Chapter 86 Zeus & Apollo

Looking around the Admiral's quarters, Lee saw that the blankets Kara had been using were set aside but still available. As he took the chair across from where the Admiral sat at his desk, he noticed his father's rounded shoulders and general air of fatigue. He nearly told his dad that maybe they should talk the next day, but firmed his resolve instead. He'd already waited patiently, and he was fed up with being on the outside. Now was the time for answers, not some more convenient point in the future. Especially when tomorrow was as likely to bring it's own trials. So, he leaned forward on the edge of his seat, letting his father see his intent not to be denied this time.

The Admiral straightened his own posture in recognition of Lee's determination and spoke, "What did you need to talk about, Major?" The older Adama folded his large hands in front of him on the neat desk.

"It's about Kara…Dad," Lee answered, stressing the personal nature of the discussion he'd come to have with his father, and not his Admiral.

"Has something happened," concern thickened the already course voice as the older Adama leaned forward.

"Sort of." Lee ran a hand through his hair before continuing, "She had some kind of extreme nightmare this afternoon. It was pretty scary, seeing her like that and not knowing what to do. It's time to tell me what happened on New Caprica." He paused briefly and swallowed, "What they did to her. I know she's been speaking to the President, and…and I need to know." Lee forced out in a rush, his voice insistent with his refusal to be denied again. He saw the corners of his father's mouth tighten as he sat back in his own chair, considering Lee's demand.

"I don't see that you need to know the details of Kara's imprisonment," the Admiral finally said, his tone repressive even as his eyes were shadowed with pained knowledge.

"Not only am I the CAG and Starbuck's my pilot, but I'm her friend and-and…" Lee stumbled over how to define the driving necessity of his claim. Taking a deep breath, he made the proclamation he'd been holding back for years, "I love her, Dad. And I have to help her. I was with her today and, because I've been left out, I couldn't help her when she needed me. Didn't know what to say, how to react. That can't happen again."

His father silently stared at him for a full minute before neutrally asking, "What about Dee?"

"Dee and I are done. She's moving back to the officers' quarters today." Lee saw his father's brows lift in surprise.

"I thought the two of you were good together. You certainly seemed a good team on the Pegasus."

With a shake of his head, Lee said, "No, Dad, we were adequate. With no Cylons and no challenges, it was easy to fake our way through that year. Didn't you ever wonder why I put on so much weight? Let myself go like that?" He saw the blue eyes flicker away in embarrassment at the reminder. "I was trying to fill a void. And I just didn't care anymore," he admitted, recalling the effort it had taken to get up each morning, knowing it another day that he wouldn't be seeing the teasing smirk daring him into some new exploit or emotion. He dropped his eyes, shame coloring his pale complexion. "I never should have married Dee. I didn't—don't—love her. She's great, and I care for her, never meant to hurt her the way I have. But…what I feel for her isn't love, it's comfort. We're comfortable together."

"And that's not good enough?" his father asked, tilting his head slightly as he scrutinized his son before adding, "She compliments you, Lee. And she certainly loves you."

"You're wrong, Dad," Lee said with another shake of the head. "We're too much alike. There's no challenge with her, no push to do better, be better…be more." Rubbing at his neck, he tried to find words to explain further, "I need that, otherwise I just go through the motions."

Rising to pace the small study area, Lee did several passes before finally turning back to face his father's searching gaze. "I love Kara. It's always been her since the first time I met her at Zak's. She's the only one that makes me feel like I'm flying just with a look." He flung himself back in the chair. "Gods, I was so jealous of Zak…of my own brother." Clutching the armrests, "Then he died… I couldn't face her knowing how much she loved him, and wishing it were me instead." He raised lost eyes to his father. "So I stayed away. Shoved how I felt aside and pretended it didn't mean anything." Lee's voice dropped even lower as he struggled to push out the rest, "Then the world ended, and I kept thanking the gods that Kara was still alive. Millions dead... Mom…so many of my friends just gone, and here I was, ridiculously happy that Kara had survived."

His father sat back, steepling his fingers as he regarded Lee through slitted eyes before speaking, "Always knew there was something between you two. Yet…" he trailed off with a shake of the head, possibly trying to deny what had been in front of him for years now. "How does she feel about you?"

"She loves me," he replied, then hesitated, "or did at one time." A slightly sick laugh gusted from him as he remembered the ecstasy of the night they'd shared on New Caprica, followed by the devastation of the morning after. "We haven't really talked about us since she came back aboard Galactica."

Lee saw the confusion in the craggy face as his father regarded him then asked, "What about Anders…and Dee?"

Dropping his gaze to the finger still encircled by his wedding band, Lee slowly twisted it off. Clutching the hard reminder of his bitter despair, he felt it bite into his palm from the pressure. With a jerk of his head, he looked across at his father.

"My timing with Kara was always off. First Zak. Then she took off to Caprica and met Anders." He mentally flinched at how poorly he'd handle the months that followed, letting her push him away when she was reeling from the attacks by the Cylon Raider they'd named Scar. He'd seen how much she was hurting, how confused and screwed up she was, yet had let her slip away from him.

Unconsciously reaching a hand to touch the spot on his chest, he continued, "Then she shot me. I knew she'd blame herself. It was an accident and I was going to tell her that, but she never came to visit me in sickbay. Not once," he bitterly said, the emotional hurt more painful then the physical wound ever had been.

"But she did," his father said with a nod. "She was there every night you spent in sickbay."

"If she told you that, she was lying," Lee bit out.

"No, I saw her," the Admiral insisted, looking away as he recalled the strained nights so long ago. "It was always late. I'm not sure she slept much that week either cause she looked nearly as bad as you. She'd stand just outside your curtain and watch you. I think she was afraid to go in." The senior Adama scrubbed at his face. "I should have said something to her. Should have told her it wasn't her fault, yet a part of me blamed her. While seeing you in that hospital bed, I was afraid if I said anything that I'd only make her feel worse."

Lee took a minute to digest his father's revelation, and an ache inside that he'd held onto for so long finally released.

She had come. She'd been there, but felt too frakking guilty to face me.

He blinked away moisture and faced his father across the desk. "Like I said, my timing's always sucked with her, but then there was the Founder's Day celebration on New Caprica, and I finally got up the courage to tell her I loved her. She said she loved me. We shouted it into the night," a boyish grin lighted across Lee's face only to be smeared away as he continued, "The next morning she married Anders. I couldn't understand how she could do that. Say she loved me then turn around and marry someone else. After I found out… Ten minutes later I was proposing to Dee."

Lee slouched back in his chair, putting his hands over his face as he relived a shock more devastating than any physical blow he'd ever received. He felt a hand grip his shoulder and looked up into his father's sorrowful face.

"I'm sorry, son. Sorry the two of you have been through so much." Adama gave a squeeze before lifting his hand away. "Starbuck's never lacked for courage. Guess I just never understood that behind the Viper Jock facade, Kara was so filled with fear." He gave a gruff laugh that didn't reach the lined eyes as he moved to his liquor cabinet and snagged two glasses. Pouring a hefty dose of amber liquid into each, he kept his back to his son as he added, "I remember once on Caprica bailing her out of the base brig after a shore leave. I asked her why she got in fights. She told me that anger makes you strong while fear makes you weak," he said, voice breaking slightly.

Adama turned and handed Lee one of the tumblers before taking a deep swallow from his own. Then said, "Kara must have spent most of her life scared. It explains the anger she's always wrapped herself in."

Lee stared down into his glass as he rocked it in his hand, watching the way the motion sent the contents cresting up one side then sloshing back the other way. Taking a sip, he let it trickle down his constricted throat as he considered his dad's words. He coughed once, then spoke, "She wasn't like that with Zak. She was open and caring."

"Maybe," his dad agreed, then drew Lee's eyes as he continued, "But what did Kara learn from her experience with Zak? Perhaps that if you love someone they'll die. Add that to the guilt she felt for her part in his death, and her fear must have been nearly unbearable when faced with falling in love again."

Lee contemplated what his dad had said, seeing the times Kara had pushed him away in a new light. Recognizing now how she'd clung to Sam's memory, a man she'd only known for a few days, to put emotional distance between her and Lee. She'd all but shoved Dee at him. Then her outrageous euphoria when she'd rescued Anders from Caprica, and finally, her rush into a marriage she hadn't even been considering until she'd been faced with the reality of the love between Lee and her.

"Kara's mother…" his father broke off and Lee could see the twitch in the aged face as his dad ground his teeth before clearing his throat. "Kara learned from her mother that those that are suppose to love her would hurt her instead. And I know her father left when she was young, additional evidence that she couldn't trust those she became emotionally attached to. After trusting one more time, Zak's death must have seemed like the final proof." He tossed back the rest of his drink and his voice deepened with contempt, "Hell, even I did the same thing to her. Lee, the wonder isn't that Kara is afraid of love, it's that she can love at all."

"She loves me, Dad. I know it. Now tell me what I need to know to help her."

Bill Adama looked at his son…and began to talk.