Chapter 67 Avoidance

Breakfast the next morning was eaten in almost complete silence as the Admiral's attempts at conversation were met with non-committal mumbles by Kara. The fact that she was still refusing to look at him wasn't missed by Adama. He had thought both he and Laura were making progress with her, but he certainly couldn't see it in her responses today. Excusing himself, he left for CIC early, unable to bare being all but ignored by the withdrawn young woman.

As the Admiral fled—and 'fled' was the impression Kara got from his hurried departure—she watched him disappear with conflicted feelings. She knew he had tried to draw her out, get her to share what was going on with her, but she'd pushed him away, like she always did.

And she knew why. If he learned the truth…The way he would look at her then…the disgust and contempt... It was already hard enough enduring the pity and worry that constantly filled his eyes now. Pity was for weak people, and she couldn't afford to be weak. Couldn't let those around her learn what she'd done to survive, the depths she'd sunk to. Had to handle it on her own. Regardless of what they said, she didn't really believe they wouldn't condemn her. And once they realized the truth… Well, what life she had carved out aboard Galactica would be wiped away more thoroughly than any Cylon attack.

All she had to do was get Laura off her back, convince the Admiral and Cottle she was fit for duty…and avoid Lee. Sounded easy.

Right. Might as well try to fly without my Viper.

The knock announcing Cally's arrival pulled her from her dark musings. And if Cally and the Chief noticed how subdued she was throughout her shift and lunch, they kept it to themselves.

That afternoon, again the training manuals weren't enough to distract her as she searched for some way to get out from underneath the smothering help of those around her. If she had been willing to admit such a thing to herself, it was the overwhelming fear of how vulnerable she'd allowed herself to be the night before with Laura that drove her today.

Fear. Vulnerability. Weakness. They all were to be sneered at in others, and despised within herself.

Starbuck had known once how to control her anger, use it to keep everything else at bay, give her the strength to handle whatever she faced. She'd lost that control on New Caprica, now if only she could regain it…things could go back to how they'd been before. Well, maybe not exactly. There was no way to erase the knowledge already learned by the others in her life. But they were familiar with Starbuck, so if she could show them that the Viper Jock was back and in control, they'd leave off demanding to know Kara's secrets. And her shame need never destroy what little she had left.

That evening at dinner, she forced a lightness to her voice and tried to recapture the ease of the previous night. She hadn't resolved all the details, but she knew she had to convince Adama and Laura that she was over the worst, stop them from digging further. And that started by eating her food like a good little pilot and discussing the day's events. And if the Admiral wasn't convinced by her about-face, at least he seemed more relaxed and willing to humor her.

They were just finishing when he wiped his mouth with a napkin and cleared his throat, immediately setting her on alert.

"Laura will be over a little later this evening, she had a dinner meeting," he said, and she shifted uncomfortably as he brought up the President. "Why don't we look over your preliminary ideas on the update to the nuggets' training," he suggested. Then added, "If you don't mind a Old Man's viewpoint, that is."

"Sure…I didn't get much done this afternoon. I can show you a couple of areas that need some pretty drastic revisions though," she answered, eager to shift the topic from her upcoming session. She rose and moved to the workbench with the Admiral right behind her.

The next couple of hours passed harmoniously enough, Starbuck getting into her subject as she laid out an idea she'd been toying with. The Admiral listened carefully as she pointed out several ways to simulate the all-out chaos that was combat, then they swapped ideas and suggestions, brainstorming together over different options. Sometime later, both looked up with startled glances when the guard announced the President's arrival.

"Well, that's my cue," he said, giving her a smile as he stepped away to welcome Laura with his usual greeting before excusing himself.

[ I I I I I ]

"Kara," said Laura as she inspected the younger woman. Something was different… And it stirred an uneasy premonition on the ex-school teacher part. There was a determined and yet elusiveness to Kara's expression as she returned Laura's greeting and took her seat. Laura had hoped that after last night, she had finally broken through Starbuck's reserve. It certainly had felt like they'd made a breakthrough of sorts. That Kara had willingly accepted the comfort and help Laura offered.

Now though…

Taking a breath, she decided to dive right in, figuring she'd learn what Starbuck was up to soon enough.

"Last night, you were telling me that Leoben was going to take care of you," she started, then, "What did he mean by that?"

"Simple enough. He switched from withholding food to force-feeding," the answer was flatly said and Laura narrowed her eyes.

"Force-fed you? Is that all?" Laura probed, perplexed at the disparity between Kara's reaction last night and today.

"Well, it wasn't exactly pleasant. He laced it with something to prevent me from vomiting afterwards," explained Kara in a voice still leached of all emotion. "Guess that's why I was sick. I couldn't vomit before. This time I could…and-and did," she added lamely.

Now Laura really knew something was off. There was no way Kara should be this calm. Trying again, "So he force-fed you. How?"

"Had a couple of Centurions hold me while he used a tube," said Kara, maintaining a steady gaze with Laura's skeptically eyes.

"Ok, Kara," Laura said, letting it go for now. She decided to move ahead. "How long did Leoben force-feed you?"

"Twice a day, for four days, I think," came the brief answer.

"And after that?"

"He moved me back to the apartment. And then you were there." The look Starbuck gave her made it apparent that she still hadn't fully forgiven Laura for her perceived 'betrayal' that day.

Laura sat back, contemplating what she'd been told now and before. There seemed to be quite a number of days—closer to two weeks—missing from the timeline, and she didn't see how the force-feeding could have triggered the catatonic state Laura had found Kara in when they'd been together in the apartment. Kara had already admitted to losing time. Was this another instance of exactly that? Everything in Laura told her that Kara was purposely withholding something. It was there in the way her eyes shifted to her left wrist when she didn't think Laura was watching, and in the uncharacteristic lack of emotion in her retelling. Question was, did Kara even know what it was? Was she hiding what had happened or the fact that she didn't remember what had occurred in that missing block of time?

She would have accepted anger or defiance from Starbuck, fear or…something else from Kara. But this attempt to relate the events without a hint of either? No. There was more here, and Laura wasn't going to let it go.

"Kara, did Leoben rape you?" she asked bluntly, hoping to shock the truth from the younger woman. She saw the green eyes widen in surprise, then narrow with the first hint of anger she'd seen in them today.

"Frakkin' no!" was startled out of Starbuck and she was on the edge of her seat now, looking ready to bolt…or attack.

Cautiously studying her, Laura was troubled. Her surprised answer seemed genuine, but there was something in the way Kara replied that struck her as odd. Despite Laura's assumption that Leoben had raped her while having her in his control, Kara's straight forward denial had the ring of truth to it. The younger woman meant what she said. And yet… Laura had been convinced she knew what secret had been hiding behind Starbuck's bluster and Kara's panic attacks. Now she just didn't know what to think.

"If we're done, Madam President, I owe Major Adama a session in the gym," Starbuck said, interrupting Laura's thoughts. "I've got to do the rehab exercises Cottle gave me so I can get back in the air," she added, rising to her feet and moving towards the hatch in an obvious attempt to end the session.

Laura decided she needed time to think before confronting Kara any further, so she left without any comment on Starbuck's avoidance tactics.