Chapter 17: A step into the past

"Harry, I know why you asked me to spend the night." Remus's voice was soft in the dark as he lay on a cot on Harry's floor.

"Well, I just thought that since you were such good friends with my father..." Harry trailed off not knowing quite how to finish his sentence. For one thing, he didn't want to insult the older man, and for another, he had so many questions rattling around in his brain that he didn't have half a clue where to start.

"That I should have taken you when your parents died," Remus finished Harry's sentence for him as he watched the boy looking up at the ceiling.

Harry couldn't deny that he was shocked by Remus's bluntness of the subject. "Well, yeah; to start with anyway."

"Harry, I want you to know that I would have taken you if I could." Remus heaved a deep sigh as he tried to think of the best way to phrase this. He wasn't entirely sure he wanted to tell Harry he was a werewolf but couldn't think of any other way to explain his apparent abandonment of the boy.

"Why couldn't you?" Harry pressed when Remus didn't continue after a moment. He wanted more than anything to trust this man, but he had to know everything first.

"Well, for starters, the ministry would never allow it," Remus explained quietly as he stared at the dark ceiling above him. Why was this so hard? This was James's son, and it wasn't like he was in school where life could be made hell for him if people found out.

"Why?" It was a simple question that made Remus start thinking of the game little kids play where they ask you "why" to every answer you give them.

"Well," Remus paused again as he tried to think of the best way to tell the boy. It wasn't only that he was an outcast to most of the rest of the world, but it just wasn't something you could really spring on an eleven-year-old, especially one that didn't grow up in this world. Remus realized that that was why he was so scared; he wasn't sure he could face rejection from James's son.

"If you don't want to tell me, Remus, you don't have to." The hurt was evident in Harry's voice. Why hadn't this man taken him as a child instead of letting him be sent off with his magic-hating relatives? That in and of itself was painful enough, but to make it worse, the man wasn't even giving him a reason. Even a flimsy excuse about not being mature enough to raise a child would have been better than no excuse at all.

Remus sighed. He could tell he was crushing this child, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. Slowly, he stood up in the dark and walked over to the dark-haired boy's bed. "Sit up and scoot over Harry. If I'm going to do this, I want to tell you everything, and I'm going to need to be able to see you."

"Okay." Harry wasn't quite sure what to make of all of this, but he did as instructed and sat up before making room for the older man.

"First of all, I want to know what you think about me," Remus stated simply as he watched the boy beside him.

"Um," Harry stated as he thought about it. This was definitely not what he had been expecting. "What do you mean?"

"Well, what I'm really asking Harry, is what you think of me as a person," Remus explained carefully. "Do you think I'm a monster?"

This completely shocked Harry and he shook his head. "You're not a monster Remus. Even if you didn't take me, it doesn't mean I think of you as a monster. If that were true, I'd think of everyone as monsters."

"That's good," Remus couldn't help but smile at this. Harry was already eleven, but he still had the faith and trust of a child. Thank heavens the Dursleys hadn't completely ruined him of that.

"Why would you ask if I thought you were a monster?" There it was again. They really were playing 20 questions, except these ones didn't have a simple yes or no answer.

"I wanted so badly to take you in, Harry," Remus started patiently. "I would have given anything to take you in myself and make sure you were well cared for. As I said before, however, the Ministry would never allow it because you are the boy who lived, and I am legally seen as a monster."

"What? Why?" Harry could barely splutter the words as he stared at Remus in shock.

"What do you know about werewolves?" Remus decided to skate around Harry's question a moment to see if he could help the boy see more clearly without—hopefully—alarming him.

"Werewolves?" Harry repeated the question in wonderment. Why did Remus want to know what he knew about werewolves? Weren't they just mythical creatures told about in scary stories around the campfire? As he thought about it, however, Harry remembered seeing a chapter on werewolves near the end of his Defense book. Somehow, he didn't think they would get that far this year. "Well," Harry began hesitantly, not wanting to look stupid about not knowing about a magical creature. "We haven't learned about them in Defense Against the Dark Arts yet, but the muggle stories say they are humans that turn into vicious wolf-type creatures during the full moon. When they are in wolf form, they kill anyone that's near them."

"The muggles aren't too far off in that particular legend Harry," Remus looked suddenly very tired and much older than he had been before. "A werewolf is also known as a lycanthrope, and its literal translation means 'wolf man.' The transformation you mentioned is called lycanthropy, and that makes the werewolf very dangerous. His wolf brain completely takes over, and he'll attack anything that gets in his way. He would even kill his best friend and not know it until the transformation ended come daylight."

"That's terrible," Harry was wide-eyed as he looked at Remus. Now he seriously doubted that Professor Quirrell would ever teach them about werewolves; he didn't think the man could talk about them without completely dying of fright.

"It really is Harry," Remus agreed. "That's why the ministry—and everyone else—has deemed them as monsters." As Remus spoke, Harry remained silent as he thought about what Remus was telling him. There had to be a reason behind it all. He'd only known Remus about 30 hours, and the man seemed fairly straightforward and to the point, but this seemed to have nothing to do with their previous conversation. Unless...

"You're a werewolf?" Harry asked in astonishment.

"Yes," Remus stated simply. He found that he was holding his breath as he stared at the green-eyed child for his reaction. He couldn't say he was surprised Harry had caught on so quickly; it had only taken James a year to work out the truth, and that had been with Remus trying his very best to keep it a secret. Harry had two very bright parents and could therefore be expected to pick up the pieces and put things together.

Harry sat in silence for a moment completely shocked. Remus being a werewolf was the last thing he had expected as an excuse for not being able to take him in when his parents were killed. In fact, it was so out there that Harry had to remind himself that in this magical world he now lived in, almost anything was possible. He already dealt with witches, wizards, and ghosts in everyday life; what was keeping the werewolves from making an appearance? Harry looked back up at the man he understood to be his father's best friend and sighed. Here was a man that had to be in his thirties who had just told an eleven-year-old his deepest secret, and he now looked torn between terrified and hopeful.

"Well that's gotta suck," Harry stated with a small smile, not at all sure how to lighten the tension that now seemed to flood his small room. It was enough, though, as Remus released a deep breath and gave a very small smile.

"It does," Remus assured the boy with a sigh. "It's something beyond my control, and it's something that means I can attack and kill anyone without even realizing it. The penalty for my biting or killing someone is death. Because of that, I would not have been able to have you around me at all times and therefore could not become your guardian." Remus looked absolutely heartbroken by this point, and Harry put his small hand on the man's shoulder comfortingly.

"It's not your fault, Remus," Harry stated simply.

Remus was slightly encouraged by the fact that Harry wasn't running away from him. In fact, the boy was doing the very opposite and actually getting closer and touching him. Remus gave a soft smile before speaking once more. "I understand if you never want to see me again, Harry."

Harry was completely thrown back by this comment. "Why wouldn't I want to see you again

Remus blinked slightly at the question. It was stated so simply and with such innocence that it warmed him. He was always so terrified of rejection that Remus had hidden his lycanthropy from everyone that he could. All of his Hogwarts teachers knew so that they could help keep the other students safe. Besides them and his parents, he had only ever confided in his friends, and that had been after they had worked it out for themselves. The day Severus found out had been a nightmare come true for Remus. Severus had never liked him or his friends, and Remus had been sure that everyone would find out and he'd be forced to drop out of school. He had felt bad when Dumbledore had punished Sirius harshly for leading Severus through the secret passage, but Sirius had seriously deserved a severe caning. Not only could Severus have been bitten or killed, but Remus would have received the death penalty.

Harry sighed when Remus didn't answer the question right away. "Remus, I don't care if you're a werewolf. You were my father's best friend all through school, and Albus still trusts and respects you. After that, you would have to offend me personally for me to not want to be around you anymore. I know that you would never hurt me in your werewolf form, if only for the reason that I would never be allowed around you anywhere near the time of a full moon or Albus and Minerva would probably have heart attacks."

Remus couldn't help a small smile at this and didn't bother to correct the boy that wizards and witches couldn't truly have heart failures. If they could, Albus would have probably died many years ago because of his sugar-induced diet.

"Thank you, Harry. Being able to hear you say that means a lot to me," Remus stated giving the dark-haired child a sideways hug.

"Remus, could I ask you something?" The question came through hesitantly, and Remus knew immediately what was coming. It had been James's second question after he had found out; right behind "why didn't you tell us, you idiot?"

"I believe you just did, Harry." Remus forced a smile but kept a kind face.

Harry gave a small laugh and shook his head. "I mean a real question," he stated before lightly hitting Remus in the arm with a pillow.

"I didn't know there was such a thing as fake questions, but do enlighten me as to what real question you have for me." Remus's smile was less forced now. He had a feeling what the boy was going to ask him, and it wasn't as if the answer would reveal anything shocking.

"Well," Harry started feeling kind of shy now that he had Remus's attention. "How and when did you become a werewolf?"

"Using two-question words in one sentence doesn't make it one question little scamp," Remus stated with a grin as he ruffled the boy's hair, making it even more messy. "I guess they really do go together, though. Well, depending on how you ask them." Now Remus was just stalling for time as he tried to think of how best to explain this; he still wasn't used to explaining his lycanthropy, and he doubted he ever would.

"When I was a young child, my father insulted a werewolf by the name of Fenrir Greyback. Greyback is not a man that takes kindly to insults and will strike in vengeance. In fact, Greyback actually embraces the fact that he is a werewolf and uses it to carry out his 'punishments.' That 'was proven true in my father's case when the two of us went camping.

"My father was a muggle. My mother had revealed her identity as a witch before she had agreed to marry him, so he knew about magic and that I too would possess her gifts. On the other hand, my father hadn't given much, if any, thought to any of the other mythical creatures such as trolls, vampires, and of course, werewolves. I was only six years old and therefore didn't know much about them myself. As such, neither of us took any thought about camping in muggle tents on a night of the full moon. I also had no fear of monsters or the dark so took it upon myself to not bother my father when I had to use the toilet in the middle of the night. I made it there safely, but on the way back, I was attacked from behind and knew nothing more until I woke up in St. Mungo's 3 days later."

"That's terrible, Remus!" Harry couldn't help but think about werewolves biting muggles that had absolutely no idea what was going on. At least Remus's mum was a witch, so magic wasn't completely foreign to them. What would happen if a family of complete muggles had a child bitten, though? There would be no explanation, and it would be a life-long curse with the child changing into a killing monster every month. How exactly would the ministry cover that up? According to Lupin, everyone seemed to blame him for his lycanthropy; however, a muggle r would have no knowledge beforehand so couldn't be blamed at all. Right?

"It really is," Remus conceded sullenly. "I'm sorry I couldn't take you after your parents were killed, but the ministry would never have allowed it."

"That's alright," Harry stated simply as he leaned against his wall. "I actually understand your excuse. At least you're not like the rest of the world that idolizes me as the wizarding savior but couldn't care less about my actual life." This was stated bitterly as Harry aimed a kick at his blankets.

Remus couldn't help but smile slightly and wrap one arm around the boy's shoulder. "People really are quite shallow, Harry. That doesn't change for the muggle or wizarding worlds, and I'm sorry you have to get dragged into it so deeply."

"Hey Remus?" Harry asked quietly. "Would you tell me another story about my father?"

Remus couldn't help but smile at that. "Of course, Harry. There is nothing I enjoy more than remembering my time with your father."

Author's note: Sorry it took so long to get this chapter up. My editor went through a month of organic chemistry and since I couldn't do basic chemistry I really had NO plans to rush her. Hopefully you don't hate me too much, and I'll try to get the next chapter up soon. Review and let me know what you think.

~Lily