AN: So I had this chapter planned…and it's more or less what I want it to be, it's just not enough like I want it to be for me to be really happy with it. Still, it's been just one of those days, so I'm going to go ahead and put it up as it is and move onward. I hope it's not terrible.
More to come at some point…not sure if I'm in the mood to get anymore out tonight, but I might try.
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Normally Carol looked forward to her days off. They came, here and there, depending on what was going on with the other workers at Lula's or at the Watering Hole. Sometimes she knew about them in advance, and sometimes they were a surprise. Today had been a surprise. Donna had some kind of wedding that she had to go to and Lula had called asking Carol to take the day off and come in for Donna when she had to go to the wedding. It wasn't a problem. Carol didn't mind switching days with some of the others when they needed it. They were good enough to do the same for her.
But today, for whatever reason, having the day off was almost making her nervous. She'd seen Daryl off to work at Hershel's, kissing him and walking him out to the truck with his lunch, and now she was killing a day. She'd offered to babysit for Michonne, still trying to work off legal fees that her friend seemed to be trying to ignore completely, but Michonne was taking the day off and going on some kind of "family adventure" with Tyreese and the girls. So that just left Carol alone in the house to fret about everything.
She felt like the knowledge that there was a baby growing inside of her now, a life that she was responsible for, made her not want to have days off. She wanted to be working all the time, knowing that she was making enough money to take care of the little thing like it should be taken care of.
They made enough money between the two of them to keep bills paid and have a little extra, but little was the key word. Carol knew the baby was going to need things. It was fine with her that the house was, for the most part, unfurnished. She could deal with the lack of material things, but she wasn't putting her baby in a cardboard box somewhere. She'd have to buy a crib at the very least.
And there would be diapers. Even if she used cloth diapers to try to save money, the baby was going to need some to get started. Her mind spun when she thought about it all. She didn't know everything that babies needed, but she knew they needed a lot of things.
Carol had been, since she started working, squirreling money away in a coffee can. The practice was something she'd begun simply to give her peace of mind. She'd figured that if she hid part of her money from herself and acted like it didn't exist, then she wouldn't go over her budget…and if she happened to go over it, there was something to keep her from crashing and burning. The coffee can had moved with her from the apartment, and she continued the act of squirreling away part of her tips there, pretending that she never earned them. Except now she considered the can almost like some kind of insurance policy for the baby.
Daryl didn't know about the coffee can hidden in the back of the cabinet, or at least Carol didn't think he knew about it. She hadn't told him about it. It wasn't that she didn't trust Daryl or that she thought he'd take the money, but she considered part of the reason that the coffee can plan worked was because it wasn't money that was seen often or talked about. It was out of mind other than the small piece of security that it offered.
Today, though, she drug the coffee can out and looked at the bills that were wadded up in there. She straightened them, sorted them, and folded them neatly, replacing them in the can and putting it back under the sink when she was done. Touching the money was somehow soothing. She didn't know how much a good crib would cost, but she felt like if she didn't have enough for one already, she soon would. Something safe. She wasn't putting her baby in a cardboard box, and she wasn't putting it in a hand me down crib for something terrible to happen.
And then there was the problem of the car. She and Daryl both had the trucks, but neither one was proper for a baby. She didn't even have a backseat for the baby to ride in. She was going to talk to Daryl soon about selling one of them to see if they could get a proper car…
Carol realized she was working herself into a tizzy worrying about everything they needed and everything that needed to be done, and she couldn't solve any of the problems today. The book she had showed her pictures and right now their baby, sadly enough, didn't even look like a baby. From the best she could tell from the drawing it looked like a worm or something. She knew that she had more than enough time to worry about all of this…to present it all to Daryl…but a day off just provided too much time to think about everything.
Carol finally decided that she wasn't going to think any more about what they didn't have. Not right now. Right now she was going to drag a towel out to the front yard and sit out there while Lincoln ran circles. She was going to read her baby book and she was going to try and focus on the baby…on what they did have.
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The neighborhood was fairly quiet. The sounds of construction were more than audible, but Carol could ignore them. They were the evidence that other people would have their little houses soon enough if they wanted them. Other than that, though, there were few people. The houses were still mostly empty so it wasn't exactly bustling with neighbors yet. In fact, Carol was certain she didn't have any neighbors.
The passing of cars, then drew Lincoln's attention and Carol's. She would glance up from her book and he would run back and forth along the fence line trying to look through it and see what was out there. Most of the passing vehicles, though, were simply through traffic. People going from here to there, and nothing to be alarmed about.
The rumble, though, of a motorcycled sent Lincoln into trying out his howl some and Carol glanced up, the sound drawing closer. She was surprised when it pulled into her drive and sailed right up to the side of the house where the small carport connected to the house and led to the side door.
Carol got up, keeping her book in her hand so that Lincoln didn't think it was a chew toy, and walked through the yard, letting herself out the side gate of the little fence to see what was going on. She hadn't made out who was on the motorcycle yet, and she wanted to know who the hell they were thinking they could just drive right up to her house like that without stopping to identify themselves.
Carol came under the little carport, which ironically didn't even have her truck parked under it, and found Merle there, standing next to the motorcycle. Carol stopped a minute, not knowing what to ask about first…the motorcycle or why Merle was under her carport.
"What is this?" Carol asked, finally.
Merle looked up from where he was examining the bike.
"Don't tell me ya ain't never seen a motorcycle, princess," Merle said. He reached in his back pocket and pulled out a handkerchief and went to picking at something on the bike.
Carol huffed a little.
"Merle, of course I've seen a motorcycle," she said. "What's it doing here, though, under my carport?"
Merle chuckled.
"I reckon it's waitin' on me ta make it purr like a kitten," Merle said. "Where's my brothah?"
"He's at work," Carol said. She walked over, resting her book on the step to go inside the house. "Shouldn't you be at work too?"
"I could be," Merle said, "but apparently like yaself I got me tha day off, an' I got me this here bike that T-Dog was sellin' for a right good price, so I reckon I got me a hobby."
Carol frowned.
"You think you're going to work on that thing here?" She asked.
Merle chuckled.
"That's why it's here. I can't 'xactly do much at them apartments. Parkin' lot ain't all that choice a place ta start breakin' down no bike," Merle said. "Even here in East Bumblefuck I reckon people'll pick up a piece or two of a bike if it's just layin' on the ground for tha takin'," Merle responded.
Carol shook her head.
"No! You're not taking that thing apart here!" She said. "I'm not having a motorcycle torn to pieces under my carport with you getting oil and grease and God knows what all over the place! What do you even intend to do with it?"
"I'ma drive it," Merle said. "Ya get them balls when ya took 'em from Daryl? Tryin' ta tell me I can't work here…ain't this s'posed ta be where tha hell Daryl lives too?"
"Yes it's his house too," Carol responded, ignoring Merle's comments about the locations of Daryl's balls, "but he'll agree with me on this."
"Reckon we'll just have ta see 'bout it," Merle said. "I know my brothah an' he's gon' want in on fixin' this bike much as I do. 'Sides, ya weren't raisin' no hell when he was bustin' his knuckles on that truck fer ya ass, so what'cha got 'gainst him helpin' me with some trans-por-tation?"
Merle drew the last part out, smiling and lighting a cigarette that he dug out of his back pocket. Carol studied him and studied the bike.
"I didn't know Daryl was fixing that truck for me," Carol said. "And he didn't do it here, under the carport."
"Don't get'cha panties bunched up," Merle said. "We'll clean up ya damn carport when we done with tha bike. Don't'cha be all worried 'bout that." He stood there smoking a moment, walking around the bike, and Carol went over and sat on the step, leaning against the side door. "Yeah…ya can pin him down with some kid, ya know, but'cha ain't gon' take tha Dixon outta Daryl."
Now it was Carol's turn to laugh.
"Oh no," she said. "I wouldn't want to take the mythological Dixon out of Daryl."
"He'll's that s'posed ta mean?" Merle asked.
"Come on, Merle," Carol said. "Be honest. All this Dixons do this mess and Dixons do that mess…it's just something you came up with to hide behind. A shield you put up to try to excuse yourself. Say what you really want to say, but don't hide behind that with me."
Merle stepped in front of her, regarding her as she sat on the step. He took a drag off his cigarette.
"Ya s'posed ta be some kinda head doctor now?" Merle asked with a chuckle. "'Cause last accounts I had ya weren't doin' nothin' but pushin' drinks down there at that bar with Andrea."
"Let me ask you something," Carol said. "Do you have something against me because I'm with your brother? You seemed to like me a lot more when I wasn't."
Merle chuckled.
"I don't like ya an' I don't dislike ya," Merle said. "I can take ya or leave ya."
"Because you don't care about anyone, right? Dixons don't care about anyone?" Carol asked.
"Ya got cocky, didn't'cha? Ya ran 'round them apartments 'fraid a' ya own shadow, but now that ya got'cha belly all full an' ya done gone an' drug Daryl out here, ya got kinda cocky," Merle said.
Carol smiled at him.
"How did it happen, Merle? What exactly was it that made you think that women's only interest in men was to trap them and somehow bring out the bad in them?" Carol asked.
"There ya go," Merle said.
"No…" Carol said. "I'm serious. I've always wanted to understand that. You see, that was Ed's mentality too. Maybe if I'd understood it, I could have figured out how to stop it or to counteract it or something. So tell me…how did it happen?"
"I ain't nothin' like Ed," Merle said. "I ain't put my hands on ya…not long as I can remember. An' I ain't never hit on Andrea neither."
Carol shook her head.
"No…there's that difference, but you're more like him than you think. I've heard you say things to Andrea…I've heard you say things to Daryl. Words can do as much damage as fists you know…sometimes more. Ed was the same way, though, always saying I trapped him into something…into being married to me. Always saying that I was the reason that he acted the way he acted. He only hit me because I didn't know how to act…you know what I mean, Merle?" Carol said.
"He ain't had no right ta hit'cha," Merle said. "I can't answer for the rest."
"But where did you start to think it, Merle? What makes you think I trapped Daryl? I didn't mean to get pregnant, but I'm not going to say that I'm not happy about it. I want this baby, and I'd want it even if Daryl didn't want to stay," Carol said. "And I love Daryl…just as he is. I'm not trying to change him. I mean, sure, we'll both change…as we spend time with each other, but I wouldn't change who Daryl is fundamentally, and I hope he wouldn't change me."
Merle grunted, but he didn't respond to Carol. He looked a little annoyed, and Carol didn't say anything when he dropped his cigarette and snubbed it out with his shoe instead of putting it in the bucket in the corner that Daryl was using as an ashtray.
"When tha fuck is Daryl s'posed ta be home?" Merle asked.
"Around six probably," Carol said. "That's when he normally gets home."
Merle looked around like he wasn't sure what to do.
"Do you think we could play a game, Merle?" Carol asked. "Sort of make a deal?"
Merle looked at her and knitted his eyebrows together.
"How about I let you work on that bike here, and I don't say anything to you or Daryl about the mess," Carol said.
"And?" Merle asked.
"You try…just try…to look at things from a different perspective for a bit. You try being nice to Andrea, and to me, and you try to understand that Daryl is here because he wants to be here, not because he feels like he has to be," Carol said. "Daryl wanted to come back before he knew about the baby, Merle…it wasn't about the baby."
"Ya ain't gon' know what I'm thinkin' an' what I ain't thinkin'," Merle said with a chuckle.
Carol shook her head.
"No, but you will," she said. "And I'd be willing to trust you."
"Ya ain't real damn smart, then," Merle said.
Carol smiled again.
"I think you can be trusted, Merle. And I think that if you tried to see things a different way…and maybe change, just a bit, the way you acted, you might find out you like it. You might even find out you were wrong all along," Carol said.
Carol thought to herself that maybe…just maybe…Merle's reasons for feeling like he did and thinking like he did came from what he had seen. She knew that Ed had seen a lot of the behavior from his father that he exercised with her, though Ed was more violent than his father had been. So perhaps Merle had interpreted whatever happened between his parents as being proof not only of his father's violence, but perhaps of his mother's actions as driving his father to act as he did.
Carol knew enough about Daryl's life to know it hadn't been pleasant. He didn't talk about it much, but every now and again some detail would slip out. She'd coax something out of him. She knew his parents were verbally and physically abusive…she knew they were neglectful…that was about all that she could gather. Somehow, though, Merle had processed things in a different way than Daryl.
Carol wondered if Merle's perspectives could change if he saw things a different way. Daryl wanted something different because he saw it was out there, and it looked good to him. Merle was afraid of what was different because he was afraid it was only shapes in the clouds…something that wasn't really there.
Andrea thought, and Carol agreed, that Merle was afraid of anything good, afraid to dream of anything good, because he feared that he would wake up one day and find out that it was really just a lie.
But if he she bit her tongue, if she allowed him to stay there, working on his motorcycle with Daryl, and she let him see that her so called snare for Daryl was actually something he liked…maybe Merle would begin to believe that everything wasn't just a hoax and that things could actually go well and stay that way.
It would be a good incentive, too, to try to work extra hard on their relationship. It could be good for them to be some kind of role models…even though she didn't really know if she and Daryl were fit for that since they seemed to barely hold it together most of the time. Knowing Merle was watching, though, and knowing they might make a difference for him...that could be just as good for them as it could be for Merle.
"Whatever makes ya happy, darlin'," Merle said. "I ain't gon' be no damn pansy ass…ya can get that outta ya head, but I reckon I can keep my mouth shut more often than not, just until I get this beauty like I want her."
He regarded her a moment more, looking her up and down and then smiling.
"Ya really think ya can keep ya lil' mouth shut tha whole time we workin' on it?" Merle asked with a snicker.
Carol smiled.
"I've had a lot of practice in my life keeping my mouth shut," Carol said. "At least this time it's for a noble cause."
"An' what cause is that, sugah?" Merle asked.
Carol smiled.
"The reformation of Merle Dixon," Carol said.
Merle shuffled his foot and sucked his teeth, the smirk not completely gone from his face.
"Ya think a whole lotta yaself, don't'cha darlin'?" He asked.
Carol smiled again.
"I didn't used to…but I'm starting to grow on me," Carol said. She reached her hand out to Merle. "Help me up. I'm going to call Andrea, invite her over to dinner. Then you can tell Daryl about your new ride."
Merle shook his head, but he did cross the carport and, taking her hand, helped Carol up from her seat.
She went inside, leaving him to make whatever mess he wanted until dinnertime. She'd cook something nice and one way or another, she and Daryl would prove to Merle Dixon that a good relationship wasn't just a trick with smoke and mirrors.