(Originally posted 01/09/13)
-OOO-
Ianto ate his purposely healthy breakfast slowly. He swallowed with care. He was still unused to solids. Unsweetened, untasty, unhelpful muesli stubbornly clung to his tonsils. He had to use force in the form of soya milk, to help it on its way. This whole meal was taking far too long.
He was exhausted.
Placing his now empty bowl in the sink, he swirled hot water onto the stripy pattern, washing away the remnants of the nutritional sentence that he'd just carried out.
Ianto couldn't help but sigh.
Today would be his first day back at work. He felt like a lost lonely school-boy.
He was all alone.
In the last few weeks he had made progress - fitfully. He felt as though he had taken one step forwards, two steps back on a number of issues. His body had been slow to heal. His mind even more so.
Initially he had had Jack. His Jack, of that he was sure now. The stem which his vine could weave itself around. His upright rock, so to speak; but that was before. Before they had forgotten themselves and their surroundings. Before they had scared the hee-bee gee-bees out of their one ally, Sister Mary-Margaret.
Before Jack had been banned.
The official line was that Ianto's recovery now required delicate handling. He was on a precipice and any jolts, emotional or physical could do untold damage. Everyone in the room knew otherwise.
Ianto had received one last chapter and then Jack was gone.
The American didn't take his banishment well however, and the Welshman was pleased to discover that he managed to find himself on the other side of an open window, nearly every day. Their chats were brief and whispered but they were better for him than any rainbow coloured pills he had been prescribed.
All had been great, but for the last week Jack hadn't appeared. Missing in action. No forwarding address.
Ianto tried not to let it worry him. He was getting stronger everyday. He had his release date in sight.
He was loved.
He was worthy.
It was hard to believe that now though. Today he could have done with a helping hand.
Today he would have to hold his own hand.
Trapping another sigh within him, Ianto moved to his full length mirror in the hallway. He tried to admire the view. He was dressed immaculately in a dark grey three-piece suit with a deep purple shirt and charcoal grey tie. He felt he should at least look the part of a confident executive, even if all the evidence pointed to the contrary. He was pleasantly surprised that his eyes did not offend him. Taking that to be a good sign Ianto straightened up, squared his shoulders, adjusted his tie just a smidgen and left for work.
-OOO-
The walk to work was taken with the intention of clearing his head. Used to being a concise, logical and analytical thinker, Ianto was having trouble navigating his particular road to recovery. He felt as though unseen imps had taken down significant signposts on the A roads and removed those on the B roads completely. It was as if he was driving blind, on instinct alone. His only guide through this cloudy yomp over the Brecon Beacons was an obviously mis-placed siren. A voice that pierced the smog.
You matter, it intoned.
You're deserving, it insisted.
You have every right to be here. Ianto had a particular problem with that last declaration.
He had developed and cultivated a glass-half-empty persona over the years. It had served him well, but at the moment he couldn't find his work-a-day crystal. Some-one had emptied out his emotional cupboards. All the glassware had been removed. He was having to borrow happier crockery. It didn't sit well with him.
Ianto shook his head. He was having to learn to trust his instincts and they told him that normal service would be resumed…in due course. He was going to have to settle for that. For now.
-OOO-
Ianto stepped out of the lift nervously. This was it. He was back in the land of the living. He opened the stiff door to the laboratory. He didn't get the chance to close it behind him. Tosh was in his arms before he had had a chance to register that she was in the room. Everything from his breastbone down was squeezed furiously.
"Tow you're back. Thank goodness."
Temporarily winded, Ianto was not in a position to reply just yet.
"How are you? How was it? How are you feeling? When did you get out?"
Fighting to draw air into his lungs, Ianto valiantly tried to respond.
"I … well… About two days ago."
Whilst Tosh tried to fuse his fourth and fifth ribs together, Ianto was made aware of other greetings.
"Good to have back mate."
"Glad to see you're on the mend."
"Gave us quite a scare, good to see ya again."
Faceless and largely nameless colleagues welcomed the Welshman back into the fold. Ianto was grateful but also felt a little bit guilty; he really ought to socialise more.
Making his way to his work station, Ianto had the chance to quickly glance around the room.
He spotted Gwen.
Making a mental note to himself, he logged on to his pc and set about discovering what he had missed in his absence.
-O-
Lunchtime saw Tosh and Ianto heading to their closet on the tenth floor, with take-away containers in each hand. Wanting complete privacy, they had had to forego the delights of the canteen, which offered near Michelin starred cuisine, for the local Chinese restaurant. Spreading their fare on the sarong that doubled as a table-cloth, they sat cross-legged on the floor and faced each other.
"I was so worried about you Tow."
"You were worried." Ianto rolled his eyes in mock-jest.
"When I found you, in there, in Jack's office, I thought…well I thought the worst."
"I'm sorry I put you through that."
Tosh asked what had been gnawing at her brain for weeks.
"What happened Ianto? Why were you there? Especially at that time?"
Ianto didn't answer straight away. He fiddled with his chops sticks, watching a piece of Kung Po chicken slip from his bottom stick for the second time.
"I went to deliver a message to Jack."
Tosh looked confused. "Hadn't he already left for the day?"
"I didn't particularly want to do it face-to-face."
Tosh continued to look confused.
"I went bearing gifts."
"Gifts?"
Ianto dipped his head and whispered.
"I took matches."
"No Yan! Why?"
Ianto raised his head, even though this was now a past hurt, the anger still burned a hole in his freshly-squeezed chest.
"I thought he didn't care. I thought I was nothing but a play-thing to him. I saw him, with others. Mr Williams. Gwen. I just saw red."
"Oh honey," Tosh reached out quickly to cup Ianto's cheek, knocking over her Jasmine tea in the process. A single tear escaped from Ianto's eye. He sniffled.
"It's okay now. I was wrong and I have proof." Tosh smiled at this news. Her belief in the good-ship Jack Harkness had been shaken and she would hate to think that she had encouraged her friend, to entrust his heart in man who was not true.
"When I was in Providence Park, he came to visit everyday - almost."
"That's brilliant."
"It was. He would just lie with me. Talk with me. Read to me. Once I caught him just watching me sleep. I felt cherished. Secure."
Toshiko's smile couldn't have been brighter.
"I had time to think while I was there. I decided to take your advice and tell him, you know, everything."
Tosh raised her eyebrows. "Everything everything?"
"Absolutely every last thing."
"Wow, that's huge Tow. How did he take it?"
"Well. Very well in fact. He was quiet for a long while; but that's only to be expected, it's a lot to take in all at once."
"You told him all at once?"
"Yes - just thought I'd rip the plaster off in one go."
Tosh leant forwards to duck underneath Ianto's downcast lashes. "How do you feel now you've done it hun?"
Ianto had hoped she wouldn't ask that. It was the one question that popped into his inbox of a brain on an hourly basis, which he felt the need to delete without opening.
"Initially I felt great, euphoric even; but now…"
"Now?"
"Now I think I've blown it. I haven't seen him in days. It was too much for him to handle I suppose." Ianto took a deep breath in an attempt to steady his voice. "The thing is, I can't take it back. I can't pretend that losing out on becoming Lego Champion in 1999, is the biggest hardship I've had to bear."
Ianto was openly crying now. "You can be too honest it seems."
Tosh moved in for a hug. "I'm sure that's not the case. He's probably taking a time-out to mull things over properly. Or he might have a lot on his plate right now. We don't really know that much about him outside of work do we?"
Ianto pulled back slightly.
"Are you trying to tell me something?" Worry began to etch itself on his wet features. "Have you seen him recently? Has he said something? Tell me."
"No of course not hun. I haven't seen him for him to say anything." Tosh lied for the very first time to her upset friend. "I just mean that it takes time to get to know someone fully. To know all their mood swings, triggers and reactions. Give it time hun. Both you and he need time, that's all."
Ianto sank back into his best friend's embrace. Tosh always saw things clearly. Always got to the heart of the matter, without fuss. He didn't know what he would do without her.
-OOO-
The plan of action after lunch was for Ianto to apply his shoulder to the wheel. The plan was only partially working. It would seem that while he had been away, Gwen Cooper had familiarised herself with his workload.
Not that he minded.
Not really.
What irked him just a little, tiny, wincey bit was the easy friendship that appeared to have sprung up between her and his best friend. They laughed easily in each other's company. Had already established their own in-jokes and their working methods were complimentary.
Ianto was trying hard not to feel side-lined.
He was trying very hard.
Mid-afternoon, Ianto found a way to put a stop to his school-boy sulks.
"Would you like a cup of coffee Gwen?" Ianto had managed to ask with a genuine hint of friendship in his voice. Gwen to be fair looked surprised and then pleased at this sudden outbreak of pleasantness from her largely absent colleague.
"You're in for a treat Gwen." Tosh interjected "Ianto makes the best cup of coffee in Cardiff."
"Cardiff?" Ianto quirked an eyebrow at his pint-sized pal.
"Wales then."
"Britain."
"The World." They both chorused. The pair fell about laughing. It was good to be back.
"I'd love one too, but I've got an important phone call to make. I'll see you both later." With that Tosh skipped from the room.
Ianto didn't miss the flash of fear which graced Gwen's face, once bitten and all that.
"How do you take yours?" The barista asked.
"White with two sugars, there's no such thing as sweet enough," came the measured reply.
"Coming right up." Ianto left determined to do his best work.
Within minutes he had returned. Placing the hot beverages down on the bench Ianto also produced two Kit-kats. He offered one to Gwen. She looked sceptical. Ianto nudged the chocolate bar closer to her.
"Go on. I'm taking a break from myself."
This brought a smile to Gwen's lips. She accepted his peace treaty.
"I owe you an apology…"
"There's no need."
"There's every need Gwen. I was rude and destructive last time we met. I'd like you to know that it had nothing to do with you."
"Thank you Ianto, that's nice to hear." Gwen took a sip of her drink. "Blimey thank you Ianto, this is amazing."
Ianto chuckled to himself, pleased that his coffee making skills had worked their charms - yet again.
Gwen drank again.
"Lordy McLord you are going to have to give me this recipe, this is knock-out."
"I could tell you; but then I'd have to kill you."
Gwen quickly checked Ianto's facial expression. He was joking right?
He was.
Relieved Gwen relaxed her shoulders and shared her first genuine smile with her work-mate. She took this opportunity to look him over. He wasn't bad-looking in a geek-chic sort of way, dapper too.
She smiled again.
-OOO-
Ianto took a detour on his way to replacing his coffee mugs. He went via the basement. Via Jack's office.
The door was open.
The room was barren.
Ianto tried hard not to pay too much attention, to the spike of disappointment which shot through him.
The room was the same comforting mess he remembered from his last visit.
Ianto couldn't shake the impression that the room was happier.
Happy to see him.
He felt a warm swaddling vibe. It was hard to explain.
Thinking that he had had one cup of coffee too many. Thinking that he must be on a caffeine high, Ianto did something he had never done before. He spoke to the walls.
"Hi I'm Ianto, Ianto Jones. I was looking for Jack, but it seems that I've missed him - today. To be honest I miss him everyday. He's a missable kind of guy. We've become friends you see, well more than that actually. We like each other a lot I think. Well we did before I messed things up. I know what you're thinking, Ianto Jones messing things up - what a shocker, but it's true. I said some things. It doesn't matter what they were. I just said them out loud and take it from me; it was mouthful that would choke lesser men than Jack. I unravelled myself completely and now I've been left bare and bleeding and I don't know what to do. I thought he would be strong enough to take it. I thought I'd be strong enough to cope with the consequences.
I thought wrong.
I'm not blaming him. I blame myself. I was too soft or weak whichever way you want to look at it.
I should have known better.
I should have paced myself, taken my time but I didn't. The thing is I need him to know this, I would take it all back in a heartbeat. Unsay the words. Forget the memories, if that is what it takes for Jack to come back to me. He would never know again, if he was to return.
I've buried it once. I could bury it again, for him.
However if that's too much to ask, if he could never cope, then I want to wish him all the best for the future. I hope that he has a long and happy life without me.
I could bear that - as long as he was happy.
I could live.
I think."
Ianto felt a little bit flushed. This was more than he had planned to say, even to Jack. He knew it was the truth, but once again was it too much?
Reaching beyond himself, he patted the nearest wall, much like you would a pet.
"Thanks for listening."
Ianto left the room, shutting the door behind him.
-OOO-
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