Chapter 67 Shackled Mind
That evening at dinner, the Admiral told Kara that she was to be escorted to the gym since she'd missed the previous night's workout. Since he didn't mention the President, she decided not to ask, figuring that maybe Laura had believed that there wasn't any more need for her.
She certainly hoped so.
As Sergeant Paulson shut the gym hatch behind her, choosing to wait outside, Kara realized that the room already had an occupant working out off in the corner where, on entering, she hadn't seem him. She moved around the bag, expecting Lee. When she recognized Helo's tall form, she literally stopped in mid-step, then put the foot down behind her, hoping to quietly leave before he noticed her.
"Hey there, Starbuck," Helo called out, stopping her backwards retreat. She watched him through narrowed eyes as he wiped his face with a workout towel then made his way over, flashing her one of his goofy grins as he did.
"What are you doing here, Helo?" she coldly asked.
"Glad to see you, too," he said, his tone light despite her chilly greeting. He noted the anger simmering in her eyes, and knew that getting her responding to him obviously wasn't going to be an issue. Now, controlling that response was another matter and he reminded himself that it was his job to direct Kara in the way they had planned.
So, he'd better get started.
"Lee couldn't make it tonight and the Doc gave orders for you to get a light workout in," he smoothly lied.
"No thanks. I'll come back later," she said, turning to leave.
"Ah, come on Kara. Just some bag work." Seeing her hesitate, he went on, "Hey, you can pretend it's me, ok? Less painful for both of us. Come on. Unless you're afraid," he added, hoping to goad her with the one taunt he'd seen her unable to resist in so many past bar fights. As she reversed her direction, he knew he had her. Well, at least so far.
He waved her over to where he was grabbing a pair of heavier bag gloves in her size. She seemed to debate a moment before silently holding out her hands for him to slip a glove onto each, and just as silently, he laced them up. He'd chosen a pair of the type that had laces and paid more care than usual to making sure that both were tightly and securely tied before giving them a bop on top signaling that she was ready to go.
Throughout the few minutes it took to don the mitts, Kara had kept her gaze firmly on her hands, yet she'd been intensely aware of the man before her. She was studying her own emotions in regards to Helo, and they perplexed her. Their friendship pre-dated even hers with Lee. They had completed Basic Flight together, and had even managed to keep in touch afterwards despite being assign on distance duty stations. Then, she remembered how happy she'd been on discovering that Helo had been transferred to Galactica shortly after she had joined the crew herself.
All those good memories vied with the more recent ones; his using Kacey against her; his protecting the mother of his child on Caprica when they'd met up at the museum in her search for the Arrow of Apollo; his defending Sharon after Kara's rescue from the 'Farm'; and his continuing defense of his Cylon wife after the fleet's exodus from New Caprica. So many of her reasons for anger at her long time pal traced back to his frakkin' Toaster wife.
His frakking his Toaster wife.
Not liking where that thought was taking her, she moved to the bag and started with some light combinations, determined not to give the watching Helo any reason to report to the Admiral. After a few minutes she was beginning to loosen up, break a sweat, and it felt good. So, as the hatch opened again, she looked up unsuspectingly.
The red-haired President paused at the entrance, obviously having words with the guard outside before he shut the hatch behind her. Turning to the two people watching, she gave them a quick smile of greeting before moving to one side of the gym. That had been something both Captain Agathon and Admiral Adama had been adamant about. Laura was not to get between Starbuck and the hatch. It would be up to Helo, and the guard if necessary, to prevent her exit. The men had stressed that the last thing they needed was for Kara to actually assault the President, and if she tried to stand in the younger woman's way, a cornered Starbuck would likely plow right over the top of Laura to get out.
That hadn't been the only condition, either. The Admiral had insisted that she get a tranquiller injection from Dr. Cottle, just in case things got out of control. In fact, she had two in her pocket. And lastly, Helo had insisted that the guard only be called in as a last resort. They had all fallen silent at that point, each knowing that if the guard was needed, they'd failed and Kara's future was…bleak.
These thoughts ran briefly through Laura's mind as she noted with satisfaction that Helo had managed to get the boxing gloves on Kara and actually had her working on the bag. It had been the younger man's suggestion. He'd proposed that a gloved Starbuck would be safer. Not only do gloved fists cause less damage, but they also acted as their own type of restraint he'd explained.
Kara looked between Laura and Helo and suddenly knew she'd been setup. Her cheeks flamed as the new betrayal by her 'friend' fanned her anger.
Pointing a gloved hand back and forth between the pair, "No frakkin' way. I'm outta here," she said and added actions to words, striding towards the hatch while taking her teeth to the knots on the right glove.
Helo rushed to block her path. Raising both hands before him, he confronted her. "You're not running away. Not this time, Kara," he firmly stated, preparing himself for the likely explosion.
Unable to get the tight laces free with her teeth and speak at the same time, she ignored him, trying to step around to the door. He was having none of it though, just moved into her path again. Leaving off the ties, Starbuck tried to shove the large man out of the way. Braced, he hardly moved but kept his hands up to avoid touching her.
Her breathing was quickening as she tried to dodge by him several more times before she took a step back, glaring at the obstinate man barring her exit. She looked over as the other person in the room spoke up for the first time.
"Kara, we are going to stay here, the three of us," said Laura with a slight wave about the gym. "We've more to discuss and I thought a change of scenery would be a good idea."
"Well, it's not," she said, rejecting the implied order, "And there's nothing more to talk about, certainly not with him," she said with a jerk of her head in Helo's direction.
"I believe that we still have quite a bit to cover," contradicted Laura. "And I'd appreciate it if you would use the punching bag we've thoughtfully provided for you instead of Captain Agathon."
Starbuck stared at the older woman, a contest of wills in their locked eyes. She was the first to look away. Retreating from Helo, Kara put the heavy workout bag between them.
"Frak-it," she loudly said to the room in general as she began pounding the bag in earnest.
Helo and Laura exchanged looks and moved closer to the figure hammering away. Again, Laura kept to the side but positioned herself in Kara's line of sight as Helo took up a poised stance between Starbuck and the door.
Moving a little closer to the sweating woman, Laura braced herself and began, "Kara, what happened after the force-feedings?" she asked. When no answer came, she tried again, "What did Leoben do?" That definitely provoked a response as Starbuck left off her pummeling of the bag and quickly moved to within inches of Laura. She didn't notice Helo slide forward, prepared to intervene.
"Nothing," Kara defiantly breathed at Laura, then stepping back a pace, "How many times do I have to say it. Not… A…Thing," spacing each word to make sure Laura had gotten her point. She swung back to the bag and gave it a particularly vicious punch, putting distance between them again.
Helo looked to Laura for permission. At her nod, he advanced into Starbuck's sight-line before saying, "Guess you could've used one of these back on New Caprica, huh?" Kara just gave the bag a hooking combination.
"Knowing you, I bet you were doing push-ups and sit-ups the entire time, right?" he lightly prodded.
"No," was her grunted reply between swings.
"What? You must have been going stir-crazy in there," he pressed, even though he knew how badly Starbuck had been physically hurt, he still found it impossible to picture her not doing something during those weeks, if for no other reason than to show defiance of her captors' physical abuse.
"Couldn't," her reply breathed between combinations thumped against the slightly swinging bag.
"Why not?" he prompted, instinctively pursuing the line of questioning.
Starbuck dropped her hands and faced the man, "Look, I was tired and-and banged up, so forgive me if I didn't feel like frakkin' exercising, ok!" she yelled at him, then wiped a gloved hand across her brow before turning back to the bag.
As Karl and Laura exchanged a look, she gave him a nod to continue pushing, they didn't seem to be getting anywhere, but the older woman hadn't missed the signs of Kara's increasing agitation as Helo kept at his questions.
"Come on, Starbuck. I know you. No way you just laid there and took it," he said. Despite his being prepared for it, he took an involuntary step backwards when Starbuck whirled on him, her face an enraged mask.
"Like you 'take it' from your Cylon bitch, Helo?" she yelled at him, advancing with her gloved fists clenched in front of her.
With hands raised defensively, he verbally jabbed back at her, "Is that what this is about, Kara. Did Leoben make you 'take it', too?" he goaded.
"Son of bitch!" she erupted, flying at him with a flurry of strikes. Helo kept his hands and arms in front, protecting his face and body from the wave of blows. When he felt them slow slightly, he grabbed both of her wrists, clasping them together between their two bodies, and held on for all he was worth.
"Let go! Damnit, let go!" she yelled, yanking against his grip.
Laura, observing it all, saw when Kara abruptly lost contact with reality and the flashback hit her. The older woman moved forward, trying to warn Helo, but her voice was drowned out by the rising cries.
"Get em off! Get em off! Get em off!" Kara was screaming now, her frantic jerks pulling Helo forward as she tried to pull away. Grimly hanging on, Karl tried calling her name. As the panic and fear in Kara's face became too much for him, he released his hold.
Stumbling back, Kara immediately began swatting at her right arm and torso, continuing to shriek, "Get em off! " over and over. Then she started stomping at something only she saw.
Kara's gasped screams turned pleading, "Get it off! Get it off," as she jerked at the glove on her left hand, padded fingers scraping at the laces, and her own flesh, in her frenzied efforts to remove the boxing mitt.
This was frakkin' wrong, Helo silently cursed, helplessly watching Kara backing way, still tearing at her gloved hand as wild sobs choked her now. Falling over a bench, she landed hard on her back. She kicked out at the object, propelling it away as she continued to scramble back.
The extremity of Kara's horror hit Laura like she'd been slapped. They'd done this to her…on purpose. And now she feared for the young woman's sanity as she watched Kara beat at herself like she was being bitten all over. Then, as some terror drove Kara to tear at her gloved hand with her teeth, Laura moved to Helo's side.
"Get the gloves off," she ordered. "Take them off. Hurry! Before she hurts herself," Laura urgently said, giving the man a shove towards where Kara had backed herself against the wall.
Karl moved swiftly forward, kneeling beside Kara's frantic figure. He grabbed her wrist and struggled to undo the tight knots, cursing below his breath as they defied his shaking fingers. Glancing up at the white face and glazed eyes, he reached for the knife he kept in a ankle strap. Flicking it open, he sliced through the laces on both gloves, and slipped the blade safely back into his boot. Finally, he managed to pull the glove free of Kara's hand, and he could feel her body convulse as a shudder shook her. He made short work of the other and threw both way from them.
Pulling Kara into his arms, Karl murmured into her ear as he rocked her. She buried her face against him, practically burrowing into his chest as her sobs continued. He didn't understand what she said at first, but as he cocked his head closer, he could make out what she was pleading.
"Please don't…please don't…please don't…" he could hear her begging with each gasp.
"Don't what, Kara?" Karl softly demanded. Knowing that it was now or never for them to get out of her what had happened, he steeled himself against the pain at her broken whimpers.
"Don't-put it-it-back-on. Please! No, d-d-don't…" she cried against his chest, her hands wrapped in the front of his tank top.
Helo looked sideways at Laura as she knelt beside him. His own anguish reflected in the tears that tracked down the older woman's face and haunted eyes.
"We have to know," Laura prompted, her voice quivering.
"What don't you want me to put back on?" Karl forced himself to ask of the quaking form he held.
"Can't… Can't-look-at-him… Don't… P-p-please…" Kara pleaded, her voice broken and lost.
"Kara, who can't you look at?" he prodded.
"Sam…just…I-I can't," came the muffled reply. He raised confused eyes to Laura's as the older woman blinked twice then went white and whirled away to be sick off to the side of the mat. It took Karl a moment longer to grasp what Kara meant, when he did, he felt his own stomach try to follow the President's example.
Swallowing the rising bile, he bent his head and let his own horror loose. No. No. No… Those bastards! Those frakking sons-of-bitches, he mentally spat the curses, trying to deny what they'd done. Deny that they couldn't have—wouldn't have—cuffed Kara to Anders' corpse, leaving her attached to her husband's rotting body. Overwhelmed, Karl continued to rock his friend, offering what comfort he could with his murmured words and presence.
Feeling a hand touch his shoulder, Karl looked up with heartsick eyes at Laura's equally reddened ones.
"There's more," Laura whispered, aching to end it now, but knowing it was better to do this all at once—and pray that they could bring Kara back from it afterward.
The young officer shut his eyes. Here he'd always thought he was strong. Now, faced with causing Kara more pain, Karl just didn't know how to do it. He shook his head, unable to ask—demand—what Laura thought was necessary.
She seemed to realize this. Kneeling again at his side, Laura reached out a gentle hand, she began stoking the blonde hair as she asked, "Kara, what happened? What happened next?"
Kara seemed to calm slightly beneath her hand, and they heard the mumbled reply, "Lee…took it off."
"Leoben took off the cuffs," she prompted, "Kara, the ones that held you to Sam's corpse?" Laura's voice requiring an answer.
Karl felt the negative headshake against him as the muffled "No," came from the hunched form.
"No?"
"Lee…he took it off. He…"
Laura and Karl shared a perplexed look then Laura's brows lifted, and she spoke again, "Then what did Leob—what did Lee do, Kara? What did he do after he released you."
"Took me…took me away," Kara's reply quivered as she gasped for breaths. "He took me…"
Laura pushed the next question out, "Who? Who took you?"
"Lee… Lee—no, Le-Leoben. I—" the words broke off in confusion.
Driving through to the bitter end, "Did Leoben touch you…Did he…did he rape you, Kara?"
"No, Lee... I… I don'… Leoben? Where'd the…? No. No! Frakker—" Kara started to struggle within Karl's arms.
"Hey! Kara. It's me. It's Karl," he desperately said, torn whether to hold on or release her. The quick headshake from Laura firmed his grip and he continued, "It's Helo. I've got you Kara. You're safe. It's Helo."
His words must have penetrated, because she stopped pushing against his chest. The anguished sound she made twisted his heart. Then her words came again. "I-I-I let him. I…" she gasped into the rough material of his tanktop, "I didn't… I don't…" she broke off again into choked sobs.
Laura let her own head bow, finding herself praying to the gods for their guidance, for them to somehow ease the weight crushing the devastated young woman. And, a deep anger flaring in her, Laura prayed that their vengeance be visited on the ones that had caused such damage.
Lifting her head again, Laura heard Helo trying to calm his hysterical friend. Kara didn't seem to hear him and the severity of her distress wasn't lessening. Laura rose and pulled the two syringes from her pocket. Choosing the smaller dosage, she removed the cap and, on receiving Helo's grim agreement, swiftly injected it into Kara's arm.
They watched as the drug loosened the clenched form, the gasps easing as it took effect. Karl could still feel the shudders vibrating into him, but was relieved as even they eased slightly. He watched as Laura searched the gym, returning with Helo's jacket and several towels. She awkwardly draped the towels and jacket around the shivering shoulders, leaning back as Helo tucked them more securely about the huddled form against his chest without releasing his hold.
"Maybe…" worry lacing Laura's voice, "maybe we should get Dr. Cottle," she hesitantly suggested.
"We need to clean and warm her up," Helo said, and Laura realized for the first time that Kara had vomited over herself and the young man sometime in the last few minutes. He added, "I…I think she'd prefer not to go back to sickbay. And…I know someone that can help us with her," he paused, debating whether it was really a good idea or not, then went ahead and suggested it, "I can get Sharon here without anyone questioning why," he flatly stated.
Laura's eyebrows rose in surprise and a denial was poised on her lips, but she forced herself to consider his suggestion. They needed to get Kara into the showers. Admitting that she wasn't strong enough to handle the well-muscled woman if she struggled, Laura also realized that it was going to take at least two people just to keep Kara on her feet long enough to get her cleaned up. And after her revelations, having any male assistance was ill-advised. And just maybe, having the Cylon help care for her, might go a long ways to healing the breach between the two women.
"Yes," she said, nearly as surprised as Helo appeared. Putting actions to words, she stepped out to the guard and had him page Lieutenant Agathon to immediately report to the gym.
[ I I I I I ]
When Sharon was shown in, she hesitantly crossed to the grouped forms. Knowing that Karl was meeting with Kara in the gym, the urgent summons had sent her heart and feet racing to get here, concerned that her husband had been injured—or worse—for them to page her as they had. So she felt relief flood her as she approached and saw that Karl appeared intact and, at seeing her, gave her a smile, even if it was a grim one.
Sharon's quick eyes took in the blonde figure he firmly held, noting how he gently rocked Kara as one would a child. She also noted the President's bedraggled appearance and drawn features. Obviously, whatever had happened had been an ordeal for all three.
Laura rose and managed a fleeting smile for the dark-haired Cyl—woman—before clearing her throat, "Thank you for coming Lieutenant. Helo thought you might be willing to assist us with Captain Thrace?" Laura's weary voice rose with the question, wondering if they were asking too much of the young woman, maybe of both women.
"Madam President," Sharon said as she looked questioningly between her spouse and the President, wondering what type of help they could possibly think she could provide when Starbuck had so 'adamantly' shown her hate for anything Cylon, including her.
Helo spoke for the first time, "We need to get Kara into the showers. I can't do it and Laura needs help," he explained, his eyes appealing to Sharon to help their friend. Her brown eyes widened as she understood what they were asking.
Eyebrows lifting, "You want the President and me to take a shower with Starbuck?" she asked incredulously.
Laura put her hand to her mouth to cover the inappropriate grin the woman's words invoked. Put that way…it did sound dubious.
"Lieutenant—Sharon—I was led to believe that you and Kara were friends once, before…" she trailed off, not fully comfortable herself with the woman's Cylon nature.
"Before I 'became' a Cylon, you mean," Sharon filled in, a touch of bitterness flavoring her tone for the past treatment she'd received from both the President and Starbuck.
"Yes. And I believe you and Captain Thrace had even managed to set that aside prior to New Caprica?" prompted Laura.
"I thought so," Sharon agreed, then added, "well, to some extent, at least. But since her return…" The woman shook her head in doubt. "Will she even let me," she asked, "help her, that is?" trying to see how Kara was responding to their conversation; as far as Sharon could tell, she even didn't seem aware of anything going on around her. She knew the figure Helo held was awake by the raggedness to her breathing, but Kara wasn't giving any indications that she was even aware of their conversation.
Laura knew the Raptor pilot had questions about what had happened, but now was not the time or place to try to answer them. Realizing that Sharon might need to know at least a little to convince her of the necessity of her help, Laura said, "During her captivity, Kara was subjected to torture and abuse…including rape." She saw the darker woman swallow, but showed no surprise at the revelation. The older woman gave Helo a brief glare when she realized that he had obviously shared at least some details about Kara's condition with his wife. "We confronted her on her…experiences. Kara's in a state of shock," Laura added, about to continue when Sharon interrupted.
"Surely we should take her to Doc Cottle?" Sharon protested, not getting why they hadn't already done so.
"No, Sharon," Helo said with a quick head shake. "Kara's letting me hold her now, but… Well, I don't think that anyone male should handle her for awhile. That includes Cottle," he added.
"He'd have to keep her sedated," Laura stated. Then, "We just made this breakthrough, and she needs to be in familiar hands and not isolated in sickbay," she explained. "Besides, I'd like to limit those that know about this. While the doctor's discrete, too many people pass through sickbay."
"Well, if we're going to do this," Sharon stated, moving closer to the three, "we should get at it, she's not looking too good," she added, knowing it for the understatement it was.
Watching Helo struggle to his feet with his burden, Sharon realized that he was going to have to carry her to the back where the showers were. Kara had responded to his motion by burrowing closer. Sharon lost any lingering resentment as she took in her friend's debilitated state. Never having expected to see Starbuck so…so…reduced, she vehemently decided she preferred an enraged Kara over this shell-shocked shadow.
She and the President followed the pair to the alcove. Helo set her on a corner seat, trying to straighten but unable as Kara refused to release her clenched hands from the front of his tank. Seeing his predicament, Sharon squatted in front of them and eased Kara's fingers loose, constantly murmuring reassuring words as she did.
Getting her first good look at the her, Sharon's dismay at Kara's condition deepened. Sunken glazed eyes stared as if fixed on images beyond the small room. Sweat, tears and vomit were smeared across the gray face and blood trailed down Kara's chin from the swollen lip she'd bitten through.
Sharon stood and turned, tears springing to her eyes. She dashed them away as the President put a steadying hand on her arm.
"I'm fine. I just didn't know…" she trailed off.
"None of knew how bad it really was. She hid it well…at least at first," Laura softly said. Then turned to the young man who looked like he wanted to pull his wife into his arms to share their grief. They'd have to do that later. "Helo, we'll need a change of clothes for Kara and…I think it best that you leave now," she said, giving the man both a job and dismissal in one.
As he gave a jerky nod and took a step, Laura reached out to pause him. "You did good, Captain."
With a glance back at the slumped figure, "Take care of her," he fiercely said, then spun around and moved away with stiff strides.
Pulling closed the curtain that separated the showers from the gym, both women began to undress. Being in the military, Sharon wasn't usually body conscious but this was the President stripping beside her, and she couldn't help feeling uncomfortable.
The older woman must have had some of the same thoughts because she flashed a brief smile and said into the awkward silence, "I'd like you to call me Laura," then at the petite woman's raised brows, added, "In private, at least. I think that's more appropriate now than Madam President and Lieutenant Agathon, don't you think?"
"Ok…Laura," Sharon agreed, stepping out of the last of her undergarments.
The two women turned to the third and gently began undressing her. As they did, Sharon heard Laura speaking softly to Kara as they stripped her. She heard the murmured phrases, 'It wasn't your fault.' 'You haven't done anything wrong.' And, 'It's ok, he'll never hurt you again.' 'You have people that care for you.' But most often Laura just repeated, 'You're safe now, Kara.'
As they removed the last of her clothes, Sharon was unnerved by how docile Kara appeared and gave the woman beside her a questioning glance.
Interpreting Sharon's look, "I gave her an injection," Laura explained. "We needed to take the edge off. There's another syringe in my pants pocket with enough to put her out altogether if…" she faltered, not having to voice what circumstances might make it necessary to give the second injection.
Sharon adjusted the water, running it until it was comfortably warm. Each woman taking an arm, they managed to lift Kara to her feet. Thankfully, she seemed able to stand when supported. With her held between them, they moved Kara under the spray. As the water sluiced over the pale woman, Kara closed her eyes, but seemed to become more steady beneath its stream.
As Sharon got her first look at the twin pale marks that crossed Kara's shoulders and back, she had to fight back tears again, and distracted herself by working cleanser into the short blonde hair, lightly massaging the scalp as she did.
"Hotter," came a mumbled order.
Reaching for the regulator, Laura turned the dial further to the left, feeling the heat increase. Using one of the small workout towels, she tenderly cleaned the wan face.
When Sharon and Laura's eyes met above Kara's slumped shoulders, an unspoken connection crystallized. They took care of the abused woman as only another woman could. As Laura continued to lightly running the material over Kara's body, tenderly wiping away the fear-induced sweat, she remembered times as a teenager with her sisters when she'd felt this intimacy, and it returned naturally now as she passed the cloth to Sharon so the dark-haired woman could finish.
"Hotter," the one word broke their brief rapport, and Laura reached forward to twist the knob even further leftward.
Kara slowly rotated beneath the steaming heat, raising her face against its pressure. Lowering her head, water flowed through her hair, rinsing it clean. With rivulets trailing down her face, Kara opened her eyes to face the dark ones of the woman she'd once called a friend, and then an enemy.
Sharon saw recognition in the green eyes and held her breath, waiting for anger, hate or revulsion to swirl their depths. Instead, the solemn eyes studied hers, searching for something in her own gaze. Grief suddenly crumpled the pale face as Kara dissolved into tears and leaned forward into the shorter woman's shoulder. Startled, Sharon gathered the blonde against her.
Laura stepped in close so they held Kara protected between their bodies. Stroking the blonde head, she murmured words of comfort, not caring what exactly they were, just knowing that they were said and heard. The older woman could feel the difference in Kara's quiet crying compared to her hysterical tears of earlier. These were a release, a sharing of the misery that had swamped her very spirit. Laura and Sharon held onto Kara, giving her something solid to cling to as the emotions swept through her.
For one of the few times in her life, Kara let others support her, giving over to their strength and concern.
The way Laura and Sharon held her now was an experience Kara had never known before, this offer of comfort on such a fundamental level. It was so different from what Leoben had offered her. And while both Helo and Adama had been familiar physical presences, but they'd still been male.
When Kara's tears eased and she finally straighten, both of the other women took a small step back, giving her the chance to find her own balance before letting go completely. As Kara raised her head again, letting the jetting water wash away the salt tracks on her face, the two stepped out of the water and wrapped themselves in towels.
Laura held one out to Kara as she finally turned off the shower faucet. The younger woman took the proffered towel, securing it around her torso, but then dropped her eyes before the older woman's searching gaze.
Laura sighed, practically able to see Starbuck re-emerging and pushing Kara aside. As the peace Kara had temporarily found disappeared behind the Viper Jock's defenses, Laura wondered if they'd made any progress. They had to have, finally unearthing the dark weed that had taken root in Kara's subconscious. Laura fervently hoped that exposing it would allow them to dig it out. She knew that their work didn't end here, that the memory was bound to have tenacious tendrils of guilt and shame that would be resistant to releasing their hold, such was the power of a sexual assault.
Well, I haven't come this far to fail now.
Watching Kara's body language change, reverting to her usual closed, tense figure, Laura renewed her determination. The worst had finally been revealed—Lords, she hoped that was it—and now the job of reclaiming the soil of Kara's self-esteem was ahead of them.
As they heard the knock on the hatch, Sharon, who was already dressed, went to answer it. She retrieved the clothes from Helo and explained that it might be better for them to take Kara back to the Admiral's quarters without him. The brief look of hurt that flashed across his eyes was almost instantly replaced by a knowing nod.
Because she had missed much of what Laura had discerned, Sharon was surprised by Kara's refusal to look at her as she handed the blonde the clean outfit. She exchanged glances with Laura as Kara got dressed while keeping her head bent the entire time. Laura stepped forward, moving slightly between the two younger women.
"Kara, look at me," she said. Then, when she still refused, Laura used a phrase she'd heard the Admiral coin, "Give me your eyes, Captain," she commanded.
As the green eyes involuntarily responded to the familiar order, Laura was both relieved—and saddened by the confirmation of what she saw. She'd been afraid that Starbuck's apathy for the Cylon Sharon had returned, or at least the anger that lurked always just below the surface. But Kara's gaze reflected none of that, instead it only swirled with deep shame and confusion.
As the blonde head dipped again, Laura reached out, grasping her chin and lifting. Kara started to jerk away, but stopped as the older woman shook her head.
"It was not your fault. You did nothing wrong," Laura firmly stated, then grimaced at the denial in the pale face before her. She was well aware that it would take time to bring Kara around to the truth. All she could do was keep planting that belief until it took hold and grew. Reflecting on all of Kara's issues, Laura also knew the younger woman would be feeling exposed by what she'd revealed. That was yet another insidious weed to be uprooted. "It's ok to be weak sometimes, Kara," Laura said.
"No, it's not," disagreed Starbuck, this time pulling her face from the other's grip, but unable now to avert her eyes from the intense brown ones.
"Weakness is not a sin," Laura insisted, "Not something that has to be purged."
"You're wrong," with a shake of her head, Starbuck let bitter experience color her voice, "If you're weak, you're dead. That's the world I know," she rasped out.
"We're all weak sometimes. There's no one that can be strong throughout their life. The strongest people ask for, and accept, help when they need it, Kara," she said, laying a hand on her arm. Laura noted that Kara didn't flinch away or shake off the physical touch. They'd made that much progress as least, she thought with relief.
"I know what I've been taught," assert Starbuck, clasping her fingers, "And that's if you let people see you're weak, someone'll punish you for it."
Struggling how to get through her conditioning, Laura tried again, "Weakness just proves that we're human," she said. As Kara's eyes flicked to the Cylon woman, Laura instantly realized her mistake.
"She's right, Kara," Sharon quickly spoke up. "That's why the Cylons have the same weaknesses as humans. Without them, we aren't people. Just machines."
Both women saw Starbuck's lips tighten as Sharon identified herself with the other Cylons. As she watched, Laura could see the inner conflict displayed in Kara's mobile face. It showed in the way she started worrying her lip, the flexing of the jaw muscles in her cheeks, and how her green gaze drifted away, only to be pulled back to the Raptor pilot.
"You're different," came the grudging words.
"That's because Sharon's a person," Laura agreed. "A whole person that makes mistakes, has strengths…and weaknesses."
The blonde head bent again with a headshake. Laura interpreted it as Starbuck's continuing resistance to her assertions on weakness, instead of a statement on Sharon's...personhood.
"Kara, will you at least admit that not everyone will attack weakness when they see it?" Laura prompted, trying to get her to look at it another way, "Even if weakness is a sin, can't you believe that people might forgive you for it?"
"He won't," she muttered, "He'll be disgusted. When they know the truth, both of them will," came the painful words, and Kara dashed away a tear. "I'll disgust them."
Not sure if Kara could survive another crying jag, Laura didn't know how to proceed. She was tired, and she knew part of Kara's continuing negativity was because of exhaustion, too. But Laura couldn't let this stand. She cupped Kara's cheeks in her palms, refusing to let the young woman pull away again.
"What happened on New Caprica was not your fault," declared Laura, "Leoben was not…your…fault. Only he's responsible for his actions," she stressed, forcing all the conviction she possessed into her voice and gaze, "You did nothing wrong, Kara. He took you without your consent." As Kara shook her head within Laura's hands, she kept her grip firm. "Listen to me. You did not consent. No…you didn't. After weeks of physical and mental abuse, you had no will left to consent," she insisted, leaning her forehead against the blonde's as if hoping she could physically press her conviction through to the mind of the lost woman. "You were confused. What you went through, what Leoben did, left you no choices. No choices, no will, no consent. It's that simple, Kara. All you have to do is let go of the belief you had a choice. He never gave you one," she stated.
"I'm sorry," Kara said, her chin and brows quivering as she held back more tears. "I'm sorry I can't just get over it, let it go. I… It just…" she stumbled to a halt.
"No one's expecting you to 'just get over it'. You're confused and what happened to you took months, why wouldn't it take at least as long to recover?" Laura stated with a slight smile. "You and I still have things to talk about, but not tonight. I think we've all had a rather full evening," she said, give Kara a last gauging look before finally releasing her hold. Laura gently took hold of one of Kara's elbows as Sharon tentatively touched her other, then lightly grasped it when Kara didn't show signs of resisting. "Sharon and I can accompany you back to the Admiral's quarters, and I'll see you tomorrow night, Ok?"
"The Admiral…he can't know." Kara demanded as the thought of seeing him evoked a panicky feeling of being taken to judgment. She dug in her heels, forcing them to a halt.
"What if I promise not to discuss anything about tonight with Admiral Adama until you and I have a chance tomorrow to see what you're comfortable with my sharing?" suggested Laura.
Kara stared at the older woman, seeking reassurance. "I guess," she finally conceded and let herself be encouraged onward. At least she had a reprieve for tonight.
[ I I I I I ]
When Sharon returned to her quarters an hour later, Helo stopped his anxious pacing and pulled her form against him. As the woman nuzzled into her husband's broad chest, she could thankfully tell he had showered and changed, too. The last thing she felt up to was being reminded of Kara's condition as Sharon had first seen her in the gym.
But Karl had other ideas, demanding to know if Kara was ok after he'd left. She did her best to reassure him that she was fine when they'd left her in the Admiral's cabin.
Remembering Kara's grateful look when Laura, having insisted she take her medication, promised they'd stay until she fell asleep. Kara had curled up on the Admiral's couch with her back to them, probably conflicted about their presence, but Sharon found it an optimistic sign that she had accepted them there at all. That the intractable Viper pilot had been willing to sleep in Sharon's presence was a concession that just that morning the Cylon woman wouldn't have believed possible.
Once they were sure that Kara was deeply asleep, the women had spoken briefly, Laura filling in a few additional details on Leoben's part in Kara's captivity, including how he'd chained Sam's dead body to Kara and left her attached to the corpse. It had taken all of Sharon's self control not to flee into the Admiral's washroom and be sick.
Now, back in her own husband's comforting embrace, she just wanted to be held, to feel the strong, steady heartbeat against her ear. Sensing that Sharon wasn't ready to discuss what had happened, Karl lifted her. With their lips tenderly tasting each others, he carried her to their bunk and turned out the light.
[ I I I I I ]
The Admiral looked inquiringly from Kara's sleeping form to Laura where she was sitting at his desk, jotting notes, her exhaustion denoted by the droop of her shoulders and how she kept her head propped up on one palm.
Damn the woman. She's pushing herself too hard, making time for Kara when she already has a hundred other demands. Of course, this was my idea, just didn't know what it would take out of her.
He rubbed a tired hand behind his neck, trying to loosen the muscles tensed from long hours staring at charts and display screens. As he moved over to look down at what Laura was working on, he debated whether to suggest she take a few days break from the sessions with Kara. Surely, both of them needed a break? His eyes widened slightly as he realized that the red hair was damp. Now why had she taken a shower? Bill shoved the question aside as Laura lifted haunted eyes to his. He saw her swallow several times before forcing her voice to speak.
"Don't ask, Bill. It was bad…and no," she added, "I can't tell you anything tonight. I promised Kara that we'd decide together what to share with you."
His craggy features tightened as he realized that he wasn't going to be consulted on what he was or wasn't told about his surrogate daughter's experiences. He gave himself a mental shake, remembering that it had one of the conditions he'd agreed on with Laura if she would accept his request to work with Kara in the first place.
"Ok. I trust you'll tell me what I need to know," he said, then slouched into the chair beside hers and contemplated the extraordinarily woman sitting so close to him. "Are you sure you're up to continuing this?" concern tingeing his question.
"I won't deny I'm exhausted. But…I think the worst might be behind us. Here's hoping I'm not being overly optimistic," she said, holding up crossed fingers. "Instead of meeting nightly with her here, starting tomorrow evening I'd like Kara to come over to Colonial One a few times each week."
"Well, since whatever you're going to tell me can wait, I suggest you call it a night, Madam President." Standing, he offered her a hand, which she accepted with a grateful smile as she rose onto unsteady legs.
"Goodnight, Admiral," she said, giving his warm grip a lingering squeeze before she straightened her back and strode from his home.