ran through his mind as the man forwent the bot and simply lunged, hands curled as if he were going to strangle the breath out of his small neck.
Oh s-
Hiro flinched back, eyes screwed shut. Self-imposed darkness surrounded him, but the expected pain never came. Cautiously, the twelve year old opened one eye, then the other, blinking in startled shock at the sight before him.
Aine lowered her leg and snorted disdainfully as she flipped a few irritating strands of her hair over her shoulder with a dismissive air. The bot fighter crumpled to the ground, whimpering around bloody hands. Hiro recognized the signs of a broken nose when he saw one.
"You all know the rules, you pile of rotten lugs! If a challenger appears, you listen! You don't mock them - that will only get you ganked or robbed blind! Yama's little newbies love playing here and he doesn't take nice to his men being snubbed!" the queen of the ring yelled, glaring at the surround bot fighters who had grown as still as death.
Hiro barely dared to breathe, the killing intent held in her glare made him feel terrified and yet very, very safe all at the same time. This was a seasoned warrior that you wanted on your side, and not the other team.
"When a challenger arises, let us see what they can do." the woman said softly, and the silence hung in the air. Hiro's eyes darted to and fro amongst the nearby bot fighter's faces, trying to gauge their reactions.
"This is our territory, and we run it differently here!" she called and suddenly the noise was restored as the crowd roared in a frenzy.
Aine turned back to Hiro and the boy felt like he could do anything, take on anyone, just because of the energy The Aggravator's words brought.
"Don't be so foolish as to provoke your opponents again, kid." she murmured into his ear as she passed, hand brushing against his hoodie pocket. "I won't always be there to protect you from your running mouth."
Hiro stared up at her, swallowing hard. "Th-that's okay, you didn't need to step in, I had it handled."
Aine hummed, raising a disbelieving eyebrow before she slapped him on the back. Hard. "I'll see you around, kid. Don't get lost on your way home." And then she was gone, swallowed up by the crowd.
Hiro reached down and slipped his hand into his pocket. The boy turned back to the ring as another fight went underway, mind racing. He hesitated, then glanced back to where the queen of the ring had left. Something shifted inside him, slotting back into place with a surge of emotion that the twelve year old couldn't identify. He stared down at his clenched fist and uncurled his fingers to reveal the folded paper Aine had slipped to him.
"Callahan's first laws of robotics", a good read if you want to build your own fighter bot. I hope that your bot will only be one of your many swords, kid. You'll need the variety. From one survivor to another, don't give in to them.
- A
Hiro turned around to go home. He had work to do, things to overcome. I'll be back. his mind intoned gravely. Come rain or shine he'd come be back, with something that would blow their doubting minds away.
I'll be back, just you watch, Aine! I'll be back!
"Tadashi-I just- I need to- aaargh!" Hiro was about ready to pull out his hair. "Will you just move?" he snapped, shoving ineffectually at his big brother's side.
Tadashi let out a nonchalant hum as he carefully sliced off some cheese for his sandwich.
"You're so - rrrrrgh! - heavy! What have you been doing, sneaking donuts under the table from Aunt Cass?" Hiro groaned, still trying to shove his older brother away from the counter.
"Wow. Rude." Tadashi commented, munching on a thicker than desired slice of cheese.
"What's rude is that you aren't moving." Hiro snarked as he grabbed Tadashi's elbow and braced his foot against a kitchen drawer so as to have maximum pulling power. ...It wasn't very effective.
"Tadashi, seriously! I just need to -" Hiro let out a wordless growl as his arm was smacked away from the counter.
Tadashi cut away at another piece of cheese. "Hiro, I don't want anything to hurt you."
Hiro's eye twitched as he tried to squeeze in between the counter and Tadashi. "I'm just trying-"
Tadashi pulled the knife away from Hiro's searching hand and pushed away Hiro's face with his free hand. Hiro let out a shrill squawk of protest.
"TADASHI!"
"You're not getting the knife Hiro." Tadashi deadpanned.
"WHAT?! NO! Tadashi that's not what-" The boy's words were cut off by an inarticulate and muffled scream of undying frustration. "I just want my bento, is that too much to ask?"
Tadashi froze, dropping the knife as he glanced down at his fuming little brother.
"You… want… your ben...to? The one that I made if you wanted to go to school?"
Hiro nodded deliberately, as if Tadashi was a little child. "Yes…" he drawled slowly.
"Oh… Oh. Oh!" Tadashi crowed as his little brother's words finally penetrated his brain. "Hiro this is so exciting!" he spun around as if to hug his little brother who had retreated away from his person and then hesitated. ...wasn't he supposed to wait until Hiro wanted a hug? Was this an acceptable time for him to hug his little brother? Did he need permission? Aunt Cass had said he needed to be patient… he could be patient, right?
Hiro rolled his eyes at Tadashi's conflicted expression. "C'mere you donut hog." he said and he put his arms around his older brother who returned the hug enthusiastically.
"I'm really glad you're coming back, Hiro." Tadashi whispered into Hiro's bushy hair. The boy rolled his eyes with a fond grin.
"Yeah, yeah…"
"One yeah is enough you know…"
Hiro sniggered. "Yeah, yeah, Nii-san."
Tadashi let out a put upon sigh but didn't say anything, merely content with the knowledge that Hiro was ready to try High School again.
AN: Hey guys! It's my week today! Hope you have enjoyed this chapter as much as I had writing it (there was so much more but Mel made me cut some out because it didn't fit with the rest of the chapter, but never fear! They shall some how manage to make their way out from the woodwork somehow! I will make this happen, Mel I swear)!
Biiig thanks go toooo: Melanie-March, seems-pretty-legit, DisneyandWildKrattfangirl, regularshow565, anomonist, DreamGirll, BlueD, Dinseynerdbh6, Purpalz Miner, sherlywherlylock, The Red Dove, E, TheMusicOfYourSoul, KodiakWolfe13, DarthRexPoke44, CreatedInFyre7, Atariel Tsukai, Narniac4aslan, Forever Me, readeatcook(*accepts the hugs and hot chocolate gratefully*), aaaaand AmyxRosexMoon (I am suuper glad you were finally able to catch up lol).
On a sadder note, I found out yesterday on Tumblr that one of our own has passed away due to anon hate. I wrote something on there and I've decided to share it on here too.
Her name was Lily AKA boneheadtadashi and her boy friend had to post here that she had killed herself three days ago.
I am devastated I didn't know her. I am devastated because she sounds like a wonderful, beautiful person and she's gone. I am sad because a beautiful light is now gone from our world and people are hurting so much.
Lily's story hits home, as I have had small flashes of depression come at me. Not the pervasive kind that I know many get, but just enough to know just how terrible and Dark everything must seem. I have wondered, quietly in the safety of my own mind, how the people around me would react if I just… disappeared.
I don't seem like it, but those flashes of dark deadly curiosity are still there and I fight them off with a sword of faith in one hand and a shield of courage in the other every single time. I'm the "happiest person in the school" and yet even I get them. You are not alone. I may not be able to vocalize or know the right things to say, but I know. It's hard, not following those impulses and dark thoughts to their deadly outcome. But please, please know that people are out there that care for you and want to see you live, thrive, and overcome the demons of your own soul.
I care. I care. I care so much, that I would cry if you were gone. I'm always open if you need someone to vent to, my email is Sakkastone gmail . com (just remove the spaces), you can send an ask or fanmail on tumblr, I'm here for you. I will always be here for you. Even if I can't get to your message right away, or a timezone stops me from reaching you right away, know that I will always, ALWAYS respond to you.
So please don't take your life, please don't go away, because we would miss you.
Lilly, I am sorry that I didn't get to know you in this life, I hope that you will find healing and peace in the next to come. What happened to you wasn't fair, and my heart shatters to know that you felt like death was the only option, was the only way out of the pain you were in. Please know, wherever you are, that you are a wonderful, beautiful person and those who knew you in this life will never, ever forget you.
Rest in peace, boneheadtadashi, you won't be forgotten.
Guys, please don't feel like you're alone. My inbox is always open if you need someone to talk to. This is why I'm writing Till I'm Gone, so people can know that you aren't alone. This is why I've kept writing, because I know it helps people.
Love,
Sora Matasuki