A/N: This site is giving me the wrong word count. It's telling me this chapter is like half the size it actually is, so I'm a little stressed that something is being deleted during the upload. I don't know, we'll see. This is a long-ass chapter tho, apologies, it got away from me when I was writing it. Oh well.
Thank you to the reviewers, you guys are the reason I keep updating.
A thank you to Greg for beta-ing this chapter.
Read.
X.
The community center had a pool. Though it was in good condition despite nearly a year without proper maintenance, most of the water had evaporated and there really wasn't time to swim anyhow. The 2nd Mass drained the pool, using it as additional storage space. Attached to the pool were locker rooms, one for men and one for women, and each locker room had a row of four showers.
Ben tried valiantly to ignore the pointed looks he received from some of the men in the locker room when he entered, striding towards the showers and waiting patiently for those currently occupying them to finish their washing. There was a line of about five men and boys waiting to clean off and the one nearest Ben shuffled a few inches forward, an attempt to put a greater distance between them. Ben snorted softly, folded his arms over his chest, and glared up at the ceiling. Maybe he should have asked Jimmy to join him. Ben smirked at the thought, there's an offer Jimmy would've slugged him for making.
It was an odd sort of reprieve, thinking of the boy while standing in a den of wolves. Jimmy always somehow managed to make Ben feel better, even when he wasn't presently there.
When it came Ben's turn to use the shower, he was granted a privacy that was rarely given to anyone else. No one wanted to shower while he was in the stall. He pushed the pain of that inaction from his fellows aside and, remaining fully clothed, turned the water on.
Cold, the water was always cold. Ben tugged his gloves off; he would wash those later, and rinsed his hands under the clear stream, droplets bit into his flesh like a cascade of icicles. He splashed some of the water up his arms, into his face and across his neck, attempting to rinse away the Skitter innards that, in the journey home, had cohered to his skin. There was a bar of soap attached by a string to the faucet, and he used it to scrub away the grime, then he turned off the faucet and shook himself to knock away some of the clinging water.
There wasn't much to dry off with, so Ben ignored the dampness of his skin and hair, and strode through the community center to Captain Weaver's make-shift headquarters. Dai and Hal were already there going over details of the alien structure and the surrounding area with the captain, they barely lifted their heads to acknowledge Ben's entry.
"…there are a lot of units down there," Hal was saying, "I don't know if this mission is going to be a real possibility."
"What do you think, Ben? How did things look ground level?" Captain Weaver boomed, turning the attention to the newcomer. Ben faltered in his advancement towards the gathered men, folding his arms over his chest and feeling very much like he was having one of those dreams where he showed up at school naked.
"Heavy, but manageable," he answered earnestly, "There are a lot of Skitters, not many mechs. I think we could handle it. Something about the structure, though, captain…"
"Yeah, I was looking at these pictures you took," Captain Weaver interjected, pushing the button on the camera to scroll through the digital images on screen; "This is new, isn't it? The aliens have been putting up structures, yeah, but I haven't seen one like this yet. What is with the glare here…?"
"I had a lot of trouble getting the thing into focus," Ben explained, crossing the room and coming to stand at Weaver's shoulder to peer at the same pictures the old man was viewing, "It was kind of like…it wasn't solid, sir. It moved and, it didn't really have any color, it was just refracting light."
"Moved?" Dai repeated, perking a brow at the younger boy. Ben shrugged, tightening his arms around himself.
"Yeah, I don't know," he murmured, "I might've seen it wrong…but it looked like it…it changed. Repositioned itself? Like it might be…living or something."
The three men exchanged looks.
"Why didn't you mention this before?" Hal demanded, shifting his weight back and forth anxiously and folding his arms across his own chest. He was leering at his younger brother, anger flickering in his expression.
Ben rolled his eyes, "I don't know. I'm mentioning it now. It didn't seem important then."
"Calm down, Hal, let your brother talk. Is there anything else you noticed about the structure…thing…whatever the hell it is?"
"Not really, sir," Ben replied, dropping his eyes and whispering, "I think we should destroy it. When I was down there…looking at it…I don't know…I get a bad feeling about it. I don't like it."
"We're gonna work on that," Captain Weaver promised.
"If this structure is made of a unique substance, something alien, we might not know how to destroy it. We may not even be capable," Dai pointed out.
Ben scowled, running a hand over the back of his neck, fingering the spikes protruding there, as he stared scathingly at a spot on the floor. He thought briefly of the pain, of the images that flashed before his eyes, and wondered where he'd seen those landscapes before. They were familiar in their strangeness. He worried about the glow of his spikes, closed his eyes, and shook the thoughts away. He was still himself, he was still in control.
"We'll have to get a better look," Weaver determined, "We need to figure out what this thing is, what it's made of, if it's even just a thing and not a living thing, and maybe see from there what we can do."
"Maybe tomorrow I should scout on foot," Ben suggested, "See how close I can get."
"Not happening, Ben," Hal spoke up, his brother sending him a dark glower, "Today was enough. You're not going back down there."
"It's the only way," Ben argued.
"I'm sorry but you're brother's right, Ben," Weaver cut in, "We risked you today going out there alone and you got hit by a Skitter, I'm not sure I like the idea of sending you down there again."
Ben opened his mouth to protest and Weaver held up a silencing hand.
"At least not without proper backup," the captain finished.
"Great. Then send me with Jimmy," Ben quickly suggested, "He can snipe a Skitter from almost a hundred yards away. You stick him on a roof in a secure location, even if the bugs hear his shots, they'll never find him."
"No can do," Captain Weaver replied, shaking his head and putting his hands on his hips, "Jimmy went through a rough ordeal a few weeks ago; I'm in no rush to send him back into hard battle."
"He's fine," Ben argued.
"Dr. Glass isn't so sure," Weaver returned and Ben clamped down hard on his next protest, his heart thundering in his chest and stomach dropping to the floor. He thought of the night before on the bus, Jimmy nearly passing out against him. Just tired, the boy had claimed, but Ben could feel how lax Jimmy's body had gone in that moment, cradled against his chest, he could sense a frail and brittle weakness in the other boy, one he had shrugged off at the time but now…? Now he wondered if maybe it hadn't been just plain tiredness, maybe Dr. Glass had found something else.
"What do you mean?" Ben whispered.
"Physically he seems fine," Weaver elucidated, and Ben felt his heart pace slow to a more normal rate, he could draw air into his lungs again, "He made a quick recovery, just what I'd expect from a good fighter like him, but Dr. Glass isn't so sure of his…uh…psychological state," Weaver shook his head, made a face, "Can't say I buy into the spiritual bull crap she talks about sometimes, but I knew boys from my days in service that suffered PTSD…"
"You think he's got a stress disorder? So you're taking him out of the fight?" Ben demanded, shaking his head, agitated on behalf of the other boy, "Hell, Weaver, everyone in the 2nd Mass has got some psychological issue, whether it's stress or trauma or who the hell knows what else. It's not fair. You can't do that to him. Fighting is his life now, he needs it. He doesn't feel like he belongs without it!"
Weaver stared in stun at Ben a moment and Ben lowered his eyes, realizing he may have said too much. If Jimmy knew the things Ben had just revealed, it was possible he would never speak to Ben again, he would feel so betrayed.
"I'm not taking him out of anything," Weaver assured Ben in a soft, yet firm, voice, "I'm giving him a breather, easing him back into battle instead of throwing him in head first, at least until I've got a better stock of where his head's at, alright? Meanwhile, I've got him working on this different project, something that I think – I hope – will help the 2nd Mass more over the long run than anything else we do in these next couple weeks."
Ben furrowed his brow, peeking up at the captain in surprise. Jimmy hadn't mentioned any 'project'.
"For now, let's focus on learning the enemy's movements around the target. Just watch, get a rough count of units in the area, figure out guard shifts – if there are any to figure out," Weaver went on, "I want to know what's down there before we step into it. Then, we'll talk about sending you on a recon closer to the structure," he gave a meaningful look to Hal, the older brother poised to protest, "With backup."
Ben bristled, and sighed, "Okay, sir."
"Yes, sir," Hal begrudgingly murmured.
"You boys are dismissed. Good work today. Go grab some grub and get some rest," Captain Weaver instructed.
Hal and Ben shuffled reluctantly from the room, leaving the two commanders together to discuss upcoming battle plans and various other important tasks. Outside of the room, Hal stopped Ben from rushing off with a light hand on his shoulder.
"What are your plans tonight?" Hal questioned, in a tone that suggested Ben's answer didn't really matter because he had plans of his own he intended to impose.
"None of your business," Ben slowly replied, tugging his arm from his brother's grasp.
"Spend time in the center, with Matt and me," Hal suggested, "We'll play Parcheesi or something."
Ben rolled his eyes.
"Jimmy could join us," Hal stiffly offered.
"Yeah, 'cause he would love that," Ben spat out cynically.
"He might," Hal returned, "He hung out with Matt and me a lot before we got you back. Remember?"
Ben folded his arms over his chest, scowled at the ground.
"I get that you have this whole thing going on with him-"
"It's called a 'relationship', Hal," Ben sneered, "Me and him have a 'relationship'."
"Fine. You have a relationship," Hal snapped, "But that doesn't mean you have to be each other's entire worlds. You heard the captain; Dr. Glass is worried that Jimmy might be going through some mental trauma. Being around other people, and not just you, would be healthy for him, and if you really cared about him, you would see that."
A violent urge flinched through Ben, adrenaline kicking instantly into his veins. He growled low in the back of his throat, his eyes darkened on his brother.
"Don't you dare accuse me of not caring about him," Ben hissed.
"I wasn't accusing you of anything, Ben, though, you know, it would be nice if you could explain to me why it is you seem perfectly happy taking advantage of him shutting down?" Hal returned sharply, "He pushes everyone away and you just encourage it. Why is that? Because it doesn't matter so long as he gets on that bus with you?"
"Shut the hell up," Ben seethed.
"You want to throw around words like 'relationship', Ben, as if you know what it means," Hal pressed on, rage trembling in his words, "But you're not even mature enough to see when your selfish desires might be hurting the person you claim to care so much about."
"I said don't-"
"And hell, Ben, what do you honestly think you're doing with him? Where do you actually see it going?" Hal ranted, "I mean…what…do you see a future with him or something? Hell, Ben, do you even think about the future? Because, you know, making choices that are going to hurt him in the long-run…"
"I do," Ben stammered, "I do think about the future." He was losing strength in his words; fury and frustration were the only clear thoughts in his head. Adrenaline was kicking hard through his veins. It was too hot in the hall, and in his head.
"No you don't," Hal roared, "You're the one who said you don't even see today. I'm trying to make you see-"
Ben couldn't explain how his brother ended up shoved against the wall, his own fists holding the older boy pinned there by the shirt collar. Ben's eyes were narrowed to dangerous slits. Hal gaped down at him, startled and surprised.
For a moment, they stood like that, both stunned by the action. Then Ben regained control of himself, letting his brother go, and wordlessly turning on heel, striding hastily down the corridor and out of the community center without another look back.
Ben was mildly disappointed when he got back to his tent to find that Jimmy wasn't there yet, but he hadn't exactly specified a time for their meet. He peeled the rank-smelling clothes from his body and dressed in the freshest garments he could find lying around. He changed out the bandages on his waist, checking the damage caused by the Skitter, touching the tattered flesh, lightly scabbed over and discolored a grotesque purple and blue around the edges, and winced slightly.
The used gauze and tape he bundled up were soaked through in blood. He stuffed them into his duffle to be trashed later with the rest of 2nd Mass's waste. He shoved his clothes from that day on top; he would take them down for a cleaning early morning before he had to head out again to the target with Dai, Hal, and Pope.
Hal's words repeated in Ben's mind, over and over and over again: Do you even think about the future? It slammed a memory to the forefront of his thoughts, something distant and faded, a dream that had disappeared with morning but somehow returned to him in that moment, triggered by his brother's cruel ramblings.
This is our future. Embrace it.
And suddenly Ben knew where he'd seen that alien landscape before. It came to him in a white hot flash that ripped through his skull like a serrated knife. He grimaced, scowled, and pushed the memory away, feeling the contents of his stomach rising to the back of his throat. His body tingled with the kick of adrenaline, a more potent dose than the tidbit that had tainted his bloodstream when talking to Hal. This was the stuff that begged to be used, the stuff that dragged him into the late night, and forced him to seek out the enemy.
There was a sound at the tent opening and Ben spun round, eyes wild with intent. Jimmy stood there, looking at Ben in wide-eyed stun, taking a small step back as though considering exiting once more. A broad grin split across Ben's face and he crossed the tent, dragging the other boy stumbling forward and pressing a rough kiss to his mouth.
"Hey," Ben whispered greeting, sounding breathless, and Jimmy smirked response.
Ben slipped his arm round Jimmy's waist, squeezing out all space between their bodies and dived into another kiss, deeper and more refined than the first, parting their lips and slipping his tongue in to probe and tease and draw out an involuntary moan from the other boy's throat. Jimmy pushed Ben away then and gasped for air, ducking his head down to hide the flush.
"Slow down," he complained, "For Christ's Sake, Ben, I just got here."
"I'm sorry," Ben said, resting his mouth against Jimmy's neck and lining the soft, pale skin there with light kisses that sometimes nipped less than gently. Eventually, he rested their foreheads together, and studied the other boy's delicate features. God, he missed this in their times apart. How did he really continue for hours on end without a single touch from this person, let alone a glimpse of that painstakingly grim face and those crystalline blue eyes?
"Are you okay?" Jimmy murmured, his breathing labored and cheeks blistered with heat.
Jimmy was having trouble forming words, and something about that made him simply irresistible. It made Ben want to kiss Jimmy again and again and the best part was that he could, and so he did.
At least, until Jimmy put up a hand to hold him back.
"Ben," Jimmy growled warningly. He clearly wasn't in the mood to play.
Ben sighed, agitated. He pulled away from Jimmy and walked a few paces towards the back of his tent. He needed to put distance between them; he couldn't concentrate so close to that warm body, that sweet scent, that flighty breath that hinted something sensual.
"I'm fine. Why?" Ben demanded.
"You just…seem on edge," Jimmy answered carefully.
"Right," Ben mumbled. He glanced to Jimmy again, the other boy standing stiffly by the tent entrance, wary eyes studying Ben. Jimmy wouldn't buy anything less than the truth, so Ben sighed, and resignedly gave it to him, partially anyway, "That's because I got in a fight with Hal."
"Ben," Jimmy chastised. He shook his head and tentatively asked, "What about?"
"You," Ben said absently, the answer tumbling accidentally off his tongue and causing Jimmy to flinch visibly, so he quickly, casually added, "And our dad and responsibilities and dangerous missions, etcetera, etcetera…you know, typical Hal bullshit."
"Oh," Jimmy mumbled, "What…about…all of that?"
"Nothing. Nothing about all of that," Ben grumbled, "He's just being his usual asshole self. He thinks he knows everything, what's best for everyone. He keeps trying to tell me what to do, no matter how many times I tell him he's not in charge, he's not my boss."
Jimmy shot Ben an exasperated expression and Ben rolled his eyes, knowing exactly what that look meant without a single word from the other boy.
"I can't believe you're on his side," Ben griped.
"I'm not. I swear," Jimmy hastily denied, not sounding at all convincing, "I just think you need to relax. I mean, maybe he doesn't know everything…but he does know some stuff. He's older, he has more experience, he's been in the resistance longer, and he's just trying to look out for you. You got to remember, Ben, he's your older brother, he cares about you. He's not just bossing you around because he wants to be in charge, he's doing it because he's trying to protect you."
"He's trying to keep me from doing my job," Ben cried, then faltered and raged, "He's trying to keep me from you."
Again, Jimmy flinched, his gaze dropping blankly to the ground. Ben could hear the other boy's heart pounding something wicked.
"If that's what he thinks is best…" Jimmy stammered. Ben crossed the tent and had him drawn into a strong embrace before he could even consider a way to finish that heart-wrenched statement.
"He's wrong," Ben insisted.
Jimmy didn't respond, his arms hanging limp at his sides.
"He doesn't understand," Ben complained, closing his eyes and breathing Jimmy in, "He thinks it's just some childish crush, talks about us like all we do is mess around."
"Isn't that…all we do?" Jimmy weakly joked.
Ben smirked, pulled back a bit to give the other boy a meaningful look. Jimmy shrugged, searched the floor with a distant gaze. He looked a little lost, and a little harassed. Ben couldn't really blame the other boy; he knew Jimmy could only handle so much deep, emotional chatter before it took a toll. Weaver's concerns from earlier, about Jimmy's mental state, flittered through Ben's mind.
It had been less than three weeks since Jimmy had intentionally blown himself up in that warehouse building then spent two days after wandering around without food or water – the details of those days he still wouldn't, and probably never would, share with Ben. When they found him again, his behavior seemed erratic at first, he was more cold and closed off than he had ever before been, but Ben didn't pay it much more mind when the other boy made the decision to plunge their relationship far into the deep end, unabashedly requesting sex, which Ben reluctantly yet happily obliged.
And God, it felt good, that first time and every time after, exploring and pleasuring one another.
But Ben would be a fool if he didn't admit that he'd always know there was something sinister eating away inside of Jimmy, even before he'd had the chance to go on patrol with the other boy, and learned bits and pieces of his dark past. Jimmy's mental state was certainly a concern, but not because of the incident three weeks ago. Truthfully, he'd always been unstable.
When he lay next to Ben that first time they made love or something like it, Jimmy had confessed his dream of the future: he intended to die either in battle or after the war ended in victory by putting a bullet in his own head.
The future.
Ben tried to picture it, but he couldn't get passed the image of them in the now. It was aggravating, it almost made it seem as though Hal could be right and Hal wasn't right. He didn't know anything about it, didn't know the emotions Ben and Jimmy shared, the secrets that had passed between them, made them stronger together.
After Jimmy's confession, Ben had promised that he would bring them safely to victory and keep Jimmy from ever pulling that trigger, and that was exactly what he planned to do, even if he couldn't fathom the war ever ending, even if he feared that this moment, this one that saw Jimmy held tight in his arms, might be the last moment they ever had together. And if not this one, then the next, or the next.
Ben brushed a kiss to Jimmy's jawline, the other boy remaining cool and unmoving. It wasn't that Ben didn't think about the future, it was just that, with the war, and all the death and uncertainty that surrounded them, it was hard to imagine any future whatsoever.
And for that, Ben hated the Skitters just a little more.
"We also practice shooting at the range," Ben teasingly noted, in reply to Jimmy's original jest. He broke away from Jimmy, moving through the tent, nudging a few items around with his foot as though searching for something. He needed to get out of there, he was starting to feel restless, and irritated, his previous anger with Hal coming back in full force and mingling with his unending loathe of all things alien. He needed to go hunting.
Jimmy smiled faintly, eyes downcast, and hands sliding into his pockets.
"We should take Matt with us next time…when we're out shooting," he quietly suggested. Ben perked a brow.
"Why?"
"I don't know," Jimmy mumbled, shrugging. He took a few steps further into the tent, eyed Ben's chaotic mess, "He likes to watch the fighters shoot. And he gets bored staying in camp all day. I think it'd be nice for him…is all…"
"Okay, I guess…if you want," Ben murmured, frowning. Admittedly, it always made him nervous being around his brothers with Jimmy, as though they were constantly examining the pair, looking for any 'romantic' interaction that they could call out and pick apart.
Hal was the worst of the two, scrutinizing everything Ben and Jimmy did together, and using it as fuel for his 'stay-focused' argument. Matt was more curious than anything, but that could be horrible in and of itself. He asked some of the most awkward questions like, 'will I want to kiss a boy too?' or 'my friend Troy told me that boys have to be with girls because one is an out and the other is an in, so…how can you and Jimmy be together if you're both out and what does that mean anyways?' or Jimmy's personal favorite usually preempted by anything Ben tried to do that was considerate of the other boy '…does that make Jimmy 'the girl'?'.
"Why do you say it like that?" Jimmy wondered, "He's your brother. You should want to spend time with him."
"I do want to spend time with him. But not when I'm spending time with you," Ben replied, turning to smirk lightly at Jimmy.
Jimmy shook his head, grimaced at the ground.
It was clear something was distressing the other boy, but Ben wasn't sure exactly what. As far as Ben knew, he hadn't done anything wrong lately. Jimmy had accepted every kiss he'd given, though didn't really give any in return, but that didn't mean anything. It usually took time and persistence before Jimmy felt like being affectionate. They hadn't had any real arguments lately either, in fact, things had been pretty smooth between them for the most part – just a few trivial spats here and there, which…maybe…for Jimmy, was cause enough to be frustrated.
Sometimes Ben wondered if Jimmy preferred to be at odds with someone, pushing them back just to prove that he could. Ben sighed, or maybe it was something else altogether, something outside of Ben that he didn't know about like Weaver's special 'project'. Given Jimmy's propensity to not share, it was a distinct possibility, and Ben felt certain he may never figure out why Jimmy behaved in the ways he did.
It was almost as though Jimmy were this never-ending puzzle; Ben could spend years trying to solve him and only manage to uncover new pieces that didn't quite fit but clearly belonged to the overall image. It could be infuriating at times.
"Then maybe we should spend less time together," Jimmy muttered, and his words shot through Ben like a slew of bullets.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Ben demanded shakily, even as his brain already began to conjure up some of the worst interpretations of that single phrase possible. He reviewed Jimmy's behavior since entering the tent, trying to search for clues that he hoped he wouldn't find which would support his greatest fear of the other boy's meaning. Jimmy had pushed Ben's advances away, maybe it wasn't just so they could talk, and maybe talking was just an excuse.
"Nothing," Jimmy murmured, shaking his head and staring haplessly at the ground, "It doesn't mean anything."
Ben frowned, watching the other boy warily, not entirely convinced. Jimmy darted a glance to him, then sighed, rubbing a hand over his features and groaning.
"I'm just tired, okay?" he confessed, then sheepishly grumbled, "And I'm just…so mad that Weaver has me stuck here at camp all day and you're out there…without me and…and I worry about…you…and…I don't know."
"Yeah…I know," Ben conceded, smirking despite himself.
Jimmy had to be really exhausted, Ben decided, because he didn't usually admit concern casually like that; there was generally more fire and brimstone involved, and even sometimes, bloodshed.
"Don't patronize me," Jimmy spat angrily. Okay, maybe he wasn't that tired, "You don't fucking know anything. You're the one that's out there every day being put to use, and I'm stuck here playing chess with your little brother, getting my ass kicked as you so kindly pointed out, thank you very fucking much. Your family couldn't play Connect-Four? I'm awesome at Connect-Four."
"I'm…sorry?"
"And you know what, fuck you, and your super Skitter powers, you asshole," Jimmy raged on, and even though Ben flinched at the comment, he couldn't find it in him to feel hurt by the words, Jimmy was far too cute when riled up like that, all Ben could do was fight his urge to smile and just stare blank-faced, "Why the fuck do you always have to be the one that saves the day? Huh? Because your amped up by alien-gene scrambling? How is that fucking fair? It's like you're on intergalactic steroids! Some of us want to go out there every now and then and shoot Skitters too, you know! But no, you're the special one, so you get to go on all the super special assignments and we normal fighters are forced to just sit back and twiddle our thumbs…"
Jimmy finally caught Ben smiling at him and faltered, furrowing his brows and darting his eyes anxiously around the tent, suddenly self-conscious.
"What?" he grumbled.
"You…" Ben started softly, but left the word dangling precariously in the air, moving slowly forward to close the distance between himself and Jimmy.
"You're annoying when you're cryptic," Jimmy informed him.
"Can't help it…" Ben leaned forward to nestle his mouth against Jimmy's, not a full kiss, just the beginning of one, "You'll hit me if I finish that thought."
Then he sunk down, pressing himself fully against Jimmy, and sliding his hands up to grasp the other boy's shoulders, loose yet firm. It seemed Jimmy was finally done ranting as he eased into the kiss. He was first to part their lips this time and slide his tongue tantalizingly up along the roof of Ben's mouth.
Jimmy had this way of making his every movement so ridiculously slow, so stimulatingly meaningful, that it ached throughout Ben's entire body, driving him insane with want and when Jimmy was done, Ben couldn't help but eagerly dive in and make up for the way Jimmy made him wait. Plunging his tongue roughly into every groove, every nook, every cranny of Jimmy's mouth, and forcing the most erotic noises from Jimmy's throat.
Ben's hands dropped purposefully down along Jimmy's back, drawing Jimmy more firmly against him, deepening their kiss if it were at all possible, as his hands wandered up under Jimmy's shirt, careening none-too-gently over bare skin, fiercely massaging the contours of Jimmy's back muscles, Jimmy whimpering at the touch and only further encouraging Ben's ministrations.
Jimmy's hands sidled up along Ben's sides and then slid under his t-shirt, soft fingertips trailing sensuously over shivering muscle, up towards…
Ben flinched back, grabbing Jimmy's hands and halting their curious travels mere micrometers from the edge of his freshly wrapped bandages, where therein rose a whole tower of lies Ben didn't want toppling over. He broke hastily from Jimmy's embrace and walked away from the other boy a few paces, eyes squeezed tightly closed, as he ran his hands over his face, trying to cool his head and calm his body.
"You know…I'm uh… actually really tired, I should go to bed," Ben rattled off the first excuse to come to mind.
Ben had been hunting almost every night for the past couple weeks and each night involved a new lie he had to tell the other boy, because if Jimmy knew what Ben really went off to do, he would want to join, and Ben hadn't felt ready to let Jimmy join yet. It was true that Jimmy was healing well – he still grimaced if he put too much weight on his right leg, every now and then he absently brought a hand up to rub soreness from his shoulder but otherwise, for someone who'd been trapped in a demolishing building, he was in good shape.
So, patrols were fine for the boy, there was almost nothing to run into, and camp was close enough that back-up was only a short jog away. Missions that put Jimmy on a roof, far, far, away from any dangers, were perfect, Ben would have Jimmy there every time if he could. Hunting was up-close and personal, injury was inevitable, death definitely a possibility, and Ben wasn't ready to face the possibility of either happening to Jimmy again, not so soon after the warehouse.
After a few moments, he peeked back at Jimmy. Jimmy had a hand lingering near his mouth, bruised red, glistening with saliva and slightly swollen; his brow was intently furrowed with befuddlement, his cheeks were blistered with obvious heat. He turned momentarily to glance back at the tent entry, then gazed in a stupor at the spot where Ben was recently standing, then raised his eyes up to meet Ben's.
"What?" Jimmy cried incredulously.
Ben turned away from Jimmy again, grimacing as he fumbled for explanation.
"The uh…mission today…it really wore on me…more than I realized…and um…tomorrow, I have to wake up early…and I shouldn't…because I'm tired…and have to…into Skitter territory…so, yeah, I should sleep. That's all."
Jimmy was silent for a very long time and, sensing the other boy had guessed he was lying, Ben braced himself for impact.
"Okay…uh…did you…maybe…want me to stay…?" Jimmy wondered timidly. His voice sounded muffled and distant.
Ben wished he'd braced himself for a harder impact, Jimmy's words punching him full force in the chest and knocking the air clear from his lungs. He let every implication of that offer beat into his brain.
Ben had never spent a night with Jimmy. Sure, they'd had overnight scouting missions, but those were with other fighters and long before Ben had ever had the guts, or the high level of inebriation, to kiss the other boy. And, of course, they'd dozed off next to one another for very brief stints of time after pleasantly experimenting with the other's body and the things that they could do with or to each other, but those were short naps, an hour at the most, and when they woke they had to hurriedly clean up, dress, and return to duty before some busy-body came to investigate the locked storage closet.
This was a night. One entire night. Five, count them, five full hours of holding that sweet, warm, pliable body securely in his arms, because there was only the one sleeping bag and he wasn't sleeping in the cold and he'd be damned if Jimmy was, and he knew in that night his sleep would be such a peaceful one.
Or not.
Seriously, idiot, why would he sleep, why would he go looking for dreams, when he was holding his dream so close to his body? And in the twilight hours, they could linger in bed, without worry of anyone stumbling surprised on their languidly slumbering forms tangled round one another, and when Jimmy woke, Ben would kiss him, a beautiful start to his day, and whether the day itself was good or not after wouldn't matter in the least, because he began it with a kiss first thing from Jimmy and that was all that he would ever remember of that day.
And then Jimmy would discover the bandages, learn he'd been lied to, and all hell would break loose, pointed out the rational side of Ben's brain.
Ben winced.
If Jimmy stayed the night, the temptation would be too great. He couldn't lie next to that boy and not want to kiss him, and kissing led to a wandering of hands, and if Ben's hands wandered, then so would Jimmy's, and there were some places Jimmy's hands just could not wander at that moment because they would stumble upon things Ben was not yet ready to explain.
Ben took a deep breath and turned to look at Jimmy. Jimmy stood uncertain where he'd been left cold moments before by Ben, his hands were shoved deep into his pockets, shoulders scrunched and held tense, eyes slightly downcast, their blue depths shimmering with emotions dark and alluring.
Ben couldn't even begin to comprehend what it must have taken for that boy to make such an offer, to open himself up just that small amount, and Ben hated himself so much in that moment, because he knew once he spoke his next words, that the unintended rejection would cause Jimmy to close off parts of his heart that could take months, if not never, to open up again.
"No," Ben murmured answer, watching Jimmy's reaction carefully, so minute were the changes in his features it might be missed, but the small glimmer of emotion there was not unlike the shifting expression of one who'd just had a knife plunged into his chest, as Ben forced the rest of his words from his stilted mouth, "I don't…want you…to…"
Jimmy lowered his head, brown strands falling into his face and obscuring his dark expression. He shrugged, nonchalant, but his shoulders were visibly trembling.
"Okay," Jimmy mouthed acceptance, then turned and left without another word.
.
.
.
A/N: I like this chapter because this is one of the first scenes where you get to see Ben's perspective on something that happens between the boys, and then later you get to see Jimmy's perspective, and they both have very different takes on what went down. I kind of don't like this chapter, also, though because the convo with Hal didn't seem right to me...oh well, let me know what you guys think please?
Man, I hate when I don't have time to work on a story. I spend all day thinking about it, going over the story in my mind over and over again until I just get so bored with it, so that when I finally have a chance to sit down and write, I don't have the motivation or interest and everything I turn out starts getting crappier and crappier. Maybe when we hit winter break I'll get a bit of my mojo back, we'll see. In the meantime, I kind of started a different Falling Skies fanfic...bad writer, I know, I won't be posting that one to the site, at least not for a very long while...and I'll be back to working on Fire Light today. I kind of have to rewrite a bunch of chapters today, because they aren't the way I want them to be...and I have to write two short stories to post to my blog and - deep breath - I have an essay for class I need to write. I will be writing all day.
Dammit, I may fry my brain.
I'm also considering staggering updates again, mainly because I haven't added a new chapter to the stack in over three weeks and I'm already needing to go back in for rewrites...again. Fuck. I'm tired. I hate to do that to the loyal readers/reviewers that have stuck with me...so I'll try not to have to, but things are looking grim.
Reviewers: IcicleLilly, how'd you know Jimmy would suggest Matt-Ben bonding time? Yeah, Ben and Hal aren't on great terms right now...they just have different opinions on what's best for Ben and what's best for Jimmy. Haley, yay, you're back! I was worried. Cookie97, Matt is a very innocent character, I like writing his interactions with Jimmy, though I haven't yet explored the depressing side of it with Jimmy and how it might make him miss his little sister all the more. I think I will read the book then, if I have the opportunity. Greg, it's all good, you can be lord and master this chapter. Facepalmer123, I was wondering where you were, glad you remembered!