(Originally posted 03/08/13)
A/N This chapter contains scenes of non-consensual violence.
-OOO-
Jack maintained a respectable distance from his man. Not only was this wise, it was the only course of action he could take in the present circumstances. Ianto had become a medical celebrity of sorts. It was almost unheard of, that someone that close to restaurant death, could peruse the menu, decide that they were allergic to everything on it and march unscathed out of there.
He had fans.
An entourage.
Jack watched from his vantage point. He monitored the situation. He made a note of every single visitor medicinal or otherwise.
He made friends with Dr Harper - from afar.
Family was forbidden.
Friends even more so.
He bided his time.
-O-
Never one to follow the rules completely, after a fortnight Jack Harkness began his nightly rounds. Under the cover of darkness and lethargy, he slipped into Ianto's room. The student nurse who was supposed to be attending him, was instead engrossed in her text-book, mid-terms were coming up. Jack froze her reality. He would not disturb her and she would be unaware of him.
Ianto lay still.
Very still.
Only the rhythmic rasp of the ventilator made a sound. The obtrusive tube stretched Ianto's gullet, painfully providing the pure air that he desperately needed. Jack gently touched his throat, reducing the girth of the tube, providing the comfort that Ianto desperately needed.
"Hey you" Jack threaded his fingers through Ianto's damp fringe, as he said this. He knew that Ianto could hear him; he just wasn't sure which room he was currently in. He drew the seat that he had taken, nearer to the sickbed.
"How are you holding up fella? Good?" Jack tried to keep his tone light and up-beat, but it was harder than he'd thought it would be.
"Don't think this is a social call. I'm just here to let you know that your annual leave is almost up. We're all missing you Yan; no-one makes coffee like you do."
Jack forced a smile. No-one was convinced.
"On a more selfish note, my room is a tip; it could use a bit of Iantoing, if you know what I mean."
Still Ianto selfishly slept.
Jack looked on. Each stare stabbed at his hearts.
"Well I'll just let you mull it over. I'll go." Jack rose, untypically uncertain what to do next. He ducked down again, closing in on Ianto's nearest ear. "I'm only letting you go now, because I need you to come back to me."
He actually blushed feeling unusually adolescent again.
As Jack departed he left a leaving gift, he drenched the room in strength.
-O-
Every subsequent night followed a familiar pattern. After his unscheduled visit, Jack left an attribute he felt Ianto may need.
Fortitude.
Bravery.
Confidence.
Ability.
-O-
Jack Harkness was in luck, on this night he and Ianto Jones were truly alone. No need to nudge nature to one side. Embolden Jack climbed onto Ianto's cot in celebration.
"Alone at last, what am I going to do with you now?" He said making himself comfortable. Ianto's eyelids flickered.
"How about we go on a date? Someplace nice? A meal? Italian maybe?" Jack chuckled at his own joke, fluffing the pillow they both shared.
"Or we could just stay in and chat; I know how shy you are. What do you think?"
Ianto slowly turned his head towards Jack. The effort made him sweat.
"Okay" he gutturally gasped.
-OOO-
"How about we go on a date? Someplace nice? A meal? Italian maybe?"
These words struck a chord in Ianto, not just because he was starving; no he seemed to remember that in the dim and distant past, he was missing a date with a certain American.
"Sounds gggr great." he almost choked. Never before had speech hurt so much. He felt blocked, stymied.
Jack's face rose into view. Ianto couldn't quite read the expression upon it. Relief? Anxiety? Shock? Pleasure?
"Ssshh Yan sssh. Don't try to speak. Just swallow and yawn, swallow and yawn. I've got this." Staff nurse Harkness softly removed the breathing tube from Ianto's windpipe. Ianto spluttered out five weeks of frustration from within him.
"Wait there. I'll be back." Quickly planting a peck on Ianto's dry coarse lips Jack made a swift exit from the cubicle. He returned with a plastic jug full of water, iced and sliced for the Welshman's benefit.
"Here, take a sip" Jack held a beaker to Ianto's mouth. At this angle, most actually slipped down Ianto's neck. He felt Jack's warm firm tongue, lap up the moist damage. Memory bells rang.
"Why am I, am I here?"
"You had an accident Yan, but you're on the mend now."
Even though it hurt, Ianto craned his head even more, so that he could get a good look at his care attendant. He fully took in the sight of his boss. It was the first time he had seen him looking dishevelled. He kind of liked it. He looked good in his civvies, but something was missing. Where was his greatcoat?
"No c c coat?"
Jack smirked, trust Ianto to notice. "It's at the cleaners, don't you worry your pretty little head about it."
Ianto huffed "Not pretty."
"Let me be the judge of that."
"Thirsty."
"Here have some more." Jack held the beaker with more care this time. Ianto observed Jack's behaviour carefully. What had he done to deserve this? Surely this was more than a bump on the head warranted?
He waited for the other shoe to drop.
Lips quenched Ianto turned his attention away from Jack and back to his room.
It was quite spacious, considering.
It was quite calming.
It was quite…familiar.
"…Been before."
"What was that Yan?"
"I've been here before."
"Really when?"
Ianto flinched involuntarily in response to the question. He would have curled into the foetal position, if Jack hadn't have been taking up all the available space.
"D dd doesn't matter."
"Ianto?"
"It really doesn't matter now. It's over with. Finished."
"Tell me."
"Huh?"
"Tell me Yan."
Ianto looked directly into Jack's beseeching face, and felt something within him give way. He shifted. He'd shifted.
He felt something almost new. A feeling that he hadn't experienced for the longest time.
Trust.
Ianto squirmed. "My background has background; you might want to leave at the adverts."
Jack now smiled. "I've got a ringside seat and popcorn, what more could I want?
It was Ianto's turn to smile, he topped up with one last glance at Jack's encouraging eyes before he went on his travels, to a foreign land, his past.
-O-
Ianto was the first to concede that he had been a strange little boy. "My mother indulged me where the rest of the world would not. She was wonderful, but died when I was very young, before I'd had my fill of her. I know I shouldn't but I still miss her everyday."
Her love endures Ianto.
"It was rough afterwards, at home. Dad and I just didn't seem to click. We hadn't before, but now our buffer was gone. I escaped every way possible I could. Physically and mentally. I lived in the closet mainly, the one in my head. My fantasies kept me sane, well they did with a little help from Nancy Drew.
I wanted to be anywhere but there.
I knew he wanted that too.
I tiptoed through my days. I spent the first seventeen years of my life keeping my fingers-crossed. It was too dangerous to unravel me in plain sight.
Do you know what it's like to have to constantly mind your p's and q's so much, that you forget that the rest of the alphabet exists?
I became my own best friend. I stayed in a lot, watching Bond films. He called me Little Miss Freeview.
But I'd never said."
I'd have given you the words babe.
"I became quietly rebellious. I felt the world owed me something, although at the time I wasn't entirely sure what. I began to utilise the five fingered discount when out and about. For the first time in my life I felt bold and strong.
I became daring.
I became audacious.
Reckless.
I also became a statistic. I got caught."
"Oh no"- Jack moved his hand to Ianto's stomach and quietly rubbed him there.
"It all happened so quickly, one minute I was congratulating myself on a job well done, the next I was filling the hands of a local security guard. He was a jobs-worth, although to be fair I was his job.
He handed me over to the Police, only then did I realise that this was serious."
Ianto stopped talking. His eyes clouded over. He shook slightly. Almost without thinking, he reached for Jack's hand. It was unlike Ianto to seek comfort. Jack gave freely of himself.
"I was taken. Whisked away to the statutory building. I was processed. Allowed my one phone call."
Ianto closed his eyes at this point.
"I called him. Called twice as I was underage. Called and pleaded with him. He listened, he did, I could hear him breathing. He listened and then ignored my pleas. Said it served me right and that it would be character building. He put the phone down on me.
Twice."
"Oh Yan."
Ianto took another sip of water. Jack gave him a fortifying hug.
"I was taken to a cell. I had no idea how long I'd be there, two to three hours? Overnight? My fate lay in his hands and they were busy elsewhere.
I had no idea what was in store.
I soon found out.
After what felt like hours a sergeant came into see me, with a tray full of food. I wasn't hungry but he insisted I eat…something.
I tried being polite. Said I couldn't manage a thing; but he persisted. Mentioned that I may need an incentive to swallow. He stroked my cheek. He smeared my lips with gravy. He kissed me.
I was shocked. Confused. Scared.
I backed away; made another wall my home, but he knew the layout of my new abode better than me.
He was on me instantly. Had my hands locked behind my back before I remembered where they lived.
He was forceful.
Brutal.
His huge muscular hands manipulated me, like I was a toy.
He invaded everywhere. Grabbing. Grasping. Twisting. Pinching. Clothing became undone. I was on my knees before I knew it. This is where he wanted me, apparently."
Jack squeezed Ianto's hand hard. He hardly noticed.
Lost in his reverie he continued.
"He was ready, had been for a while. He bumped himself against my lips, seeking entry. I was crying. Tears splashed down. I tasted salt.
Fuck, no, no.
Gerroff me. Get away.
I tried to shuffle away, but he held me still.
I won't do it again I promise.
Help me."
Jack recognised the script. A shiver ran through him.
"No help came. He just helped himself to me. He was rough. Scratched the roof of my mouth. The cut irritated me for days.
When he was done, he threw me away like a used tissue."
Jack tried not to clench his soul.
"I'd like to say that this was a one-off; but because of the Bank Holiday, he was my liquid lunch for the next two days."
"Ianto no!"
A tear dropped from Ianto's eye.
"Don't mind me, I always cry in a minor key."
"You shouldn't have to."
"I know, but it's okay now. It can't hurt me anymore. It's all been archived. It's like a picture I never look at. There but lifeless.
Finally, they had to let me go, on the Tuesday. 72 hours was the maximum they could hold me. I tore home and tore into my dad. Everything I had been holding back for years came flooding out.
It was ugly.
I left then and there.
Left home.
Left school.
Left my life.
I started the year that never was."
"You were only a kid Yan, how did you survive?"
Ianto looked away.
"It's best not to ask. Let's just say I had acquired a new skill."
"I wish I had known you then, I could've protected you."
Ianto turned his head back and gave a wan quarter-smile.
"It wouldn't have made any difference, I wouldn't have let you. I was raging, tinged with fire. Black smoke filled my head. I'd seared off all my emotions. I just saw nothing. I heard nothing. I felt even less."
Jack shook his head; he couldn't help but feel that Ianto had been hardwired for hardship.
-O-
"I got by, it wasn't pretty, needs must. I found out my dad had died. As much as I hated him, I knew I had to take care of him. I went home. For good. It was a relief to see my sister again.
I slotted back into my old life. Became a schoolboy again. Acquired merit badges.
I remained on an even keel for a few years after that. I collected everything a young man should have; but I was curious, too afraid to listen to the thoughts that licked around the edges of my brain. Unsure of how to feed my constant craving.
Too afraid of what might happen.
I made a discovery, a new club in town. The clientele, mainly men, seemed to be on cloud nine. I wanted to float up there too. I found a reason to walk by, late at night, frequently. Sometimes if I was feeling brave, I'd actually touch the building, just to have some sort of connection. It's sad I know."
Baby-steps are fine darling.
"One night, the last night, I was absent-mindedly stroking the back door, I wasn't paying attention. I didn't hear them. Seemingly out of nowhere they pounced.
They called me faggot, poof and worse.
They circled me, pushing, shoving me from one to another
Then they made contact. Heavily with their fists. Repeatedly."
Fresh tears flowed down Ianto's face. Jack pulled him closer and held him for all he was worth.
Ianto shrugged himself free.
"No that's not it. You don't get it. I was desperate. Sick. I welcomed it. I was leaning into their blows.
Who does that?
I was so dehydrated that their punches felt like a long cool drink. I really did think anything was better than nothing. It was madness. Certifiable.
Stay away from me Jack.
I'm not normal."
Then the rains truly came. Huge sobs wracked Ianto's diminished frame. Jack did his best to stem the flow.
After a while Ianto was spent. Shuddering like a small child, he went on.
"M mm my head and bbbody were wrrrecked. I stumbled home via the off-licence. I stayed indoors for days.
Drinking.
Crying.
Trying to come to terms with what had just happened. I'd read about people like me before. Freaks. I knew what I had to do.
I went out and brought some flammable friends. Poured them around the house and struck a deal.
My house went up like a tinderbox. With me in it.
Years of hoarding raced towards the flames. A marriage made in a match-box. Everyone was happy."
Jack released a wordless howl. He understood now why he had been unable to see these memories.
"I was ready to go. I was. I thought the world would be a better place because of it too; but Tosh raised the alarm, saved my life. That's how I ended up here, in this very room. My body and mind was painstakingly pieced back together.
I wasn't grateful, initially. I gave Dr Harper a hard time, still do."
Ianto gave his first full smile.
"When I got out, things were still tough. The prize in my collection said goodbye to me. Partly unhinged was still too unhinged for her, but I coped. Things aren't perfect now by any means…."
Ianto dipped his lashes away from Jack's.
"…but I'm beginning to feel more confident. Capable.
These words keep rolling around inside my head, telling me to have faith.
It's weird, for once I can't think of a reason to dismiss them."
-OOO-
Jack could see the toll opening up had had on Ianto. He could barely keep his eyes open. He let him drift back to sleep, pleased that it was being helpful and restorative.
The American felt as though he had just been given a guided tour, through the maze that is Ianto Jones.
He knew that he was privileged, honoured. He also knew that the time would come, when he would have to be equally courageous.
Was he prepared for that?
It was a question for another day.
Taking one last look at his charge, Jack slid quietly from his resting place. Kissing Ianto affectionately on his forehead, Jack Harkness made to leave.
Not before drenching the room in tranquillity.
-OOO-
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