Chapter Twenty-Four: Pastoral Counseling

Pastor Ashton turned out to be a really neat guy. Pops was right that his Japanese wasn't very good, but I got the impression that the guy was really trying to learn and understand. He knew enough of the language to give what sounded like a good sermon, and I found myself wondering what he thought about things. Maybe that was my philosophical side coming out.

"So!" he exclaimed as Kotomi and I sat down across from him. "I understand congratulations are in order!" At my puzzled expression he continued. "The Furukawas have told me that you're getting married."

"Yes, sir," I replied. "I'm embarrassed to admit this, but we forgot to get a minister for our wedding, and they told us to talk to you."

"Well, that was kind of them," he said. "They haven't been here many times, but…well, when's your wedding?"

"June 15th."

His smile froze. "That's…not a lot of time."

"No it isn't," I acknowledged, "so I understand if you're not available-"

"Whoa, there!" he said as he held up a hand. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves." He leaned back in his chair. "June 15th is a Sunday, isn't it?"

"It is," Kotomi offered.

"That might work out, then…" He stroked his chin. "What time did you have in mind?"

Crap. "We…don't have a time…do we?" I looked over to Kotomi, who shook her head with a look of shame.

I looked back to Pastor Ashton in time to catch him looking back and forth between us. "Are you two trying to do this by yourselves?"

I blinked as I realized that he was right; other than Kyou, Fujibayashi, and Nagisa, we didn't have any real help. It was true that we had managed to take care of the suit, her dress, and the decorations, but as far as planning… "I didn't realize it until just now, but yeah, we've basically been doing it ourselves." I looked over to Kotomi. "It doesn't help that Nagisa died, either; we've been dealing with that loss."

"The Furukawas' daughter, right?" he asked. When I nodded he said, "That was a real shame. She was such a sweet girl. So, she was a friend of yours?"

"A very dear friend," Kotomi said. "I miss her terribly. It has been hard for Tomoya-kun because she was in lo-"

"AH!" I cried, waving my hands in a panic. "That…he doesn't…"

Pastor gave me a sad smile. "Was she in love with you…? I'm sorry, I just realized that I didn't get your names."

"Okazaki Tomoya, and this is Ichinose Kotomi." I let my head flop down before nodding dejectedly. "She was."

"Did she ever tell you?"

"Shortly before she died."

I heard a sympathetic sigh. "I'm so sorry, Okazaki-san; that must have been difficult for you." I looked up to see him gazing at me with compassion. "I hope you don't blame yourself for her death."

I closed my eyes. "I do, kinda."

"Tomoya-kun, her parents-"

"I know, Kotomi-chan," I interrupted, "we've talked about this before, but I can't help it; she basically dies from stress after holding in her feelings for so long." I smacked my hands against my legs. "I've tried convincing myself, but…"

"Ichinose-san, we can tell him over and over again that it's not his fault, but he's having to deal with a strong sense of guilt," he said to Kotomi. "Yes, it is logical that he should not feel responsible for her death, but the fact of the matter is that he does. So, logic dictates that we factor that in rather than trying to discredit his feelings."

I heard a gasp and, alarmed, looked over to my fiancée. "Kotomi-chan; you okay?"

Kotomi had frozen in place, jaw dropped. I watched as tears started to form in her eyes. Finally she looked over at me. "Tomoya-kun, I am so sorry! I had not realized…I…I have been hurting you…"

"It's okay," I said, trying to comfort her. "You didn't mean-"

"It is not okay!" she insisted. "Instead of accepting how you feel, I have been trying to tell you how to feel!"

I had no idea what to say as she started to cry, and looked to Pastor Ashton for…something.

"She needs you to forgive her," he said matter-of-factly.

Was it really that easy? All I needed to do was forgive her? It felt weird. We Japanese apologized enough, sure, but…forgiving? Do we really do that? "K-Kotomi-chan…?" As she looked over to me, still crying, it struck me; usually when she was crying she would reach out for me, but this time she stayed where she was. In her chair.

Alone.

I couldn't accept that.

"Kotomi-chan, please don't cry," I said.

"Are you telling her to deny her feelings, now?"

I gasped as the pastor's voice cut me to my very core. He was right; what I had said could easily lead to her shoving down her feelings, and I didn't want that. "Okay, keep crying if you need to, but please listen to me."

She simply nodded and let me take her hands.

I closed my eyes and opened my heart. "What you said did hurt me, but I understand that you were trying to help me. I know you care about me a lot." After opening my eyes again I told her: "I forgive you. Please don't beat yourself up over this." I gave her a lopsided smile. "Leave the self-loathing to me."

I was afraid she wouldn't get my joke, so I was happy to see chuckles sputter through her tears. "Th-Thank you, Tomoya-kun, but…it hurts to hear you hurting yourself over this." She had calmed down quite a bit, and she let go of one of my hands to wipe at her eyes. "Nagisa-chan chose to keep it to herself so, as much as I do not want to say this…it was her own fault."

I glanced over at Pastor Ashton, who simply flashed me a smile as if to say go on, you've got this.

I gnawed briefly on my lower lip. "I guess it's easier to blame myself since if I'm responsible then I should be able to do something about it."

"Not an enviable position you've put yourself in," the pastor observed.

"Yeah," I agreed with a chuckle. "I guess…I just need to let her go. Maybe there was something I could have done, but seeing it in hindsight doesn't do anything…other than give me something to learn from, I guess," I finished as I exchanged smiles with Kotomi.

The creak of Pastor Ashton's chair drew our attention, and we looked over to see him leaning toward us. "You seem like really neat kids, and I'd like to help you two as much as I can, so why don't you tell me more about yourselves, a little bit of your history together as well as before you met?"

Kotomi and I spent the rest of the afternoon telling our life stories, while dealing with some hurts along the way. All in all, I think meeting with the pastor was good for us.