AN: Happy Friday everyone!
It's far too early here to be as tired as I am, so I'm hoping I perk up in a bit. Here's a little chapter to keep us going. I'll try to write more…here or elsewhere…later, but no promises unless I get some energy.
I hope you enjoy. Let me know what you think!
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Daryl wanted to talk to Carol before they both went to work, but things just didn't seem to work out like he wanted on a regular basis. By the time that Carol wasn't sick and they were trying to get ready to leave, there just wasn't enough time to recount all the stupidity of Merle in the detail that it merited.
They had agreed, then, that it would be better to wait until after work to discuss things, and both had gone their separate ways sharing only their brief morning exchange of a kiss and "love you" and an out the door for another great day.
And now Daryl felt like he was overthinking the whole damn thing because he couldn't get his brain to slow down for a fraction of a second, less likely stop. He'd been working on the farm but he was failing at nearly everything that he tried to do.
He'd busted a hole in a feed bag and didn't realize the bag was getting lighter until he'd damn near made a trail two inches thick running from the barn all the way down to the feeders.
After that he tried to load some hay bales for Hershel and dropped at least two of them before reaching his destination, tearing the bailing wire on one of them and leaving almost a fourth of the bale scattered around the ground to rake up later.
Merle knew how to make him doubt every damn thing in life and it was infuriating, especially because, deep down, Daryl was beginning to suspect that Merle only fucked with him to make Merle feel better about his own damn insecurities.
"Son," Hershel said, approaching Daryl, "could I have a word with you?"
Daryl could already feel it coming. Merle had fucked with him enough he had him doubting the hell out of himself and out of Carol…he'd caused him to fight with her which didn't make the day any damn better…and now he was probably about to get his ass fired by Hershel Greene for winning the farm fuck up of the year award. Daryl wished he'd broken Merle's jaw to go with his damn nose.
Daryl sighed and turned around, taking off the gloves that he was wearing and trying to figure out if he should consider groveling to keep his job or just bow the hell out gracefully.
He didn't say anything, though, he just looked at the old man and waited for it.
"Am I being too forward, Daryl, if I ask you what's going on with you today?" Hershel asked. "You've been a little distracted and frankly all day you've looked like a dog that's just got his tail slammed in the door. Is everything alright with Carol?"
Well that wasn't what Daryl was expecting. That wasn't what he was expecting in the least. Daryl bit at his thumb nail and tasted the flavor of the leather that had saturated his hands from the gloves.
"Yeah…" Daryl said. "I mean it's alright…I don't…it's nothin', just havin' an off day, but I'ma pay more attention an' I done got all that hay up…"
Daryl realized he was rambling but at the moment he had about as much ability to stop the rambling as he had to stop his brain from going over and over what Merle said and from stewing about what he could do to fix his brother's broken ass brain.
Hershel knit his eyebrows together at Daryl nodded a little, his hands diving into his pockets as he rocked back on his heels a bit.
"I see…" Hershel said. "Son, I'm not mad about the hay…or the feed for that matter. Hasn't been much of a day at the farm if nothing's been spilled. What's on your mind, though, Daryl?"
Daryl eyed the old man.
"Ain't really nothin' I wanta tell ya 'bout…I mean a lot of it ain't gon' sound real good an'…" Daryl started.
"Are you going to tell me something about life I haven't heard before?" Hershel asked, chuckling a little.
Daryl didn't know if Hershel had heard of anyone that was the likes of Merle in his life or not, and Daryl wasn't sure that he could describe Merle and still keep his language under the check that a man like Hershel Greene deserved.
Daryl wasn't sure how to answer the question, though, and he just looked at Hershel in response.
Hershel reached out and clapped him on the shoulder.
"Daryl, I suppose in my life I've seen most everything…and what I haven't seen, I've heard. Now if you've got something that can really surprise me then I'd love to hear it. New things keep life interesting," Hershel said.
"I've got to get back to work…" Daryl started.
"No offense, son, but with the quality of work you're doing right now, I'd really rather you didn't," Hershel said. "So why don't you keep an old man company and give me a little something to think about tonight after I've finished reading my almanac?"
Daryl sighed.
"It's my dumb a-, it's my dumb brother. He's gone an' f-…" Daryl started. Hershel reached out and put his hand on Daryl's shoulder.
"I believe I can edit for you, Daryl, just spit it out," Hershel said.
Daryl growled a little in his throat.
"It's Merle. He's done gone an' fucked things up with Andrea. Now he's drinkin' again an' he was sayin' things about Carol. He was sayin' she weren't really pregnant, an' that if she is it prob'ly ain't mine 'cause she's screwin' 'round an' I'm too damn stupid ta notice. So now I can't keep from thinkin' 'bout that shit an' I ain't even got half a damn clue what to do with Merle besides that!" Daryl said, his frustration coming out strong enough he almost wished Merle was in front of him so he could hit him again.
Hershel nodded his head, a slight smile flickering across his lips.
"Daryl…Carol Ann is pregnant, don't you worry about that. No one would wilt some bushes just to pull the wool over your eyes. As for the other accusations, I don't know what has and hasn't happened between you two or anyone else…but do you think Carol is having an affair?" Hershel asked.
Daryl thought about it and shook his head. He really didn't think she was, but that didn't mean that it wasn't burrowing a hole right through his brain just as if the thought had been a night crawler.
"And do you think that baby is yours?" Hershel asked.
Daryl nodded.
Hershel shrugged.
"Then that's all there is to it, son. Don't let your brother's bitterness make you lose even one moment of your happiness. He has the ability to decide if he's going to say something like that to you, but you're the one that decides if it's going to bother you," Hershel said.
"Yeah, I know that," Daryl said, "but it don't mean that I don't keep worryin' 'bout it."
Hershel nodded his head adamantly as though he were agreeing with some profound statement and Daryl didn't feel like he had enough energy to come up with anything profound today.
"Come here, Daryl," Hershel said. "I want to show you something my grandfather showed me and it's been one of the most important things I've seen in my life."
Hershel started to walk away and Daryl followed. If there was something that was important enough that Hershel could say that in all his life it had been one of the most important things he'd ever seen, then Daryl was all about seeing it.
Daryl followed Hershel almost off the property and watched as the old man searched around in the thick of some kudzu, finally coming up and walking over in front of Daryl. He leaned down and put a large, dirty rock on the ground. Daryl couldn't see anything special about the rock. There were probably at least two dozen more to be found in the same area if one wanted to go digging through damp kudzu.
"It's a rock," Daryl said.
Hershel nodded.
"I want you to move that rock, Daryl," Hershel said.
Daryl shrugged and reached down to pick up the dirty rock.
"No, not with your hands," Hershel corrected. "I want you to tell that rock to move until it goes back into those vines."
Daryl looked at Hershel, wondering if the old man was starting to go a little bit senile.
"Can't make no rock move," Daryl said. "It's just a stupid rock. Ya could talk ta it all damn day."
Hershel nodded.
"The rock might be dumb," Hershel said, "but words are weak. You could move that rock with your hands, couldn't you? Or kick it?"
"Well, yeah…" Daryl said.
Hershel shrugged.
"So there you go, Daryl. You can't move that rock with neither words nor worry, son. They're weak things that can't do anything. So don't let them get control of your mind," Hershel said. "And you've got to stay on top of it. Doubt and worry, all those things are like that kudzu over there. It doesn't take much to get it to take root, but once it gets going in your mind it'll choke everything else out."
"So you're sayin' not ta let Merle make me worry 'bout shit he when he's just blowin' smoke?" Daryl said, finally chuckling a little.
"Exactly," Hershel said.
Daryl sighed. He knew it was true and he was going to have to learn to let Merle's words bounce off him somehow…like BBs of a tin sign. He would never get Merle to stop talking, that wasn't going to happen until they laid his sorry ass to rest, but Daryl knew he had to learn to ignore Merle if he wasn't going to let Merle keep messing with his happiness.
"Ya got any tricks ta fix Merle?" Daryl asked.
Hershel chuckled.
"What's wrong with him exactly?" Hershel asked.
"Far as I can tell his head's pretty far wedged up his ass," Daryl said.
Hershel laughed.
"That's a pretty common problem, Daryl, but it's one I haven't figured out how to fix for people yet," Hershel responded.
Daryl sighed.
"Figures," he said. "I don't know what ta do 'bout him neither an' he's gonna get himself killed…prob'ly by me…if'n can't nobody figure out what to do."
"Maybe it's just best to let him alone," Hershel said. "You can't make somebody be something they're not willing to be, and trying to change them when their minds are made up is about as effective as beating your head against a wall and expecting them to get the headache."
Daryl chuckled.
"That's about what it feels like talkin' ta Merle," Daryl said. "'Cept given my druthers, I'd take the wall."
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Daryl and Carol picked up food from the Dairy-O and drove out to the lake to park and eat. It was the only way they were going to get any privacy since it wouldn't be very nice to send Andrea to one of the rooms with no furniture and Daryl didn't feel like she couldn't overhear them in their bedroom. So the only other option had really been to take off on their own.
"You going to tell me now what happened with Merle?" Carol asked.
"He's a dumb ass," Daryl said, taking a bite out of his cheeseburger and frowning at the giant glob of ketchup that immediately fell into his lap. Carol passed him some napkins.
"I already knew that, Daryl…I doubt that's what had you so spitfire mad," Carol said.
"He was drinkin' again an' he ain't done that shit since the night we hauled him from the Water Ho. He wanted ta get mouthy an' start sayin' shit an' it pissed me off, so I think I broke his nose," Daryl said.
Carol giggled lightly.
"You broke his nose?" She asked.
Daryl shrugged.
"Didn't really mean ta do it but the son of a bitch pushed me an' I did it 'fore I really even fuckin' knew what I was doin'…I thought I was just gonna think it an' then I'd already done it," Daryl responded.
"What was he harassing you about?" Carol asked.
"Don't matter," Daryl said. "I don't give a shit no more."
"Well it must have mattered," Carol said. "You came in the house mad enough to scream and snort and want to push me around."
"That's part your fault too, ya know?" Daryl said. "I know we s'posed ta be doin' so good an' shit 'bout talkin' every damn thing out, but I ain't wired that way. I'm havin' ta fuckin' learn 'bout talkin' every damn thing out an' sometimes I just need ta breathe without'cha right up under foot."
Carol turned in the seat trying not to show that she was hurt. She wanted things to work with Daryl, but she didn't know much about talking things out either. Most the time talking things out with Ed had really been more of his fists talking.
Carol cleared her throat a little and picked at the burger she was only half interested in eating.
"So I'm not supposed to talk to you when you've been fighting with Merle?" Carol asked.
Daryl sucked his teeth.
"Damn it, don't go gettin' that tone a' voice," Daryl said. "I ain't done a damn thing to ya!"
"I'm not getting a tone of voice," Carol responded. She put the burger down and wrapped it back in the paper. Maybe she'd eat it later, or someone would. If nothing else she could take it home and give it to Lincoln. It really wasn't very appealing, and it certainly wasn't at the moment.
"Ya gettin' that tone a' voice where ya 'bout ta start poutin' or cryin' one an' I just don't feel like it right now," Daryl said.
"I'm not trying to get a tone of voice," Carol said. "I'm trying to understand what exactly it is that you want…you want to talk to me about things, but you want me not to talk to you when you've been having it out with Merle? Are there other people that you talk to that I can't talk to you afterwards?"
She was trying to pay attention to her voice now, but she knew it didn't sound quite right despite her best efforts. He'd hurt her feelings and she was having a hard time getting them completely under control.
Daryl growled a little.
"Listen, I'm just sayin' ya know how Merle is an' he starts talkin' shit an' then I gotta fuckin' deal with it or what I say ta ya ain't gon' be even half as nice as what I said last night. He was sayin' ya ain't even pregnant an' that if ya is, ain't my young'un no way. Said it was Shane Walsh's kid an' that ya fuckin' 'round," Daryl said. "I can't listen ta that shit an' then not have a couple minutes ta deal with it 'fore I'm s'posed ta just start talkin'."
Carol didn't doubt at all that Merle had said those things. They sounded just like Merle. He had some kind of problem with her or some kind of problem with her being with Daryl, though she wasn't sure which. Regardless of whether it was a case of the chicken or the egg, the fact remained that Merle didn't have any problem talking about her in a less than flattering manner.
"Daryl," Carol said. "I'm sorry that Merle pushes your buttons that way…and if I made it worse then I'm sorry for that too."
Daryl grunted some sort of response and pretended he had an extreme interest in the fries that he was eating and needed to carefully examine each of them before taking a bite. Carol handed him her fries, figuring he might as well finish them while he was going. He took them quietly but didn't look at her.
"I am pregnant," Carol said, "and it is yours. I told you that I didn't sleep with Shane Walsh…and I'm certainly not messing around…though that isn't the first time Merle's tried to suggest it."
"What are ya talkin' 'bout?" Daryl asked, turning toward her now, his brow wrinkled.
"Merle saw me talking to that neighbor…the man I told you about. He tried to make it into more than it was," Carol said. "I think he doesn't care for me."
"I don't give a fuck what Merle cares about," Daryl said. "Merle don't even know what he fuckin' cares about."
Carol chuckled.
"So can we just agree that I shouldn't have bothered you and you shouldn't have overreacted at me and call it done?" Carol asked. "Or is there something else we're supposed to do?"
Daryl shrugged.
"Fine by me," Daryl said. "I'm so damn tired a' my brother right this minute I'd like ta hang his ass up by his nuts. Wore me slap out today just thinkin' 'bout it an' I don't even know if the fucker went ta work or not."
"He went to work," Carol said. "I had Michonne call Tyreese and check."
Daryl snickered.
"Checkin' up on Merle is ya?" Daryl asked.
"He's your brother," Carol said.
Daryl looked at the bags between them in the seat.
"Ya didn't eat your food," he said.
"I didn't want it," Carol said.
Daryl frowned at her.
"Is it because a' all this Merle mess?" Daryl asked.
Carol shook her head.
"I didn't really want it before the Merle mess," she said. "It's fine, Daryl. You don't really believe I cheated on you, though, do you?"
Daryl shook his head.
"No, I don't believe a damn thing the bastard said," Daryl said. "Don't worry 'bout it."
Carol could tell that everything with Merle had drained Daryl. It was evident that he was emotionally and physically exhausted, and she hated thinking that she might be responsible for adding to it.
"What we gon' do 'bout Merle an' Andrea?" Daryl asked a moment later.
Carol shrugged.
"Andrea's not budging on the fact that she's not going to be the one to apologize," Carol said. "Merle's either going to have to get off his high horse or Andrea's going to move on…and I can't say as I blame her. She could do better."
Daryl sighed and nodded. Carol watched as he rubbed at his temples.
"Yeah, well, she just might have ta do better 'cause Merle's one hard headed asshole an' he thinks he got somethin' ta prove here," Daryl responded. "I wanna fix it, but I ain't even sure how ta begin."
"Might not be able to fix it, Daryl," Carol said. "Merle's got to want to fix it before anyone else can do anything."
Daryl shook his head.
"I just feel like Andrea helped us…or at least she tried ta help us…I feel like we owe her somethin'," Daryl said.
"We wanted to be helped Daryl…" Carol said. "We wanted to be together and we just needed that little nudge to help us get here and…with any luck…figure out how to stay here. Andrea and Merle aren't like us."
Daryl sighed.
"Ya ready ta go home?" He asked, turning to look at Carol again.
She nodded.
"Tell you what," she said. "When we get home, I'll give you a back rub and we can call it an early night."
Daryl chuckled.
"I really am a damn pussy…" he said.
"Why do you say that?" Carol asked. She wasn't sure what in the suggestion was something that was supposed to be terrible enough that it would merit using Merle's favorite slur for Daryl.
Daryl chuckled.
"'Cause that sounds like the best damn idea I heard in days, woman," Daryl said.
Carol smiled, realizing he was teasing with her now. Daryl lifted his arm up and reached toward her and for a moment she hesitated, not sure if she was reading him right or not.
"Scoot on over here," he said.
Carol moved the unwanted food bags to the foot and moved over, changing her seat to the middle of the truck so she could snuggle against Daryl as he drove home.
She really hoped they'd be able to figure out something to help Andrea and Merle…at least if that's what was best for both of them, but she believed what she'd said. Nothing they said or did was going to help Merle in the slightest until he decided to quit being so afraid of commitment and take control of his own life.
It might have been cruel towards Merle, but Carol didn't think Andrea deserved to stay with a man who couldn't or wouldn't admit that he loved her. She didn't exactly think they should try to push Andrea away from Merle, but Carol had to admit that she wouldn't mind seeing her friend treated the way she should be treated…and maybe Merle would come to his senses if he could see it too.