Author's Note: Here comes the angst! We're getting close to the end here, folks. Special thanks to my pal, AliceSloane13, for helping my with this chapter. I debated the title of this chapter for so long. In the end, i chose this. It's from Be Nice To Me by the Front Bottoms, which is a very fitting Nichorello song, imo. I hope you enjoy! Soundtrack: playlist?list=PLtJcZcvt9JqnqjE-CbPnUETegWxJYRxjO
WARNING: This chapter contains self-hate, mentions of withdrawal and drug use, and some dubiously consensual kissing.
Things are finally starting to look up. Nicky smiles as she works today. She's clean again, and out of withdrawal, finally. Took fucking long enough.
Still, she has Lorna to deal with. No. Not deal with. That's too harsh.
At lunch that day, Lorna sits across from Nicky. Nicky smiles politely. Nowadays she's trying really fucking hard not to give away her love with her eyes. Easier said than done.
"How's it hangin', Morello?"
"Not bad, Nichols. And you?" Nicky admires the restraint in not correcting Nicky on her surname.
"Can't complain." Can't complain. Can't complain that I'm a junkie prisoner fuck-up, in love with a married woman.
Lorna smiles at her. It's oddly comforting. She can tell that I'm lying.
Nicky sighs, and looks at her tray, not raising her head again until she feels a hand on hers. She sees that Lorna's little hand is clasping her own, across the table. Fuck man, does she have a fever? Her hands are too damn warm. That's not natural. Or maybe mine are just too cold. Cold hands, warm heart. Ha, not a chance here.
Nicky looks at Lorna's face. The tiny brunette is smiling shyly at her. Nicky's heart beats faster. This is just a friendly thing. Totally platonic. Lorna's just a touchy-feely person. Don't read into this, looking for things that aren't there.
Nicky thinks about tugging her hand away. She thinks about leaving the cafeteria. She does neither of those things. Instead, she nervously smiles back at the woman across from her, and tries not to think at all.
Lorna drags her off, later that evening, a purposeful look on her face. Nicky's confused, but goes along with it. She feels anxiety building within her gut, but just keeps walking, numbly. Something's going to happen. Because with her, it's inevitable.
Lorna leads her into the chapel, and kisses her hard. Nicky freezes up. She almost kisses back, almost loses what little control she has. Instead, she jerks back.
"What the fuck?" Nicky growls out.
Lorna looks afraid. Whether it's of Nicky's words, or her own wants, the blonde isn't sure. "I…I just thought…"
"Thought I'd be your fuckin' security blanket?! Lore, you're married, as you keep reminding everyone! You treated me like a stranger! And yeah, at first, I was ok with still messing around, but I've thought about it. I'm not gonna be the other man here! That's fucked up! I'm a fucking person Lorna! I've got feelings too! You can't keep acting like you love me, and then fucking me over when it suits you! Pick him, if you want. I'll accept that." I don't need your love. "But if you really want me, if you really are…" In love with me. "Then fucking act like it."
Nicky's shaking with anger. Lorna's crying, but Nicky can't find it in herself to comfort her. She doesn't deserve it right now. I thought we were making progress, but of course, it has to get fucked up again. She wants, so badly, to just hold Lorna close, and tell her how much she loves her. But I can't.
"You're not the person I remember." Lorna's voice is quiet and watery.
Nicky takes a step back. She swallows hard. "You're right. I'm not."
The person you remember would let herself be manipulated for any little scrap of human connection. The person you remember was in love with you. Maybe, I am the person you remember, Lore. You just can't see it.
Lorna's crying harder. Nicky looks at her red face, and Lorna's big wet eyes bore into her own. The blonde practically runs out, blinking back her own tears.