Cress had become obsessive.
She had another interview playing on her port as she connected memories to dreams to confirmed stories on the netscreen in her small living room.
So much was still missing. Gaps. Especially from the desert. She knew everything that happened to her from Thorne's attempted rescue to the landing, and some of what went on in those days they wandered. But she didn't know how she felt during that time. They didn't talk about her much in the interviews; it was a sensitive subject, that she was not there with them in the interview room because she remembered nothing.
She knew of the process of the satellite crash. Not how she felt. Not the fear. She knew about when they ran into the camp. About the hotel, and when she was later kidnapped. Her rescue. Nothing in between.
She had learned so much, and yet she remained with so little.
She had learned of the war itself, of her attack on thaumaturge Aimery that ended in her memory loss. Once, in the hospital, a doctor had told her she was lucky to not have lost her eyesight, since the damage had occurred so close to her occipital lobe.
This wasn't luck. They could fix blindness. They couldn't fix memory loss.
Cress knocked her knuckles against her head, once again willing herself to just remember something. Anything. It was hard to endure the sheer uselessness of her long-term memory; sometimes, she lay in bed at night and cried about it. She hoped that she would one day regain her memory, and that she wouldn't have to ever admit to anyone just how painful it's all been for her.
She would figure it out. Even if she didn't remember it, she would learn what happened. All she had to do was work up the courage to ask Thorne about it, to dredge up the pain for him. She knew it hurt him. You could see it in every interview - how he visibly winced when her name was said. The way he skirted around the topic of her when it was broached.
He would endure it for her, wouldn't he? If she were the one asking. If he truly cared that much.
If he still cared that much.
She pushed her hands into her hair.
Her port pinged.
Sighing, she stepped away from the netscreen and stopped the interview playback.
She had a comm from Thorne.
"Hey, wanna go running today?"
It had been a week since they first went running in the park, so it made sense that he'd ask today. Cress sighed again. Dread filled her.
She had only just decided that she needed to ask him about the time in the desert. She wasn't sure how she would word it. Surely, preparation or no, she would stumble over her words and say it so incorrectly that she'd break him.
Maybe that was a bit dramatic, but one could never be too sure.
"When?" It was the easiest reply.
His was immediate. "I can be there in 20."
She considered her hair. If her workout clothes were clean. She considered that she hadn't yet eaten breakfast, nor brushed her teeth.
"I'll be ready." She turned to the netscreen. "Netscreen, save and power off." It did so. She tucked her port into her bra - "the fashion industry's best pocket", Iko had once said of bras - and stalked off to her room to get ready.
Her running pants, the ones she had bought specifically for the exercise, were still laying on her floor from the week prior. She hadn't done much cleaning in the last week, and it was reflected in the apartment's clutter. She hadn't done much of anything but go to work, the rest of her free time sucked away by her dedication to jogging her memory.
She grabbed them and performed a sniff test, deciding they were acceptable enough.
She rushed to the bathroom and brushed her teeth, trying to consider if she had any of those granola bars left.
Maybe there was one.
And then she needed to fill her water bottle.
Stars above, she was a mess of nerves. She had to talk to him today, it was the best time, considering she knew that they both had the entirety of Sunday free. Unless Thorne had other plans after. Maybe he met someone by now.
She would have to ask anyway. Maybe they could go to lunch afterwards, and she could dredge up memories of things he no longer wanted to talk about.
He'd do it for her. Or so she hoped.
Running was just as awful as Cress remembered. At the park bench, once again their end point, she was bent over with her hands on her knees, desperate to catch her breath.
"You haven't gone running again, have you?" Thorne asked, laughing.
"Listen," she breathed. She straightened and glared at him. "I was sore until Wednesday last week. That kind of turned me off from it. I only came out today because you were joining me."
He smiled at her, a glint of white teeth showing. "I'm happy to be your motivation."
Her heart skipped a beat.
She crossed her arms, ignoring the reaction. "Thanks, I suppose."
He laughed again. "Any time. Are you up to anything today?"
She scrubbed her hand towel down her face, wiping away the sweat. She would need to fix her hair if they were going anywhere. She hoped her clothes weren't obviously sweaty.
"No," she said. "I was wondering if you wanted to go somewhere for lunch?"
He sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm all booked up."
She felt herself deflate.
"I'm joking. There's a diner nearby we can go to. Is that good with you?"
She was suddenly overcome with anxiety. "Yeah, that's great."
When should she do it? Should she wait until they finish eating so he at least can have lunch before being upset? Or after they order so that they could confine the conversation to the diner?
She should've thought of this sooner.
Maybe the right time would come. Maybe she would just know.
Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy. Fortunately, she was able to make a sound decision.
She'd confine the conversation to the diner. Not let it spread elsewhere.
They'd ordered, it was just a matter of bringing it up.
How should she start? "Hey Thorne, I know this is gonna hurt but let's talk about the desert. Let's talk about the satellite crash. And oh, what exactly happened when we crashed the royal weddings?"
She thought back to her dream of the kiss, months ago. Was that Thorne? She couldn't think of who else she would feel as comfortable with, especially considering the other men on their team had all been at least partially taken. Same for the women. Except Iko. But Cress was sure she would've known if it were Iko. And besides, there was a male voice behind it.
She just wished that she could recall it more clearly. She would know who it was, at this point, without having to ask.
Cress would just have to start talking. Wherever it took her, she could fix it. She just had to start.
Thorne cleared his throat uncomfortably. They'd been sitting in silence for too long.
"I wanted to ask you something." She felt her hands trembling beneath the table. "Or a few things. But if it makes you uncomfortable-."
"Go ahead," he said with a dip of his chin.
She wet her lips and stared at the table. "I've been working on something."
"What kind of something?"
"A memory map, I guess. I've had a lot of dreams in the last few months. And originally, I thought that they were just that. But then I realized that some of them were talked about in your interviews, and others weren't. So I kind of started putting things together and trying to connect them. And I wanted to ask you about a few things..."
He stared at her for a long moment. "You're remembering."
She swallowed hard. "Yes. Sort of. Some things. Other things I know of, just not personally. I still feel like an outsider."
"What did you want to ask me?" He seemed much more hopeful now, leaning with his elbows propped on the table.
She held eye contact with him for only a moment, willing herself to just get it over with. "The satellite crash... and the desert. What happened?"
He sat back and rubbed his neck. "What exactly do you want to know?"
"Everything."
And he gave her that. He weaved a story of fear and hopelessness, interjected with some hope when they were rescued, and more terror when she was kidnapped.
He seemed to be keeping it together pretty well.
Cress thought she would cry. Their food had been brought to them ten minutes ago, and neither of them had touched it.
She wanted to reach out, for him to take her hand. To ground her.
She took a long breath. "Was there... did we ever kiss? I feel like I remember something. But I only remember a kiss, and being afraid; nothing around it."
He nodded once, his eyes falling from her. "Fear. Could be when we were on Luna. Or maybe... the rooftop."
"Rooftop?"
He nodded. "You know about when we were kidnapping Kai from the palace?"
She thought for a moment. "Yes."
"We went to the rooftop to get to the spaceship - Iko - and Jacin had sold us out. And we were surrounded by guards. I'd promised you in the desert that I'd never let you die without being kissed, and I was sure we were going to die..."
"So you followed through," she said, voice almost a whisper.
The background details of that memory started to fill themselves in, remembering in the interviews how they talked about that specific event.
Thorne scratched his arm distractedly. "Cress, do you remember... I don't know if I should tell you about this. I feel you should know, in case you don't remember. It was really important." He looked at the table, at his food that was now cold. "But I'm not sure it's the proper venue?"
She felt more nervous, suddenly. "Please just tell me."
It didn't seem as though he could look at her. "Do you remember anything about Dr. Erland?"
She knit her eyebrows. "Head researcher of Letumosis in the Commonwealth, right? He turned out to be Lunar, I guess. You guys talked a bit about him in the interviews. He died from Letumosis, when it mutated to affect Lunars."
"Right." He still didn't look at her. "We were all there when he died. Do you remember it? We were preparing to escape the palace."
She blinked at him. "I don't, no."
"He told you that he was your father, Cress. Right before he died. Sage Darnel was his real name. And he was your dad."
Cress remembered it, suddenly. The pain. The heartache. Tears filled her eyes suddenly. "No." Her voice came out small and wavering.
"I'm sorry."
She covered her eyes with her hands, wishing she were home. Anywhere but here.
"I can take you home," he said, and it was what she wanted to hear. She just wasn't sure she could move without breaking down completely.
She shook her head. Not yet. "I remember." She squeezed her eyes. "I remember it... stars above, he knew the whole time and waited until he was almost dead. Stars above, what kind of person-"
"Cress." She stopped. "I know it hurts, and that he should've known the risks of war, but you can't let it break you down."
She sat back, looking at him with what she knew were puffy, red eyes. He was finally looking at her again. "It's just hard to understand."
He nodded. "You never really had time to work through it. It's okay."
She rubbed her eyes. "I'm sorry I ruined lunch. I should've waited until after we ate."
"It's okay," he reassured. "I'm not sure I'm hungry anymore, anyway."
Cress swiped the tears from her cheeks. "Me neither. Can you take me home?"
He gave her a small smile. "Of course."
When he parked his hover in front of her apartment building, she glanced at him. "Would you... walk me up?"
He looked briefly anxious. "Yeah, I will."
He unlatched his harness and they both exited. Cress used her wrist to gain entry into the building and then again into the elevator.
"Thanks for... today, I guess. And I am sorry."
He leaned against the back wall of the elevator, looked down at her. "You don't have to be sorry. I can't imagine how hard it is for you."
She clenched her jaw. It was so hard.
She stared at her blurry reflection in the elevator's door, glad that it wasn't a long trip.
Thorne followed her as she led him to her apartment. He agreed to her invite to come in, and he complimented her on it.
"It's simple. I like it," he said.
"It's a mess. I need a Serv4.2." Cress laughed. "It's kind of bare, too. I was never really minimalistic in my head. I just don't know what to put here."
Thorne nodded. "I'm sure you'll think of something, if you ever do want to add more. But I think it's nice."
Cress smiled at him, and he returned it. "Thanks for hanging out today," he said. "I'm sorry it wasn't very fun."
She shrugged. "It was helpful."
"I'll see you later, Cress. Have a good day."
He turned to leave.
"Wait." She suddenly had an idea. She wasn't sure it'd be a good one, and how could it be when it came from all those net dramas she watched? But she was almost desperate now. "Can we... try something?"