So that's what I call an early update :) This is my favorite chapter so far so I can't hold it anymore I have to share it with you. I'm really curious about your opinion.

Two days passed since Sheldon's visit. Ever since they didn't contact at all. Amy went to work as always and tried to focus. At night she tried to fall asleep but she couldn't. She was rolling from one side to the other to get herself comfortable in her bed. As she did, she found herself lying on his back with her hand on her stomach. She didn't put it there ever since she realised she was pregnant. It felt the same as usual but somehow different at the same time. Just because she knew that something happened inside. Someone was inside her. She stroke her belly gently and she started speaking automatically.

"So you're about to have a really short life, little monkey. And you'll spend all of it in my uterus. I hope I'm better on the inside. On the outside I feel pretty awful. " she said but as the words left her mouth she started to panic. She sat up immediately.

" It's just a fetus. It's not a baby. Not even a fetus, an embryo. An embryo. Just an embryo. It will never become a baby" she kept repeating that.

"I think I'm starting to get crazy. I'm talking to myself." she thought as she layed back. But it just felt so right. It felt more right than anything that happened in the past two weeks. She decided maybe if it was just for tonight and she talked everything out of her, it would be easier to let it go. She put her hand back on her stomach. " Once, Fowler. Once! " she warned herself.

" So, hello there. You know, you'll maybe become an angel. I don't believe in angels, because my level of scientific education made me a materialist, but I don't rule anything out, and my beliefs really shouldn't bother you. So you'll become an angel. Or maybe if we're thinking about buddhism, you'll may have an other chance at life. If that's true you must have messed up your last time very much to end up like this... You know probably this will be for the best. It's pretty rough out here... Your brain is forming right know. So bad you won't be able to use it. You sure don't know, but based on your genetics you could have a pretty unique one. Yes, yes, your frontal lobe could turn out exquisite. I just... happen to know a lot about brains. But they are not that important. Not to you anyways... "

She paused.

"I'm sorry I won't keep you. "

Amy fell asleep that night with teardrops in her eyes but feeling a little bit better and definitely calmer than usual. The next day she went to work. Penny asked her to go out to grab a coffee together but she refused her offer. She was still somewhat ashamed of the conversation she had yesterday with herself and her ba.. embryo. Embryo. Embryo. Embryo. She repeted it again and again and texted back to Penny that she feels tired and just wants to get some sleep. So she went home, prepared herself a quick meal and read the newest number of Neuron. She felt sleepy early so she put on her pijamas way before 10 p.m. As she lay in her bed again and turned off the lights she started to hesitate. She remembered the promise she made to herself last night, but honestly she was waiting for this moment all day. She put her hand on her stomach again. " Last time, Fowler. " she said to herself.

" So what's up in there? Out here it's pretty much the same. Penny asked me today to have a coffee with her but I didn't feel like going. You'd love Penny if you had the chance to meet her. She is really funny and kind and beautiful. But you won't so let's not talk about her.

You know I'm pretty sure you already have a heart too, not just a brain.

It's not beating now, but it will be beating next week before we... Before you go to a better place. Or to nothing as I believe. But nothing is not bad. Maybe it's not good either. Nothing is just nothing. But you won't feel anything I promise. Your nervous system isn't developed enough to recognize pain or fear. I won't feel anything either, I'll be asleep. So there's nothing to be nervous about, okay? I'm happy at least I recognized you pretty early. This way it's easier for both of us. I have to say goodbye to you now really. It's not healthy for me talking to you this much since you know, you won't be around for a long a time. "

The next day went like the same, Penny offered her to meet her but she found an other lame excuse again and she went home to read papers and watch Little House on the Praire which always cheered her up. She was afraid if she'll go to bed, then she won't be able to resist the urge to talk to her embryo again, but she had to.

" Well, hello there, little mokey, I'm talking to you again. I hope you're okay with that since I said goodybe to you yesterday. I think I descended into madness as your fath... as Sheldon would say. Well, I don't want to talk about him. I'm wondering whether you have arms already. Maybe really little ones. I don't know why I like talking to you this much. I've read a lot of studies on the brain development and a lot of them said that it's proven that talking to a baby while pregnancy helps the development and the children who are treated like this have less cahnce of having learning problems or emotional problems. I don't know why I tell you all this, since for us, this really doesn't matter... I hope you liked Little House on the Prairie, that's a cute story anyway. Mommy loves it. "

She stopped talking the moment she realized what had just slipped out of her mouth. Mommy. She could become a mommy. She referred to herself as Mommy.

She texted Penny she needed to meet her for lunch, just the two of them, tomorrow. After that she lied down to her side and tried falling asleep.

Penny and she went to a crowded restaurant. As they ordered and theri waitress was gone, Penny looked at her worried.

" So what's up? "

" Penny, I think I'm doing something really stupid. " she whispered.

" What are you doing? " Penny asked

" I'm talking to it. "

" Talking to what? " Penny didn't understand.

" To it. To my bab.. embryo."

" Oh my God Amy, why do you do that? Did you change you mind?

" No. I can't raise it. I can't do it alone, I'm no parent material, I have a project running at work, and Sheldon is not trustworthy and he broke my heart. "

" Then jeez, Ames, why are you talking to it? "

" I don't know. It just... happened. Then I kind of got addicted to it. " she admitted.

" If you still want to do the surgery you have to stop this. Seriously. You are making your own life living hell. "

" I don't know. It calms me down. Am I crazy? "

" No, you're not. You just had some rough weeks. But next time accept my coffee invitations and talk to me instead, please. "

" I hope you won't mind if I ask, and you don't have to answer but have you never talked to it? " Amy asked whispering.

" No. I have never. I was already nine weeks when I realised. I told my parents on the tenth week. I had an early appointment only three days after that. "

" I see. Well I'll try to stop this. "

" Do or do not. There is no try. " said Penny quickly. " I mean oh my, I just quoted Star Wars in a real conversation. Oh God. The guys ruined me.

Amy laughed.

...

Later that evening Penny was at home with Leonard. Things have been a little tense between them ever since Penny told him about her past. They kept sleeping together but it meant only real sleeping in the las couple of days. As they were having their dinner silently Penny started to speak.

" I know, you're still mad at me keeping a secret from you for years, but I have to ask you something. "

" What is it? "

" You have to talk to Sheldon. About Amy. He should try to make it up to her at least once again. "

" Why? I thought you hate him and what he had done to Amy and you support Amy's decision."

" I supported it, for sure. But I don't think that's what she really wants. "

" What do you mean by that? "

" She is talking to it. " Penny whispered.

" Talking to what? " Leonard didn't get it the way Penny also didn't before.

" To the baby. She is talking to it. She says it calms her down. "

" Well, it sounds strange. She already has an appointment. "

" Yes, but I don't think she should go. Please, talk to Sheldon. Maybe he can help. Are you with me in this? " she asked looking at him hopefully.

" I am. But I'm surprised. You sounded like you thought abortion was the best option for her. "

" Well, I think the situation just brought up old things... And I reacted really harshly. And it clearly was the best option for me. But Amy is not me. She seems like she already loves that child. "

" Penny, I'm not mad at you. " Leonard said sighing.

" Aren't you? "

" No. I just don't know what to say. Your story made me very sad and angry. I figured you didn't want me to feel sorry for you. But I still do.

" Well, it was a long time ago. I'm not happy it happened the way it did, but... I may never got to know you if it never happened. I may have stayed in Omaha forever. "

" Wow, you are being romantic! " Leonard said wit enthusiasm.

" So will you talk to Sheldon? " Penny asked as she leaned in to kiss his husband.

" Of course. But it can wait. At least a little. "

...

At the same time Amy was struggling with her issues again. She knew she made a logical decision when she made that appointment and Penny was right that talking to it only will make it harder. So she decided maybe she could stroke her belly without saying a word, and it was her best attempt to remain silent, but she still failed.

" Hello, little monkey, I finally met Penny today. She told me I shouldn't talk to you anymore. She is right, but somehow talking to you makes me feel comfortable. Isn't it silly? So I threw up my lunch today. I guess you don't like onion rings. You're right not to like them, they are called junk food for a reason. I felt guilty I ate them... So I bought some pregnancy vitamines on my way home... "

She sighed.

"Maybe I'll have to think this all through again...

Would you want to live?

I know that every creature's most basic instinct is for survival. So I assume yes, but you can't answer me. This is pretty unfair, don't you think, that you can't decide, so it's all up to me?

The world out here is really big and messy. You could also end up alone in it, just like I did. And it looks like that you wouldn't have a father to live with us. I didn't have a father either, mine left when I was two... So you won't have any grandfathers at all, since Sheldon's dad passed away a long time ago. But you still can have grandmas. And as I already told you you'd probably turn out supersmart. But if you won't, I won't mind that either, I promise.

You also have to know that I wouldn't be a cool mom, as you must have recognized I'm pretty nerdy, kind of a loner and you can't see it now, but I clearly make terrible choices in fashion. But you would have Penny to teach you all the girly stuff you need. Or she is also better at manly stuff than anyone I know, so she could teach you that too if you'd turn out to be a boy... But you'd still have to put up with me and I'd talk to you a lot about brains and science, so maybe I'd make you bored all the time. Also I really like my work, so maybe you'd have a nanny to watch you and take care of you while I'm busy. Wouldn't you hate that?

I guess finally you should accept all this, little monkey. I don't think I'll be able to let you go. "

So this is it. As I said, I love this chapter very much, but it was a really challenging one to write. I think I've never wrote scenes this emotional or intimate before. Any thoughts on that?