Chapter 30 Truth Revealed
Kara held the little girl on her lap throughout the flight on the Raptor. The small ship was crammed to the maximum weight and the ride was rough as they were buffeted by flack and evasive maneuvers. It made conversation all but impossible and Kara was thankful as she tried to gathered her scattered thoughts into a coherent story to tell the Admiral.
She had missed him so much, and she needed…
Frak, she didn't know exactly what she needed, just that she had to speak with Old Man, maybe feel his reassuring arms about her again. And she was both excited and scared at the prospect of introducing him to Kacey. She knew the blonde cherub would have him charmed in no time, and yet…she couldn't completely shove aside the fear of how he'd react when he learned that she had a hybrid child. Her stomach lurched and Kara knew it wasn't due to the rushed landing, the Raptor pilot had done a good job of getting them docked fast and smooth.
Taking a bracing breath, she exited the ship, setting Kacey on the wing while she stepped down, then lifting her again and turning to Tyrol as he directed the refugees. The man met her gaze and they exchanged a smile in greeting that there hadn't been time for before.
Moving closer, Tyrol lightly asked, "And who is this," giving Kacey a grin.
"This is Kac—" she was interrupted as one of the refugee women suddenly rushed forward.
"Kacey? Kacey! Oh my little girl," the woman exclaimed. Kacey reached for the strange woman and was plucked from Kara's arms. As the woman vigorously hugged the blonde bundle, she said, "Mommy missed you so much!"
Turning to Kara, oblivious to her confusion, the woman thanked her repeatedly, sniffing back tears as she explained that the Cylons had taken Kacey weeks ago. With a last 'bless you' she turned and walked away with her giggling child held securely in her arms.
As Kacey and her real mother disappeared into the crowd, they took with them the strut Kara had used to bolster her crumbling psyche. As the shocking realization that Leoben had lied hit her, she could feel the disintegration that had started four months ago begin to cascade as her identity as a mom was shattered and the shards of the lie sliced at the threads she'd clung to since Sam's death.
How frakkin' stupid was she to believe anything the skin-job told her? Just another of Leoben's mind-games. Of course, she wasn't anyone's mother. Someone like her shouldn't even be allowed within ten feet of a kid. Each successive thought struck at Kara like a physical blow, and she stumbled back against the wing of the Raptor for support.
As a few people began calling out 'Adama', Kara raised lost eyes to see the Admiral being hoisted onto the shoulders of a couple of crewmembers. Across the distance their eyes locked and she wanted more than anything to feel him stroke her bangs aside and tell her it was all going to be ok now. But he broke the connection without even a smile of acknowledgement. Instead, he looked around, obviously embarrassed by the chanting as it became louder, echoing across the flight deck,
She turned aside then, the Admiral's rebuff snapping the last of her control. Pushing against the tide of people, Kara felt her heart racing and had trouble breathing with the crowd pressing in on her. Head down, biting her lip, she fought the urge to scream curses at those about her as she shoved through the masses. Her stomach twisted as the rising noise crashed against her ears. Finally breaking free from the cheering mob, her breaths coming in short gasps, she lengthened her strides, breaking into a jog, then a full sprint, desperate to get away.
Hardly noticing where she was running, she made her way further into the bay, into the deserted storage area where crates and boxes, stacked five rows deep and several high, lined the walls. All the general storage, spare parts and extra munitions were crammed into this section of Galactica's massive hold.
As her vision blurred, Kara's steps faltered and she bumped the corner of one of the crates. Reaching out with a shaking hand, she stopped to catch her breath and balance. She looked about her with a little more coherence and saw the crate she was leaning against was at the head of a row of similar boxes. Moving into the narrow aisle between the crates, she slunk out of sight from the crowd beyond and shuffled forward, just seeking privacy.
Ahead, and to one side, a darker shadow drew her attention. The shadow resolved into a space formed between two crates that had been poorly stacked, with a third perched on top of the pair to form a five-foot deep by four-foot wide niche. Bending downward, she squinted into the dim recess, then dropped to her knees to crawl forward and turned to sit with her back braced against one crate and bracketed on each side by the others. The near darkness, silence and close confines were comfortingly familiar, like that in her Viper when flowing through deep space.
She needed this, this separation, some time to patch together the tattered remains of herself. After months of isolation and torture, the crush of people was more than she could take on the heels of Kacey's loss. People would be expecting the same Starbuck that had left Galactica more than a year ago. If they discovered that that person no longer existed, there'd be questions. They'd expect answers. Answers she couldn't face.
Drawing her legs up, Kara Thrace lowered her head to her knees and strove again to stuff down the feelings and memories of the past months.
What other choice did she have?