Written In The Body

Poetheather

A/N: There will be a number of mature things discussed including torture, same sex relationships, violence and others… you have been warned.

A/N 2: This is the revised version. Enjoy.

This is a work of fiction using the characters created by J.K. Rowling. They are not used with her permission. All actions follow the events of book six of the series. Any similarity between any person living or dead is purely coincidental and unintentional. If you happen to find your life reflected in this piece I'll be impressed.

Three

It had been about a month since she had last seen him and a lot had changed for her in that time. There were things that she wasn't sure that she could put into words but she knew she was going to have to try at some point. If this hadn't been an urgent call by Harry she wasn't sure if she was even ready to see him or anyone else for that matter yet. Yes she was ready to make changes in her life and was going through with the few she had already come up with but letting other people know about them… she was still working on that part of things. She was uneasy about how others would react to her, since was not the same woman who had left England to go find her parents. If only her mother would stop laughing about that the whole process it would make everything easier.

Needless to say her parents had been a bit irate at her for wiping their memories last year and sending them away to Australia but once she had sat them down and explained the full scope of matters they understood her reasoning. She had never really clued them in on just how bad things had gotten in the wizarding world and the details had been a terrible shock. Once that had been accomplished, and a little sightseeing and shopping had been done, they had been ready to leave Australia, as her parents had been of the opinion that it might be a good place to visit for holiday neither really wanted to live there on a permanent basis. They were far too partial to England and there were too many tiny reasons to want to leave.

And so Hermione had spent a lot of time explaining to her parents all about the war and things she hadn't told them because she had been afraid they would worry and keep her out of school. They were not happy when they learned about the full scope of what had been going on in the magical world and the war against Voldemort but were quite relieved to hear that it was over. She had done a lot of apologizing, a lot of apologizing and spent a great deal of family time simply reconnecting to a family she had dearly missed. There had been so much about the last several years that had worked to try and drive them apart. She hated that and this coming back together was so wonderful. Her mother had taken her to a salon when she wanted a change in her look to get her hair cut. Her mother had also taken her shopping several times when she indicated that she wanted to change her the way she dressed some. There were also trips with her father as well so that he wouldn't feel left out and they could get back to being as close as they once had been. There was no doubt that her family was quite involved in the changes that were occurring in her life and that brought them together. Even though her father was bemused that Hermione was worried about seeing anyone from the magical world as her life changed more, her mother just laughed at the irony. And in all honesty, Hermione did as well. She knew she was being ridiculous.

However it was Harry who had sent a message to her and if he needed her assistance than there was no way that she would ever let him down. No matter what changes she made in her life that one would never change. Over the years they had become as close as siblings and were always there for the other. So despite her overwhelming urge to just stay at home and hide so she would not see anybody just yet, she knew that she had to do this at some point. And the more she thought about it the more she realized that Harry would probably be the best first person to tell as his response would be the most relaxed and happy for her. Harry had always treated her well and had always looked out for her. Maybe this wouldn't be nearly as bad as she feared, at least that was her hope.

With that she found herself mounting the steps and knocking on the door of number 12 Grimmauld Place in early June with some trepidation. Her thoughts were awhirl as part of her was dreading this and part of her was looking forward to this. She had missed Harry, as it had been a few years since she had been apart from him for this long at a stretch. She did not have to wait long as Kreacher opened the door and saw her. Hermione knew something was wrong when she noticed that the house elf actually looked a bit pleased to see her. What could be going on that was worrying Kreacher so much that he was glad she was there? "Master Harry has been expecting you."

"Thank you Kreacher. How have you been doing?" she asked politely, wanting to be friendly towards the normally grumpy house elf. That way she might be able to get some clues as to this feeling of dread that was growing was an added bonus.

"Kreacher is fine. This way." He brusquely ended things and turned, leading her with some haste back inside. She was a bit frustrated at not getting more information but it wasn't like she was going to have to wait long to see Harry.

Hermione noted that the house had not really been changed very much from the last time they had been here. It was still dark and gloomy, still fairly dirty all things considered and it made her frown. It had to be a very depressing place to stay and certainly not helpful for whatever it was that Harry was dealing with. She understood why Harry was staying here but to not change anything in the month she had been away? How could Harry stand to live like this? She knew that given things from growing up, he preferred things to be clean so this had to be problematic. What was going on?

Walking into the living room, she spotted Harry fairly quickly where he was huddled on the sofa, clasping his knees, rocking slightly, but he really did not look alright. It looked like he had not shaved in a while and had somewhat of a patchy beard growth that when combined with his wild and apparently unwashed hair made him look like he had mange. His clothes also looked filthy and slept in. He looked like some sort of street person, or almost as bad a Sirius did the first time they had seen him only not as emaciated. She gasped in shock at the sight, making Harry look up. "Harry!"

He started and began going for his wand before he realized that it was Hermione standing there. Once he realized that he sighed and relaxed again, lowering his head to his knees, groaning. His hands were trembling and his voice shook heavily as he said, "Hi Hermione."

She rushed over and looked down at him, looking to see if there were any obvious injuries. There had to be something wrong for him to be like this. "Harry, are you okay? What's happened to you?"

He looked up at her, his eyes filled with thanks and something else. Then when he got a better look at her he cocked his head as he took in her appearance, from her slightly shorter than collar length hair to her somewhat more feminine clothes and nice boots. His eyes widened some as he took this all in and he said, "Uhm… wow Hermione you… you look…"

Hermione blushed lightly a little, her hand going to her hair as she nervously asked, "What?"

"It's nice, really nice. Different but nice." Harry gave her a faint smile that barely touched his eyes. He was troubled but there was a new glimpse of life in them that hadn't been there when she had first seen him.

Blushing more, Hermione grinned and said, "Thank you. I felt like I needed a bit of a change after all of this and so I did a few things. You… well, you certainly have changed as well."

Harry rolled his eyes and shook his head ruefully, "I look ruddy awful you mean. I know."

"So this isn't some sort of lifestyle change?" lightly teased Hermione.

A surprised bark of laughter came out of Harry when she said that, "Oh Merlin Hermione… I missed you."

"I missed you too Harry. I know I didn't see much of you when I spent a week with Ginny, helping her deal with Fred being gone, and then I only saw you briefly at the funeral. And then I went and got my parents without anyone's help. Sorry about that. I know you would have been happy to help. But since then, my family and I have all sat down several times and talked about everything that has gone on the last couple of years. That was not a comfortable conversation and I got yelled at a bit. I told them of my decision to go back to finish my seventh year and I guess this would be me telling you. It's been pretty crazy lately." She noted that he winced some when she mentioned Ginny's name. What was up with that? This was supposed to be their happily ever after. "I take it then that you haven't seen Ginny in a while?"

He shook his head sadly and looked down at the floor. She could tell that there was some color in his cheeks. There was something in his voice that she wasn't able to pin down. "No I haven't. I haven't really seen anyone. You are the first person I have let into the house or been around in two weeks. I haven't even answered any owls either. Mostly I have been on this couch, too worried to move. I realized yesterday that I needed… well, I needed help so I sent something to you. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. So thank you for coming I really need your help."

"Oh Harry…" Hermione's heart went out to him. It was clear to her that he was hurting a lot and was at a complete loss. She was wondering what was going on. Why was he in this state?

"I can't… I just can't Hermione… I… I just can't." Harry's voice trailed off at the end, unsure what to say. He seemed really troubled and a bit shaky. He seemed to be rocking slightly again.

Hermione stood there a moment, trying to figure this out. What exactly was going on with Harry that he was this upset? Why was he acting this way? "Have you told her?"

"Ginny? What? Told her that I'm a complete nutter who's currently afraid to go outside and jumps at loud noises and attacks them?" countered Harry, growing somewhat irate, eyes scanning the room.

"Harry!" protested Hermione, quite irritated with him and the way he was describing himself.

"It's true Hermione. It really is. Two weeks ago I went out, you know just down to the local pub to get something different to eat and that was the last time I went out just so you know. I heard a noise, I don't even know what it was for sure, maybe it was a car backfiring, maybe it was a trash can falling, I don't even know, but whatever it was it was loud and startling. Next thing I know I had my wand out and I started firing spells in that direction wildly before I disapparated away. I… I don't even really know what happened back there Hermione. I fired of Reductos and even a Sectumsempra. That scares me, that I reacted like that. I'm almost as bad as Madeye was, with how jumpy I am. I really am. I… I'm not really fit to be around anyone unless I know, really know I'm safe and even then I am not that good. I am always so vigilant that I'm not sure I can relax. I can't and I won't subject Ginny to that. I won't subject anybody to that." Harry rocked himself as he spoke, searching for some sort of comfort, his eyes never really stopping in one place, mostly checking entrances and corners. Hermione moved out of his sight line of the doors, just for safety reasons. She could tell that it made him feel more relaxed.

"So what is it that you want me to do? I suppose you owled me here for a reason?" Hermione already had a good idea of what it might be, given the state that Harry was in but she needed to hear it for herself. Just going off supposition was a terrible way to do anything and led to misunderstanding. This was one of those situations where she really wanted to know exactly what was wanted from her before she started compulsively helping like she usually did.

Harry looked down at the dirty carpet, seeming rather sheepish and all the world like a worried little boy. She wasn't sure that she could understand given things. "Uhm… I know this is not the best way to do this and it is a terrible imposition to you and you really have no reason to say yes to this but… uhm… could you maybe tell her what is going on and that I… I can't resume our relationship because of it? I know that this is bad but I'm afraid of going out and I don't want to hurt her. Right now I'm not good for anyone, not even myself."

Hermione rolled her eyes, asking for patience from the boys she knew so very well. So it was what she had thought and as usual one of them wanted her to fix the problem that they found themselves in. She could say no to his request but she had to admit that he really was adorable when he looked like that, all pitiful and desperate, however his condition had to change. This would simply not be tolerated. No if she was going to do his dirty work and contribute to breaking Ginny's heart again than she was going to ensure that he was no longer going to be filthy. It was the least she could do for Harry and herself. He needed a swift kick in his pants to get him moving and she loved him enough to do what had to be done. "Certainly Harry, I should be able to do that for you, however it's under one condition."

"Anything Hermione, anything you want. You are a life saver." Harry looked quite relieved, almost sounding near tears. He really had to be at the ragged end of things to sound this bad.

"Right. Then you need to hop upstairs, take a shower and put on some clean clothes. Honestly Harry James Potter, I know you feel terrible about things and jumpy but this house is under a bloody Fidelius Charm! You can also cast protective spells on several doors if you are worried about people making it inside. Kreacher can warn you of intruders if need be and you can take your damn wand into the shower with you. You have no damn excuse to be a filthy slob!" She snapped, glaring at him.

Harry flinched under the onslaught, startled by her cursing and meekly replied, "Yes Hermione."

"Now march upstairs and get that done. Go! Now!" She stood and pointed in the direction of the stairs, clearly brooking no argument from him.

Harry raced upstairs as if Snatchers were after him and Hermione just snickered at the sight once he was gone. Clearly she still had her Prefect voice down pretty well despite not having used it for a whole year. Perhaps some things never really faded. Besides, she had to admit that she had the boys trained pretty well for the most part, despite everything that had happened. Between Molly and her they just reacted to that tone quite well. Shaking her head in amusement, it was time to move on from this. She called out politely, "Kreacher?"

"Yes?" The old house elf walked in to the room. He looked around, seeming pleased to see her alone. "Master Harry is not here? He is bathing? Good. What can Kreacher get you?"

"Could you get me some tea please? Thank you Kreacher." Hermione was trying to think about the problem that Harry was presenting, trying to match it to symptoms that she was familiar with. Over her summers she had read a lot of muggle books, trying to keep up her knowledge base in both worlds, knowing it to be useful. This problem sounded so familiar to her. She knew she had read about this before but she needed more to narrow this down before she could positively identify it. Maybe she could get more information from Harry?

After a moderately short while, Harry came back downstairs walking slowly in bare feet in different clothes, his hair still wet, and clean shaven. The difference was very marked and pleasant. He was clearly embarrassed by everything and shrugged as he said, "Sorry Hermione."

"It's okay Harry. I know things have been tough lately but you just need to take better care of yourself. It won't help matters if you got sick on top of everything else. So tell me what has been going on." She said with a comforting smile, inviting him to talk.

He seemed a bit reluctant to speak, which Hermione could sort of understand. Then he looked away from her and started talking, "Ever since I killed Voldemort and this whole thing finished, I have been having trouble sleeping. I keep having nightmares where I wake up screaming, not every night but often enough. I keep thinking about that moment in the clearing, just before the Avada Kadavra hit me, how lost and hopeless I felt. Instead of coming back I just died. Or I dream I come back and Mrs. Malfoy gives me up to Voldemort and I get hit with a Cruciatus before he kills me again. Sometimes I get to the battle and I watch you and Ron die before he kills me. All the things that could have gone wrong keep running through my head and it scares me. I am tense and nervous all the time. I am worried about things, worried about being attacked, that we didn't get all the Death Eaters. The day will be going along fine and then I'll be in a kind of… I don't know… waking dream or something where I am back there, in one of the battles or worse when I am there in the Forbidden Forest just before he kills me. You know about the jumpy and on edge. I… I just don't know what to do. I think I'm going crazy Hermione." Harry looked at the far wall when he quietly said this, not really seeing her, lost in some other place and time.

She was just nodding her head along with him, as all of this was making so much sense to her. What he was describing was falling into place with something she knew about and more and more was worried she herself had, but clearly to a lesser degree than what he was describing. "Harry, I think you are talking about is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I can honestly say that I am not surprised. After everything you have been through all these years I am surprised that you have not gotten it sooner. Maybe you have, I'm not sure. I think you need to see a healer, to see if they can deal with this sort of thing in the magical world. And if there is no one at St. Mungo's who can help you cope with this we can get you a muggle therapist. You just describe it to them as combat trauma, disguise the magic and make yourself look older with a simple spell or aging potion. But you need to get treatment so you can get better."

Harry sighed, almost in relief. "You're right. I just… I feel weak for letting this get to me, like I'm letting myself and everyone else down."

"Am I weak for still having nightmares and occasional flashbacks about my torture? Or about the Ministry? Or the Battle at Hogwarts? Is that what you are saying Harry?" asked Hermione pointedly, not giving him any room to deflect this.

Harry blanched some, afraid he had offended her. He swallowed nervously before answering, "Uh… that's not what I meant Hermione."

"But that is what you said. If you are weak for that, than I must be weak for this, right? I mean, they are basically the same thing." followed up Hermione, one eyebrow raised in question, refusing to let go of this point.

"Forget I said anything." backpedaled Harry. "I'll go and find someone to help me deal with this. I promise."

"Thank you Harry." Hermione smiled in relief. Trying to get Harry to do something was difficult but not nearly as getting Ron to do something.

"Are you seeing someone? You know, to help with this?" Harry was clearly curious about what she was doing to deal with all of this on her end of things.

"Well, Fleur was a great help to me right after it happened. We spoke daily about everything and she helped me settle things enough to move on so we could keep going. Luna helped as well, believe it or not. It was really enjoyable to talk to her. I did speak to someone for the last few weeks in Australia about my nightmares, but I only told them it was about a scary accident I had where I got hurt, since it was a muggle therapist and they wouldn't understand. That has been somewhat helpful as they helped me start the process. Now that I am more settled here, I might just join you in the quest to see if there is someone at St. Mungo's who can treat this." With a smile, Hermione answered him.

Harry smiled weakly at that. "That's great. Thank you so much Hermione. I knew that you more so than anybody else would be able to help me. That's why I called you, knowing you could help fix this. So, how about you and Ron? How's that going?"

She sighed heavily and shook her head. This, back to this. "That relationship is simply not going to work. The more I've thought about it the more I'm sure that's true. What I told him before we went to Gringotts still holds true. I just don't see him in a romantic manner and the precludes a relationship. There are too many differences between us and those differences would keep us apart and ruin any chance we might have."

"I thought opposites attract?" asked Harry somewhat confused.

"Well yes that's true, to a degree, but for a lasting and strong relationship you actually need something to base it on and we really did not have anything for that. We did not have enough things in common for that to happen. You have to admit that we argue more than anything else and not in a good way. I did not enjoy the prospect of being part of a couple that bickered all the time. Those kind of couples always seem to be mocked. So, just no. It would only hurt Ron and I in the long run and probably destroy our friendship forever." Hermione made sure that this was said with a note of finality, so that Harry would be able to let Ron know that there was no changing her mind if, and not when he asked Harry what he thought. She had no ambivalence about that even if it made her a bit sad.

Harry nodded, as if he had been expecting that particular answer, not that he was happy about it. "Well, I can't say that I'm surprised about that. I always imagined you with someone who was at least comfortable with the Library and Ron never really was. I guess you would need someone who fits your life more. So is there anyone you have your eye on?"

Hermione thought about her dream, that she had still been having off and on, well more on than off lately, which she had been able to get a few more details out of but nothing that was able to help her out more with identifying who it could possibly be about. All she had detail wise was red hair and not even a length, a warm smile, welcoming arms that were strong, and now, most recently she had seen freckles. That really did not narrow things down very much as it could still describe pretty much all of the Weasleys that she had met and even a few other redheads she had encountered. She shrugged, "No. There is no one at the moment but maybe there is the dream of someone. I just know I am not going to give up on love or anything else and I know that I am going to chase what I want no matter what."

Harry blinked a few times when he heard that declaration and looked more closely at her, almost as if he were seeing her for the first time. "No matter what? Really? Who are you and what have you done with Hermione? Don't you mean so long as it doesn't break the rules or something?"

"Very funny Harry." Hermione said dryly, quirking an eyebrow. "No I meant exactly what I said."

"No, I mean it Hermione, you really seem different somehow. Between how you look and that… this attitude you seem to have, wow. I mean before you would do a lot as long as it wouldn't break too many rules but now, that's certainly a statement coming from you." remarked Harry.

Hermione looked down at her left forearm where the scar was still slightly red in her flesh, the scar that was still clearly visible after months of healing, the scar that meant so much more to her than the word itself meant, the scar that gave her drive to become more than she ever was before just to show all those Pureblood idiots how wrong they were. She glanced back at Harry with a somewhat determined look on her face, "Yeah. Yeah I am."

Harry looked somewhat confused for a moment and then realization dawned on him. He glanced at her arm and then back at her face, looking at her with concern and care. "How much did that whole thing change you?"

"What? Oh… yes the scar. Well, when this was happening I realized I was living up to other people's ideas of me, how they saw me, what they wanted of me, and not what I wanted. Bellatrix was literally trying to write who she wanted me to be into my skin. I told myself that if I survived that only I would be allowed to write my life from then on, no one else. And I have been trying to live up to that vow ever since," explained Hermione, happy to share it with Harry. This was important to her and sharing that with him made sense. There was no one else she could imagine sharing this with as she knew Harry would understand.

Harry grinned broadly at her. "I think that's brilliant. Yeah, if that's what you feel is best, do that. I just want you to be happy. After everything we've gone through I think you really deserve what happiness you can get. What a great way to turn that terrible thing around Hermione."

"I want you to be happy as well Harry." said Hermione, clearly still worried about him. "You've earned it as well, more so than me."

"I am working on it Hermione, I really am. And I promise, I will check on St. Mungo's to see if there is anything they can do for me." Harry's smile was a bit faint but it was there.

"Thank you. And if they don't have anything I will help you find someone in the muggle community." said Hermione with a smile.

"Thank you Hermione. And I hope you find that dream of yours." He grinned at her and winked.

She blushed and shook her head. "Honestly Harry."

Harry laughed at the look on her face, the first real laugh he had had in a while.

Hermione smiled to herself. It looked like things with Harry were not quite as bad as she had feared, if he was able to tease her than he was not completely gone. This was a good thing. Maybe she would not need to call out the big guns and drag Molly over here to deal with him. That would certainly fix things for Harry, but it was certainly more force than matters called for. No matters were likely settled, at least for now. Besides, if she turned Molly loose on him, Harry might not forgive her for doing that, at least not for a while. "Well, I should get going. I was going to do some things with my family later today. I will go talk to Ginny for you tomorrow so that will be taken care of. Do you want me to tell the rest of the Weasleys about all of this as well?"

"Could you? I have no idea what to say to them at this point." Harry sounded a bit lost again.

"Certainly Harry, but when I do, expect Molly to come rushing over. You know how she is." stated Hermione with a bit of a smile.

"Uhm… on second thought, maybe I should reconsider?"

"Honestly Harry." snickered Hermione.