Written In The Body
Poetheather
A/N: 14 comments on one chapter… wow. Well, here you all go. I hope you enjoy. Thanks for reading.
A/N 2: I just got nominated for the Energize WIP Award in the Slash Fiction Category. Thank you whoever nominated me. Please vote from the 13th – 20th.
Way not JKR.
Seventeen
Hermione groaned slightly as she drifted slowly into consciousness, her head throbbing in time with her pulse. The best she could figure was that the headache she was feeling was due to the crying she had done as it was the only thing that made any sort of sense. She ached everywhere and was feeling a bit disoriented as her brain really did not recognize here as the last place she had been when she had fallen asleep. Everything was dark and from what she could tell it seemed like she was in her bedroom but hadn't she been in the living room. The numbers on the digital clock clearly read that it was close to four in the morning and she had to admit that she still felt a little tired even though it was clear she had been unconscious for a minimum of at least eight hours. As she blinked, trying to make her brain wake up and work more effectively she realized that she was being held from behind.
Before she could completely freak out and panic, she looked down at the arms that held her and then over her shoulder to spot the familiar mass of hair behind her which caused her to relax. She blushed and dropped her face back into her pillow. Her mind began to whirl as she tried to make sense of all of this. What the hell was Ginny doing here? Why was she in bed with her? The last thing she recalled was freaking out because her mom was aware she loved Ginny and now for some reason Ginny was in her bed? How did that make any sort of sense anywhere?
Ginny nuzzled closer to her, pulling the bushy haired girl a bit tighter against her chest, her warm breath caressing Hermione's neck. "Mmmmm 'mione…"
The girl's voice had been sleep filled and dreamy and it had almost stopped Hermione's breathing. What was that? Was Ginny talking in her sleep? She knew the girl did that though it usually had to do with Quidditch for some reason. Did that mean though that Ginny was really into her? Just like her mother said? Was everything she thought last night wrong? Hermione's heart skipped a beat and she groaned in frustration. Why was this happening to her? She was usually so much surer of things before she jumped to conclusions but in this case she felt like she really had no clue as to what was really going on. It seemed like she had overthought herself into a ravine.
Now that she was aware of the girl holding her, she could tell that the girl's breathing was changing by how it felt against her back, moving from the deep steady pattern of sleep to something different. She needed to stop fidgeting so much and quiet down if she didn't want to wake Ginny up. She had finally stilled herself hoping that Ginny's sleep would deepen, when her stomach growled at her loudly, the sound almost as loud as Ron's stomach got.
Hermione blushed and covered her face with her hands, deeply mortified. Ginny snorted and shifted some, pulling Hermione in a little. Hermione resisted a little and then just went with it, realizing that fighting against it might lead to the redhead waking up. Her worry was well founded when Ginny's voice came out, a little confused and a touch worried as she asked, "Uhm… Hermione?"
"Yes?" said Hermione, a bit hesitantly, unsure of what was going on. She was still trying to wrap her head around how she had messed up last night.
"Are you okay?" It was clear that Ginny was concerned for her by her tone.
"I honestly don't know Gin." admitted Hermione, knowing that it was a difficult thing for her to say as there was too much going on in her head. "I was talking to my Mom and she said something to me and I just sort of crashed because of it. Why are you here?"
"Perdita flew into the house, flared up as she slowed, scaring Mum making her drop her glass and landed right in front of me, staring me right in my eyes. I took off the note, which was in your dad's handwriting, and it said 'We need you. Now!' So I said bye and immediately disapparated here. Your mom quickly explained what had happened and said that you told her that you slept better when I'm with you. That explained why I was called. They were really worried." explained Ginny.
"Well I do." protested Hermione, as if Ginny were claiming that she didn't sleep better with the other girl's arms around her.
"I'm not arguing with you 'mione. I came upstairs and you were sleeping really fitfully. I quickly changed, climbed into bed with you and you settled right down. Your mom smiled, set some food out for us, which I have under a warming charm, and let us be. Now, since you're awake, what happened to you? Why did you freak out? You scared your parents and you scared me. We're all worried about you." asked Ginny softly. Hermione could hear the hint of tears in her voice and that tore at her heart.
Tears began to well up in Hermione's eyes. This was it, this was the moment where she could say what she needed to and she just couldn't do it, couldn't throw away her friendship. It meant too much to her to throw away on a chance. She said softly, her voice filled with regret, "I can't tell you."
"Hermione, please this really did freak you parents out and my parents didn't look happy either just before I disappeared. I just want to know what is bothering you so I can see what I can do to help. You are my best friend Hermione and I would do anything for you. Please talk to me." pleaded Ginny.
"No Ginny I…" Her response as cut off as her stomach chose that moment to remind her yet again that it had been a very long time since lunch and that it demanded in no uncertain terms to be fed. Hermione had to face palm over that as her stomach was not playing fair.
Ginny started giggling at the sound which made Hermione begin to blush. With a nudge backwards, jostling Ginny, she chided, "Stop that!"
"My, my Miss Granger, I must admit that was a very Weasley-ish sort of sound you made, now wasn't it." teased Ginny. "It was almost Ron like."
Hermione rolled over and smacked Ginny lightly on her shoulder. "Prat. There is no call for talk like that."
Ginny still kept giggling, barely even registering the hit. With a slight huff, Hermione sat up and moved over to her desk, where the plates were, simply ignoring the other girl. The food looked good and her stomach gurgled again, making its needs known. It really had been a while since she had eaten and she needed to acquiesce to the stomachs demands. She sighed, grabbed one of the plates and offered it to Ginny, "Here. Maybe that will keep you quiet."
"Thanks." Ginny took the plate and smiled comfortingly at her, not even deigning to give a response.
Hermione took one for herself and once utensils were managed the girls focused on eating. This lull helped Hermione calm and center herself, getting her nerves back under some semblance of control. What was she going to do? Ginny sounded like she wanted to know the reasons behind this breakdown and she would continue to go after her, pursuing this in that dogged manner she had unless she heard something that sounded true. It was one of the qualities she liked about Ginny, most of the time. Now it was a trait that was irritating her to no end. And she also had no idea what her parents actually told Ginny about this whole breakdown or what she knew. They could have actually told her everything about their conversation, which meant that if she lied Ginny would know it. She was going into this whole thing blind and she hated doing that. She liked being well prepared and knowing what was going on and how to approach things, with multiple backups. What was she going to do in the here and now? If she told Ginny the unabridged truth she just might lose her best friend in the process but if she lied about the whole thing the same thing might happen? This was such a catch 22.
Or… or, and her mind hesitated to even suggest this, there was the even less likely possibility that could occur, that the thing that her mother was stating, that Ginny might actually like her back was true. That is she told Ginny how she felt that Ginny would feel the same.
Hermione's food was suddenly tasteless in her mouth and a chill ran down her spine. A ball of ice burned in her stomach. Where was her supposed Gryffindor courage now? Where was the strength that let her flat out lie to Bellatrix while she was being tortured? Where was the courage that had allowed her to fight against some of the most dangerous people in Magical Britain time and time again? Could she do this? Could she take this chance and tell Ginny now, before she was actually ready? She felt disconnected to her body and almost like she was an observer of what she was doing rather than the one controlling herself.
She finished her food rather mechanistically, forkful after forkful, consuming it more as fuel than anything else, though it had tasted good earlier. Her eyes weren't really seeing anything, they were just moving about, trying to find something, anything that helped her make sense of all of this. Nothing seemed to help and her eyes avoided Ginny as that only made the ache worse. Once she set her plate down she sighed, feeling another need making itself known. "I'll be right back."
Going to the bathroom gave her another quick break, away from Ginny's presence, so she could try to pull herself together. This let her breathe deeply a few times and try to settle herself, to get her racing heart under control. Once she had finished she was able to wash her face with some cold water and stare into the mirror catching her own eyes for a few seconds. She needed to psych herself up. "Just breathe. You can do this. You love her and you want to be with her. If you want that you have to do this. Don't let that bitch Bellatrix win."
With a quick glance at her left arm she felt her resolve firm as her eyes took in the scar. If her vow on the cold marble floor of Malfoy Manor was ever going to mean anything she had to be true to herself in all ways, including being true to her heart. Choosing your own path in life meant taking risks, like when she changed how she dressed and her hair. She could do this, despite the fact that the whole situation panicked her almost more than anything else ever had. Her biggest worry was that the potential fallout from this, if it went wrong, could devastate her.
Unfortunately before she could go in there and say anything, Ginny ended up tagging out with her, heading off to the bathroom to take care of her own needs. That gave Hermione even more time to dwell on this, which was not really all that helpful in her mind. She went into the room and looked around. Where did she want to do this? Sitting across from Ginny or lying in the bed with her or just sitting in the bed with her or even standing? Oh Merlin… she wasn't sure she could even figure that out let alone the words needed to tell Ginny how she felt. She was still having enough trouble staying focused on what she was planning on doing, on saying, and even then the words she could come up with were still a bit of a jumble. This extra time was more of a torture than anything else and she was at a loss for what to do about any of it.
That decision was taken out of her hands however, when Ginny came back into the room and climbed back into the bed without any hesitation. It only took her a moment to get settled again before she turned to face the rest of the room and Hermione. She held open the covers and looked at Hermione expectantly. There was no doubt as to what Ginny was being silently asking her to do.
With a slight sigh of resignation, unsure if she could even do this from up close, she stood up from the chair and climbed into the bed, lying on her side, facing the redhead. Her heart was beating rapidly, making her throat pulse and she felt weird, like her skin was sort of fluttering. This whole situation made her worry all over again and she felt her resolve starting to slip as her confidence began to fade. Ginny lowered the covers over both of them, and smiled at her gently, trying to reassure her that everything was okay.
Hermione grabbed her left arm and took a deep breath, trying to regain her focus. She could do this. She could tell Ginny what she had to tell her. She let loose her arm and took her hand out from under the covers. With a gesture and a whispered word, she turned off the light, dropping the room into near darkness, faint light slanting through the window.
"So, are you ready to tell me the reason that you freaked out so badly when you were talking to your parents?" asked Ginny, her eyes trying to make out the details in Hermione's shaded face.
Hermione nodded, half to herself, knowing she had to get this out before her own courage failed her. She did owe Ginny this explanation and she would deal with whatever fallout she faced. It was the best she could to in order to be true to herself. "Yeah. I think I am." She took a deep breath and looked Ginny in the eyes; she could faintly see them by the sliver of moonlight that was coming through her window and over her shoulder. They were beautiful and it would have been so very easy for her to lose herself in them if what she had to say didn't scare her so much, if she knew that this confession would be well received. Her voice shook a little as she spoke, her nerves proving to be a bit stronger than her control, "The reason I freaked out last night might take a bit to explain. So please hear me out before you say anything. I want to be able to get this all out in one go before I can't say anything more."
"Okay Hermione. I promise that I will just lie here and listen to whatever you want to say. It will be alright. Honest." There was that warmth again in her voice and it was painful for her to hear, because it could be for the last time. This could result in her never hearing that warmth, concern and compassion in that voice ever again.
Hermione closed her eyes and swallowed down that fear. If she had to see Ginny's reaction, she wasn't sure she would be able to say what she had to say in order to make things clear. If she had to actually watch that friendship die while she spoke it would be intolerable. Experiencing it would be hard enough, having to see Ginny's warm brown eyes turn cold she just might collapse again. "I told my parents about me, coming out to them. My parents said they knew or at least had suspected for quite a while, which was quite a surprise. And then…" She swallowed heavily, gripping her left forearm tightly, the hold slightly painful. That bit of pain was able to give her a tangible focus, something to keep her mind on something else as she spoke. "…then she explained how they had noticed things about me for most of my life which had led them to that conclusion. They gave me some examples, some of which were rather embarrassing. After that was when I explained how I had figured out I was a lesbian. You see, how I had figured that all out was because of a comment my mum made and you."
"Me?" blurted out Ginny, forgetting her promise briefly.
Hermione nodded, eyes still closed. "Yes Ginny, you. You see my mum mentioned that she could see why I really liked you. Now it was not just liked but really liked. That made me think about the fact that people more often than not use really liked as code for having some sort of interest in, as in romantic interest in someone else. That realization made me stop and think about everything about me and you, especially how we related. Thinking about that was what made me realize that I actually did have some interest in you, interest in you in that way."
Hermione couldn't fight the swell of emotions she was feeling and she opened her eyes, looking at the girl she loved, trying to hide the need that she felt, that she was sure was clear in her eyes. "Do… do you remember when I told you about that dream I have been having over and over for the last couple of years, the one about that redhead, the one I have told you about even at school?"
Ginny nodded, looking a bit confused and a bit of something else that Hermione was not able to easily identify.
"You see, as I was thinking about all of that I ran through that dream again, only this time things became clear and I saw it all. I figured it all out. I know who that person is, the one who has been in my dreams. Ginny, that redhead is you."
Ginny gasped, eyes wide, staring at Hermione I disbelief, a hand coming in front of her mouth.
Hermione nodded, assuring her in was true just through her actions. It was tough to speak but she kept going, knowing that since she had started that she had to finish. "Ever since I had that realization earlier this summer, I have been fighting this whole time, trying to keep from telling you about this, utterly afraid that I would ruin everything, afraid that I would lose you, that you would never want to see or talk to me ever again. It was what I was most afraid of and it kept me from saying anything. So when my mom told me tonight that she knew that I… uh… have strong feelings for you, I… I figured that you had probably already figured that out as well, you know, because of how well you know me. That made me think that you would hate me because of that and would never want to talk to me again. I kind of figured that was why I hadn't heard from you for the last two weeks. I… uh… I know you probably don't care for me like I care for you, because I mean you had Harry and he made you happy so why would you want to be with someone like me. I can live with you not fancying me back if I have to but I… I can't lose you Gin, you mean too much to me. You are one of my best friends, the best female friend I have ever had, and I would be utterly lost without you. So when I realized all that it just collapsed in on me and I freaked out. With everything else going on and all my worry over coming out and you, I just crashed in on myself. Then I woke up here, with you."
Hermione cried a little, the emotional weight of what she was sharing was a bit too much for her. She had just bared herself, opened her soul up to the girl she loved and hoped she would not be completely rejected. She felt raw and vulnerable, her nerves aching almost as if from the Cruciatus. It hurt to know that the odds were most likely that she would not get the girl she loved but so long as she could still be friends with her it would all work out for the best. At least she hoped that it would be so. After a few moments of her mind a whirl and trying to choke back the tide of her grief that was threatening to drag her back under, she was pulled tightly against Ginny, her head coming to rest against the crook of the other girl's neck as if sliding into place. The girl put a free hand against the back of her head and began stroking her hair softly. Her voice was filled with emotion as she spoke, "Hey… I'm not going anywhere Hermione, especially not over this. And why would you lose me? You are my best friend, even better than Luna ever was. You helped me so much over this summer, especially after losing Fred and then with Harry being… well Harry. You have been there for me almost the entire time I have known you, being kind, caring, supportive and helpful, so why would I leave you just because of this?"
"People do. I've known about it from stories I've heard growing up and from things I have read in some of the books I bought on coming out. The other people apparently can't deal with it or they get upset or scared or something and they just scream and leave, or just leave and never talk to them again. Families and friendships get torn apart over this. You know just as well as I do that Ron is going to freak when I finally tell him about this and I really don't need to get yelled at right now over something that is just a part of who I am." said Hermione softly, breathing in the warmth of Ginny's skin. She wanted to nuzzle but was too afraid to take that chance.
"No, you don't." Ginny tightened her hug briefly and Hermione could swear that Ginny had just kissed her on the top of her head. But that couldn't be right, could it? Why would Ginny do anything like that? Her mind was in a whirl as things were not lining up in her head. "You should probably wait until he stops being a complete berk before you tell him. I know I maybe a bit biased, but I am sure it might take a while, with him being mental and all, but after that everything will be fine. Even he isn't a prat forever and you two have been mates since first year. In the end he always fixes things and comes back."
Hermione nodded in agreement. It meshed with her thinking and everything she knew about Ron. It made her feel better to know that Ginny and she were in accord on that particular issue. Ron was a big concern as she did not want to hurt his feelings but did want to ensure that this was dealt with. Maybe Harry might have an idea on how to approach this topic with him as she was at a loss? However, it had also not escaped her notice that Ginny had still not addressed the far more important issue she had brought up, the only issue she really cared about. She bit her lip in worry and looked up at Ginny through her lashes, asking nervously, "And you're okay with and not disgusted by the fact that I really like you and would love to be in a relationship with you?"
Ginny was laying there quietly, at first watching her and then she looked down. The moment between them stretched, the silence deepened, and Hermione worried her lip, fidgeting in Ginny's arms, which still held her close, one hand absently stroking her hair in a calming manner like she had done earlier, though this time because of what Hermione was feeling it did not feel quite as soothing as it had before. With no answer to stop them up Hermione's thoughts started spiraling down even more, thinking of all the possible bad reactions that could happen out of this, of all the bad thoughts that Ginny could be thinking about her, despite the fact that she said that she would not leave her over this. The fact that Ginny had not already fled or hexed her nor hit her was the only thing giving her any kind of hope for the survival of their friendship in the long run. But her heart, her heart was slowly cracking into pieces as it felt like all of her dreams were falling apart before her. Her eyes were beginning to fill with tears, as through the silence she was growing more and more convinced that her friendship with Ginny was doomed, maybe not immediately but the pain of this heartache would surely drive them apart. She was grateful that her parents were okay with her but this loss was going to sting, maybe even wound her heart keeping her from love for a while. Maybe… maybe she could find a less addictive version of Dreamless Sleep to allow her to make it through the night and other nights hence, since it was doubtful that being held in these safe arms like this would ever happen again.
The hand at the back of her head stilled and began to move away, sliding around her head. Hermione swallowed heavily, closing her eyes again. No, she couldn't do it. She couldn't bear to look, not when she was sure what she was going to see. Her pain was too raw and this would be salt poured upon it. This was it. This was the moment of ending.
Her head was lifted from where she had curled it down, the unexpected movement making her open her eyes in surprise until they met the warm brown eyes of Ginny, that seemed locked with her's in some sort of firm resolution. Her lower lip began to tremble slightly at the sight. She would hold it together, she would. She would not cry until it was over and Ginny was gone. At that point she would lock herself in the bathroom and cry in the shower as she had done so many times before over Ron and other issues. Her breath hitched as very slowly and very deliberately, Ginny lowered her head, tilting it ever so slightly to the left until her lips touched Hermione's.
Closing her eyes as tears began to fall, Hermione could barely believe this was actually happening. Was she really kissing Ginny? Was this real? It all felt so magical, so incredible, and she felt so alive, her heart pounding so hard that her chest felt like it was going to swell and burst. Nothing in her had expected or prepared for this eventuality and she was growing light headed as the pressure against her lips was still there and she fluttered her eyes closed. It was an eternity of bliss, just her lips against Ginny's, more happiness than she had ever expected.
When Ginny eventually pulled away Hermione whimpered a little, wanting, craving more. Opening her eyes again, she saw that Ginny had a slight smirk on her face until the redhead noticed the tears streaming down Hermione's face. The smirk was wiped away to be replaced with a look of concern. "Hey now, what are these for?"
"I was so scared you were going to say you didn't want to be my friend anymore and then you… and we… and I'm so happy. Oh Ginny thank you. That was so wonderful. Does… does this mean that you, that I?" Hermione was excited and stumbled a bit over her words, her yearning clear in her voice.
"Hermione, breathe. It's okay. Relax. It will be alright. Look, through everything you haven't tried to push me or anything, being my friend as opposed to trying to push me into a relationship, which I appreciate. But I have to admit, that you have treated me better than any of my other boyfriends ever have, and that includes Harry, though that one is pretty close. So long as you don't do something daft like leave me because you are trying to do the noble thing in the name of protecting me from a danger I would gladly face alongside you, you are clearly in the lead in this race." Ginny winked at her and Hermione could feel herself start to blush, beginning to feel a little bit better about things. "I mean, you have taken the time to really get to know who I am and what I like as well as to introduce me to all sorts of new and wonderful things. This summer with you has been brilliant and I wouldn't trade it for anything."
"Really?" squeaked Hermione, blushing again as she looked down in embarrassment at the sound of her voice. She could just burry her head under her pillow. Why did she have to sound like an excited five year old right now? How was that even attractive to anyone?
Ginny lifted her head again, leaned in again, and kissed her again, a bit firmer this time, making Hermione's eyes flutter more and her brain stop. As she pulled back she answered, "Yes, really."
"I… uh… ah… guh… you have no problem kissing me? I mean, you're okay with that?" Hermione rolled her eyes at herself. Could she have actually asked a more inane question? Do you have a problem kissing me? Honestly, she had to sound like a blithering idiot right now especially right after being kissed.
"Well, yeah. I have no problem with that at all. Besides the fact that if I actually wanted to be in a relationship with you I really need to be able to kiss you, you… ah… also aren't the first girl I have kissed." admitted Ginny, blushing a little herself, looking towards the ceiling.
"Oh?" Hermione put a lot of meaning into that word, demanding instant clarification from the girl.
Ginny clearly recognized that tone from having seen it in action against Ron and Harry more than once and not wanting to be targeted herself quickly answered, "Hey now, none of that. I was going to tell you everything, so threats are not needed. If you must know the whole tawdry story, it was with Luna and neither of us had started Hogwarts yet, so it was quite a while ago. We had both heard people talking about snogging, both our parents and my brothers, and were wondering about it, because they all sounded really interested in it, especially my brothers. You know Luna, after she heard about it she of course wanted to see what all the fuss was about and figured out all about it, at least as best as she could with the limited resources we had. Well, as no one else was really about but me, given that we didn't really play with Ron much and I have to admit that I was curious as well, we… you know… tried it."
"I see. So Ginny, share, how was snogging Luna?" teased Hermione, her heart still having trouble believing that this whole situation was real. She wanted to pinch herself but if she woke herself up she would probably find a way to hex herself for ruining a beautiful moment.
"Uhm… well it was… kind of odd actually. We had less than no clue what we were doing and so we tried to do what we had seen adults do but with no real context as to what was actually going on… well… awkward is probably the kindest way to describe the whole thing. After several different attempts in a number of different settings and everything, because you know that's Luna, have to try in case something we were doing was wrong, we finally decided that while snogging was interesting from a theoretical standpoint it was not something to really worry about right at that moment. We just couldn't get a handle on it. She also figured that something in the whole situation was missing but neither of us could figure out what it was." Ginny finished the story with a slight grin and a shrug.
"That is so adorable. You two had to have been so cute. No wonder you two are so close." Hermione was feeling a bit playful, as she felt very light and free, so much stress gone. The fact that Ginny had kissed her and said that she wanted to date her had her flying without a broom.
A scandalized Ginny blurted out, "Hermione!"
Hermione giggled some, leaned up and kissed Ginny herself, just to see if she actually could do it or to see if she would be stopped. Ginny leaned into the kiss and Hermione in response opened her mouth some, feeling a greater need for connection with the redhead. Ginny's tongue found entrance and soon the kiss grew deeper and more passionate, the girls pulling each other closer, their breasts pushing against each other, legs hooking and pulling as well. With one hand getting tangled in the straight locks of the redhead, Hermione broke the kiss, pulled Ginny's hair some, making the girl's head go back just a little with a slight gasp and she began to kiss and suck lightly on Ginny's neck.
Ginny moaned low in her throat, pulling Hermione's head against her, the vibrations felt by both of them. Kissing her way back up, Hermione nibbled lightly on Ginny's earlobe and sucked on it lightly, earning a slight shudder from the girl. She then slowly worked her way back to the girl's lips, lips that she was quickly growing addicted to. Hermione felt that she could easily lose herself there and would not mind in the slightest if she did. She felt like this was one of the most unbelievable moments of her life and if it was actually a dream then she was not sure if she ever wanted to wake up. Her mind, giddy on the flood of endorphins, began nagging her, coming to realize that there was something, some unanswered question that still hovered over her, begging to be answered.
Both girls made sounds of disappointment as Hermione pulled away from the intense kissing to look Ginny in her beautiful eyes, eyes that shone in the moonlight, dazzling the girl, nearly rendering her mute. After shaking her head slightly to clear it she took a deep breath, bit her bottom lip and asked what she figured was a rather dumb question, "I know this is a less than perfect time, and this is probably a stupid question considering everything we're doing right now, but you never really said, does this mean you want to be my girlfriend?"
Ginny chuckled, shaking her head slightly in disbelief, her eyes closing. She leaned forward, giving the girl a soft kiss on the lips in an attempt to help make her point clear. "Honestly Hermione, I thought you were the brightest witch of your age."