Chapter 57 A New Morning
When reveille had sounded, Kara had awoken disorientated and drawn after a night tossing on the Admiral's couch. It wasn't that the impromptu bed was uncomfortable, she'd just been afraid to fall asleep. The nightmares were sure to come, they always did, and the last thing she wanted was to wake the Admiral.
So, she had lain quietly throughout the night, pinching her nose whenever she felt herself drifting off. She'd been thankful the Old Man had decided to have Corporal Paulson maintain his watch outside the hatch so he hadn't seen her get up several times to pace—tiptoe really—about the small cabin. Despite her best efforts, though, she must have dozed off shortly before morning. As the wake up call came through the speakers, she jerked upright, blinking about her in confusion and alarm.
Quickly dressing in the private bathroom, Kara was sitting on the couch by the time the Admiral had emerged from his sleeping cubicle. Now she stared dubiously at the tray of food and mugs the teenaged steward set upon the work table. As she watched the Admiral thank the youngster, Kara shifted uneasily, wondering what the fellow would be saying about her to his mates. Not that Starbuck had ever let shipboard gossip, and the tongue-waggers that spread it, bother her in the past.
But, frak…this was the Admiral!
[ I I I I I ]
Adama obliquely scrutinized Kara, frowning as he noticed the dark circles under her eyes. Insight swiftly came to him. She had probably forced herself to stay awake all night. He knew about the nightmares, had discussed them with the doctor and the best way to handle them if—when—they occurred under his care. Now he knew they'd failed to factor in one variable. That Kara might not trust him enough to allow herself to sleep, and dream, in his presence. He'd have to discuss it with Cottle later. In the meantime, they had breakfast to get through.
"Eat," Admiral Adama ordered with a hand flick towards the waiting meal. "Cally will be here in half an hour. Consider her your official escort in the mornings." As Starbuck's eyebrows rose questioningly, he continued, "You'll do a half-shift with Chief Tyrol, Viper maintenance. Then lunch in the mess with the Chief and Cally before returning to these quarters," he said, laying out her schedule.
"The Chief and Cally…" she swallowed twice before continuing, "Do they know?"
"They know you're on supervised probation. And, yes…they know about what happened in the bay," he stated neutrally, watching her eyes shift away. "It was the Chief that found you. And I'm tired of secrets. You have a right to privacy, Captain. But it ends when it threatens the stability of my ship and her crew," his tone uncompromising. And Kara didn't miss his message; her secrets were going to be brought into the open soon, whether she liked it or not.
Adama gave a slight nod as he confirmed she'd received his warning, then continued, "I'll be back after lunch. Some ideas I've been meaning to implement. Now's as good a time as any. I want you to put together contingency plans. See what your 'out of the box' viewpoint can come up with. In addition, I'm tasking you with revising our combat flight training curriculum," he finished, noting the way her eyes lightened as her interested was piqued. He'd hoped she would see the value in what he was proposing, but hadn't been sure that Starbuck wouldn't just brush his ideas aside as 'busy work' he was assigning to keep her out of trouble.
She wandered over to the tray and picked up several selections before retreating to one of the chairs to nibble distracted at them. The Admiral could practically see her agile mind coming awake, twisting and tweaking things only she saw. Breathing a silent sigh of relief, he knew he'd been right to challenge her to redesign the fleet's approach to Cylon warfare. He fervently hoped that it boded well for the rest of his 'plans' where Kara was concerned.
[ I I I I I ]
Starbuck walked beside the chattering Specialist with Sergeant Mathias trailing discretely along behind them. Cally had arrived promptly to 'escort' her to the flight deck after breakfast. As they made their way below, Kara relaxed in the younger woman's company as Cally showed no evidence of discomfort at being with the 'psycho pilot' as she had dubbed herself. The slight woman had also avoided asking questions that Kara had no intention of answering. Instead Cally rattled on about a subject dear to Starbuck's own heart, the condition and inner workings of the Mark II Viper.
By the time they had reached the hanger bay, Kara felt calm enough to ignore the looks cast her way as she presented herself to the Chief for her assignment. It helped that she had known Galen Tyrol almost as long as she had the Admiral. They'd always had a comfortable relationship in the past; he would rake her over for returning his bird in less than pristine condition, and she'd make some smart remark about keeping his lazy butt busy. Underneath, they'd both clearly understood that their lives relied on the other's skill and dedication.
Now that professional respect came to her aid. The Chief gave her a brief, impersonal smile and a list of maintenance jobs that needed an experience hand. He then returned to his own tasks and went about his day like usual.
For Starbuck, getting her hands back on her beloved Vipers was a soothing balm. The morning passed so quickly, that she was surprised when she found the Chief standing beside her, taking the tuning tool from her hands with a grin.
"I'm hungry. Let's knock off and see what the chef managed to do with today's rations," he said, setting aside the instrument and giving a wave for Cally to join them.
With the Sergeant tagging along, they entered the mess and the noisy conversations fell silent as the room's occupants saw her. Kara's face tightened, and she had to force herself not to glare at the curious faces turned her way. Instead, she gave the room a general nod of greeting, randomly chose a few dishes and, carrying her tray, followed Cally to a table. Keeping her gaze fixed on her meal, she pushed the items around the plate, appetite suddenly gone.
Kara caught the worried look Cally exchanged with her husband and his own subtle headshake in response.
"It'll get easier," the Chief said in a low voice.
Turning haunted eyes to him, she gave him a glimpse of her pain before quickly averting her head again. "Can't get worse," was her mumbled reply.
She felt the Chief lean forward and, again pitching his voice so only she could hear, say, "It could be much worse. We could've lost you." With that, he picked up his fork and shoveled food into his mouth, ignoring the startled look Kara gave him. She stared at him for a full minute, then, after a brief glance at the unnaturally silent Cally on her other side, she raised her own fork and forced herself to take a bite. Another followed and Cally, smile breaking forth, began to rattle on about the latest antics of their baby.
After they'd finished, Cally returned her to the Admiral's hatch, leaving Kara standing beside Sergeant Mathias. When the Marine followed her inside, she guessed that the Admiral still didn't trust her on her own.
After the tension in the mess on top of a busy morning and sleepless night, Kara felt herself sagging. She looked briefly around the Admiral's home and decided to ignore her guard as she had in sickbay and stretch out on the couch for a while. Maybe she could get a few hours sleep in before the Admiral returned, she thought muzzily as her eyelids drooped shut.
[ I I I I I ]
Hands moving across her body. They'd start out as gentle caresses then she look down and saw decaying flesh sloughing off as razor-sharp fingers were exposed. As the hands raked her back, her whimpers became screams.
The sound of a hatch being opened propelled Kara from the couch before she'd even opened her eyes. Two figures were hurrying towards her and she reacted, launching herself with a cry of defiance directly at the one in front.
As she plowed into the lead figure, surprising the form with the speed of her attack, her target stumbled back, trying to fend her off. Starbuck yelled again as arms were clamped around her from behind, lifting her from her feet. Throwing her head back at her second attacker, she felt the impact and heard a man's grunt of pain.
"Kara, stop!"the Admiral demanded, then, as she continued to struggle, "I gave you an order, Captain!" His command voice reached through the haze that filled her mind. She abruptly stop thrashing within his arms, though her shuddering breaths still labored against his iron grip.
"Stay back," the Admiral ordered when the Sergeant started towards them. "Kara, can you hear me? Kara, please…" he pleaded. She bent her head and relaxed within his grip. "I'm going to release you now." He eased his grasp, and she collapsed to her knees, pulling him partially down with her as she tried to curl into herself.
[ I I I I I ]
Glancing up at the guard, "Get Doc Cottle, and do it quietly," Adama ordered. Mathias' reluctance to leave was obvious, but then she turned and hurried from the room.
The Admiral slowly released his hold, sliding his arms free from the hunched form. As he did, Kara began rocking back and forth over her knees. Wanting her to know he was there, he laid a gentle hand on her shoulder, only to have her duck away and scramble across to the corner. She drew her knees up and sat with head buried into them, hands clamped protectively over her head. Just like before. Bill suddenly wondered if this was how Kara had reacted as a child when she'd expected a beating. His stomach turned that she reacted this way to him. She had to know he wouldn't strike her!
But not all blows are physical, a small voice within taunted as the scene in the rec room played out again in his memory. His shove had been as good as a punch for he'd done it in anger. And each of his words might as well have been delivered with a fist for the damage they'd done.
He turned away from the huddled shape and the grinding guilt.
Grabbing tissues from his desk, he attempted to stanch the bloody flow from his nose. Then, taking a few deep breaths, turned and cautiously approached Kara again. He couldn't rewind time, just had to find the way forward from here to repair what had been broken.
Squatting a short distance from her, "Starbuck…Kara?" he prodded, using his voice alone to try to reach her. Blonde head still partly hidden by her arms, Kara acknowledged his presence with a shake of her head, but refused to look up.
He rose as the hatch swung open, admitting the white-haired physician and his escort. The Sergeant, looking relieved to find both of her charges relatively unharmed, took up position inside the closed door as the doctor she'd brought grimly surveyed the scene
Adama saw Cottle draw forth a syringe and move with slow, deliberate motions to kneel beside his patient. "Captain Thrace, I'm going to give you something to take the edge off," the elderly physician said, and with quick efficiency born of years of practice, injected the syringe's contents into the locked muscles of Starbuck's bicep. Bill saw that she hardly twitched at the needle's bite.
Both men could see the drug take effect as Kara's clamped form slowly relaxed, shoulders drooping as her hands fell from their protective position. She still kept her face pressed against her knees, but Cottle seemed satisfied as he stood to face his Admiral.
"What happened this time, Bill," the doctor asked, concern making his hushed voice harsh in the quiet cabin.
"I think we woke her from a nightmare," he answered, remembering the shock of suddenly hearing her screams as he opened the hatch to his quarters. "She was lying on the couch screaming when I entered. She came at us so fast… I'm not sure she was even awake at first," he said, recalling the glazed eyes and feral expression. "She laid into the Sergeant, but I was able to grab her from behind…which is when she gave me this," he explained, gingerly touching his sore face.
Inspecting the Admiral's nose, Cottle said, "Yup, it's broke alright. Might even improve your looks if your lucky."
"Right. We could use some of that luck," Bill muttered, his gaze irresistibly drawn back to the quiet form in the corner.
"We've been incredibly lucky, you know." Cottle nodded at Adama's disbelieving stare. "Thrace's survival has been lucky every step of the way," the doctor assured him. "She survived an abusive childhood, a Cylon invasion, four months in that hellhole and a breakdown. Any of which could—probably should—have been fatal," he listed off. Then, "She's a survivor, Bill. I know this looks bad, but it's not unexpected." Adama's eyebrows rose at that, and he frowned as the Doc continued, "I warned you about nightmares. This is not the setback you think it is."
"What am I suppose to do now?" he growled, not reassured by the doctor's assertion.
"Help me figure out what set her off this time," Cottle answered soberly. "You said she was sleeping. At this time of day?"
"I don't think she slept last night. Not judging by how she looked this morning. Since I confined her to quarters in the afternoon, she probably decided to get some rack time before I returned," the Admiral surmised.
Pulling a cigarette from his pocket, Cottle lit it before speaking. "Hmm. Kept herself awake last night, huh? Probably afraid of something just like this," the doctor stated, giving a vague wave to indicate their current situation. "Should've know Starbuck wouldn't want you knowing about her nightmares. Well, can't have her refusing to sleep. I suspect that's one thing that precipitated her initial breakdown. I'll prescribe some pills to see her through the next few days or so. I'll send up a cold pack for that nose of yours as well."
"So…now what?" he asked again, inclining his head towards the corner.
"Let's see if we can get her on her feet, or at least upright. Don't like seeing her that way. Things are wrong with the world when Starbuck's docile," Cottle said gruffly, stubbing out his cigarette before giving Bill a nudge to approach Kara.
Kara slowly raised exhausted eyes to meet her Admiral's as he asked, "Can you stand?" She blinked vaguely at his question. Trying a different tact, "On your feet, soldier," he ordered, using his best command voice again. His relief returned as Starbuck pushed herself unsteadily up, and assumed the attention stance, training providing the necessary impetus.
As Cottle stepped forward, Bill observed with approval that Kara tracked his movement.
"You, young lady, are under doctor's orders to rest. I'm going to give you some pills to help you sleep. You will take them, Captain," the physician stated in his brook-no-argument voice. Turning to the Admiral, "Get her to rest this afternoon. With the shot I gave her, she should have several hours of undisturbed sleep," he said, then exited the cabin.