Chapter 65 Sustenance

Laura studied Kara as she took a seat. The younger woman appeared in better shape than Laura had expected. She'd heard through a source about Kara's visit to the Cylon holding cell and had been initially concerned that it might set their progress back. Tapping a finger on the armrest, she briefly considered if Major Apollo had been wrong in denying Kara access. Laura had little doubt about what the younger woman had wanted to do to the prisoners, she just thought that a controlled confrontation might have been beneficial. Given the right oversight, it had had the potential of being cathartic.

With a mental shrug, she let the thought go, it was far too late to suggest the idea now, anyways. But she was pleasantly surprised to find Kara reasonably calm and not bursting with the restrained anger she'd been expecting. Laura decided to get straight to the matter she was determined to cover tonight.

Leaning forward, "Tell me what happened after Sam died," she asked, tone both coaxing and commanding.

A mix of emotions tightened Kara's suddenly vulnerable face, and Laura suspected that they might be approaching a key to the psychic wounds the young woman seemed desperate to conceal.

"After…after Sam…" Kara began, but trailed off. Laura could almost see the mental shift as Starbuck was pushed to the forefront yet again before she continued, "They decided to leave me to think about it for awhile. Oh, and they cut off my room service. Guess I forgot to pay the room bill."

Laura took a second to decipher what Starbuck was getting at, and then lifted an eyebrow in understanding.

"They withheld food?" she guessed.

"Got it in one. Always knew you were sharp."

Laura tilted her head, seeing through Kara's attempt to make light of it; she was hiding behind Starbuck again and, in this battle of wills, Laura was not going to let her get away with it. This constant fight to get past the pilot persona was tiring but Laura had known going in that it would be necessary. She just hadn't realized it would be an every single time thing.

"So, whose idea was that?" she calmly asked, firmly suppressing her frustration.

Starbuck gave a shrug and said, "Don't know. Don't care," her nonchalant manner belied by the quickening of her breath.

"It was Leoben, wasn't it, Kara?" Laura's guess was confirmed when Kara stiffened, her frame tensing.

"Like I said…don't know and don't care," Starbuck repressively said, crossing her arms over her chest.

"But you do know. And for some reason it matters very much. Why do you suppose that is?"

Observing the thinning lips and closed posture, Laura recognized that Kara was digging in her heels again. A wave of weariness swept through her as she tried to think of a way to bypass Starbuck's defenses. The signs all pointed to something Kara was hiding. Something involving the male Cylon. Knowing that it was likely of a sexual nature only made Laura even more unsure of how to handle the situation. As a wave of fatigue rolled through her, she was tempted for a moment to insist that Bill find someone better qualified to fill her place. But, as she caught a glimpse of the vulnerable young woman that lurked behind the defiant eyes, Laura shoved the thought aside and mentally girded her loins, preparing herself to face off against the Viper jock once again.

"Leoben suggested it, didn't he? We both know it. Why deny it, Kara?" Laura pushed, and was prepared this time when Starbuck pushed back, exploding off the sofa to lean menacing over her.

"I. Don't. Know," she hissed, inches from Laura's face. "They left me in that frakkin' cell. It was hell, Ok. Is that what you want me to say?" Then, easing away slightly, she added in a more controlled voice, "It wasn't a frakkin' party, you know."

Determined, voice firm, Laura forged ahead, "They left you alone?" she asked, ignoring the quiver in her stomach in response to Starbuck's invasion of her personal space.

The green-gold eyes blinked several times as if Kara were confused by what exactly was meant by the question. Abruptly jerking back from her looming position, Starbuck moved away, and Laura felt stomach muscles loosen as the blonde's palpable energy withdrew.

Watching her stalk around the room, Laura was reminded that the young woman before her today had been molded as a child. She had learned to repress the pain of abuse and pretend she was fine, taught never to show weakness or fear. No wonder Kara was pacing the room like she might combust at any second. She only knew how to fight, or take the blows and internalize the harm. Asking her to let that damage be exposed—and painfully probed—was likely alien to everything she'd ever been taught.

As Laura felt a tear course down her cheek, she was tempted to blame the exhaustion that was a constant part of her life again since leaving New Caprica, but she also knew that the extremity of the forces that tore at this young woman was truly at fault.

"Kara, please come sit down," Laura softly said, her hand waving to the couch beside her. She didn't try to hide the wetness that continued to track down her face. "Please, Kara," she repeated, letting her concern show.

Starbuck stopped her pacing, obviously at a loss how to handle Laura's open appeal. She drifted back over and sat. "What do you want from me?" she asked in bewilderment.

"You know what I want. Just let me help you, Kara."

Kara shut her eyes, then muttered, "How?"

"Just talk. Tell me what happened," Laura gently said, watching the pale face before her fighting to find a way to meet her challenge.

Finally the blonde head bent and Kara spoke, the words coming haltingly at first then building momentum as they tumbled forth. "I lost track of time... They left me alone…for I don't know how many days. Didn't really care any more," she admitted. "Then he came…" Kara stopped, and Laura heard her reluctance to saying the Cylon's name out loud.

"Leoben?" she softly prompted as the silence stretched between them.

Kara jerked a nod. "Said he could make it go away. The pain. All of it…" As Kara met her gaze, Laura saw the bitterness and despair in their depths. "All I had to do was accept him. Tell him I loved him. Do what he asked…whatever he asked... Frakkin' bastard."

"He wanted you to give him control," said Laura, working her way through the twisted demand the Cylon had made. "And did you?" she asked, keeping her voice neutral, striving to avoid anything that might be construed as judgmental.

She needn't have bother trying, Starbuck still flashed defensively forward with a hot, "Frak no!" as she shot to her feet again, glaring at her.

Laura let a sigh escape as she gently shook her head at the reaction. "Kara, please sit down. We're just talking. You and me," she said. "I'm not here to judge you, just to listen."

"Like hell you're not!" Starbuck fiercely shot back. "What do you know of what it's like to hurt so bad you just want to die. But you can't…because they won't allow it," she bit out. "And besides, you're a good little soldierand not a coward. What would the Admiral think?" Kara's lips pursed as she swallowed, then continued, "The Admiral, he'd be disgusted, because he'd finally know what your mom always did…That you're a worthless frak-up." As she finished, Kara slouched back into the chair like maybe she thought it was possible to disappear if she could just make herself small enough.

"That's enough!" Laura admonished, "You can't believe Admiral Adama would think any such thing. That anyone would." As she reached a hand to lay on one of Kara's knees, palm settling on the worn material, the older woman suddenly remembered why that was ill-advised and her eyes darted to meet Kara's. The other's shadowed gaze turned away from her wary one, but that was the only response she made to Laura's physical attempt at comfort.

Leaving her hand where it lay, Laura cleared her throat before speaking again, "You refused. Refused Leoben," she said, letting Kara know that she believed her.

"Like I said," Kara muttered, "told him to frak-off," her eyes still averted.

"How did he take that?"

"Gave me that smug smile of his. Said he'd be back to see if I'd changed my mind." Kara ran her hands up and down her pant legs.

"And he did come back?"

"I was drifting in and out…but yeah," she confirmed in a low voice, "he came back."

Laura nodded, knowing that Leoben had given her a choice. Him and life or refusal and death. Kara had made her choice only to discover she'd never really had one to begin with.

"But Leoben was bluffing, he wouldn't let you die," Laura stated.

Kara rubbed her forehead with her palm, and then said, "I remember someone holding me up, forcing me to swallow. A day or so passed before I was coherent enough to know it was him."

Laura sat back in her seat, digesting what she'd been told. Starbuck had refused to fold to Leoben's demands, deciding to accept death before accepting the Cylon male. There was nothing in her words or manner that suggested she had known that Leoben was bluffing. Perhaps if she'd been in better shape, she would have realized that the Cylon was not about to let her slip out of his grasp, not when he finally had her in his power.

It was clear that she had fully expected to die. Laura shook her head at the tangled cords of guilt and self-loathing that Kara had managed to knot up within herself. Had she really thought that Admiral Adama wouldn't understand her actions?

Taking a breath, she pushed ahead, "What then?"

"When he knew I was awake, he said…said that we were meant to be together. Said, since I couldn't take care of myself, he'd have to do it."

"How did Leoben 'take care of you', Kara?"

[ I I I I I ]

"How did Leoben 'take care of you', Kara?" Laura's question submerged Kara back into the memory.

She was trying to scramble away from Leoben, hampered by the heavy weight anchoring her at the wrist. Her breathing was ragged as he smiled sadly, and then asked her, one more time, if she was ready to accept what he offered. When she replied only over her dead body, he shook his head and said 'sorry, not an option.'

Then he beckoned the two Centurion guards to restrain her. One straddled her hips, grasping her shoulders as it pushed her to the floor while the second latched onto her head, their metal strength locking her firmly in place. She screamed at the Toasters to get the frak-off as Leoben kneeled beside her. Producing a plastic cylinder and length of rubber hose, he wedged the cylinder between her teeth, then shoved the tubing through it and down her throat, careful to check that it had gone into her stomach. 'I'm sorry you've made this necessary, Kara. It's for your own good,' he said as he funneled a thick liquid through the tube, ignoring her panicked gagging.

Within the Admiral's quarters, the color drained from Kara's face as she started coughing and choking. Frantically springing to her feet with a hand over her mouth, she rushed to the Admiral's washroom.

She didn't notice when Laura slipped a supporting arm around her waist, her body and mind were too intent on expelling the feeling of being violated. Lost in the memory of metal hands clamped on her prone body and Leoben thrusting the tube into her mouth, her stomach roiled again, causing another round of vomiting.

Gradually the racking spasms eased and Kara was able to fight free of the flashback. She focused on the rim she clenched with white-knuckled hands, feeling its cold surface beneath her palms. There was someone beside her, a hand gently pulling her hair back from her sweat-beaded face to tuck it behind her ears. Her arms quivered from supporting her weight over the bowl and her legs were threatening to give from beneath her by the time her thoughts cleared enough to place where she was.

Blinking to clear her vision, she twisted and let herself slide down until she was sitting with the rim at her back. She'd felt the supporting arm help ease her down then withdrawal but hardly noticed. Now, movement drew her dazed eyes as she finally recognized the woman rummaging about the small room. Not up to facing Laura, Kara drew in her knees and put her hands over her face, concentrating on breathing slowly in and out like Cottle had taught her.

[ I I I I I ]

After releasing Kara's shuddering form, Laura did a brief search of the Admiral's utilitarian bathroom, finally finding a handcloth. Wetting it with cold water, she wrung it out, and returned to squat in front of the young woman. Gently forcing the trembling hands down, Laura cleaned the spittle from the still quivering chin, then refolded the cloth and began dabbing at the sweat-streaked face. Kara's deeply wounded eyes clung to her as Laura tenderly cleaned her up.

As exhaustion replaced Kara's raw revulsion, Laura's palm warmed the pale cheek with a sympathetic caress. She found the younger woman's lack of resistance to her ministrations disquieting since it was so at odds with her usual behavior. And Laura had little doubt that a severe flashback had triggered the intense reaction.

When Kara let her eyes fall shut and her head droop onto her knees, Laura sat back on her heels and weighed her options. The young woman's fatigue went deeper than her mere physical condition, she was obviously soul-weary. She'd had all she could handle—more than she could handle—judging by her current state. And what she need now was rest. Trouble was, Laura wasn't sure if she could even get Kara on her feet. She briefly debated getting the Marine guard to come help, but brushed the idea aside.

Laura gave the still figure a gauging look, then rose, daring to leave her briefly to hurry back into the main room and to the well stocked bar. She picked up a tumbler, then grabbed a second along with a bottle she recognized being offered on other occasions, and returned to the small washroom.

Kara hadn't moved.

Setting both glasses on the countertop, Laura sloshed a generous portion into each. As she set the decanter to the side, the ex-teacher was rather surprised at how steady her hands were. Through her wide-rimmed glasses, she turned her palms over and stared at them for a moment, unsure how they could be unaffected when she felt ready to rattle apart on the inside. She knew why she was so disturbed; the degree of damage Kara Thrace had suffered would be a challenge for even an experienced trauma psychiatrist. Expecting Laura to find her way through the minefield of Kara's experiences was like asking a field medic to do brain surgery. But what choice did she have. If there was nobody else, and the medic…she…did nothing, then the patient would surely die. Kara's instability was obvious to even one with Laura's inexperience. She knew Bill was right. Left on her own, Kara would self-destruct in a way that there was no coming back from.

Taking a deep breath, Laura closed her eyes then slowly let the air out and opened them again. Securely grasping both tumblers, she gingerly lowered herself onto the cold floor along side the younger woman.

Letting her shoulder lean lightly against Kara's muscled one, Laura dared to give her a slight nudge as she said, "I come bearing gifts." She held out one of the glasses as the blonde head rose and turned her way. At first Laura wasn't sure the other woman was going to take her offering as Kara sat blinking at the outstretched hand and it's burden before reaching forward to take the proffered drink. She took a small sip, perhaps unsure if it would stay down after all the earlier vomiting. After a second, slightly larger swig, Kara rested her cheek against the glass as if needing something to prop her head on to keep it upright.

Laura let her be as she sipped her own drink, feeling the fiery liquid cleanse her mouth and throat. It seemed that they both needed a drink after these sessions. She fervently hoped they'd not go through the Admiral's entire supply before they were finished. Casting a glance at the face just a short span from her own, Laura felt an awe at the younger woman's courage. That Kara had survived what she had as a child, then on New Caprica, and was still fighting to hang on even as the past kept sweeping forward to knock her off her feet was a testament to her strength.

Now if only she could get Kara to see it that way.

Laura understood what it felt like to have something you couldn't fight crush the last of your will to survive. Her cancer might be in remission, but Laura clearly remembered the hopelessness that had had her questioning why she even bothered getting up each morning. A person's mind, body and spirit could only take so much before the effort to continue became too much. It didn't make one a coward, just someone desperately in need of help.

Making a pledge with her drink, Laura vowed that regardless of how bad it got, how unprepared Laura herself felt, she'd not give up on the younger woman. With that promise made, she pushed herself back to her feet. As the blonde head looked up, Laura offered her hand to help her up. Again Kara stared, blinking for an indeterminate time before reaching out to lock wrists and, with help, struggled onto unsteady legs.

She assisted the shaky woman over to the couch. Spotting the pillow and blankets where they were tucked behind the sofa, Laura grabbed one of each.

"Lay down for awhile," she said, placing the pillow near the silent figure. It was a measure of the emotional assault she'd just endured that Kara didn't bother to argue, just lowered onto her side and drew her legs up.

Laura leaned over and loosened the ties on the pilot's military-issued boots, then tugged one off, letting it fall with a dull thump. As she worked to pull off the second, she felt green eyes on her. Glancing over, she gave the pale woman a reassuring smile. It only took another moment to shake open the olive-green blanket and spread it over the still form, but she noted that Kara's eyes had closed and her breathing was already deepening into sleep.

Easing the hatch open as quietly as she could, Laura asked in a low voice for the guard to call Major Adama to report to the Admiral's quarters, and left instructions for the Sergeant to avoid unnecessary noise and disruptions.

As she turned back to her sleeping charge, Laura grimly reflected on the severity of Kara's flashback. And she knew it was a flashback, coming to recognize the signs of one compared to when Kara was just relating an experience. This had been the most severe by far. And it all centered around the Cylon male, Leoben. Had he raped her? Was that what had set Kara off?

Wrapping her arms about herself, Laura sighed, wishing she'd gotten more out of Kara before losing her to the traumatic memory. She didn't dare question her now, not in the shocky stated she was in.

Rubbing at her thighs, she tried to chaff back some of warmth that she'd lost sitting on the cold floor of the washroom. Kara wasn't the only one drained from the experience, Laura's own limbs felt heavy with fatigue. Waiting in the quiet cabin with the only sounds that of the sleeping woman and the faint ship noises that filtered through the metal walls, Laura massaged her temples, trying to ease the rising headache that throbbed in rhythm with her heartbeat.

Hearing the hatch behind her open, she swung around, putting a finger to her lips to shush the Major as he stepped inside. She could see the young officer's confusion as he glanced around the cabin. His eyes narrowed as he spotted Kara's sleeping form. He moved closer so she could hear his restrained whisper.

"What happened? I thought I was taking her to the gym?" he asked with a nod at the sofa's occupant.

"Change of plans, Major," Laura said, keeping her own voice as low as his. "let's just say it was a rough session. She won't be going any place tonight. I need you to stay with her to make sure she's ok. From what I hear, she's subject to nightmares, and…," she paused, casting a worried look towards the alcove, "and I think she's likely to have one tonight," she finished.

"I thought the Doc gave her pills for that," he asked.

"Yes, well…she didn't take them." He raised his eyebrows at her answer. "She can take one later, if she wakes," Laura added, not clarifying why Kara hadn't taken the medication.

"Where are you going?" Lee asked as he realized that Laura was heading for the door.

"I need to confer with your father," then adding in a weary voice, "and I still have several hours worth of paperwork waiting for me on Colonial One."

That apparently made Lee pause, he probably hadn't given much thought to how much time she was carving out of her busy schedule to meet each night with Kara.

She was halted by a light touch on her arm. "What's going on with her? Is she alright?"

Seeing the deep concern in the blue eyes, Laura was reminded how much the Major cared for the woman she was fighting to save. She wished she could tell him that Kara would be fine, but he'd immediately see through that lie.

"Major, she's far from 'alright', but I certainly hope that she'll recover. I can't tell you any more than that."

"Can't or won't," he sharply responded, then cast a guilty look to see if he had disturbed Kara. Since she hadn't stirred, he looked back at Laura, his eyes still demanding an answer.

Laura studied the younger Adama for a moment before answering, "My conversations with Kara are private. I do share what information I deem appropriate with the Admiral." Speaking softly but with steel behind it, she added, "What he chooses to divulge to you is his business. I won't break Kara's trust, so don't expect me to indulge your curiosity, Major."

Lee's head jerked back as if she'd slapped him. As his face reddened, he hissed, "It's not curiosity, Madam President. She my friend…and more. I need to know what happened so I can help her," he said, keeping his voice low.

"None-the-less, ask your father or Kara yourself. It's not my place to share with you," with that, the she left the young man scowling as she departed.

[ I I I I I ]

Lee settled into one of the comfortable chairs, near enough to keep an eye on the sleeping form, but giving her some distance at the same time. Scrubbing at his cheeks, he could feel the afternoon stubble against his palms as he watched over his…friend.

How was he suppose to make the President understand what Kara was to Lee when he couldn't even sort it out himself? The stubborn woman drove him to frustrated fury while at the same time causing his heart to quicken at the possibility of holding her in his arms. Lee knew that he was a problem solver. Listen. Evaluate. Plan, and finally, execute. It's who he is, and to be cut out of being part of the solution to Kara's crisis was almost more than he could bear.

Resolving to speak with his father later, he was determined to pry what he could out of his dad with the demand that he was on a need to know basis since he was the one taking Kara to the gym each night. With that plan decided, he leaned back and settled into safeguarding the sleeping figure.