Chapter 73 Reflections

Kara's eyelids fluttered open and she stared up at the grey ceiling above the couch. Grey...like the other ceiling…only made of dark metal instead of cold concrete. It didn't feel like much of a difference but it was suppose to mean that she was safe. Yet, right now safe was the last thing she felt as all the unblocked memories crashed down on her waking mind. Clutching at the rough blanket, she fought to keep herself grounded in the here and now. It was so damned hard though, and she sucked in a lungful of air, struggling to breathe past the realization of what had passed between Leoben and her.

Rolling from the improvised bed, she bolted for the lavatory, thankful the seat was up as she started to retch and barely made it before heaving. Propped on the rim, Kara tried to reject what had happened; too horrified to stomach the knowledge.

Some minutes later, shaking and clammy, she straightened and shuffled to the sink. Flinching from the image in the mirror, Kara grabbed the nearest towel and covered the offending reflection once again. Turning away, she stepped to the small shower the Admiral's bathroom boasted. Usually she used the officers' head to clean up, not fully comfortable using the Admiral's, but this time the need to rid herself of the feeling of filth was overwhelming and she cranked the water on and moved under the spray. Within the pounding stream, she scrubbed at her skin, wishing for something more abrasive than the thin washcloth she'd found.

Despite desiring nothing more than to scour until she drew blood, Kara didn't want to linger, afraid the Old Man would wake and need the facility. It was bad enough that she was imposing on him as is, she didn't dare inconvenience him any further.

Once dry and dressed in the same clothes as the day before, she let herself out to find Sergeant Mathias and Corporal Paulson just changing shifts. At the female Marine's questioning look, Kara lifted the bundle under her arm, showing the clean set of clothes and toothbrush. She doubted either missed that her hair was wet and were wondering why she was off to the group facilities when a private one was readily available.

From the corner of her eye, she saw Mathias fall in behind her. It was probably good that she had her watch dog along at the moment, Kara acknowledged to herself, feeling the familiar self-destructive urges pushing her to do something incredibly stupid, like say, hijack a Viper and see how far she could go before running out of fuel and air. Mathias' presence was strangely reassuring, like an external emergency break on her impulses to run or strike out. Knowing the Marine was on her heels gave her a reason to shove them aside. And it wasn't like either were real options anyways.

Maybe the Admiral was right. Maybe she needed to learn another way than fight or flight. That thought triggered another. The 'other' option she sometimes chose, that of frakkin'…which brought her chaotic thoughts back around to what she'd remembered about New Caprica.

The nausea and dizziness hit her again, and she staggered to a stop, hand reaching for the wall to support herself as she fought for control of her mind and body.

"Kara?" the concerned voice was vaguely familiar, but it took a second repetition of her name before she placed it as the Sergeant's. The reminder of her shadowing companion was enough to add the extra kick she need to break free from the flashback and she blinked open her eyes to see the Marine a safe few steps away, waving on crewmembers that had paused in the corridor. Mathias turned back to her, yet kept her distance, undoubtedly having learned not to approach her during one of her 'episodes'. Again, Kara found it oddly comforting having someone watching her back, even if the guard's continued presence implied that the Admiral didn't trust her on her own.

And rightly so. Once he found out the extent of her betrayal, he wouldn't trust her at all. She swallowed the bile that had risen in her throat and braced herself upright with a nod at the other woman. Mathias gave her an appraising look before returning her nod in acknowledgment that Kara had regained control and wasn't about to go nova on her.

The rest of the trip to the head and back was uneventful and she stepped through the hatch to see the Admiral up and already dressed. She saw the clouded worry in his blue eyes dissipate as she entered.

Dredging up a smile, "Good morning, Sir," she said, striving for a mask of normalcy.

"Good morning, Kara. Up early I see," he responded, gaze flicking towards the hatch and back.

"Um, yeah, thought I'd clean up first…before breakfast." His eyes narrowed, and though he didn't say anything, she felt his prompting for more. "I woke up feeling kinda out of sorts," was all the explanation she could manage.

"Ok… Well, come eat. It tastes worse cold," he said, with a nod to the bowl waiting at the second place setting.

Thankful that he hadn't pushed further, Kara crossed and lowered herself into the chair to regard the unappetizing serving of oatmeal. Her stomach turned over as the sparse meal reminded her again of her time in the detention center. A distant part of her noted that she was glad Cottle had confirmed that she wasn't pregnant; otherwise the constant nausea would have had her imagining the worst. As it was, she knew it was just her body's response to the roiling disgust that had taken up permanent residence in the pit of her stomach since Leoben first dragged her from her tent.

Maybe she should ask the Doc if she could be getting an ulcer. She had always expected to be the cause of ulcers, not to be inflicted by one herself. The irony of the idea lifted the corners of her lips and Adama must have seen it.

"If I knew oatmeal would make you smile, I'd have ordered it for breakfast every morning." His softly spoken comment pulled her gaze to him and Kara forced herself to meet his eyes.

"Please don't. I've had enough of it to consider cannibalism as a viable alternative, Sir," she said. "So, if you don't want me chewing someone's ass for no good reason, let's not put in that request."

"Right," he said, sharing the joke before the moment passed and he resolutely lifted his spoon and began to eat. Kara followed suit, and neither tried to make any further small talk, each knowing that they were purposefully ignoring the subject of last night's session.

Once the Admiral finished, he excused himself and left, his presence replaced by the watchful, but thankfully silent, one of the Sergeant's.

Glancing at the wall clock, Kara saw that she still had quite a bit of time before her maintenance shift, but decided to head down to the bay early. It was preferable to remaining in the cabin dwelling on the oppressive memories