Chapter 83 Regression

The next morning after a sparse breakfast, Cottle showed up and told both women that they could get dressed. He was giving them a two hour pass, and had ordered them to clear out of his sight so he could get some real work done.

Kara looked bemusedly at the curtain that still swung slightly from the doctor's exit before glancing aside at her roommate to see what she thought of their orders.

Sharon was stifling a yawn when she met Kara's eyes. The darker woman started to shrug, then winced at the ill-advised motion. "Damn shoulder. I'm going to need some help getting dressed."

After donning her own cargo pants and tanks, Kara helped Sharon into her clothes, feeling the wound in her side painfully twinge, especially when she bent over to tie Sharon's boot laces. As long as she moved cautiously, she could get around pretty well now and wondered how much longer the Doc was going to insist on keeping her in sickbay.

Of course, after last night…

Kara pushed that line of thought aside and was just finishing tying her second boot when Helo called out a greeting before pulling open their curtain. His cheerful smile pulled an involuntary one from Kara in response.

"So, Cottle says I'm to take you two off his hands for awhile," he said. "Whatcha been doing to rile up the Doc now?" He lifted inquiring eyebrows in Starbuck's direction.

"What? How come you always assume I've done something?" she asked, trying to look innocently indignant.

"Cause my wife's pure as the driven snow," he answered, adding a sanctimonious lilt to his reply. Then when Starbuck punched his arm, "Ow! See, convicted by your own hand. And I have a witness. Right, dear?"

"Don't drag me into this, Karl," Sharon answered, then laughed at the mock-wounded look he cast her way. "So, what are you going to do with us now that you've got us."

"Cottle said to take you both to the gym for an easy workout. Nothing strenuous, mostly stretching, some PT on your knee, Starbuck," he said over his shoulder as he led the pair down the lightly populated corridor.

[ I I I I I ]

They'd spent an hour in the gym before following Helo to the Admiral's quarters. He had insisted Starbuck show them the fleet contingency plans she'd been working on before the Raptor explosion. Athena, Helo and Starbuck used the second hour of their freedom from sickbay brainstorming and refining ideas until they had several additional proposals to give the XO along with the four original ones she'd never had the chance to deliver.

When Helo returned his two charges back to Life Stations, Cottle was waiting, insistent on examining their sutures to confirm for himself that they'd done no damage to his handiwork. He'd humphed in grudging confirmation that the wounds were healing nicely before tossing over his shoulder that he'd be back later to take Athena to the gym himself to go over some physical therapy exercises for her shoulder.

Sitting cross-legged on their respective beds, Starbuck and Athena bantered back and forth various ideas for improving the training regimen for would-be pilots. A few hours later, Cottle returned as threatened and ushered the reluctant Athena before him out towards the gym. Kara couldn't help but smirk as the Raptor pilot cast a doleful look back at her.

"Have fun," she called after them.

Once she was alone, Kara settled back against the pillows, pulling one of the blankets over her still-clothed form, and perused the notes she'd made. She rubbed at her eyes, surprised at how tired she felt after such a short time out of bed.

"Gods. I hate this," she muttered, frustrated at the toll being injured and laying around had taken on her endurance. From past experience, she knew that her strength would quickly return once she was up and about more, but patience was a virtue she knew she lacked, among so many others.

Kara dozed off a short time later with the book "Centurion Strategies" on her chest, the last coherent thought she had was how outdated it really was.

[ I I I I I ]

Lee stood beside Kara's bed thinking how cute she looked sleeping with her right hand curled under her chin and a lock of hair splayed over one eye. It wasn't often that cute and Kara were used together. He grinned as he pictured her reaction if he ever called her cute to her face. But the image faded as he noticed the fine lines of that marred her forehead, etched there by the pain of the past months.

Finding her asleep, even though it was only early afternoon, reminded him that it was a mere four days since Cottle had her in surgery to repair the collapsed lung. He'd been avoiding visiting again up until now, trying to mollify Dee and not wanting to examine how upsetting he found seeing Kara injured. Well, he was here now and he carefully lifted the book and papers that were scattered across her still figure, setting them in a neat stack on the side stand before turning to soak in the sight of her.

With a guilty start, he looked up as Colonel Tigh stepped through the partially open curtain. The XO came to an abrupt halt at the foot of the bed when he saw that the occupant was sleeping. Lee moved closer to the other man and asked in a low voice, "Is something wrong? Does the Admiral need me?"

Tigh shook his head and answered in as quiet a voice, "Just checking on her. Thought I'd review some the contingency plans she's been working on." He glanced aside at the empty bed, and asked, "Where's Athena…and the Doc?"

"In the gym doing some PT on her shoulder," Lee replied, then fell silent as the form under the covers stirred, a leg kicking at the confining blanket. He heard a low moan from Kara as she shifted again. As the two men watched, she became increasingly agitated, thrashing her head side to side and brushing at her body as if trying to rid herself of something.

Lee moved back to her side, reaching out a hand to lightly touch her twitching shoulder. As his fingers made contact, Kara violently twisted out from underneath his touch. Her eyes opened as she bolted off the opposite side of the bed, and she pressed her back to the wall, her unfocused gaze darting about the enclosure.

As the Colonel hurried towards Kara, her fist struck out and caught him from his blind side, jolting his head to the left and halting him in mid-step. Fingers fumbled at his belt as he brought his head back around to her.

Lee, rushing from around the bed, was several steps behind him. The terror in Kara's expression scared him. Then he saw her hit the XO and jerk the sidearm from his holster. His fear spiked to incomprehension as she pressed the muzzle to her own temple. Time slowed as he saw her finger tighten and she squeezed the trigger. His gut twisted in anticipation of the blast and he hopelessly cried out, "NO!"

Lee's heart faltered in the beat it took for him to take another stride forward. But with the next beat, he realized that the pistol hadn't fired. Then he was there, bowling Tigh aside and slamming into Kara. His momentum carried them into the wall and knocked the gun from her grip. With arms wrapped around her, he pinned her arms to her side. She didn't fight his hold, but he could feel within her the coiled tension of a storm about to break.

Then he looked into her eyes. Saw the shattered gaze that stared beyond him. Stared at horrors he couldn't discern. He felt the wave rise within her and crest as a scream that stabbed at his ears and heart. He leaned further into her, trying to provide what comfort he could as the screams continued to flood across the quiet of the nearly deserted sickbay.

Lee caught motion from his peripheral vision, and saw the Colonel pick up the dropped firearm and check it. When Tigh flicked the safety off, then back on, Lee realized that was why it hadn't discharged. The older man shoved the gun back into his holster, snapping it closed before lifting a grim gaze to meet Lee's.

[ I I I I I ]

Tigh rubbed at his bruised jaw as he took in the still screaming young woman, heard all the fear, anger and pain she'd kept locked away until it couldn't be contained any longer. She didn't pause between screams as the extremity of her emotions were rent from her subconsciousness and thrust into the light from which it had been hidden.

The Colonel felt more than heard someone approaching from behind, and twisted around, putting out restraining palms as Dr. Cottle and a female Marine rushed into the small enclosure. "No! Wait," he commanded of the pair. "She needs this," he added by way of explanation, voice raised to be heard.

With a wave of his hand, Tigh ushered the pair out, pulling the curtain closed behind them. The three moved further away and the Colonel addressed the Marine he now identified as Sergeant Mathias. He pulled her close, partly to be sure he was heard, but mostly to impress upon her the seriousness of his order, "Sergeant, you will close the hatch and stand guard outside it. If it ain't an emergency, no one enters. Understand me?" At her nod, Tigh waved her to go take her post.

Turning, Tigh saw that the taut look remained on Cottle's face. He figured his own probably mirrored the doctor's. He watched the Doc reach searching fingers into his vest pocket, and for once, came out empty. The physician gave an irritated grunt and rubbed a thumb along the bridge of his nose, then looked up when there was a break in the sound from the curtained area. Both men could hear now the longer pauses between screams until they finally stopped altogether.

Tigh found himself holding his breath, waiting to see if the distressing cries would restart. He forced an exhale as silence settled into the sickbay's space. Clearing his throat, the Colonel asked, "Should we tell the Admiral about this?"

"Don't think it's necessary. Like you said, I think she needed this release," Cottle said, giving Saul a considering look. "There's already an awkwardness that she and Bill need to overcome. She needs him. Needs him to not act as if she's broken. The more details he has, the harder it'll be for him to treat her normally."

By nodding his understanding, Tigh let the doctor know that he would also avoid discussing today with his old friend. "Guess I'd better go. Tell Apollo to stay as long as needed, I'll get someone to cover for him," Tigh said as he headed for the exit.

Stepping out the closed hatch, he found Mathias blocking an angry Athena's path. She raised questioning brows as he closed the hatch again behind him. Addressing himself to the female Marine, "Cottle has things in hand now. You can let medical cases enter, but no visitors until the doctor gives the all clear." The soldier gave him a 'Yes, Sir' and resumed her stance with a slightly less harried expression.

The Colonel next shifted his attention to the Raptor pilot, contemplating her before making a decision. "Come with me, Lieutenant." He strode off down the corridor, trusting her to follow. Pausing outside a storage closet, he waited for her to catch up, then ushered the young woman inside. Her expression only got more perplexed as he waved her to take a seat on one of the crates.

"It's Starbuck," he started, seeing her eyes widen in apprehension. "She had some kinda nightmare. Freaked out when Lee tried to wake her. Hit me, took my gun and tried to shoot herself," he said it all in a rush. Observing the concern turn to despair on Athena's face at his words, he quickly added, "She's fine. Never released the safety. Frakking scared me though," he admitted.

She covered her eyes with a hand. Hiding her gaze from his. "Thought she was doing better. Thought I was helping," he heard her mutter.

Watching Athena's reaction, Tigh was forced to re-evaluated his opinion of the Cylon woman. Sure the Admiral had vouched for her, yet a part of Saul had still harbored doubts. Yet the way she'd been helping with Kara, and her obvious distress at what had just happened, all made him think that there really was more to this woman than just the machine she'd been created.

"I'm sure you have been. Helping her that is," he said, uncomfortable trying to offer comfort.

Standing, she asked, "Now what?"

"Lee's with her. Best to give them a little longer. Why don't you find that husband of yours and go to the mess. Getting close to dinner time, what there is of it. Should be safe to return after that." She ducked her head in acknowledgment of the politely phrased order and exited the room with him following after. Saul glanced both ways down the thankfully empty corridor, relieved that no one was around to wonder why the XO and Lieutenant were coming out of a storage closet together. Allowing his strides to lengthen, the Colonel set his direction towards the flight deck, planning on finding Kat and assigning her to cover Apollo's shift.

[ I I I I I ]

As the Colonel and other two men left Lee alone with Kara, he refocused his attention on her, wondering how much longer she could keep up the intensity of her paroxysm. When he'd first felt the pressure building in her, he'd known that she was about come apart. Yet he hadn't been prepared for the tempest that had finally broke loose. The way she'd thrown her head back and roared her pain as if something inside had unleashed a fury of agony tore at him. Holding her to his chest, he prayed that she wouldn't splinter apart from the torrent pouring from her. A single tear of helplessness tracked down his face as he vicariously endured her anguish and anger.

And like a deluge, the ferocity of Kara's outpouring limited its duration. Lee could hear the difference when she started taking longer breaths between each scream. Within his grasp, her coiled tension was also easing. Then, after a particularly deep gasp, she moaned and buried her face into his shoulder. His stunned ears could still hear her labored breaths as they puffed into his uniform.

Lee spoke to her then. Whispering words of comfort and caring as he stroked her hair. When her weight started to sag against his supporting arm, he scooped her up and gently lay her on top of the bed. After toeing off his boots, he slid in beside her, pulling over them the blanket that had been kicked aside earlier. Within his arms, Kara turned and nestled her head into the crook of his neck, and an exhausted sigh brought an end to her tears.

Listening to her breathing slow until he knew she'd fallen asleep again, Lee shut his own eyes. But not to sleep. His own internal storm had yet to subside. He'd nearly lost her yet again. He remembered the moment of bitter despair as he'd watched her pull the trigger. Swallowing, he tried to bring moisture back to a mouth gone dry from fright and had to blink several times to clear eyes that had just the opposite problem.

His mind kept bringing him back to the safety on the gun. Had she known that it was still engaged? Forcing chaotic thoughts to focus, Lee realized that Kara had completed the same officer training courses that he had. In addition, she was a crack shot. If his Small Arms Instructor had drilled into him to automatically release the safety as he drew, so too had Kara's. Then what explanation was there for it being left on this time? She'd been terrified—dazed—having just woken from the nightmare.

Woken from the nightmare…

His thoughts lurched to a stop. Had she actually even been awake? Replaying the scene in his mind, her disorientation was obvious. And she'd never really focused, or shown any sign of recognition of either the Colonel or himself. In her mind, Kara had still been locked in whatever nightmare visions were tormenting her. She'd fought back, and made a choice when cornered. It made sense.

But that still left the question of the gun's safety. Lee let the question sit for a moment as he just thanked the gods that he was able to hold the living, breathing woman in his arms. Shifting his head slightly, he breathed in the scent of her hair, a smell uniquely Kara. Working with Vipers left a fragrance all its own that seemed to take weeks to fade. A mixture of Tylium fuel, grease, sweat and a tang of something else elusive that only Kara had. Maybe it was pheromones. Whatever it was, he drew her scent in and savored it's richness. The warmth of her breath against his neck stirred other thoughts as well. Memories of a cold night on New Caprica when he'd held her just like this.

Tasting memories, the ones with Kara seemed real, full of flavors and spice, while those with Dee had a blandness that reminded him of field rations—the basic need was filled, yet the desire for something more remained. Just holding Kara like this, knowing that a life with her would always have its own tang of unpredictability, brought Lee to a realization. One that he'd known deep down back on that chilly night when he'd shouted his love. There was only one woman that could provide the feast that he desired. Any other would eventually leave him feeling starved for more.

As the acceptance that his marriage was finished settled in his mind, Lee grasped an explanation for why Kara hadn't automatically disengaged the safety. If his theory that she was still in a sleepwalking state when she drew the gun was correct, then maybe a part of her had been aware enough to have purposely not released the safety. That part, the Kara that existed outside of the nightmare, wanted to live.

Kara wanted to live.

The relief nearly undid him.

Finally relaxing, Lee let himself just hold her, matching her breathing until he drifted off, too. Sometime later a slight movement stirred him awake again. Opening his eyes, he watched as Kara gradually woke beside him. As her essence infused her face, it changed her from merely attractive to beautiful. Lee relished the sight, avowing that this was how he wanted to wake each morning for the rest of his life. As if in response to his thoughts, her green eyes brightened with pleasure as they blinked open to see him just inches from her, and a shy grin lifted the corners of her full lips.

"Hey there," he softly said, shifting a hand up to cup her cheek.

But his words and touch triggered a withdrawal on her part. Her brows drew together as she flicked a glance at their clothed bodies and obviously tried to recall how they'd ended up in this position together. Confusion turned her eyes opaque and she leaned away from his palm. Lee saw the moment when the memories swept through her. The warm color in her cheeks drained away and she clamped her eyes closed as she pushed a hand at his chest, trying to put distance between them.

Well, he wasn't having any of that. "Kara, look at me," he gently commanded, trying to grasp the hand between them.

Instead, she renewed her efforts with unexpected force, sliding herself away from him enough to pull a bare foot up, she shoved hard against his body. Lee slipped off the narrow bed and landed on the floor with a dull thud and an oomph as his air gusted out in surprise. Scrambling to his feet, he saw that she was curled now into a ball with the blanket pulled completely over her.

Swallowing the hurt anger at her rejection, Lee forced himself to stop and consider his next move. Whatever he chose to do now would likely be a turning point in their relationship—for good or bad. Damn it all! I don't know enough, he thought, staring at the huddled form. He realized that he had to get more information to understand Kara and her reactions. The President may have frozen him out of the loop, but he was damned-well going to insist that his dad correct that mistake.

Leaning over her, he placed a light hand where he thought her shoulder was and gently said, "Kara, it's Ok. What happened didn't mean anything, you were just dreaming." When she didn't respond, he said, "Look, I'm going to go for now. Give you some space. But I'm coming back. And things are going to be different. You hear me, Kara Thrace, I'm coming back. I won't let you push me away this time." Moving from her side, his expression was grimly determined as he marched off.

He had people he to see.