A/N: Did a little drinking last night, so I'm a bit groggy right now, please forgive me any crazy talk.
Thank you to the reviewers, you guys are amazing!
And thank you to Greg for beta-ing.
Read.
XXXV.
Inside of the community center, people were huddled together comforting one another. Ben spotted Dr. Glass in the main gym tending to injured, he waved at her, and she returned the gesture, but he didn't want to bother her as she bandaged an older gentleman's head. Matt was in one of the classrooms with the majority of the younger children, Uncle Scott, his wife Kate, and Lourdes were with them. Matt was curled up on a cot in the room attempting to fall asleep as Lourdes read him a bedtime story. She paused, smiling faintly when Ben entered.
"Hey," Ben greeted stiffly, he couldn't say he was overly familiar with the girl but she seemed pleasant enough to him, he couldn't exactly expect much in that regard so was always happy of anyone that didn't outright call him a 'razorback' or something less savory, and she treated Matt well, which was all that really mattered as far as he was concerned.
"Hi," Lourdes returned.
"Ben, you're back," Matt exclaimed, propping himself up slightly in the cot, "Did you get them? All the Skitters?"
Ben smirked, crossing the room and ruffling Matt's hair, "Of course I did. How are you feeling?"
Matt shrugged and Lourdes put the book she'd been reading him down and answered in a small voice, "He's a little shaken up. We all are. One of the Skitters got into the community center…killed someone…a man who tried to protect everyone. All of the fighters were outside fighting and..."
Ben nodded his understanding. He lowered his eyes, and let the anger at that detail of the attack surge through him. How did a Skitter even get passed the first perimeter, how did any of those Skitters and the Mechs make it past the first perimeter? That's why they had patrol units and fighters, wasn't it? Where exactly were they all? And where the fuck was Hal? Shouldn't Hal, at the very least, have been watching over Matt?
Ben scowled, glared into the distance, and realized the same could be said of him. Where exactly was he at that moment, when the enemy attacked? Why wasn't he there, why was it that another man had to die protecting his younger brother? He should have been the one there protecting Matt. Ben flashed on Jimmy, on the sweet moments they'd shared right before the attacks and grimaced, frustrated, Hal's constant demands to spend time with the family suddenly rushing to the forefront of his mind. It shouldn't have to be a choice. He touched Matt's head briefly.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there. I will be next time," he vowed.
Matt said nothing, lowering himself back to the cot. Ben pulled up a chair to sit beside him until he fell asleep, Lourdes taking her leave to care for the other children. Ben was still uncertain of Jimmy's location. He had asked several people about the other boy on his way to the classroom, and those few that were 'kind' enough to stop and talk were all uncertain, and their answers each contradicted one another or made no sense at all. Some swore they saw Jimmy in the community center during the attack, and Ben knew that wasn't true, others wondered darkly if he was amongst the dead, which Ben vehemently denied, and others still had seen him in the center, outside by the parking lot, talking with Weaver, or couldn't be bothered to keep track of 'one stupid kid'.
Several minutes after Matt had fallen asleep, Uncle Scott approached Ben.
"How are you?" the older man asked.
"Okay, I guess," Ben answered, leaning forward on his knees and rubbing the tumultuous emotions from his features, "Thank you, for taking care of my brother."
"Oh no, it's not a problem," Uncle Scott returned, pulling up another chair, positioning it so he was sitting across from Ben, "Now's probably not the time for this, but when would be the time, I wonder? I've wanted to talk to you about what happened last night…"
"What…happened…last night?" Ben repeated uncertainly. He tried to recall last night, but of course, that was the night he couldn't recall. All he knew was he'd hurt Jimmy and then went hunting, but that didn't involve Uncle Scott, as far as he knew. Then his eyes widened in realization. After he'd left Weaver's, he'd encountered Uncle Scott and Jamil in the classroom listening to that ominous signal pouring through the radio speakers. It was the last thing he could remember before being in his tent with a knife to Hal's throat.
"I haven't mentioned it to anyone else; I wanted to give you a chance to explain yourself before I decided what I might do, if anything," Uncle Scott continued, "So…you mind explaining what happened?"
"I…well…that is…" Ben stammered, tipping his head forward and scouring the dark recesses of his memory, tentatively asking, "What…do I need…to explain?"
"I was kind of hoping you might tell me what exactly it was you did to that radio," Uncle Scott supplied, "When you touched it, that signal suddenly came through loud and clear, then it shorted out, and those things in your back burned blue."
"They…what?" Ben gaped, catching his breath, "Did I do…anything else…needing explaining?"
"Don't you remember?" Uncle Scott pressed.
"I…" Ben faltered, lowered his eyes and willed himself to breath. He rationalized that if he'd injured anyone, or done anything extraordinarily out of character, Uncle Scott would've already reported it, and he'd be having this conversation with Weaver under armed guard, "I'm sorry, Uncle Scott, I don't know what I did to the radio. Maybe I just…had a static electric build up?"
"And those rods in your back?" Uncle Scott persisted, eyeing Ben skeptically, "You going to tell me static electricity made them glow blue, too?"
"I don't know," Ben mumbled, letting a bit of agitation into his tone as he pointed out, "I know about as much about these things in my back as everyone else around here, so I don't know what you expect me to say."
"Alright, alright, fair enough," Uncle Scott replied, sitting back and studying Ben a moment, "I think we should talk to my niece about it after things have died down around here."
"What good would that do?" Ben mused. He sniffed, sighed, and buried his head in his hands, "People in this camp hate me. They don't trust me. If it gets out that these things in my back are doing something strange, especially so soon after this attack…they'll think I had something to do with it."
"I understand that, I do," Uncle Scott said, "I'm a little wary myself of sharing what I picked up on that radio for the same reasons, but hiding it won't make it go away, and if it did play a role in what happened tonight…"
"I didn't bring the Skitters here," Ben snapped, heat flooding his features. He tried to control the adrenaline kicking hard into his blood stream, afraid he might lose control in that classroom, with his younger brother beside him. The fear of hurting Matt was the only thing keeping his head cool at that moment and he hoped it was enough.
"I'm not saying that you did," Uncle Scott reassured him, "But if it is a possibility that those spikes of yours had something to do with it, same as my fiddling with that radio, and one or both of us might've unintentionally brought the enemy here, well, we can't let our fears that others will falsely believe we were responsible keep us from figuring out if we might really have been and perhaps how we can stop it from happening again. Does that seem reasonable to you?"
"I guess," Ben mumbled, dropping his eyes, and quietly noting, "If I am responsible, they'll send me away."
"No, they won't," Uncle Scott told him sharply, "I won't let that happen, and neither will your brothers."
"Right," Ben whispered, as if any of them would have the power to stop the masses from banishing him, or worse, executing him 'for the good of the group', "I guess…when everything is sorted out…we can tell Dr. Glass."
"Alright. Good, that's a wise choice, Ben," Uncle Scott said, giving Ben's shoulder a hearty pat, "You should go grab some sleep while you can, I have a feeling you won't be getting much rest until we've relocated the group. Don't worry about your brother; I'll keep an eye on him."
"Okay, thank you," Ben mumbled, standing and heading for the door. Lourdes called a quiet good-bye to him in passing and he nodded acknowledgment to her.
It was difficult to ignore the looks Ben received as he weaved his way through the crowds. He caught sight of Hal, and decided he ought to check in with his brother for once, crossing camp to meet the older boy, though mostly he just wanted to be near someone whose dark looks weren't because of his 'alien side'. Hal was talking to Anthony and a few younger fighters; they were trying to figure out a tighter patrol route. It seemed they wanted to pull all units back as close to the base camp as possible and take up a defensive position for the night, which meant they were anticipating another attack.
"How's Matt?" Hal asked, stepping to the side to speak in low whispers with his brother.
"He's fine. He's sleeping now," Ben answered, rubbing the back of his head and mumbling, "How are you?"
"Alive," Hal replied, with a shrug, "You?"
"Alive," Ben smirked in return.
"I heard you went to chase down some Skitter stragglers," Hal remarked.
"Yeah. They're dead," Ben said.
"I wish you hadn't," Hal grumbled.
"But I did. So get over it," Ben muttered, then sighed and explained, "It was on Dai's order. I didn't just go on my own."
"Right. Weaver is calling a meeting tomorrow at oh-six hundred. He's sending a few units out to determine our escape route, but we still have no clue where to camp out next," Hal explained, "I volunteered to head out with one of the units. He might come looking for you later."
"I'll go find him," Ben decided, "If he needs me to scout…"
"He doesn't want you to scout. He doesn't want you to leave camp," Hal interjected, and Ben perked an inquisitive brow at that, "People are talking. Rumors are floating around…everyone knows you were away from camp when the Skitters hit."
"Meaning what, exactly?" Ben growled, a fleeting pang in his chest, as he cried out, putting all his willpower into keeping the tremor of petulance from his tone, "I was with Jimmy."
It wasn't fair. Was everyone scrutinizing Jimmy for being away also? No, because Jimmy didn't have the spikes in his back. Forget, of course, that Ben just returned from running down a flock of Skitters before they could report back to a larger force the 2nd Mass's location and vulnerability after that surprise attack. The dirty looks and nasty remarks were bad enough, but now his role as a fighter and his use to the 2nd Mass was being threatened, and truth be told, he felt ready to throw the towel in, give up the fight, and let the last remaining bits of the human race know they could fight the rest of the war their own damn selves, hell, what was he fighting for so desperately anyway, when the thing he should be fighting for, his youngest brother, was left alone unprotected. He didn't want to be a hero, certainly not mankind's hero, when they were all so desperate to remind him he didn't qualify as a member of mankind.
"I know, Ben, but…it just doesn't look good right now," Hal said, unable or unwilling to lift his eyes to meet Ben's, "Just…keep your head down for a bit, okay? Hang out with Matt while we sort out what to do next."
"Fine," Ben muttered, and while Hal looked mildly surprised at how quickly that argument fizzled and burned out, he didn't make comment, "Have you seen Jimmy?"
"Um…yeah, earlier," Hal answered, "Few hours back. He told me you took off after those Skitters, asked me where Maggie was, but I don't know if he found her or where he went from there."
"Thanks," Ben grumbled, spinning on heel and stalking towards his tent. It was impossible to ignore the looks he received crossing camp now, and did little to quell the growing feeling inside of him of disdain for every last one of them.
When Ben entered his tent, he hadn't realized how worried about Jimmy he'd truly been until he found the other boy sprawled, asleep, across his tent floor. Ben nearly collapsed in his own relief. He ran a hand over his face, furiously rubbing away the day's events, as he quietly wandered towards the other boy. Immediately, his heart crushed under the weight of his own conflicted guilt. He dropped to his knees besides slumbering Jimmy, fighting the urge to smile affectionately, fighting the urge to cry out in frustration.
Ben had nearly lost his younger brother and managed to further exacerbate the 2nd Mass's lack of trust in him all because he'd been out with Jimmy, but as usual, Jimmy wasn't exactly making it easy for Ben to decide what his greater priorities were, not looking the way he did curled up on the ground like that, snoring softly and looking so sweet and vulnerable, with that tense frown on his lip and deep crease in his brow.
Ben traced his fingertips along the side of Jimmy's face, beautiful heartache yawning in his chest. The part of him that wanted to give up fighting, to stay in camp protecting Matt and doing no more, stood no chance against the raging and selfish part of Ben that thought only of this boy in tormented slumber on his tent floor, that overwhelming part of him that hated the aliens for all they'd done to hurt and destroy this poor boy, and wanting desperately to win the war, if only because of the hope that doing so would mean a future with this one beautiful boy.
Ben sighed, rising to leave Jimmy in sleep, determining to keep vigil in the corner. He wasn't really tired anyway.
"Wait…I'm awake…" Jimmy groggily declared, just as Ben had taken his first few steps away.
Ben winced involuntarily, worrying he'd stirred Jimmy to wakefulness. He peeked back; Jimmy had lifted himself somewhat, and was peeling his eyes open, rubbing them to get the sleep out. When he seemed ready, Jimmy glanced strangely at his arm, tentatively rolling a sleeve up and staring at it with narrowed eyes before blinking a few times, that same expression he wore when they had been in bed together in one of the nearby houses. He shrugged, evidently not finding what he was looking for, and then stretched. Ben furrowed his brow, turning to fully face Jimmy and shoving his hands in his pockets. Jimmy looked at him owlishly and Ben felt his stomach flop over.
"Took you long enough," Jimmy complained.
"Yeah…well…I had to chase down a group of Skitters racing away at full speed," Ben grumbled reply.
"Excuses, excuses," Jimmy muttered, he frowned at the floor and noted, "Worst date ever."
"Hey, the date went great," Ben protested, tentatively amending, "It was just the 'after date' that wasn't so great."
Ben meandered over and plopped on the ground beside Jimmy, they met one another's eyes, shared a small, sad smile.
"You know, I kind of always had this hunch that my first date would be awful, I just didn't think it would be because aliens attacked," Ben commented softly, frowning at the sleeping bag and attempting in vain to smooth out the wrinkles in its top. Jimmy shifted positions, folding his legs and cupping his chin in the palm of his hand, propped up on an elbow.
"That was your first date?" Jimmy sheepishly noted.
"Yeah…well…I was thirteen when the aliens invaded…so…you know…no big deal," Ben stammered, embarrassedly. What was he supposed to say? He wasn't popular in school. Jimmy had already somewhat surmised that much on his own, why was he acting so surprised?
"Oh," Jimmy murmured, smiling softly at the tent floor a moment, before quietly admitting, "My first date was awful. Her mom drove us to the movie theater and kept telling me I was the cutest thing she'd ever seen, like I was a fucking puppy or something. She wanted to see something romantic, so the movie sucked. I only had enough money to cover the tickets, so she got mad that she had to buy her own soda. And my friends had followed and sat in the back row throwing popcorn at us the whole time. Assholes…"
Ben stared at Jimmy, stunned by the sudden story sharing, and smirking softly, struggling not to just reach out, drag that other boy to him and kiss him hard. Sadness lingered in Jimmy's eyes a moment, the extended edition of that memory playing through his mind, and then he blinked it away and looked expectantly at Ben. Ben plopped on the ground beside Jimmy, pulled his knees up, wrapped his arms around them, and rested his forehead atop.
"Skitter got in the community center," he said, "Hal had left Matt with Dr. Glass when it broke in."
"Is he okay?" Jimmy questioned concern evident in the waver of his voice.
"He was alone," Ben mumbled.
"He was with Dr. Glass and the other civilians," Jimmy pointed out, confused by the statement. Ben scrunched his features, felt a cinch in his chest, a knot forming around his heart.
"Hal wasn't with him, though," Ben explained, then whispered, "I wasn't with him. He could've died or been taken and harnessed, and where was I? Breaking into some house where I wasn't supposed to be, messing around…"
"What are you trying to say? That it's my fault? Because you were the one who wanted…" Jimmy started, his tone was harsh, but it trembled with emotion.
"No. It's my fault," Ben replied sharply. He tried to bring himself to look at the other boy, but he couldn't do it, he didn't have the strength to see what expression Jimmy wore, didn't think he could keep his own emotions contained, "It's always my fault."
There was a long drawn out silence from Jimmy and Ben couldn't guess at what the other boy was thinking, at what he was feeling right then in that moment. Ben froze at the touch to his shoulder, he glanced back to find that it was the heavy weight of Jimmy's forehead. Ben's heart stopped a moment, and then sprinted into high gear. He pressed his lips together, a thin line, grimacing, and glared forward to the tent entrance.
"What would you have really done, if you were there?" Jimmy wondered, he dropped his voice low and said, "You would've had to leave him with the doctor, too, just like Hal. You can't take responsibility for everything, Ben."
"You always do," Ben replied, smirking somewhat.
"Yeah, and it's turned out so well for me, right?" Jimmy snapped.
Ben could feel the other boy's brow wrinkle and then Jimmy turned his face to rest his cheek on Ben's shoulder instead. He traced a finger over Ben's t-shirt, around the rods that lined Ben's spine and Ben shuddered involuntarily from the phantom touch.
"People are talking about me," Ben admitted, sighing, "About how I wasn't here when the attack started."
"So? Neither was I," Jimmy pointed out.
"Yeah, but you're not the razorback," Ben returned, humorlessly, and Jimmy's finger stopped dead in its tracks, "I can hear them all talking about it right now. Most of them want me gone. They think I was out there talking to the Skitters, telling them where we were…and maybe they're right, maybe I should be gone…maybe I did have something to do with it…maybe this whole night was my fault and people are dead because…"
"Stop it," Jimmy commanded in a steely tone. He pulled back from Ben and Ben instantly missed the touch, "Look at me."
Ben shook his head, glared at the tarp floor.
"Ben," Jimmy growled, using a hand to forcibly turn Ben's face towards his own, "Look at me."
Ben scowled, brought his eyes up to meet Jimmy's piercing gaze.
"Fuck 'em," Jimmy determined, shrugging, "They don't know what they're talking about. You were out with me; you know that, I know that, so they can talk all they want, it won't change what really happened. Why do you care what they think anyway?"
"I don't know," Ben mumbled, then shrugged, "I don't care, I guess," he smirked, "I care what you think."
"I know where you were," Jimmy said absently, brushing a kiss to Ben's lips.
"Yeah," Ben smiled, then returned the kiss, slipping an arm around Jimmy's waist, dragging him close and nuzzling his neck, as Uncle Scott's words from earlier echoed in Ben's ears, and visions of Jimmy slammed against the wall, a knife to Hal's neck, his strange blackouts, dreams of an alien world and a strange girl, all flashed before his eyes, "Weaver is keeping me in camp until we've retreated. Because he doesn't know if he can trust me. Because nobody trusts me."
"Stupid," Jimmy muttered.
"Maybe," Ben returned, shrugging, and sighing against Jimmy's skin, breathing Jimmy in and relishing the feel of his body, warm and soft. He smiled vaguely, and made light comment, "So close."
"Close to what?" Jimmy mused.
Ben shifted to glance pointedly at Jimmy's backside and Jimmy flushed noticeably.
"Right. You're clearly feeling better now, so I'm going to go see if Weaver needs me for anything," Jimmy announced, mock indignant.
Jimmy started to climb to his feet, but Ben grabbed hold of him, dragging him back down by the wrist and wrapping him up in a strong embrace, smothering him with kisses fluttering along his neck and jaw and cheeks, pushing him back onto the ground and settling atop him, mouth immediately latching onto his own.
"Ben, I really do need to go," Jimmy half-chuckled, squirming somewhat, his expression somber, brow wrinkling concernedly as he reminded Ben, "We're still recovering from this attack and we're down four fighters. They might need me on patrol."
"Eight fighters actually, and I need you more," Ben retorted, propping himself up to gaze imploringly into Jimmy's eyes, a tint of sadness in their shimmering depths, "Please…just for a few minutes. Stay. I just want to…want to be with you right now…not like that…I mean…I just want to…want to know you're here…right now is all."
A strange emotion flickered through Jimmy's features, and he smiled softly, pulling Ben back down into a kiss, holding him tightly.
"Okay…just for a few minutes," Jimmy relented, ghosting his fingers absently along the rods jutting out of Ben's neck. His hand started to slide away down Ben's shoulder, and Ben grabbed hold of it, gently drawing it back towards the cool metal.
"No," Ben whispered, ducking his head down as he meekly told the other boy, "Leave it there."
A question flitted through Jimmy's expression only briefly, before something like understanding edged into his blue eyes, and he nodded, sliding his other hand up beneath Ben's shirt to trace along each and every rod sticking from his spine. Ben sighed, relaxed and closed his eyes. Distantly, he was aware of the whispers flitting through camp, but it didn't matter, fuck them. He wasn't fighting for them; he was fighting for this boy. He didn't need to be mankind's hero; he only needed to be Jimmy's hero.
.
.
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A/N: Hm...yup, that.
Uh...tired...got to go watch a lecture so...
Let me know what you think please!
Reviewers: SassySavanna190, glad you liked the chapter so much! Yeah, Dai is the strong silent type. I keep wanting to give him bigger bonding scenes with Jimmy or something, but he won't cooperate. Bugger. Lol, interesting theories on the unharnessed kids being the ones to spill the beans...hm...and yeah, I think everyone knows my feelings on "civilians" in the show. Yay! Look, they're all right! Cookie97, oi, I hope you did well on your math mid-term. I have a love-hate relationship with math, to be honest, I love its beauty, I hate its complicatedness. No, Ben doesn't do the things he should. Ah, you make a good cookie too! JDMlvr1, Ben is always on time! Okay...maybe not always...but you won't need to save Jimmy, this time anyway. He's okay! My paper did go well-ish, thank you!
See you guys next Sunday!