Warning you all now, this chapter has some death and drug and alcohol use. It's also over 10,000 words, so it's pretty long. Let me know what you think!
D: Darkness
*Even though she tries to play it off, Jay sees when her smile isn't as bright as usual. He can hear the tenseness in her laughter, see the crinkle in her forehead from trying so hard to slip into her usual façade. But he knows her better than anyone, and he knows when she's putting on an act. And it almost always has to do with her past.
Jay didn't know what was going on with Erin today, but since they had woken up, she had barely spoken. She hadn't even put up a fight on who got to shower first, and she had skipped breakfast entirely and just opted for coffee instead.
He could see that look in her eyes. That darkness that had settled in while she was grieving for Nadia and out doing God knows what. Jay wasn't sure how to act in this situation. He didn't want to push her away, but he needed to know what was going on with her. He needed to be able to help her.
"Baby?" she was staring down into her coffee cup and didn't even act like she heard him. "Erin?"
Her head tilted up to make eye contact with him and she forced a smile. But he knows her better than anyone, and he could see that she was hurting.
"What's going on with you?"
"I'm just tired." She answered weakly. It was obvious that even she knew that he knew she was lying. "We better go or we're going to be late."
Normally, their morning car rides were filled with talking, or if she was in a really good mood, singing. But today, there was silence. Jay grabbed her hand and she let him hold it, but she didn't squeeze his back. He was driving because she had wordlessly gone to the passenger's side of the car, which was very unusual.
Jay glanced in her direction and saw the frown on her face. He could see her teary eyes and he couldn't just watch her suffer.
"Can we talk about what's upsetting you?"
He could see Erin's entire body tense. She pulled her hand away from him. "I'm fine."
"Erin, you look like you're about to cry. I know something is going on. Just let me help."
"I don't need your help!" she snapped.
Jay knew not to push her. He pulled into the parking lot of the police department and as soon as the car was stopped, Erin jumped out. She walked quickly into the station.
He followed after her and was stopped by Ruzek. "What's going on with her today? She nearly bit my head off for bumping into her."
"No clue." He replied. He passed him and went over to his desk to sit down. Erin sat down at her desk a minute later and stared blankly at the wall.
Voight stood at the front of the room, immediately drawing the attention of everyone besides Erin. "Seven-year-old girl kidnapped last night." He taped a picture of a little girl with dark brown curls and big, brown eyes onto the board. She looked small and fragile and Jay couldn't understand why anyone could hurt an innocent child. "I'm sorry, Detective Lindsay, are we boring you?" Voight said suddenly.
Jay looked over to where Erin was still blankly staring. "No, sir." She answered as she slowly looked to Voight.
The older man shook his head at his surrogate daughter and continued on with his case briefing. "Allie Matthews. Her mother, Sarah Matthews, says she was taken from her bedroom sometime between midnight and six o'clock this morning."
Jay's attention was caught by Erin suddenly standing up. She looked like she was about to be sick. Jay wondered if that's what her problem was today.
"Erin, sit." Voight commanded.
"I can't…" she began.
"Sit!" he shouted. Erin sat back down and tried hard to look unaffected, but it was clear to Jay that something was wrong. Voight continued. "Her grandmother, Betty Matthews, was murdered two nights before and we believe these cases are connected. We start by gathering as much information as we can on this family. Halstead and Lindsay, I want you to go to the family's home and talk to the mother."
"No." Erin objected.
"I'm sorry, what did you say? Did you say no?"
"I can't do it."
"I wasn't asking you, I was telling you." Voight shook his head at her. "Whatever is going on with you today, you need to get over it. Ruzek and Atwater, find everything you can about Betty Matthews. Al, Antonio, I want you to drive by Betty Matthews' home and see if any of the neighbors heard anything. Now let's get to work!"
Jay watched Erin hesitantly stand. She made eye contact with him for a second and then started to walk towards the stairs. He stood, but Voight stopped him before he could go after her.
"What's going on with her?" he questioned.
"I have no idea. She won't talk to me."
"Figure it out and fix it." Voight took his hand off Jay's shoulder and let him go after his girlfriend.
He found Erin waiting in the driver's seat of the black SUV that was designated for them to drive. He climbed in and before he could even get his seatbelt on, she took off.
"Will you talk to me?" he pleaded.
She sighed. "Nothing is wrong, Jay. I'm just tired and I've got a headache. I'm not in the best mood and I don't want to take it out on you because you didn't do anything wrong."
"Okay." He replied. He understood they all had those days, but he wasn't convinced that that was it. He had felt her tossing and turning all night, so he didn't doubt that she was tired, but there was something else.
She pulled into a gas station parking lot and got out. He figured she was stopping for coffee or something, so he was surprised when she returned with a bag of powdered donuts and two individual sized chocolate milks.
"Chocolate milk?" he asked with a quirked eyebrow.
Erin looked at him and he could see that something was seriously going on with her. "Please Jay. Just please be quiet for a while. All the thoughts in my head are already killing me and you're not helping."
"Babe, you can talk to me about it." He tried.
"I don't want to talk. I want to figure out where this little girl is and get her home where she belongs." She put the car in reverse and backed out of the parking spot she had been in.
It took them ten minutes to arrive at the home of the Matthews family. Jay noticed it wasn't in the nicest neighborhood, but Erin didn't seem to observe her surroundings at all. He looked towards the house they were going to and saw the front door fly open.
"Erin!" a little dark haired girl ran down the stairs. Jay watched in surprise as his girlfriend knelt down and hugged the child.
"Hi, sweet girl." She lifted her up. "Where's Mama?"
"Inside." The little girl laid her head on Erin's shoulder. Her eyes met with Jay's. "Who's that?"
"This is Jay." Erin introduced.
"Is he good?"
Erin gave the first smile he had seen all day. "He's the best."
"I'm Madeleine, but everyone calls me Maddie." She introduced.
"Hi, Maddie. It's nice to meet you."
Maddie giggled and held onto Erin as she carried her into the house. Jay followed behind her and saw a little boy come out.
"Hi, Gavin." Erin greeted. "Come inside, I got you guys some breakfast."
"Yay!" Maddie cheered. Erin handed her the bag and set her down and she ran inside.
"You okay, buddy?" she asked Gavin. He nodded his head slowly and turned to go inside. Erin followed after him and held the door open for Jay.
"Erin…" he started to ask, but she shook her head.
Jay watched as a dark haired woman came into the room. It was unmistakable that she was the mother of Maddie, Gavin, and the little girl that he had only seen a picture of. "Well if it isn't Erin Lindsay. Great to see you, princess." Sarah pulled Erin into her arms and Jay could see his partner was tense. She pulled away after a second.
The adults noticed at the same time that Gavin was struggling with the donut bag. "Let me help you." Erin opened the bag for the kids. Maddie came over with two paper plates and Erin gave each of them four donuts. The kids sat down at the table to eat. "Sarah, can I talk to you in the living room?"
Jay watched the two women walk to the living room and he went after his partner. Erin looked exhausted and like she wanted to be anywhere other than here right now. Jay was confused on how she already knew this family.
"I take it you're here about Allie?" Sarah questioned.
"Yeah."
"Mama said bad men took Allie." Maddie commented from the kitchen as she turned around in her chair to be able to see them. "Are you gonna find the bad men, Jay?"
He was surprised the little girl was addressing him, but he nodded. "Yeah, we are."
"Good. I miss my sister." Maddie turned back around in her chair to eat her donuts.
"Tell us what happened." Erin began.
"The kids went to bed last night at around eleven. They were all in their rooms until Allie came out to get some water at around 11:30. I checked on them at midnight and then I went to bed. I got up at six and went to wake them up for school, but Allie was gone. I immediately called the police and because of my mom's death and the possibility that they could be connected, they said I didn't have to wait 24 hours for them to file a report."
"Why aren't Gavin and Maddie at school?" Erin wondered.
"They're sister was just stolen out of her bed, Erin. Do you think I want to let them out of my sight?"
"I'm sorry, that was a stupid question."
Sarah glanced down at her phone and then back at Erin. "You know what the date is today?"
Jay looked at Erin curiously, wondering what the woman in front of them was talking about. His girlfriend nodded.
"You know it's been seven years, right?"
"Yes."
"I still can't believe he's gone. Daniel was an amazing guy. He loved Allie so much for the few months that he knew her. It's crazy that she disappeared on the day he died." A few tears fell down Sarah's cheek and she quickly wiped them away.
"Do you have any idea who could be responsible for this?" Jay stepped in.
"There's not anyone that I can think of. Allie is the sweetest little girl, and we pretty much keep to ourselves. I don't know who would want to hurt a seven-year-old."
"You're not in any trouble with anyone?" Erin asked.
"No." Sarah answered. "God, I still can't believe Daniel's been gone for seven years. It's a shame he never got to meet Maddie or Gavin. He would have loved them just as much as he loved Allie."
"I heard about your mom. I'm so sorry." Erin changed the subject. Jay wondered who Daniel was and why Erin seemed so hesitant to talk about him.
"It's been so rough without her here." Sarah let her head drop into her hands. "I just don't understand why all of this happened at once. Losing your mother is hard enough, but then to find out someone took your seven-year-old? I don't know why this is happening, Erin."
"You're talking to me here, Sar. You know you can trust me, right?" Sarah nodded. "Are you in any trouble with money?"
Sarah shrugged and both detectives could see she was getting uncomfortable. "I owe a little money to a friend, but it's not a big deal. It's being taken care of and it doesn't have anything to do with this. I know my friend would never hurt my mother or one of my kids."
"Okay." Erin stood up and Jay followed her lead. "Thank you, Sarah. If you think of anything else, let us know, okay? Bye Gavin, bye Maddie."
"No!" Maddie screamed. She ran over to Erin and wrapped her arms around her legs. "Please don't go."
"I have to, Maddie. I have to go back to the police station so I can try and find your sister."
"I wanna go with you. Please, Erin. Please!" she cried. "I miss Allie. I wanna help find Allie!"
"I'll find her, sweetie. Stay here with Mama and Gavin."
"Please!" Maddie held her arms up so Erin would pick her up.
Erin lifted her up and kissed her cheek. "Go finish your breakfast. I'll see you again soon. I've got to go find your sister and you have to stay here. It's okay. Do you trust me?" Maddie nodded. "Gavin, do you?" he nodded too. "I'll find out what happened to Allie."
"And to Grandma?" Gavin asked quietly.
"And to Grandma." Erin added. "The two of you be good, okay?" she kissed the top of their heads. "Let's go, Jay."
"Let us know if you think of anything else." Jay stated.
"I will. Thank you." Sarah held out her hand and as Jay started to shake it, he finally realized where Erin knew this woman from.
Sarah had track marks on her arms. She had, at some point, been involved with drugs.
Jay walked out the front door and jogged to catch up to Erin. "Hey…"
Erin climbed into the driver's seat and ignored him.
"What's going on? Who are those people? How do you know them?"
"Sarah's an old friend."
"Is she still an addict?" Erin looked at him in surprise. "She has track marks on her arm, Erin. I'm not an idiot."
"I'm not talking about this with you."
"Forget the fact that I'm your boyfriend for a second and that I'm worried about you. I'm your partner. I was completely blindsided by the fact that you knew her when we went in there. How could you not tell me anything?"
"Because, Jay. This is something I have to deal with. I'll figure it out."
"I want you to tell me about Sarah Matthews and your history with her."
"Later."
Jay let out an exasperated huff and stared out the window. He was surprised when he saw they were going in the opposite direction of the station. "Where are we going?"
"You'll see."
After about a half an hour, Jay realized they were going to the closest prison. Erin led the way inside and went over to the front desk. She showed her badge.
"I need to speak with Dominic Lacey in relation to a case I'm currently working on."
"I'll get Mr. Lacey into a private room." The woman disappeared behind the counter.
"Who is Dominic Lacey?"
"Jay, I need to focus. Please just shut up."
"Whatever, Erin." He rolled his eyes at her. He was done with her attitude for the day and the way she was avoiding all of his questions. It was extremely annoying, not to mention how dangerous it was for him to go into situations where he didn't know the whole story.
"He's Allie's father." Erin said quietly.
Jay was surprised she was actually letting him in on what was happening. "What's he in prison for?"
"Armed robbery."
"Right this way, detectives." The woman led Erin and Jay down a hallway and to a room. She slid her name badge and unlocked the door, allowing them to pass through.
"Well, well, if it isn't Erin Lindsay. What brings you to my cell?"
Jay studied the man sitting in front of them. He had dark hair and the same brown eyes that Allie had in her picture. He had a tattoo sleeve on his left arm and Jay could see the 'Allie' written in cursive across his right forearm.
"This is my partner, Detective Jay Halstead. I've got some questions for you." She sat down on the right while Jay took the chair on the left.
"Okay. What's going on?"
"Are you in trouble with anyone?"
Dominic frowned. "Not that I know of. When I got sent to prison, I cut ties with everyone. I just want to get my time done and see my little girl." A small smile landed on his face and Jay knew then that he didn't know what had happened. A look at Erin showed that she came to the same conclusion.
"Dom, I've gotta tell you something."
"What is it?"
"Allie disappeared this morning."
"What?"
"Sarah said that she last saw her at 11:30pm, and when she went to wake her up for school, she was gone." Erin explained.
"What about the other two? Are they alright?"
"They're at home and safe. We need to know if you have any idea what could have happened to Allie. I'm not sure if you know this or not, but Sarah's mother was murdered two days ago and we think there may be a connection from that to Allie's kidnapping. I need to have all of the information so I can find her as soon as possible."
Dominic's face turned stony. "You should go talk to Sarah about that. She's the one that's been messing with Enzo."
Jay glanced at his partner to gage her reaction to this new information. Erin had that darkness in her face that happened only when something horrible had happened.
"Erin, you've gotta find my little girl." Jay watched as a tear fell from the prisoner's eye and the man used his shoulder to wipe it away.
"I promise you that I will get to the bottom of this. Thank you for helping out, Dom. If you think of anything else, call me."
"I will. Bring her home, Erin. Please keep me in the loop."
"You know that I will." Erin stood up. Jay felt like he had been doing nothing but following her all day, so once again, he went after her.
"Alright, I can't play this game with you anymore." Jay grabbed Erin's arm gently. "Please, babe. I need to know what happened. I need to know what's going on so I can protect myself and you in this situation."
He could see Erin's face soften a bit. "Dom and Sarah are old friends of mine."
"Are they the ones who got you involved with drugs?"
"No. Dom isn't into drugs, and Sarah is an addict, but she's supposed to be in recovery."
"Supposed to be?" Jay couldn't help but ask.
"We're gonna pay her another visit and see how true that is."
The car ride didn't take very long to get back to Sarah's. They went up to the front door and Erin knocked.
Sarah answered. "Did you find Allie?"
"We need to have a talk." Erin responded. She opened up the screen door and let herself into the house. "Where are Gavin and Maddie?"
"Playing in their rooms."
"Let's go in the kitchen." Erin led the way and a confused Sarah followed. Jay was really doubtful that Sarah would give them anything useful after the conversation they had with her earlier.
"What's going on? Do you know something about Allie?" Sarah wondered after they all sat at the kitchen table.
"I just went to visit Dom."
"How is he?" Sarah asked. "It's been a long time since I've seen him."
"He was good, until I told him Allie was missing. He mentioned something interesting though."
"What do you mean?"
"He told me that you've been involved with Enzo."
Sarah's face hardened immediately. "Stay out of it, Erin."
"I'm not gonna stay out of it. All I want to do is find Allie. I don't care what you do in your spare time as long as those kids are safe."
"Oh don't act like you care about them. When's the last time we even spoke? Two months ago?"
Jay realized then that Sarah had been involved in Erin's relapse after Nadia's death. He could feel his anger rising, but he knew he couldn't say anything. This wasn't about Erin; it was about getting Allie home safely.
"That doesn't mean I don't care. I want what's best for them. What's going on with Enzo, Sarah?"
The woman sighed. "I owe him money. I fell into a rough patch and he paid six months' worth of my rent." She looked wearily at Jay.
"You can trust us." Erin reassured her.
"I've been scoring from him. He exchanged some stuff with me for something else."
Erin nodded. "How much do you owe him?"
"5,000 dollars."
"I'll help you get it taken care of." Erin replied. "We've gotta go. Lay low, okay? Don't get involved with anything else."
"Please, you have to find Allie. I don't know what he's going to do to her."
"I'll do everything I can." She and Jay stood to exit the house.
They arrived back to the station after a silent car ride. Erin immediately went up to Intelligence and grabbed a picture from Mouse's desk. She pinned it on the board.
"Dominic Lacey. He's Allie's father and currently doing time for armed robbery. When Jay and I visited Sarah, she mentioned that she owed some money to a "friend" but she didn't think it was a big deal. Sarah is involved with Lorenzo "Enzo" Saltori. She owes him five thousand dollars for rent and drugs."
"How do you know all this?" Voight wondered. Jay looked at his face and could see that he was battling with his emotions. He was curious to know if Voight knew Sarah and Dom from Erin's past.
"I went to see Dom in prison."
"Erin…" Voight began.
"No, we need to try and find Allie. Enzo is ruthless. He'll do anything to get back what he believes is his. He won't care that he's using a little girl to do it."
"I don't understand why he doesn't go after the mom. She's the one who he wants to get back at." Atwater chimed in.
"Because when you're an addict, you don't really care what all you have to lose. All you care about is getting high." Erin answered. "If he takes away her source of getting high, and rips away her one reason to actually sober up, he's going to drive her off of the deep end. Enzo has no standards and he'll go after innocent people without a second thought."
"Maybe this Enzo guy is just holding Allie for ransom. He wants money, right?" Ruzek suggested.
"That's not how he works." Erin rejected.
Ruzek looked at her. "How do you know so much about this guy?"
"Erin…" Voight jumped in.
"Because when I was fifteen years old, I owed him a thousand dollars." Erin completely ignored Voight's attempt to shut her up. She pulled up her shirt and pointed out a scar on her stomach. Jay had seen it many times, but he never knew what it was from. "This is where Enzo stabbed me. After I got out of the hospital, he beat me senseless until I gave him all of my painkillers, and then he told me we were even. Enzo isn't to be messed with. He most likely killed Betty, and he'll kill Allie if we can't stop it."
"Why did you owe the guy money?" Atwater questioned.
"I can't remember if it was for cocaine or heroin."
Jay looked around the room. Unsurprisingly, Voight and Al looked unfazed at her admission. Jay didn't know that particular story, but he knew about Erin's past and that she was an addict, so he wasn't too shocked. Atwater, Ruzek, and Antonio were staring at her with strange expressions.
"Hey Erin, can I ask you something?" Jay called out. She nodded her head. "Earlier, Sarah said how she exchanged some stuff with Enzo for something else. What did she mean?"
"He's well known for prostituting out girls so that they can get money to buy his drugs. I'm sure Sarah was one of those girls. She exchanged sex for money for drugs."
"Shouldn't we get child services involved with this? What about Gavin and Maddie?"
"Who?" Voight jumped in.
"Sarah's five-year-old son and four-year-old daughter. They're still at the house with her." Erin responded.
"Are they safe?"
"I honestly don't think so."
"We'll send a squad car to sit outside of their house until we're done with this investigation. Any more surprises, Erin?"
"None that I can think of."
"Then everyone talk to your CIs. We need to find out where Enzo is as soon as possible so we can find Allie." Voight ordered.
LINSTEAD LINSTEAD LINSTEAD
Two hours passed before Jay had finished calling everyone he could think of that may know Enzo's location. He walked into the break room to get some coffee to try and calm down a little bit. This was all a lot to take in, and it was even harder knowing his girlfriend was involved with all of this. He sat down at one of the tables and closed his eyes for a second. A few seconds later, he felt the presence of another person and looked up. He was a little surprised to see that it was Erin.
"Hi." She nearly whispered.
"Hi."
She moved so that she could sit on his lap and pressed a kiss to his lips. "I'm sorry that I've been so rude. It's been a horrible day for me."
"Did you know that Allie was missing before we went to work today?"
"No."
"Then why were you in such a bad mood?"
"I'm sure you heard Sarah mentioning that today is seven years since Daniel passed away."
Jay nodded. "Who's Daniel?"
"He was one of my best friends when I was younger. He was two years older than me and he always kept me safe and watched out for me. Growing up with Bunny, I was involved with a lot of crazy stuff. Sometimes, random men would come and spend the night with her. One time, one of them wandered into my room. He tried to kiss me, but I freaked out and hit him over the head and ended up knocking him out. I called Daniel and he came over and made sure the guy was alive, and then he pulled him out of my room and spent the night with me so that nothing else could happen. After that, he was always around in case one of Bunny's friends got a little too touchy with me."
"Did the two of you date?" Jay wondered.
"No, he was like an older brother to me. Before Hank came around, he was the one to look after me and keep me safe. Or at least I always thought he was, but now that I'm older, I can see that he wasn't the best influence."
Jay stroked Erin's back soothingly. "Why do you say that?"
"He's the one who introduced me to drugs. Well, sort of. I had always been around them because of Bunny and everything, but one night, I was with Daniel and some of his friends and one of them offered me some kind of pill. Daniel told me to do whatever I wanted to do, but he had taken one of the pills and I trusted him. After that, it all just went downhill."
"How did Daniel die?"
"Overdosed on heroin. It's crazy that he's gone, but he never would have stopped. I tried so hard to get him clean, but he wouldn't listen."
"How long have you known Sarah?"
"I met her through Daniel. She was dating one of his friends. I'm actually the one who set up her and Dom; he was my friend and I brought him into Daniel's little group. I've known Dom since I was thirteen and Sarah since I was fifteen. They're a couple years older than me too. They dated for a few years, but they broke up when Allie turned a year old. Daniel died a couple months before then, which definitely drove a wrench into their relationship because they both loved him so much and the only way addicts know how to grieve is through benders."
Jay understood Erin's actions after Nadia's death a little better now. "Have you kept in touch with them all these years?"
"Not too much. I was really wild when I was younger. Hank took me in when I was fifteen, but I still rebelled a lot until I was seventeen. After that, I got it together and finished high school and I stayed clean. I started talking to Sarah again when I was twenty-two, which is when she got pregnant with Allie. I got to be around Daniel for those last couple of months of his life. I helped get a spot ready for him at rehab and everything, but he wanted to have one last party the night before he went away to get clean. That's when he overdosed." Erin paused for a minute. "When I heard that he died, I went to see Sarah and Dom. Sarah was doing heroin in his memory, pretty ironic, right? But I realized that I was so close to letting her put that needle in my arm and I had to go. I stopped talking to Sarah, and I only talked to Dom every now and then to check in. That's how I found out about their break-up, and how I knew Gavin and Maddie were born."
"Is Dom their father?"
"No. They both came from random one night stands that Sarah had while she was high out of her mind. Gavin was born addicted to drugs and he was taken into child services for the first month of his life until Sarah went to rehab and cleaned up. Obviously it didn't work too well though because she only stayed clean until after Maddie was born. I didn't see Sarah again until after Nadia." She confirmed his earlier suspicions that Sarah had been involved with her bender. He didn't expect her to say anything else, but he was pleasantly surprised when she continued on with her story. "I always hated when we would go to Sarah's. The kids would be asleep upstairs while everyone else was injecting themselves with God knows what. Sarah's mother took care of the kids most of the time, but at night, they were left alone with their mom and that's probably the worst place that they could be. In the mornings, I would start to sober up and I would realize that what we were doing was wrong and I would feel human again. I took care of the kids as much as I could; I think that's why Maddie seems so attached to me. I'm the only person, besides her grandma, who has ever taken care of her. It's sad to think about since I was a horrible drunken mess most of the time, but she still trusts me."
"You were there for her, Erin. She just needed someone and if that was able to help you get through things, then I'm glad you were there." He kissed her forehead. "Thank you for opening up to me, baby. I want to be here for you for these things. I want to help you." Jay told her.
"Thank you for listening to me." She leaned her head against his chest. "I had already been preparing for feeling bad about Daniel's death today, and then I had a nightmare about Nadia last night, which just made it a thousand times worse. Now with everything with Sarah and the kids, this day just keeps getting worse."
Jay kissed the top of her head. "What happened in your nightmare?"
"The same thing that always happens. Nadia climbing out of that shallow grave and telling me that it was all my fault."
Jay wrapped his arms tighter around Erin. She always seemed to be trapped in her own mind and he didn't know how to make her see that she wasn't responsible for everything that ever went wrong in her life.
"Halstead, Lindsay, we've got a location on Enzo." Antonio stated as he poked his head into the room.
"Where is he?" Erin demanded as she stood up.
"Some club about forty minutes from here called Calvin's."
"I know where that is." Erin stated. She walked back out into the main area with Antonio and Jay not far behind her. "I want to go in there to find Allie."
"No." Voight immediately objected. "You're too close to this case."
"I'm the only one who can do this. I know Enzo, I know Allie, and I know how his world works. None of you understand what we're about to get involved in."
"No, Erin." Jay chimed in. "You don't have to do this."
"Let me tell you all something. Allie is seven years old. When she was born, she was the tiniest baby I had ever seen, and the first baby I ever held. I was there for the first six months of her life, and even though I had to leave for personal reasons, I still checked in on her. She loves horses and Barbie dolls and her favorite color is purple. I made a promise to her father that I would find his little girl, and I need to bring Allie home to her brother and sister. I know you all are worried, but I have to do this."
"Do I have to remind you of the little bender that you went on two months ago?" Hank asked. "You're too likely to get into trouble once you're in there. We'll send someone else in."
"Please, Hank. It has to be me. I know what I have to do and I know how Enzo works. I won't do anything that I don't have to do. I have too much to lose. I know the risks and I know that you're worried that I might do something, but I have enough of a reason to fight against anything telling me that I want the drugs."
Voight was a silent for about thirty seconds before finally giving his answer. "We're putting a mic on you. You're not going in without a weapon and we'll be parked right outside the club."
"I won't let you down." Erin reassured him.
"I know you won't, kid. Now let's get ready for this."
LINSTEAD LINSTEAD LINSTEAD
An hour later, Erin walked out into the police station's garage. All of the guys were waiting for her and they stared at her in shock when she walked over. She had on a short, skintight dress, dark makeup, and heels that were at least five inches tall.
"Wow." Ruzek said. Jay smacked the back of his head and he rubbed it in pain. "What? I know you were all thinking it."
Mouse went over and clipped a small microphone to the inside of her dress. She smiled nervously and Jay took that as his cue to go over to her. With her heels on, they were the same height and he looked into her eyes.
"Are you sure you want to do this?"
"I'm sure." She answered.
"I can come in there with you if you want."
"No. I'll be too focused on you and I need to pay attention to what I'm doing."
"You don't have to do this if you don't want to. We can have someone from the drug unit come in. They'll understand what's going on."
"I can do it, Jay."
"Let's get on the road then."
The team, plus Roman and Burgess, headed off towards Calvin's. Antonio drove one of the SUVs with Jay and Erin in the backseat. Jay held her hand and rubbed circles into it with his thumb to try and keep her calm. He was thinking that he may be more worried than she is.
It seemed like they arrived way too early. Jay could feel Erin's pulse quicken and he leaned over and kissed her. "You're going to do great. You can do this. I love you."
"I love you too." She gave him a long kiss and then pulled away. "I'll see you in there."
Everyone turned on their earpieces so that they could hear what was going on.
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Erin strutted into the club and quickly scanned the room for all exits. Her eyes landed on a man sitting at the bar and she smiled slightly. This was perfect. He turned to see her just as she started walking towards him.
"Well if it isn't the most beautiful girl in the world! Hello, Erin." He stood up to hug her.
"Hi, Clay." She kissed his cheek. "I've missed you."
"The feeling is mutual, sweetheart. How long has it been? About two months?"
"Something like that." Erin could feel the pressure closing in on her. Clay had been there for her bender after Nadia and she didn't want to talk about that right now. She wanted to find Enzo so she could find Allie and get out of there.
"How are you doing? I still can't believe sweet little Nadia passed away. She was too good for this life."
"Yeah, she was." As Erin thought about Nadia, her body started to itch for a drink. When Clay offered her a shot, she easily downed it and then ordered two more. She didn't want to have an unclear head for this mission, but she needed to look like she was blending in a little bit.
"You know who's here tonight?" Clay asked after her fifth shot.
"Who?" Erin wondered.
"Enzo! He's in the back. It's probably been years since you've seen him. I'm sure he'd like to see you."
"It's been a long time. I wouldn't mind seeing him again." Erin answered.
"Come on. I'll lead the way." He reached out his arm to help her off of the stool. Erin stumbled slightly and she frowned; she could hold her liquor pretty well. It dawned on her that Clay may have put something in one of her drinks.
Her body immediately started to panic, but she had to keep it cool. Her team was outside and they wouldn't let anything happen to her. She had to find Allie.
"Aye, Enzo! Look what the cat dragged in!"
Erin looked up and came face to face with Enzo Saltori. She hadn't seen him since she was fifteen years old, but he still looked the exact same.
She was still intimidated by him.
"Erin Lindsay. Strange to see you around here. What brings you to my part of town?"
"Looking for something to take my mind off of things."
"Oh really?"
"It's the seven-year anniversary since my friend Daniel died." She stated. "I don't know if you remember him…"
"Of course I do. He was a loyal young man. I was sad to see him go. But you know how this works; when people don't know their limits, they pay the price." He smiled at her. "Come, sit. Would you like a party favor?"
Erin saw the man sitting to Enzo's right open up a briefcase. When he turned it around to her, she saw that it was filled with drugs. She already figured that that was what a "party favor" would be, but she didn't think he would pull it out this quickly.
"I'm not sure if…" When Erin looked up, she was staring down the barrel of a gun. It was a feeling she would never get used to and it sent that familiar chill down her spine.
"Remember my game I like to play? It's called pick something or I blow your brains out."
Erin reached her hand out slowly and cursed the way that they shook. She grabbed a bag with a small blue pill inside. The man on the right shook two out of the bag and handed them to Erin. Enzo offered her his drink to swallow them down with. Once she had taken them, he put the gun down.
"How's your girl Sarah doing?" Enzo asked.
"I haven't spoken to Sarah in a while."
"Really?"
"I just needed something to take the edge off for tonight." Erin could feel her words slurring. She had no idea what they had given her, but the familiar high was starting to set in.
"Hey Vince, give Miss Erin here a little of my specialty."
The man to the right, apparently named Vince, brought over another baggie with white powder in it. Erin pictured Jay's face in her mind and how he would feel if he saw her doing this right now. She shook her head.
"I think I've had enough. I don't do this very often anymore."
"Once an addict, always an addict. Clay, didn't you say she was doing anything someone would give to her a couple months ago?" Clay nodded his head silently at Enzo's words. "Come on, beautiful. Show me that you're still the real you."
The powder was spread out on a table and arranged for her. Erin leaned forward and snorted it. Her eyes watered immediately and she felt like she could throw up. She didn't want to do this.
"I haven't see you since you were fifteen. You've grown up a lot since then." Enzo reached out and traced his finger down the neckline of her shirt. He pulled it down slightly to expose her breasts, but Erin wasn't that far gone yet. She pushed his hand away.
Everything was getting blurrier for her and she knew that they had given her too much of something. She felt a needle puncture her arm and she let out a small whimper.
Enzo pressed his lips to Erin's neck, but she pushed him off again. He slapped her across the face.
"You don't push me away. I always get what I want. Vince, take her to the back for me. I'll deal with her later." He smiled. "We're going to have lots of fun, pretty Erin."
Erin felt her body being lifted into the air and she realized she had been thrown over Vince's shoulder. Her eyes shut involuntarily and didn't open again until her body hit a mattress. She struggled to open her eyes and it didn't help when Vince landed a good hit against her stomach.
"Stay here." He ordered. He shut the door to the room behind him and she heard the door lock.
Erin didn't have the strength to even speak into her microphone and tell the guys that she needed help. Her eyes started to close, until she saw a head full of dark hair.
Allie.
As much as it hurt and as hard as it was, Erin forced herself to sit up. She opened up her eyes and was able to focus long enough to see that it definitely was Allie. She tried to reach out to her and ended up misjudging where she was. She fell off the edge of the bed and smacked her head against the side of a table.
Erin brought her hand up to touch the spot and looked down at her fingers. They were covered in something sticky and red and it took her a minute to realize that it was blood.
She crawled across the hardwood floor to where the dark hair was lying. She saw Allie's little face and even with as high as she was, she could see that her skin was too pale. She clumsily pressed her hand against her cheek and felt the cold.
Allie was dead.
Erin's head bobbed back and forth as she struggled to maintain consciousness. "Please." She whispered. "Please help me. Somebody help me." She put her hands on Allie's chest and tried to do CPR, but her arms felt too heavy to do anything. "No." she started to sob. "No, please. Allie, it's okay. It's Erin. I'm here."
She heard things start to slam around and the voices of her team. Erin wanted to help, but she couldn't. Her eyes were glued on Allie's face as the little girl slowly came into focus.
Erin didn't know how she knew, but she could tell they had given Allie some kind of drugs. She wasn't sure what it had been, but she knew that this little girl was dead. She continued to try to do CPR, but she knew Allie's skin was too cold and she was too pale for there to be any chance that she would survive this.
Erin leaned her head down and started to cry. She had been in the room the day Allie was born and Sarah had refused to hold her, so instead, the doctors passed her to Erin. She had stared down at her tiny face and realized that even though she had a horrible past, she could have a beautiful future and possibly a little girl of her own.
Now, that little girl was lying dead on a hardwood floor in some sleazy club. It took a second for Erin to hear the screaming and sobbing that had filled the room. It took another second for her to realize that the sounds were coming from her.
"Oh God, please. Please save her and take me instead. Please." She sobbed. She pressed her forehead against Allie's chest and hoped to feel some kind of heartbeat, but there was nothing.
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When Jay heard Erin whispering saying that she needed help, he was the first one out of the SUV. The rest of the team quickly assembled behind him and they busted into the club. Many of the people scattered, but it only took a second for the Intelligence Unit to find the back office.
Enzo was sitting in a chair and looked honestly surprised to see them there. Jay was kind of startled by that; he figured Enzo knew that Erin was there to get him arrested and that's why he had her taken to another room, but maybe he thought she was just there on Sarah's behalf instead.
Voight slammed Enzo to the ground as the rest of the team took out Enzo's men. Jay grabbed one of them by the shirt and slammed him into the wall. He moved his hand up so that it rested on his neck instead.
"Where's Allie?" he demanded.
"In that room!" The guy choked out. Ruzek came up to handcuff him and Jay let go. He heard the sobbing before he even reached the door and he slammed it open.
When he saw the sight in front of him, he immediately holstered his gun. Erin was on the floor, hunched over the body of a little girl and completely sobbing her heart out. Jay's heart broke at the sound. He had never heard her cry so hard, not even when Nadia died. There was something different about this and he couldn't help but think that this was the thing that finally broke Erin.
He went over to her and put his hand on her back. "Erin, come on. Let's go outside." She continued to cry and completely ignored him. "Baby, please."
"Let me die." She finally wailed. "I don't want to be here anymore. Please, Jay. Just let me die."
He had never heard her speak this way and it was pulling heavily on his heartstrings.
"Come on, Erin. We're going to go outside."
She turned to look up at him and his breath caught in his throat. He knew about Erin's past and what she did when she was younger, but he had never actually seen her when she was on a high. She looked completely out of it.
"I want to die. I deserve to die." She said as she stared directly into his eyes. Her breathing was labored and she looked like she was struggling to take in any air. "I'm so sorry, Allie. I'm so, so sorry." She leaned back down to kiss the cheek of the tiny victim.
"Come on, Erin."
"Leave me alone. I just want to die."
"I'm not leaving you."
Erin reached her hand out and for a second, he was confused. Then, he realized that it was going towards his gun. She latched onto the handle before he could react, but once he saw what she was trying to do, he pulled the weapon from her hand. He leaned down and wrapped his arms around her waist and yanked her up.
Jay held her tight against his chest, despite the way she was kicking and punching and screaming and trying everything she could to get away from him. He felt the tears fall down his own cheeks as he watched Erin deal with the death of a seven-year-old who had been forced to overdose. He had been through a lot in his life, but he could honestly say this was the hardest thing he had ever done.
The rest of the team came into view. All of their attention turned towards Jay as he practically dragged Erin out of the building. She was drunk, drugged up, and a sobbing mess, which was a completely 360 from her usual personality. Jay knew it was hard for them to see her like this, and that it was probably made worse for Antonio, Ruzek, and Atwater because of the fact that they had only found out about her past that afternoon.
Jay sunk to the ground and held Erin close to him. He reached over and pulled his gun out of the holster and held it out. Ruzek took it in confusion and Jay wrapped both arms around Erin's back.
"It's okay. Everything's okay. She's in a better place. It's okay." He repeated over and over again as he rocked back and forth. Erin was still fighting his grasp and he didn't know what else he could do. Voight came over to try and help, but that only made her freak out worse, so he took a step back.
"Did Erin kill one of the guys?" he heard Atwater asked. Jay looked over just in time to see the local paramedics coming out of the club with a gurney and a body bag. He knew that it was Allie and Erin did too because her cries only intensified, if that was possible.
"Please, Jay. Please. If you ever loved me, just let me go. Let me die. Please." She begged. "ALLIE!"
"She's gone, Erin." He told her.
"I wanna be with Nadia and Allie. Please, Jay. I want to be with them. Let me die." She turned her arm at just the right angle to land a hit on his face, but he didn't even flinch. He was more worried about her hurting herself right now.
One of the local paramedics came over and started talking to Voight. Jay saw his sergeant nod and then the two men came over. The paramedic knelt down in front of Erin and pulled out a needle.
"No more needles." She screeched. "If you're gonna kill me, then just shoot me. I don't wanna feel the high anymore. Just shoot me."
"Shhh, it's okay." Jay reassured her. He gave the paramedic a deathly stare for trying to inject Erin with whatever he had.
"It's a sedative." Voight said quietly.
Jay tightened his arms around Erin and forced her to stay still so the paramedic could give her the sedative. It took seconds until she stopped hitting and her body finally relaxed in his arms. He continued rocking and telling her that he loved her.
"It's time to go." Voight stated. "Ruzek, Dawson, Atwater, and Olinsky, take one SUV. Roman and Burgess, get in the car. We'll take the other SUV."
Jay looked down at Erin just in time to see her eyes shut. He lifted her gently and brought her over to the SUV. Voight opened up the backdoor and Jay climbed inside with her. He held her as close to him as possible and prayed that she would be okay.
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Jay sat next to Erin's bed at Chicago Med all night. He held her hand, talked to her, and at one point even sang to her. She had yet to wake up; they kept her sedated for the night to try and control her outbursts.
Because of Erin's past, she had a high chance of becoming addicted to drugs. No one was sure how she would be once she woke up. Jay was terrified to find out.
At around ten o'clock the next morning, nearly twelve hours after they arrived at the club, Erin's eyes fluttered open. She stared at the ceiling for a couple of seconds before turning her head towards Jay's direction. Before he could even speak, she had pulled herself up and she was vomiting over the side of the bed.
Withdrawal. Jay had been waiting for it, but it still shocked him. He gathered Erin's hair in his hand as he pressed the call button for the nurse. Erin finished after about a minute and leaned back in her chair. Jay offered her a cup of water, which she wordlessly took.
Someone came in to clean up all of the vomit. Jay waited anxiously until they were gone so he could talk to Erin. He hoped she would let him in.
"I want to go home." She whispered.
"I know. It's okay. You'll be released soon." Jay approached the next subject gently. "Do you know what happened?"
Erin nodded her head. "They gave me a lot of drugs. Allie died. That's all I can remember."
"I'm so sorry, Erin."
"Jay?"
"Yeah?"
"I don't want to be the person I was before. I don't want to need the drugs again. I love you and I want to be happy. I don't want to die anymore." She burst into tears.
Jay stood and wrapped his arms around her. "Hey, you've got me. I love you more than anything in this world, Erin. This hasn't changed anything. You don't have to be that person."
"My whole body hurts." She whimpered.
"You can fight through the withdrawal. I'll help you. It'll be okay."
"Please promise me you won't leave me alone for the next couple days. I don't know what I'll do if I'm alone."
"I won't leave you." He promised. "I'm right here, Erin."
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Six hours later, Erin was released from the hospital. Voight told her not to come back to the station for the next week and gave Jay the same amount of time off to take care of her.
Jay couldn't help but glance towards Erin as he drove towards their apartment. That darkness that had surrounded her the day before was gone. She looked like a scared, innocent little kid and he couldn't help but wonder if this was what she had looked like when Voight took her in.
"Can we go to the station?" she nearly whispered.
"I don't think that's such a good idea."
"Please, Jay. I need to see how this all ends. I need to talk to Sarah before I can ever hope to get over this."
Honestly, Jay was terrified Sarah would blame Erin for what had happened to her daughter. He knew it wasn't logical, but he didn't want his girlfriend to blame herself for something that was out of her control. Even though he was scared, he knew he had to do what Erin needed.
"Okay."
It didn't take long to arrive at the station. The two of them got out of the car and walked into the building. Eyes of many of the officers turned to look at them. Jay couldn't tell if Erin was affected, but if she was, she was doing a good job at hiding it.
"Erin?" a little voice called. The two of them turned to see Gavin standing there. Sarah and Maddie were in one of the rooms behind them and Jay knew they were waiting for someone to come and tell them about Allie.
"Hey buddy." Erin knelt down to be more on his level. "You okay?"
"Can I tell you a secret?"
"Of course you can."
Gavin looked nervous as he spoke. "The bad guys didn't take Allie."
"I'm sorry buddy, but they did." Erin told him.
"No. Mama gave Allie to the bad man when she was sleeping. I saw her."
Jay watched as Erin slowly stood up. He put his hand on her shoulder and pulled her closer to him.
"How truthful do you think that is?"
"I'm one hundred percent sure he's telling the truth."
"Remember that she's still their mother. You can't do anything while they're here."
"What are the two of you doing here?" Voight questioned as he came down the stairs.
"I want to tell Sarah." Erin said.
"I don't think that you should."
"I need to, Hank. Please."
He sighed. "Fine, but Halstead and I are coming in with you."
The three detectives entered the room and Jay shut the door behind them. There was only one available seat and he and Voight wordlessly let Erin take it. They stood behind her, ready to jump in if she needed it.
"Gavin, Maddie, do you want to go meet my friend Trudy? She'll get you something from the vending machine if you ask very nicely."
"Yeah!" Maddie cheered. Gavin just nodded his head.
As the kids passed her, Erin pulled Gavin into her arms. "You are such a good boy for telling the truth. Thank you."
"You're welcome." He whispered. He followed his sister out to see Sargent Platt. Jay shut the door again.
"You are a terrible excuse for a mother." Erin immediately said.
"Excuse me?" Sarah scoffed. "How would you know? You don't have any kids."
"I know because I would never sell my child to a drug lord to pay off a debt that I owed them!" Erin shouted as she stood up. "Allie didn't make it, Sarah! Your little plan didn't work!"
"What?" Sarah asked.
"She's dead because of you. You let those people have her and they drugged her up. She's gone now because you couldn't wake up for five seconds and realize that your kids need you!"
"She can't be gone. This wasn't supposed to happen. You were supposed to arrest them and bring her back to me!" Sarah started to cry.
"No. You don't get to cry. You might as well have been the one to kill her. How am I supposed to tell Dominic that you killed his little girl? How are you going to explain this to Gavin and Maddie? Do you even realize that they're going to have to go to foster care now, all because you're pathetic and couldn't get away from drugs?"
"Don't act like you're so much better than me! Don't you know that I know the real you? You had no problem selling your body for drugs. You would have done anything to get a high. Daniel used to say he couldn't believe that drugs turned you into such a little slut!"
"The difference is that I grew up!" Erin screamed. "I realized that I was ruining my life and I changed! You brought three beautiful children into this world and you're destroying them, Sarah! Allie's already dead. How long will it take until you give away Gavin and Maddie?"
"I wouldn't do that."
"You won't have the chance to." Voight stepped in. "Sarah Matthews, you are under arrest."
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"Any news?" Dominic asked as he was brought into the room. Jay grabbed Erin's hand for support as she took a deep breath and then spoke.
"Dom, we found out something pretty horrible."
"Okay, just tell me. Don't beat around the bush."
"Sarah paid off her debt with Enzo by giving him Allie."
"Excuse me?"
"She thought that she could tell the police and we would arrest Enzo and all of his guys before Allie was hurt. From what her toxicology reports say, I'm thinking they gave her some kind of drug to keep her quiet. But they gave her too much of it. Dominic, I'm so sorry. Allie didn't make it."
Jay had never been so affected by seeing a grown man cry. He knew Dominic was a criminal, but he felt sorry for the guy. He seemed like a decent human and now he had to grieve for his seven-year-old.
"Sarah's been arrested. I'm not going to let her get away with this." Erin reassured him.
"Where are Gavin and Maddie? Are they safe?" he demanded.
"They're going to a nice foster home. I'll make sure I check up on them and that they stay together. I'm so sorry."
"Did you find her?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm the one who found her."
"Did they give you drugs?" Jay looked at him curiously and Dom caught his stare. "I can see how badly she's shaking and sweating. I've seen too many people go through withdrawals. Erin, promise me you're going to fight this. You have to stay clean. Do it for my little girl."
"I'm gonna stay clean. I promise." Erin stood up. "I've got to go. I'm sorry about Allie."
"Thank you for updating me." Dom looked to Jay. "Keep an eye on this one, will you?"
"I sure will." Jay reassured him. He and Erin left the room. "He seems like a great guy. Even though he just found out his daughter died, he still asked about two kids that aren't his and worried about you."
"Dom's good like that. He's too good to be mixed up in a life like this."
"So are you." Jay couldn't help but say. Erin just smiled sadly and walked towards the exit.
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Jay held out his arms as Erin exited the bathroom for the second time in the past hour. She had been throwing up all day, her body was shaky, and she felt dizzy and exhausted. He knew it was the withdrawal and he knew that she was going to be strong enough to fight it this time.
She fell into his arms and laid practically on top of him. She rested her ear over his chest and listened to his heartbeat. He thought she was asleep, but then she called out to him.
"What's wrong, baby?" he stroked a hand through her hair.
"I need you to promise me something."
"Okay."
"If we ever have kids and I go off the rails again, I want you to take them and leave me."
Jay frowned. "What?"
"You don't understand how an addict's mind works. When you need that high, you'll do anything to get it."
He kissed the top of her head as he felt her body start to shake a little more intensely. "You okay?"
"Withdrawals still. It hurts so badly. I want drugs and I would do anything for them, if I didn't have my head screwed on right." Erin sighed, her breath tickling Jay's neck. "I hate Sarah so much. I hate what she did to Allie, but I can understand it. I've been so desperate before that I had sex for drugs."
"That's not the same thing." Jay reassured her.
"No, it's not, but what if I had gotten pregnant? What if I had reached that point?" she shook her head. "Promise me, Jay. Promise me you'll never give me the opportunity to hurt our children."
"I promise." Jay said. Though he said the words, he knew he would never give up on Erin. He smiled at the idea of their hypothetical children and at the fact that Erin had trusted him enough to open up so much in the past two days, and to stick around with him when she had every reason to go.
Jay knew that darkness still lingered in his girlfriend. He knew that there was always a chance that she could relapse, but he would be there to makes sure she didn't. There was darkness inside of her, but Erin's light seemed to overcast it all. And the light was definitely worth the dark that came with it.
Next up… E: Exhaustion