Thoughts: Italicized

Chapter 3: Approaches

6:03 p.m.

"I was reading a forum on my way here about psychological sexual tension; and I was intrigued by it" I freely spoke to the woman sitting in the chair in front of me. This was one of my daily therapy sessions with Ms. Taiko, or for what I call her, Ira. "The author in charge of it was explaining how sexual tension is like hypnotism caused by one, or each other. I only bring this up because there are times I feel like I'm in a trance when I'm going through these fantasies. B-But they're not caused by that guy I talk about! If it's a one-sided lust, then I must be playing psychological tricks on myself, right?" I told the blonde.

She took a moment to write onto her notepad, paused, then eyed me before saying, "Psychological confusion is usually result of someone having unresolved conflicts. In your case, that conflict may be you wanting to have a sexual encounter with this man. But because you can't, you're in sexual distress. Tension is only brought to the table when both people are in the same mindset. Though you shouldn't let the word Distress get to you. It's only a way of saying frustration." She calmly told me.

I trust Ira enough to be truthful about my current situation towards Satoshi; but not enough to tell her that he's my student. I'd lose my job in an instant if I told her that! I'd rather quit my job before I let that happen. That way I'll be able to have a clean record if I ever tried to work somewhere else. I silently nodded my head as I mumbled, "I see." I want to talk about so many things regarding him and the school, but I can't. I don't even want to risk talking about offering myself to him, cause I know she'll tell me not to. ... That kind of defeat the purpose of me having a therapist, now does it?

"Speaking on the topic of sexual matter; how many times have you thought about him today? Our goal is to minimize it as much as possible." Sitting her notepad to the side of her, she then folded her hands onto her lap and waited.

"Um" I paused for a brief second to think. "I believe it was four times so far. Once when I woke up, another as soon as I came to work. One more during my meeting. And the last one was right before I walked into your office. ... Like I was in the parkinglot sitting in my car fantasizing over him. I feel like I'm doing fine shrinking the amount of time I do it, but at the same time, I feel like each one is becoming more and more intense" I explained to her.

"Four? That's good so far, Maiyumi." Her red-coated lips curved into a small smile as she praised me. "Now when you say intense, what do you mean? You don't have to discuss every last one. You can explain the one you had right before you walked inside my office."

The one right before I walked in was totally ridiculous. I sighed and switched my gaze away from hers. "Okay. ... The last one terrified me ... I-in a good way. We were at my house, him and I, and he had me lay on my back on the coffee-table. ... There was only one light on in the room, and that was the small lamp by the T.V., so the room was dim. The atmosphere was at room-temperature, and yet I could feel myself get goosebumps. The vibe itself was ominous, but it fed me that taboo type of thrill." I stopped myself from talking so I could catch my breath. The more I began to recall the fantasy, the more I felt my heart thump against my chest. I so much as had to cross my legs to lower myself from getting horny right then and there.

"As far as I'm getting; this is in your living-room? Am I right?" She questioned.

Still refusing to give her eye-contact, I shyly nodded my head before I continued explaining. "I was wearing the same black-button-up as I did today. Same shirt, same pencil-skirt, but my hair wasn't clipped up. It was completely loose. ... He was at my side tying my wrists together, but after he was done tying them together, he pushed them above my head and began tying them against the table so I couldn't leave. His expression was so concentrated and flushed. He looked so seductive looking like he was going to attack me at any given moment. I-I felt like I was the animal he caught.

But the sound of his voice telling me to keep my eyes closed. I obeyed him and had done so, but nothing was done for three to five minutes. ... I thought it was a form of waiting, but that was till I felt the edge of my shirt get lifted up a tiny bit. But within a second, something smooth and cold began to slowly drag across my skin underneath my shirt. I-I was scared because I couldn't see what it was, and yet it was sliding across my stomach, to the edge of my bra, to between my breasts, and stopped at the neckline of my shirt. ... It stayed there for less than a minute before it violently jerked up and began to tear apart my shirt, down in the middle. I could hear the piece of metal clank against the wooden floor; letting me know he dropped it. His left hand grabbed the edge of my bra and pulley it down, as his right hand pushed my skirt up. ... And before he continued, I woke out of that daydream."

"That's quite interesting. This is the third time you've mentioned a scenario of being tied up like that. But the fact that you've mentioned, what I assume to be, a knife; it's making me question the possibility of you having a masochistic disorder. Each one of your fantasies, especially this one, shows signs of you taking pleasure in the act or thought of not being able to escape from your captor." She brought up.

"A-A masochist?! Does it look like I walk around begging strangers to uppercut me?" I retorted. The hell I am a masochist! That's freakin insane.

"Calm down, Maiyumi. I said that it was a possibility. Being a masochist isn't always sexual, it doesn't mean that you're strange, and it's an actual disorder with different ranges to it. I would have to refer you to the departments psychiatrist so we can run a diagnosis in-case you are one. But from what I can personally see, it may be a minor diagnosis of it. You probably have a higher chance of having EMD. Meaning; Emotional Masochist Disorder. It's when you do things knowing it'll either hurt you or that you can't have it. So it's basically putting yourself in a trap to hurting your own feelings. Get it?" She explained.

No matter which one it may be, I don't want Satoshi to find out that I might be a ... Masochist! My chances having him screw the living hell out of me is already thin! If he finds this out, or even gets suspicious of it, he'll never come to my class again. He won't even take his time out to be cruel to me! He'd just go to some other female teacher and treat her like a scum bag, while he fucks her across her desk afterschool instead of me! He would probably make her call him teacher instead! And will I be doing? Crying inside my living-room while eating a tray of brownies, reminiscing of the sex that I could've had if I wasn't some estranged masochist. ... I might as well start adopting cats and call it a life.

"Maiyumi, I know you're thinking of something you're not supposed to. You always make that bitter face when you're having negative thoughts. That, or you make a malicious smile." Her voice snapped me out of my thoughts, causing me to see her give me that look. The same look that lets me know that she caught me.

She knows me too well already. Enough to see through me and know that I'm thinking about my future being a sad cat-lady.

"No, it's just that the title of being something like that isn't something to be taken positively." I finally responded.

"You need to understand that it doesn't change your lifestyle. It's just a diagnosis. You're still going to wake up, eat, sleep, breath, and go to work the same as always whether you are one or not. You can't let that get to you. And it's up to you to tell people about that. Till then, I'm going to send you home for the day. We'll continue this conversation tomorrow. If you catch yourself thinking about that guy again, I want you to do something. Occupy yourself. The more you feed your desires; the more you turn into little monster." She lastly said.

With that, I grabbed my bag on the side of the couch and stood from my seat.

"I'll make sure to do that" The hell I will. My goal is to make him take my offer tomorrow. If he accepts, then I'll simply stop my therapy sessions. I'll be allowed to think of him as much as I want to if I'm his afterschool pet. "I'll see you tomorrow. "

I have to make sure I pick out the most provocative outfit for him tomorrow.

I have deal to make.