Till I'm Gone
Sora Matasuki
Chapter Twenty Two
The woman watched as her boys stood together in the upper floor of their home, ready to greet the rising sun with all the dignity and determination of the samurai of old. The picturesque scene was almost an exact mirror of the first day of school, Aunt Cass reflected, before everything had gone so, so wrong. And yet, there were differences. That fragile innocence had diminished, and, due to that harrowing refiner's fire, they were all different.
Tadashi made it a point to reach out and give physical affection whenever his words failed him - which happened more and more in the face of his little brother's shifting moods - and drove Hiro to distraction.
Hiro, in the wake of his release from the hospital, had first been reclusive - shut up inside his half of the room and refusing to get out from under his covers for most of the day. It had come to a major head with Tadashi's bento-giving ways. Then, just as suddenly as it had started, the antagonism between her boys had faded. And then the household had been thrown into (joyous) chaos as her youngest - her brave, brave, little boy - came up to her and informed her of his decision to return to the accursed place that had nearly destroyed him.
She was so proud of him. So, so, proud and so, so, scared. He was ready to conquer his demons and move on. Cass wasn't. She still had nightmares of finding both her boys covered in blood and her eldest screaming… screaming… screaming for someone to help, blood dripping down his face, down his fingers and onto the blood soaked floor. Sometimes, her dreams would throw in the accusing and disappointed faces of her sister and brother-in-law.
'You could have done something, anything!' they accused her, pointing blood soaked fingers into her face, so close that the blood dripped onto her white shirt, staining it with her guilt.
She always woke up crying those nights, tired beyond belief as her conscience tore her up from the inside.
Cass wasn't ready to let her youngest fly back into the wolves' den. But she couldn't clip his wings, or else she would cripple him. A downed bird was a dead bird, after all.
Quietly, Cass walked over to her two boys. "Hiro, are you absolutely certain you want to go back? There's no shame in not wanting to go just yet." she said, despite knowing just what his answer would be.
Hiro turned to her with an understanding glint in his brown eyes that made Cass' soul ache. Her youngest left Tadashi's clingy presence and hugged her fiercely around the middle. "I'm sure, Aunt Cass." he pulled away slightly, a determined but shadowed glint in his eyes.
Aunt Cass let out a resigned sigh, a wry smile on her face.
Curse the Hamada stubbornness. There had been a reason why her sister had finally caved to be courted by Tomeo Hamada, and their sons had it both in spades.
"Alright. If you're sure. I can't stop you from going. But know that if you ever feel overwhelmed, you can come straight home, no questions asked." Cass informed him, pulling him into another hug.
Through all this, Tadashi hung back, watching the interaction between his relatives with a fond smile. Cass thought her nephew looked rather… lonely. She locked eyes with her eldest and gestured him over, pulling him when he was in range of her hand. Soon, all three of them were squashed together into a massive group hug and laughing.
The sight of Hiro laughing made the intense ache in her chest fade, as did the sight of Tadashi pulling away just to get Hiro all to himself in a large bear hug. Hiro let out a squawk of protest and started squirming, but Tadashi rested his chin upon the smaller boy's mop of messy black hair until the twelve year old conceded with a pout and hugged his brother back. The sixteen year old saw his opening and attacked, hands as fast as lightning jabbed into Hiro's sensitive sides.
Hiro went rigid, then fell over with a wail of "Betrayal! BETRAYAL! I have been betraaayed! Aunt Cass, aveeenngee meeee!" and the boy fell dramatically to the floor, sticking out his tongue limply with a final 'pleeeeh' sound.
A giggle escaped the woman's lips as Tadashi paled and slowly backed away, watching her advance. She hadn't been called the Tickle Queen in her youth for nothing, after all…
Hiro was scared. Terrified, fearful, any other word to describe the pounding of his own heart inside his mouth would probably fit just as well as the one he'd found: scared. His hands clung to the straps of his backpack so tightly that his knuckles went white.
Tadashi pulled into the parking lot and then turned off the car in one of the free spots then turned to his little brother.
"We won't go in until you're good and ready, Otouto."
Hiro trembled, biting his lower lip. "Even if we miss first period?" he asked in a choked whisper, dark brown eyes searching for something in Tadashi's eyes.
It was found in the way Tadashi reached over and placed his hand on Hiro's shoulder. "Even if we miss first period." he confirmed gently.
Hiro shivered under his big brother's warm hand, tears welling up despite himself. "It's stupid." he scowled, wiping the traitorous liquid away.
"Fear is never stupid, little brother." Tadashi told him softly. "You were hurt here, you felt unsafe. There's no shame in being scared because you know that there's someone bigger and meaner than you."
"But I could have fought harder!" Hiro protested, shuddering harshly. "I could have-"
"Hiro."
Hiro flinched and Tadashi squeezed his shoulder gently, grounding in his solid presence on the other seat.
"It's not your fault. It's never been your fault. You were scared and hurt. You were alone, facing an enemy that outnumbered you three to one."
Even more tears welled up in Hiro's eyes. "Nii-san…" he sobbed, leaning into Tadashi's touch, practically clinging to the lifeline his older brother represented.
"Hiro, you aren't alone. Not now. Not ever. Never again." Tadashi vowed, pulling his little brother into a hug. "I'll stand by your side far after I'm dead and gone. Until eternity ends and farther still. I'm not going to give up on you, Hiro. I promise."
Hiro let out a watery sort. "You're such a sap, Nii-san…"
"And a nerd." the elder agreed, grinning. But that grin faded when Hiro flinched slightly.
"Hey… what's going on?" Tadashi asked quietly as the twelve year old trembled, eyes tracking something only he could see.
Watery brown eyes lock onto his and the sixteen year old dared to breath again at the sight of the fear receding from his little brother's eyes.
"They'd call me that. I-I can't-" Hiro whispered, tucking his face into Tadashi's shoulder. The sixteen year old could feel Hiro shivering. And then it clicked.
-nerd, ever consider taking a swim? Oh. Oh. Tadashi wanted to punch someone's face in but he grabbed that burning anger, threw it into it's padded cell and locked it up with a key. To compensate for the harsh disconnect of feelings, he surrounded his heart with all the compassion and love he felt towards his little brother that he could manage.
"Hey, hey… It's alright. I won't say those kinds of things if you don't want me to." Tadashi soothed, his big brother senses warning him of an incoming flashback if he didn't do something. "It's off limits now, anyone who calls you that or any variation there of can say hello to a knifehand to the throat."
Tadashi held up his fist for good measure and Hiro weakly giggled, snot getting onto Tadashi's jacket. But did the elder Hamada care? Not one bit so long as Hiro wasn't stuck in his nightmares.
"Thanks, 'dashi." the twelve year old mumbled, sitting up and rubbing at his wet eyelashes. "I… I think I'm ready now."
Tadashi regarded his brother's slightly flushed and tear stained cheeks and the firm set to his shoulders. "You sure?" he asked. Hiro let out a tiny nod, biting his lower lip. After a moment to look at his brother fully, Tadashi slowly nodded back.
"Okay… Let's go, little brother."
The teenager patted Hiro's shoulder once more and then slid out of the driver's seat. He held the door open, waiting until the twelve year old had slipped out of his side. The delighted snigger when both doors shut in unison was music to Tadashi's ears.
The two boys met at the trunk and Tadashi held out a fist. Hiro rolled his eyes but was grinning as his smaller fist lightly brushed against Tadashi's and the two mimicked exploding noises. Hiro pushed himself off of the fist bump but Tadashi caught his wrist and pulled him into a hug.
Hiro let out a squeak but allowed his brother this comfort with a rolled eye. But as the hug progressed, Hiro began to get very antsy. "C'mon Nii-san, you've hugged me long enough. We need to go in, remember?"
Tadashi let out a whine. "But you're so huggable!"
"Tadashi. I can't move if you're channelling a donut stealing monkey." Hiro deadpanned.
"Sooo?"
"Who's the oldest in this family? You or me? Because you're not really acting like a mature older brother."
Tadashi pulled away slightly to regard his little brother with a raised eyebrow. "Well you're snarky today." he said.
"And you're really clingy." Hiro shot back.
Tadashi scowled before digging his knuckles into Hiro's fluffy hair and scrubbing.
"Ack! Tadashi! Ow, ow, ow!" Hiro stumbled as he was released from his brother's clutches. He whirled around, hands rubbing at his mildly burning scalp. "Dude! Not cool!"
Tadashi just snickered and started walking. The sixteen year old could hear the startled yelp from behind him and had to fight back a smirk as Hiro scrambled to catch up.
"Tadashiii!" Hiro whined, small skinny legs pounding the asphalt at a quicker pace than normal to reach his older brother. Said older brother had slowed down to the pace of a leisurely stroll.
"Yes?" Tadashi asked through a grin.
"You're such a cheater." the twelve year old accused, glaring up through his shaggy bangs and hands on his knees as he panted. "Not… fair…"
"Is that so, midget?"
"It's not my fault you're so… so… so tall!" Hiro spluttered.
"Wow. Such prowess with words. Are you sure you're a genius?"
"Aaaarrrrgh!" Hiro flailed, rushing at older brother and connecting with his target's middle with an empathetic 'oof'.
Tadashi grabbed Hiro and spun the two of them around, a laugh escaping his lips as Hiro yelped at finding his world a dizzy blur.
"...'dashi you cheater…" Hiro blinked dazedly, a pout on his lips. "You used my momen… moment… momentum against me!"
"Well you did charge me like a bull, Hiro." Tadashi deadpanned in amusement, steading the younger Hamada as the twelve year old staggered, clinging onto his shirt for balance.
"'cause yoooou're a cheater." Hiro declared, face pressed into Tadashi's stomach. "Dashiiii make the world stop spinning!"
"I didn't even spin us that hard."
"Mmmph." Hiro didn't move from his position and Tadashi laughed.
"C'mon, we're so close, Hiro! Just a few more steps!"
"Nooo… still dizzy. Make it stooop." Hiro whined, hands reaching around at Tadashi's middle, shaking his head 'no' as he did so.
Tadashi sighed, highly amused. "Alright then, if you're so dizzy, I'll just have to do this!"
Hiro shrieked in indignant protest as his older brother swung him up and over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. His feet kicked the air and the boy pounded the elder's back as he squirmed. "Tadashi put me down!"
"No can do, otouto!" Tadashi said. His steps were light and airy - nearly a jig - despite the added weight Hiro put on his shoulders.
Hiro let out an aggravated hiss and hung limply from Tadashi's shoulders, arms dangling like limp noodles. Maybe if he was extra still Tadashi would put him down before they got into the school crowd.
Despite Hiro's secret hopes, they soon entered the crowd and Tadashi still wasn't letting go. "Tadashi, if you don't set me down this instant, I swear I'll-"
"Hiro. Look at this."
"I can't look at anything if I'm still draped over your shoulder, you idiot!" Hiro growled, squirming. "Whoah!"
Hiro found himself planted on his feet and spun around faster than his brain could process, making him dizzy all over again. Tadashi's hands settled on his shoulders, a warmth settling deep into the twelve year old's bones. "...What am I supposed to be seeing?" he asked.
"Look! See anything slightly different?"
Hiro squinted, eyes scanning the crowds of high schoolers passing by. And then, he found it, and wanted to smack himself at how obvious it was.
"That's a whole lot of sticky notes…"
Thousands of the colored pieces of paper lay plastered on any surface that could hold them. Walls, lockers, pillars - doors even - it didn't matter where, so long as they could stay. Hiro glanced at one that was closest to him and felt his eyes widen.
"You are loved." the black words on blue practically screamed out at him, bold in their sincerity.
Hiro left the safety of Tadashi's arms to investigate others, brown eyes wide.
"You would be missed."
"People care."
"Glad you're still alive."
"Keep breathing, it'll be okay."
"You can make it."
Hiro spun in a circle, a bewildered smile growing on his face. Someone had taken the time to handwrite what must have been, like, a thousand sticky notes.
"Hiro, if you see this, know that we care." that stopped him cold, well… not really cold, because the warmth filling his chest was anything but cold. Someone had written his name… written something to him!
And there were more, as he drew closer and closer to his own locker. Which kind of made sense because… well… he certainly hadn't made his goodbye private. The whole world had seen it. Everyone knew he had tried. And failed. Maybe it wasn't all about him, maybe he wasn't the one who sparked this post-pocalypse but to see some sticky notes addressed to him (a kid who made dumb choices and failed at following them through)... it nearly made him burst into tears.
"Hiro, I'm so glad you're still here."
"Smile, bright eyes, a new dawn is coming."
"Keep calm, and science on!"
"Hiro, you are so brilliant, never stop dreaming."
"We care about you Hiro."
"We've missed you."
The messages were plastered all over his locker, some so thick Hiro needed to peel the top layer to read another one. His eyes watered at all the bright happy colors shouting out their handwritten words of encouragement. The twelve year old put his hands to his mouth to stifle the sob that wanted to escape. The tears at this point decided to make a break for it and Hiro couldn't stop them from rolling down his cheeks as he slumped bonelessly to the ground, a neon green post-it-note in his hands.
Sniffling, Hiro glanced down and smiled.
"You are loved, Hiro."
"Hiro? Are you okay? Did someone manage to write something mean and stick it on your locker?"
Hiro laughed, shaking his head. "Not at all, Nii-chan. I'm not sad, I promise."
The twelve year old could practically feel the incredulous look Tadashi threw at his back. "Then why are you crying?"
Hiro turned around and rolled his eyes. Heaven almighty, his older brother was such a worrywart. ...which wasn't all that uncalled for, because if Hiro looked at his position from outside eyes… well… he could see where Tadashi was coming from.
"I'm happy." Hiro finally stated, grin so big that his cheeks ached and the corners near his eyes crinkled. Tadashi relaxed minutely.
"Just to be sure, I don't need to hunt someone down, right?" Tadashi grinned, bending down to be eye level with him.
Hiro considered the offer and then shrugged. "Not at the moment, no."
"C'mon kiddo, let's get you up on your feet." Tadashi held out a hand and Hiro took it. The elder Hamada pulled and Hiro went up.
"Whoah!" the twelve year old yelped, stumbling until he hit Tadashi, who steadied him with a hand to his shoulder.
"You okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine I just need to put some stuff away." Hiro grinned, adjusting his backpack's straps.
Tadashi nodded. "Okay." The sixteen year old leaned up against the wall, being careful not to cause any post-it-notes to go flying.
Hiro opened his locker with a flourish then paused. "Hey Tadashi?"
"Yeah?"
"Did you ever tell someone my locker combination?"
Hiro's back was blocking Tadashi's view of the inner contents of the opened space. "...no, why?"'
Hiro turned around, a bundle of blue flowers clenched in his hands. "Someone left me Forget-Me-Nots."
AN: Hey guys! We are really, really close to a major plot point but the thing is that in order to fully grasp the plot, you reaaaaally need to check out Mel's A Cage of Fire! In a few arcs (like two) she'll be caught up to where we are but I'm suspecting that I might have to go on hiatus for a little bit so I can help her get up to that speed (trust me, those of you who are brave enough will thank me because what's coming up is NOT gen at ALL and will need to be moved over into A Cage of Fire. It's a little… graphic…. BECAUSE OF THIS DUDE *shakes Thomas angrily*). We'll know for sure in the next update.
Also, Mel will be updating on a loose schedule of whenever she has them primed and ready to go we'll release them so it's not going to be a long wait (as long as we actually manage to pump them out in a reasonable speed). ALSO, PLEASE REVIEW HER STORY IF YOU'RE READING IT, SHE NEEDS THE LOVES LIKE I DID AT FIRST!
Also, Lilly is alive, her step mom lied to her boyfriend about her being dead. (Super crazy, I know.) I'd like to thank RazzlePazzleDooDot, CrazyCartoonistOtaku, and Bukalay for letting me know, I would have never found out as fast as I did if you guys hadn't told me (btw if anyone wants to know I cried like for half an hour after finding out that she was alive, it seriously made my day).
OH YEAH! RazzlePazzleDooDot did some pretty gnarly fan art for chapter 15 (the link is on my profile and my tumblr if anyone wants to see). She's AWESOME (I literally spazzed for the whole day...er...week actually), and I can't thank her enough! (It really made my day.)
BIIIG THANKS GO TOOO: Melanie-March (*huggles*), Disneynerdbh6, DreamGirll, regularshow565, Purpalz Miner, Blue D, E, sherlywherlylock, DisneyandWildKrattfangirl, kplusthree, narniac4aslan, Atariel Tsukai, The Lord of Chaos, fphoniex, CreatedInFyre7, KodiakWolfe13, Highcrest Tomoko, RazzlePazzleDooDot (thank you again!), CrazyCartoonistOtaku (thanks so much), Guest, aaaand bukalay (thank you again for telling me).