Chapter Eighteen: In Memoriam

I sat somewhat numbly through Nagisa's funeral. Ever since I had collapsed at the hospital I hadn't felt much in the way of emotions. Numb, that's how I felt; numb, even as I saw the twins, Kotomi, and Sanae cry.

I didn't even feel anything when they placed her body in the cremator. Unlike the others, I stuck around for a few minutes before they started the machine.

"I'm sorry," I said to the otherwise empty room. I knew she wasn't there, but I still needed to say it. "I should've seen it. Maybe I could have said something and you wouldn't be here."

I really didn't enjoy the pain that I started to feel in my heart but, in a way, it was a relief; I guess I was finally ready to grieve.

"Your parents are good people," I said as I felt tears starting to form in my eyes. "Kotomi and I'll make sure that they're taken care of."

I leaned up against the side of the cremator. "Why did you have to fall in love with me? You knew about Kotomi and I, didn't you? Maybe you didn't know this about me, but I'm stubborn to a fault; I wouldn't have given her up for anyone." I wiped at my messy eyes. "And what did you hope to do by keeping it to yourself? You made yourself sick, didn't you? Did you die in my arms?!" I lightly smacked the side of the cremator.

"Tomoya-kun?"

I turned to see Kotomi standing by the door to the room. She must have gotten a good look at my face, because her hands flew to her mouth as tears started to form in her eyes. "Tomoya-kun…are you blaming yourself again?"

"No, not this time," I said as she made her way over and wrapped her arms around me. "I'm just trying to work things out with Nagisa."

"B-But-"

"I know, I know, she's not here anymore…I guess I'm trying to work out my side of things." I looked up like I was trying to see Heaven. "What I want to know is 'Why?' Why did she have to die?"

"Well," Kotomi said thoughtfully if tearfully, "the doctor told us that the stress on her heart was too much-"

"I know," I interrupted again. "But that answers 'how'. I want to know 'why'."

"I am sorry, Tomoya-kun; I cannot answer that."

"I know," I sighed, blinking away more tears. "I never expected to lose someone so close to me like this. I mean, all of us were a really good group of friends, and to lose one of us like this…I was too young to remember my mom's death, so I don't even have that to compare it to."

I felt Kotomi nod against my chest. "It has been a long time since my parents died, but it does not make this any easier for me."

I sighed again, more heavily this time. "I wonder how the Furukawas are doing."

Kotomi hiccupped. "I can only imagine what it would be like to lose a child, especially after caring for her and raising her for eighteen years."

"Yeah," I agreed, giving her an extra squeeze. I heard the door open again, and I turned to see the technicians entering the room. "We should go. If you want to say anything to Nagisa, I'll try to keep them busy."

I felt her shake her head again. "For now I have cried all that I can and said everything that I can." She looked up at me with a sad smile. "I am just waiting for you, now."

"Waiting for me?" I asked as we started for the door, still in something of an embrace. "Waiting for me to do what?"

"To grieve."

I knew what she meant; I had been bottling up my feelings while I tried to make sense of them. But…maybe I needed to just let it go, let myself cry and rage; then I could look at my feelings then, make sense of them then. But as long as I had to be strong for others, I couldn't do that-

"You could end up weakening your immune system, making yourself vulnerable to many different illnesses." Kotomi's words came back to me and I realized that, even though she had been talking about something else, her words could still apply here. I could make myself sick just like Nagisa if I kept my feelings bottled up like this.

We met up with the twins in the lobby and I noticed that Nagisa's parents weren't there. "Where are the Furukawas?"

"They left a little while ago," Fujibayashi said. "I think they'll be back after Nagisa-san's…" she put her hand to her mouth and dabbed at her eyes. "…in about a couple of hours."

I knew what she meant and simply nodded. "Okay." I looked down at Kotomi and asked, "Could we find a park somewhere around here?"

"I know of one nearby."

I let go of her to take her hand. "Are you two going to be coming back?" I asked the twins.

"We'll be here when her parents come back," Kyou replied. "I'm not sure I feel like going anywhere."

Truth be told, I really didn't want to leave either, but I had something that I had to take care of.

"The sky is very pretty, Tomoya-kun."

I looked up at the sheet of blue above us, lifting my hand to block the direct sunlight. The sun made the air nice and warm, but not too warm. In the distance I could hear kids playing. "Yeah, it's nice."

I felt rather than saw Kotomi look over toward me. "Why did you want to come to the park?"

I leaned back fully on the park bench and closed my eyes and allowed my mind to wander as the sun's warmth heated my face.

I thought back to when I first met Nagisa – 'Furukawa' at the time – at the bottom of the hill in front of the school. I smiled as I remembered her profile as she tried to convince herself to go to school. I remembered encouraging her, but I couldn't remember what exactly I'd said to her.

I thought of her as the Evil Drama Club President…though she was never very good at the 'Evil' part.

I thought about all the times that we spent together as a group, going on picnics and other outings, getting the material for Kotomi's dress...

"Tomoya-kun…?"

I stood before an enormous dam with water trickling from beneath it, and somehow I know that this dam was holding back my feelings. I knew that on the other side of that dam was the pain of losing such a good friend, that if that dam broke the muddied water would flow, out of control, until there was no more.

I made my way to a lever on the wall of the dam. I studied the lever for a brief moment before I reached out, pulled it, and stood in the path of the onrushing water and fell into Kotomi's lap and cried my heart out.