Chapter 62 Marriage Bonds
The Starbuck glare was in full force as Laura leaned forward and repeated her question.
"Kara, how did Sam die?"
If anything, the glare intensified and Laura had to restrain a sigh. The previous two sessions had gone reasonably well; Kara going into greater detail about what they'd already covered with only mildly grudging resistance. Now, as Laura decided it was time to push again, Starbuck's defenses appeared to be firmly back in place.
This evening Laura had chosen to take a seat in the middle of the Admiral's C-curved couch and patted the cushion beside her. Obviously suspecting that the change meant Laura was going to be asking harder questions, Kara had hesitated a long moment before taking the indicated spot.
The sofa setup wasn't ideal for a face-to-face confrontation. On one hand, it required Laura to angle herself and turn her head to maintain eye contact, but she had carefully considered her choice before sitting. The advantage was that she hoped Kara would feel less like she was being interrogated and more that they were just chatting, at least on a subliminal level. It also allowed Laura to be physically closer, ready to offer support if the opportunity came up. Watching the younger woman bristle suspiciously, Laura suddenly doubted that likelihood.
As Starbuck continued glaring at her, Laura maintained her silence, not bothering to ask the question a third time, just keeping her gaze level and unruffled as she met—and deflected—the emerald shards coming her way.
"D'Anna stabbed him and he bled out, ok?" the sullen reply finally broke their standoff.
Laura stiffened. Had Kara been there when it happened? "D'Anna? D'Anna Biers, the Cylon that posed as a reporter?" she cautiously prompted.
"Yeah, that one…or I guess she's a Three. Whatever."
Now, what would the reporter want with Kara? Of course D'Anna had only posed as a reporter to infiltrate the fleet, Laura reminded herself. Her eyes narrowed as she contemplated what role this particular Cylon model had played in Kara's interrogation—and her husband's death.
"This D'Anna, she questioned you?" she finally asked as the silence lengthened again.
"Not exactly," Starbuck hedged.
"Then what exactly? What did D'Anna want if not answers?" Laura pushed, feeling that she was coming to a crucial point.
Kara was looking away as she finally answered, "She wanted my compliance… Wanted me to beg. Said she'd stop if I asked nicely," Kara's voice was complex with dark emotions.
"Stop what? What was D'Anna doing that she wanted you to beg to have stopped?" Laura watched as the blonde head dropped to her chest and a shudder spasmed her shoulders.
"It's Anders," the words seem to be coming from a distance as Kara pushed them forth, "She had Sam…and hurt him…" Kara's eyes are clamped shut in her white face. "She had my knife…and she cut him. Said just ask nicely and she'd stop. Like either of us believed that." A bitter laugh cracked from Kara's tight features, and Laura cringed at the impression that it wouldn't take much to shatter the younger woman.
"Kara?"
She shook her head, but then continued, "She watched me…and smiled as she cut him. He knew, we both knew. Couldn't say anything. Couldn't break." Kara paused, rubbing briefly at her temples. She dropped her hands to her side and continued, "See, I didn't remember what had happened before, with my back and…and Boomer." She gave a harsh laugh devoid of humor. "Completely forgot I was gonna tell them whatever they wanted to know. Convenient, huh?"
"It was a defense mechanism," Laura interjected. "You subconsciously continued to resist in the only way they had left you. By blocking out what was too much to endure."
"Right. Then tell me why I didn't just shuffle away what happened with Sam?" Kara's lip curled and she gave a sniff as if scenting a bad odor. "Cause, believe me, I'd love to misfile that memory, Madam President."
"I don't know, Kara." Laura pushed ahead. "What did the Cylon do to Samuel?"
"Amused herself for awhile. Notching patterns into his chest and taunting me," Kara bitterly replied and Laura scrutinized her carefully, watching for signs that the troubled woman was losing herself into a flashback as she related what had happened. "He didn't break. We didn't, but then…" As Kara faltered, Laura saw the guilt that caused her to hunch forward.
"Then what?"
"She started taunting him. About us. About our marriage." Laura considered asking what the Cylon had said, but held her silence as Kara continued after taking a shaky breath. "She was gloating, came too close, and I hit her… And she killed him," the flatly spoken words were belied by the haunted green eyes that lifted to meet Laura's. "If I hadn't—"
"Don't," Laura interrupted. "You know she was going to kill him anyways." As Kara opened her mouth, Laura raised her hand and said, "You know it. She would have drawn it out as long as possible, but the result in the end would have been the same." The blonde head turned away. "It was quicker this way," Laura said, offering what little solace she could.
As Kara stared down at her clenched hands in her lap, Laura observed the battle waging between acceptance of Laura's words and Kara's own ingrained belief in her culpability for all the calamities in her life. Truth told, she doubted that the Kara was capable of letting go of her indoctrination any time soon. That was going to take more than a mere handful of chats. When the green eyes shifted to hers again, the shamed grief in their depths confirmed Laura's prediction.
"Sam died because of me. They…they knew who he was. If he hadn't married me, they wouldn't have bothered with him and he'd still be alive."
Laura frowned. It almost sounded like Kara didn't know about her husband's part in the Insurgency. As she thought about it, she realized that it was certainly a possibility if Kara hadn't asked anyone—and people would likely have been hesitant to broach the subject with her when they knew that Anders hadn't survived.
"That's certainly not true," Laura firmly contradicted her. "Not only were the Cylons quite aware of Samuel's activities back on Caprica, but he was caught leading a raid to destroy the power plant they were building on New Caprica. In fact, he, Colonel Tigh and Galen Tyrol were the leaders of the Resistance, so D'Anna would have been thrilled by his capture, and his interrogation would have been exhaustive if she hadn't prematurely killed him. I'm positive that she regretted that mistake."
Kara gave her a startled look. "Sammy never did know how to keep his head down," she said and turned her face away, surreptitiously brushing at her eyes.
Giving Kara time to compose herself, the ex-teacher dabbed at her own, surprised at the wetness on her cheek.
"Did you get what you wanted?"
The sudden bitter accusation rocked Laura mentally backwards. It took her several beats to understand what Kara meant, and to realize that she was reverting to Starbuck's offensive response when caught out in a moment of weakness.
"Kara, this isn't about what I want. It's about what you need," Laura tried to explain.
"I suppose you think I need a good cry. Figure that'll fix me right up?" Still refusing to look at Laura. "I keep telling you it's not that simple. Anders is dead. Rotting…" Kara broke off mid-sentence, and Laura could see the spasm pass through the blonde's lean frame and her face blanch.
Taken aback by Kara's abrupt reaction, Laura reached out and lightly touched her shoulder, offering comfort.
The speed of Starbuck's response shocked the older woman. The blonde shot to her feet, knocking Laura's hand aside in one fluid movement. Then Starbuck was looming over her, face contorted and her hand cocked back to strike.
Laura instinctively threw up her own arm protectively over her face, falling against the sofa back. When the blow didn't come, she let the breath she'd inhaled hiss out, and tentatively lowered her arm.
Kara stood several feet distant, slowly backing away with her arms hanging limply at her side. A look of horror dilated the pupils of the sunken eyes and she abruptly turned and covered her face with her hands.
"You should've just left me there. Would've been better for everyone. Safer," Kara said, her voice filled with self-loathing now.
"We've been over this before," Laura vehemently said. "You're hurting. Wounded. And in words that the Admiral would use, we don't leave our wounded behind." She stood and moved closer, careful to not crowd Kara this time.
"My mother was frakkin' right."
Laura closed her eyes briefly, this discussion kept taking unexpected turns that left her feeling motion sick. Well, something made the bile rise in her throat. Gods, does it always come back to the mother in the end, Laura wondered, feeling weary beyond her years. Are we destined to damage our children so badly that they never recover?
"Your mother was wrong, Kara. You've grown into a strong and beautiful woman that any mother with sense would be proud to call her own." Laura ignored the blonde's headshake. This was just not the time to pursue that topic.
"I think that's enough for tonight, Kara. But I want you to know, you did well," Laura said firmly.
[ I I I I I ]
Kara heard Laura and it was all she could do to keep from turning around and bitterly laughing in the older woman's face. Instead, she said, "Right,I almost hit you," and still refused to face Laura. "Gods, I need a drink…or twenty."
Hearing the hatch open behind her, she could tell that the President was speaking to the guard beyond. She turned her head enough to peer over her shoulder to see if she was finally alone. No such luck. Laura had wandered over the Admiral's bar and was pouring herself to a stiff shot. A bitter smirk twisted one corner of Kara's mouth; she'd succeeded in driving another one of her superior to drink. Another stellar Starbuck success.
"Join me? I dare say the Admiral won't begrudge us one each. Twenty might be excessive, though," Laura said, holding out a glass to her.
Kara debated turning away again, but the lure of the liquid fire was just too much to resist. Maybe it would melt the glacier that had settled in her chest. With jerky strides, she walked over and took the drink with a hand that only shook a little. She tossed the amber liquid back and felt it burn its way down her tight throat. As it hit the bottom, the chill did seem to give way before its spreading warmth.
Giving Laura the smallest of nods in gratitude, she wandered away again. She was too tired to make polite conversation and was wondering how much longer she'd have to endure the President's presence when the hatch opened, and Helo stepped through.
"Madam President," he said, giving her a brief nod.
"Captain Agathon, we were expecting the Major?" Roslin's tone was calmly inquiring. Helo's eyes shifted from her to Kara and back.
"Apollo's been unavoidably detained. Since I'm off-shift, I offered myself in his stead."
Kara saw Laura about to speak, then pause and just give a nod before swiveling back to face Kara. "Until tomorrow then."
As the hatched closed behind Roslin's departing back, Kara regarded her once-friend with a cold stare. "Why're you here, Helo?"
"Since Lee couldn't, figured I'd offer my services to whip your ass back in shape," he lightly teased, seeming oblivious to her less than warm reception.
"They're not needed, so you can go," she said. Then, as he gave her a perplexed look, "I'm sure Sharon'll appreciate your presence more than me." She turned and walked over to the bar, setting her empty tumbler on the counter. Hearing his steps draw near rather than leaving, Kara swung back to face him.
"What's going on, Kara?" Concern tightened the lines of his brow.
"Nothing. I just don't need you."
"Nothing, like hell," he said, squinting slightly as he stepped closer. "You're pissed at me. What for?"
She crossed her arms and gave him a stony stare.
"Is it Sharon? I thought we were way beyond that, Buck."
"Not, Sharon. Not really," she said. "No, it's you. Don't need a friend like you is all."
She watched him recoil as if physically struck, then shift forward again before saying, "Hey, whatever I've done, I'm sorry, Ok. Just give me a bitty clue here, cause you know I'm kinda slow sometimes." He was doing it again; trying to jest with her like this was just one of her broody mood swings.
"Give you a clue? Like you really don't know what you did?" She shook her head. "If you don't get it after losing Hera, then you're too stupid to understand at all."
Again her words hit him like blows and he gust out a breath. "Gods, Kara. What the hell—" he broke off and she saw his eyes widen suddenly. "This is about Kacey?"
Her eyes flickered away at the name, then back to him as he reached for her. This time the blow was physical as she slammed both palms against his chest, thrusting him away.
"Kara, I—"
"Don't bother, Helo."
"But, I was just…" he tried again but trailed off at the unforgiving glare.
"What you and Cottle did... Losing her once was bad enough." She spun back to the bar and swallowed hard. She was not—frakkin' not—going cry in front of him.
"Kacey was—" he started.
Grabbing the empty glass, Kara turned and threw it against the far wall. The shattering sound severed whatever he'd been about to say and Helo looked from her to the scattered shards and back.
"Ok. I'll go," he said, voice and expression tight. "But we aren't done. I won't let you push me away forever, Starbuck." Giving her a last frustrated glance, he walked to the hatch and let himself out, sharing a brief word with the Sergeant before striding off.