AN: Here's another little chapter for everyone. We get a little glimpse into what Carol's going through here. It's a little heavy.
I hope you enjoy the chapter. Let me know what you think!
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To say that Carol was distracted by all that was happening would have been a grave understatement. Michonne finally sent her home when, the following day, she almost caused an accidental fire in the break room and then proceeded to schedule two of Michonne's clients at the same time and subsequently forgot to inform the lawyer of either of the appointments.
Carol was sorry that she was being sent home, but she was grateful for the chance to be out of the office. She knew that she wasn't exactly functioning on all systems go at the time and the fact that Michonne wasn't angry with her, but was, instead sympathetic was also a relief.
In itself the situation with Daryl would have had Carol distracted. She wasn't sure what to do now that she'd set her plan into motion to spend more time with Daryl and make sure that they knew each other well enough to keep from falling into their own ways when they finally did come back together. She still thought the idea was a good one, in theory at least, but she wasn't really sure what to do with it in practice.
She knew that she loved Daryl and she didn't doubt that he loved her. There was no shortage of love between them and that hadn't been the cause of any of their problems thus far…at least not in her opinion.
In her opinion their problems thus far had been caused by problems in communication, and the more she thought about it, the more she realized that this wasn't the fault of either of them exclusively. Daryl hadn't been raised to be stellar at communication. One look at Merle could tell anyone that.
He wasn't used to talking about his feelings, thoughts, and opinions on anything. Carol knew that it wasn't that Daryl didn't have feelings and opinions, and it wasn't that he wasn't intelligent enough to contribute to any given situation, but it seemed to be more that he'd gone for so long thinking that they didn't matter. What he felt or thought was going to be ignored anyway. It was inconsequential and therefore he might as well not even bother worrying about processing his own thoughts on things, less likely worry about expressing them.
Carol understood this too. With Ed her feelings hadn't been validated very regularly either. He'd treated her as though she were too stupid to have thoughts and opinions, and anything she felt was simply wrong unless everything matched up entirely with his own way of seeing things. Therefore, it had simply been easier to let everything go according to his whims and hide her own feelings, hopefully avoiding punishment as well.
So now that she was actually considering, carefully, what it was that had caused her and Daryl to have trouble in the past, she was realizing that neither of them were to blame for their problems and both of them were to blame…and communication, or rather lack thereof, was at the very core of it all.
She didn't know, then, how to remedy the situation entirely. They were talking now…but part of her felt like she had to hold back and she had to try to mold what she said to keep upsetting Daryl. Part of her also told her that he was trying to mold what he said to placate her. She supposed that this was maybe what was supposed to happen in any relationship, but she wasn't truly positive. How were they supposed to know how much holding back was enough and how much would just eventually blow up in their faces?
And she wanted him back…and he wanted to be back. The night before had not been an easy one. She'd tossed and she'd turned most of the night with all the awful images and thoughts that her brain thought it was entertaining to throw to her. It showed her things that her waking mind wouldn't even dare to remember now and she was glad that it wouldn't. Andrea had been there, like the good friend that she was, and she'd woken up right along with Carol when the nightmares came, bringing her water and talking to her, trying to soothe her back to sleep with all the happy thoughts that Andrea could muster in the middle of the night…but it wasn't like having Daryl there.
So thinking on the topic had almost exhausted Carol and made her fear that they weren't ever going to find a solution. She'd wait too long or she wouldn't wait long enough…or there just wasn't any way to make it work and one day it would all come crashing down. And all of it, every last bit of it, had made her afraid that they could both love each other so much and yet never be able to be happy together because they didn't know how to be happy.
If the situation with Daryl wouldn't have been enough to make her feel like she was going crazy, then there was the whole thing with Ed. Carol tried to pretend she wasn't worried about it, but the fact that was that it was almost eating her alive.
She was on the verge of tears almost since the second she'd ripped open the envelope and all of it had come crashing down around her. In fact, she'd been close to tears so much that she'd only controlled them with her pinching technique and now she was forced to wear long sleeved shirts whether she wanted to or not because she'd woken up with the underside of both her arms and several spots on various other places of her body where she'd pinched until they were almost black.
She didn't want anyone to know that she was as upset as she was about Ed, she didn't want to be ridiculed by anyone for the crying that she couldn't seem to get under control, and she certainly didn't want anyone to know about the bruises for fear of what they might say about that.
The letter, though, when she'd opened it, had opened up every wound inside that she'd thought had finally scarred over. It was, first and foremost, concrete evidence that Ed was fighting the court's ruling on his stay in prison. It was proof that Ed was still there…not gone like she liked to imagine him being from time to time. He was alive and well and he could very well return like a goblin come crawling out of her nightmares.
It also meant that she was going to have to face him. She'd have to see him sitting there, in that court room, and even if he couldn't speak to her or touch her…even if she had her very own guard…nothing could protect her from knowing that he was looking at her and knowing all the things that he was thinking and imagining. Probably all the things that he wanted to do to her…things she knew he would try to do if the court system failed her and he walked free.
Her mind reeled about the fact that he might walk free. He might show up somewhere…at her work or at her home or very likely hidden in the shadows somewhere outside one of the places…and then he'd finish what he started and he'd kill her like he'd always threatened to do. Or worse…
Carol worried that it could be so much worse. He could leave her alive…disfigure her or something horrifying and leave her something that Daryl couldn't love…that no man could love. And even more horrifying than that…the most horrifying thing of all to her at the moment…was that he could leave her alive and kill the baby.
And all of these were things she didn't want to talk about with others. They were fears that she didn't want to voice out loud because she could already hear the responses in her head that others would give her. Each response building on the other like kids rolling a snowball of possibilities…except they meant so much less to everyone else than they meant to her and no one that told her these things really ever seemed to realize that they weren't helping.
"He won't get out of prison…the court won't let him out. If he does get out of prison he won't get near you. We won't let him get near you. We won't let him hurt you or the baby. The baby will be fine. Even if something happened, he'd go back to prison. He'd go back for longer…he'd be gone. The baby would be just fine. Even if the baby wasn't fine you could have others…you could always try again."
Their intentions were good, and so Carol didn't fault them for not knowing what to say. There wasn't anything to say that could make it better, so it wasn't surprising that they were all at a loss for what they should offer her in the way of comfort.
And then her mind reminded him that Ed only had five years to serve. That was it. If this entire case fell through and he had to finish out his sentence, Carol wasn't really free from him. He had five years and then he'd get out…his debt would paid…and he'd be a free man. Although Carol hoped that in five years he would forget about her and move on…that he'd get out of prison and pick up and try to make a new life elsewhere, where no one knew him and no one knew the kind of man that he'd been…she feared he wouldn't forget. And then she'd be just where she was now except for the fact that she'd be five years into the future.
So to say that she was distracted by all of this? That would have been the understatement of the year.
When Carol got home from Michonne's she tried to keep herself busy. She hoped that if she was busy with things she could somehow keep from dwelling on all the problems she felt she had at the moment. She put herself to work in the kitchen, soaking and hand washing the blankets that Miss Jo had given her, determined to hang them on the line in the backyard to dry.
The activity was helping a little, though it wasn't taking her mind entirely off of everything. It was at least giving her something to do, though, as she carefully examined them and tried to delicately scrub out the stains. Some of them were stains from when the blankets and things had belonged to the Greene girls, but others were simply the spots that came from age and from being poorly stored in an attic. Carol tried, though, to focus all the attention she had on cleaning the delicate little things and telling herself over and over that things were going to be fine and she could imagine wrapping her own child in the delicately made items.
"What are you doing?" Andrea asked, leaning over Carol.
Carol nearly jumped through the roof and she threw the wet blanket in her hand at Andrea almost brought to tears just from the fear and the sudden stopping of her heart. She'd been so absorbed in her thoughts and all that was going on in her mind that she had completely failed to notice Andrea arrive at the house or let herself in the door.
Carol had obviously surprised Andrea as well because Andrea backed away from her so fast, her face panic stricken, that she almost tripped over Lincoln who yelped and ran off.
"Jesus, Carol! What's wrong?" Andrea asked, grabbing at her own chest to mirror Carol's actions.
"You snuck up on me!" Carol yelled at Andrea. "You damn near gave me a heart attack!"
Both of them were calming down a little now.
"Carol, I hardly snuck up on you," Andrea said. "I've never been accused of being quiet and I even got myself a snack and fixed it."
Andrea pointed to the counter and Carol realized how really absorbed she was by her thoughts at the moment. She picked the wet blanket up off the floor that she'd flung at Andrea in some kind of desperate need to react in some way to the shock that had run through her. She tossed the blanket back in the sink with the others that were soaking and brought her hand to her forehead.
She felt the tears welling up again and reached her other hand to pinch under her left arm, disguising it by trying to look like she was wrapping her arm around herself.
Andrea stepped forward then and Carol opened her eyes and dropped both her arms when Andrea clasped her shoulders, searching her face.
"What's wrong?" Andrea asked. "I swear! I didn't mean to scare you! You got me good too if you want to know the truth. I didn't expect you to turn around and come at me like I was a chainsaw murdered."
Carol snickered a little and wrapped her arms around Andrea.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I've just got so much on my mind. I guess I wasn't even really here and then you talked and I wasn't expecting you to be here."
Andrea pushed her away.
"It's fine…really. Is it something I can help you with?" Andrea asked.
Carol shook her head and sighed.
"It's Ed, Andrea…It's Daryl and this thing with Daryl…and it's Ed…it always comes back to Ed," Carol said. She felt herself getting angry for a moment. "I hate that it always comes back to Ed."
Andrea nodded her head a little and took a deep breath.
"What's wrong with you and Daryl?" Andrea asked. "Nothing happened, did it? Everything was fine last night."
"That's the thing," Carol said. "Everything was great last night…and it's been fine. I don't know how to tell when it's been long enough…I don't know how to tell when we've gotten to know each other well enough…when he's not going to run away again. Andrea there is so much going on right now…and on the one hand I want Daryl here and I want him to be with me…but on the other I feel like I need to see how we're going to handle some of this…apart and together…before I feel like I'm really going to know if we're going to be able to do this whole relationship thing long term."
Carol looked at Andrea like she might have all the answers, but it was obvious her friend didn't. Andrea was standing in front of her, her arms folded across her chest, obviously focused on her words, but the concerned look on her forehead told Carol that Andrea didn't know how to answer all the questions any better than she did.
"Then don't worry about it," Andrea said. "So you don't let him move back in…that's fine. I think that's smart. You'll know when you feel like it's the right time. The rest of the time just do what feels right. If you want to spend time with him, then spend time with him! If you want to cook for him, invite him over to eat! If you want to kiss him and cuddle with him, then by all means, do it! There's not one single playbook for dating, Carol. It has to work for everyone the way it's going to work out. Sometimes it doesn't work out, and sometimes it does."
Carol chuckled halfheartedly.
"And if it doesn't?" Carol asked.
Andrea shrugged.
"Then it doesn't…and sometimes it gets caught in some kind of damn halfway point where you don't even know what the hell is happening…then you end up stuck in limbo with some drunk asshole who thinks it's fun to spend his evenings flinging three year old peanuts at you," Andrea said with a smile.
Carol sighed. She couldn't explain, at the moment, how glad she was that Andrea had brought up Merle, or that she'd brought up anything really. Just for a moment the idea of thinking about or talking about someone else's life made Carol almost feel less exhausted than she had been.
Carol shook her head.
"Keep me company while I'm washing?" Carol asked, turning back to the blankets in the sink. "Please? I'll help you with your relationship woes…"
Andrea chuckled and crossed the kitchen, coming back a moment later to lean near the sink with her drink and the chips she had as a snack.
"I don't have woes exactly," Andrea said. "As much as I have a great big series of what the fuck is happenings going on."
Carol smiled at her.
"So what's going on?" Carol asked.
"Eh…well…there's Axel," Andrea said. "And then there's Merle."
"And we've decided that Merle is out, right?" Carol asked.
"You know that I care about him," Andrea said.
"And Axel?" Carol asked.
Andrea sighed.
"I know that I'm going to hate myself for saying this, Carol, but Axel's just too nice. He's the nicest guy I've ever known in my life. He's so nice that he asks permission to hold my hand or kiss me…and I really do like him. I mean I like being around him and if I were going to just hang out with some dude for the rest of my life like he was some kind of buddy, then it would be Axel because he's just that damn nice. But there are absolutely no sparks there," Andrea said.
Carol frowned.
"None at all? Not even teeny tiny ones you could blow on?" Carol asked.
Andrea chuckled and shook her head.
"I have more sparks with you," Andrea said.
Carol frowned again.
"That's bad," Carol said.
"Terrible," Andrea responded. "Plus he's like you in male form…no offense. I mean he wants a family and he wants like eight hundred kids and a wife in a 1950s apron or some shit like that. His fantasy family would have me dripping in screaming children and welcome home honeys. I'm not that woman, Carol. I don't want to be that woman…and I think if she's out there then Axel really does deserve to find her…but it's not me. The thought of it doesn't make me want to hop into bed with him either. In fact, the thought of it makes me want to make an appointment to get my tubes tied tomorrow or something like that."
"And what does Axel say?" Carol asked. "What have you told him?"
Andrea shrugged slightly, leaning on her elbows by the sink.
"I mean I told him that I want to be his friend…and I told him things were complicated with me and with my life. He says he's fine with that. He says he's not in a hurry…that he's waited this long in his life and he's not against being friends with me while I get things sorted out," Andrea said.
"And then there's Merle?" Carol asked.
"And then there's Merle," Andrea said. "Stupid bastard. I swear that there are times I wish I'd never even met his sorry ass. If I didn't know him, I wouldn't give a shit about him and maybe I'd learn to love the idea of being some kind of vanilla flavored housewife. No offense…"
"None taken," Carol said. "I have no intention of being vanilla flavored if I can help it."
Andrea smirked.
"So yeah…so Merle's been back hanging up at the Water Hole every damn night and I feel like he's popping up here and there and I never know when to expect him. He's always harassing me…wanting to know what I'm doing with Axel…telling me I can't be serious about him," Andrea said.
"Which you're not," Carol said. "And Merle's jealous. It's as plain as the nose on his face. It's just like it was clear that he cared about you from the beginning."
"So why can't he quit being a dick and just admit it?" Andrea asked.
Carol sighed, relieved to focusing on Andrea's problems for a while. They were different than hers, and the break was nice for her.
"If Merle were to admit that he cared about you, would you want him back?" Carol asked.
Andrea looked hesitant to respond.
"And I mean you get the whole Merle package, after all…the whole big ball of asshole that he is. Would you want him back?" Carol asked.
Andrea chuckled. She nodded her head slightly.
"I never cared that Merle was an asshole," Andrea said. "Honestly? It's part of what I liked about him…however sick that sounds. It's part of what made me care about Merle. I think if he could admit that he cared about me…maybe agreed to try and show it once in a while…you know, nothing too spectacular…then yes, I would want him back."
Carol faked a whine at her friend.
"But Axel's so nice…" she said. "And being pregnant isn't all that bad…you could do it…we could get you really good drugs or something and you'd probably never even notice that you had like four hundred kids running around."
Andrea chuckled.
"That'd be the way to go, wouldn't it?" Andrea said.
Carol sighed.
"I think Merle realizes he misses you," Carol said. "The ball could be in your court…if it's what you want."
"Yeah…" Andrea said. "But I'm not begging Merle…that's the thing. I'm hard headed enough that I'd rather spend my life alone than beg Merle to be even remotely nice to me."
"Maybe he'll come around on his own," Carol offered, knowing that it really meant nothing.
Andrea chuckled and stood up from her position.
"And maybe frogs will grow wings so they don't bump their asses when they hop," she said. "We could think about what might happen all damn day long, but right now all we've got is what the hell is right in front of us."
Andrea finished her glass of tea in one swallow and rolled the chip bag up that she hadn't eaten out of, tossing it to the side on the counter.
"And right now I've got a shower in front of me because I smell like deep fried disgusting and I've got a date with Axel. We're going out to dinner and then maybe I'll make him paint my toenails," Andrea said with a laugh.
Carol shook her head at her and watched as Andrea left the glass and headed toward the back of the house to get her clean clothes.
"All we've got is what's right the hell in front of us," Carol said to herself, going back to finishing up the blankets so she could get them hung out to dry overnight.