Chapter 91 Articulation

"How'd you sleep?" the Admiral nonchalantly asked, looking up from the plate of toast and some type of pseudo-sausage patty. Kara lifted her head, startled from her thoughts by the question.

"Uh, fine, Sir," she automatically answered, and watched his brows lift. She gave a mental sigh and amended, "I mean, I only woke once, so that's good."

"Nightmare?" he gently prompted.

"Yeah, guess so."

She dropped her eyes to the plate before her and, placing the breakfast patty on top the toast, made a small sandwich of it. Glancing back at Adama, she saw that he was still regarding her with that steady gaze. Kara worried her lip, knowing that he was waiting for more. It still just felt so unnatural sharing things with him—with anyone.

Reluctantly, she forced the words out, "It was better, ok. I don't really remember what I dreamed this time. Not like the others." Stiffening as a thought occurred to her, "I didn't…I didn't wake you, did I?" she anxiously asked.

"No. Didn't hear a thing." As she gave him a sharp look, trying to tell if he was leveling with her, he added, "Just wanted to know how you're getting along without the Doc's pills."

Kara shrugged and used the excuse of taking a large bite to forestall further conversation. As the Admiral cut his own patty into bite-sized pieces, she let her thoughts return to their prior worn track. After leaving the daycare last night, she'd turned in early, still finding her energy reserves quickly depleted from her spell in sickbay. Yet, despite feeling exhausted, she'd found sleep elusive. Her frakkin' uncooperative head had insisted on replaying all the moments she and Lee had had since her return from New Caprica.

His cold contempt she'd expected, yet it had still been hard to accept that he hated her so much. The complete one-eighty he'd pulled since her freak-out was another matter. The very last thing she wanted from Lee Adama was his pity.

The toast seemed to stick in her throat and Kara lifted her mug, taking a swig of what passed for coffee. At least it was hot, and the weak brew washed down the dry bite of food.

"Lee told me that he's getting a divorce."

At the Admiral's blandly spoken words, Kara's hand jerked and the cup's contents sloshed over the rim.

"Frak!" she said, hurried setting aside the steaming mug and grabbing a napkin to wipe at the rivulets that ran down her chin and tank top. As the Admiral handed her a second napkin, Kara flitted a look at him, trying to read how he felt about the news. His expression didn't give her any clues and she lowered her eyes, wiping the few drops that had splatter onto the tabletop.

"Sorry," she said, not sure herself which mess she was apologizing for.

"Sometimes these things happen," his response was as vague, and she dared another sidelong look. This time his gaze was blatantly appraising, and he seemed to come to a decision, giving a small nod, and then said, "Always known that you two have feelings for each other. I just didn't think it went beyond being family, what with Zak and everything." As she flinched and averted her face, he reached across the table and took her hand, his grasp firm and warm. "Kara, look at me." She reluctantly returned his gaze. "Zak would've wanted you and Lee to be happy, and if that meant with each other, he would've been fine with that." Giving her hand a gentle squeeze. "Just as I am."

Kara's eyes widened and she took a quick breath. Did he mean it? She searched his gaze and saw only acceptance in their blue depths. A small cord of fear uncoiled and release its hold on her chest. He gave her hand an awkward pat and returned to his breakfast and Kara retrieved her mug and took a hefty swallow of the cooling liquid.

[ I I I I I ]

Hesitating at the partially closed hatch to the CAG's office, Kara wondered what the Old Man was getting at, assigning her to help Lee until she was medically cleared to return to light maintenance duty. Before this morning's conversation, she would've thought he was just making a practical suggestion. But his order had come right on the heels of his revelation about Lee. Now she suspected that he had an ulterior motive, though she wasn't sure what he thought to gain by pushing them together. With it being less than three months since Sam's death, she certainly wasn't ready to take up with Lee. Even assuming he wants me, she mentally added.

Kara purposely slipped into the protective cloak of Starbuck and shoved through the hatch without bothering to knock. Starbuck doesn't knock—except heads, that is.

She saw Lee look up at her entrance, and her stride hitched for just a moment at the way his face lit on seeing her. Masking her own automatic response, Kara quickly changed her smile to a smirk and slouched down in the second chair by his desk. She started to put her legs up on the edge, but winced at the pull of the stitches and aborted the move. Lee obviously caught her reaction for he straightened in his own chair.

"You Ok?" he asked, concern darkening both his tone and expression.

"Fine. Just the side," she replied. Then, under his silent scrutiny, "Look, according to the Doc, I'm healing 'as good as can be expected with all my shenanigans', so only thing wrong with me now is my screwed-up head."

Seeing his gaze sharpen with disapproval, "What, Lee?" she demanded, wondering what she'd said now to piss him off.

"I wish you wouldn't do that."

"Do what? Cause I know I'm slow sometimes, but I don't have a freaking clue what you're talking about," she said, rising irritation lacing her voice.

"That's what I'm talking about." At her perplexed look, "You denigrate yourself, like you've got to beat everyone else to it. I know it's probably because of your mom," as her face twitched then hardened, Lee quickly continued, "but she was wrong. And you've got to stop listening to her voice in your head."

Kara clenched her jaw and shifted upright in her seat.

Where the hell did Lee frakkin' Adama get off? Like he hasn't said the same and worse to me how many times in the past?

With an effort she kept her mouth closed, letting her glare speak for her.

"Look, I know you don't want to talk about your mother. Fine, we won't." She opened her mouth, but clamped her jaw closed with a click of teeth as Lee went on, "Kara, you've got to learn to let it go. The things your mom said, and taught you. They're not who you are."

"You done, Lee?" she asked, a sneer lifting one corner of her mouth. "Because you don't know shit about my mother. So, you ought to just keep your little psyche 101 platitudes to yourself."

"You're right. I don't want to fight, and," he stood, leaning on the desk now. "I don't know about your mom. You won't tell me anything—never have. But I know you, Kara Thrace, and you're not the screw-up and lost cause you like to believe. With so many people that care for you, why can't you accept that there must be a reason. That maybe—just maybe—you're worth the effort?"

As she kept her stony stare locked on Lee, she heard his sigh and watched as he looked down and then scrubbed at his face. As his fatigue registered, Kara's frown became one of concern. A glance at the desk with its neat stacks—far too many stacks—of papers, reports and binders made it clear that he was buried under all his responsibilities. She'd forgotten how much paperwork the CAG's job entailed. And with his having been down on the planet looking for the Eye of Jupiter, it appeared that the stacks had bred like bunnies on his desk.

As the image that thought engendered flickered across her mind, Kara felt a flush rise along her throat and she was surprised at the stirring of arousal. What, with Leoben and everything, she hadn't been sure that she even wanted to be interested in sex again. It was one more thing she'd pushed aside and refused to deal with. Now, her physical response was both reassuring and an unwanted reminder that she hadn't confronted those demons yet.

And she sure as hell wasn't going to do it today in Lee's office!

Kara gave a shake of her head to dispel the thoughts and saw that Lee had noticed the change in her demeanor. She tensed as he rose and moved around the desk to squat beside her chair. He started to settle a hand on hers, then aborted the motion, placing it on the armrest instead. Kara's gaze lingered on the strong fingers so close to her own. Seemingly of its own volition, her hand moved the few inches to lay atop his. The warmth beneath her palm was both comfortingly familiar and intimately disturbing.

It was so little…yet too much.

She pulled away, clasping her hands together in her lap and averting her eyes from the hurt look that flickered within his.

"Kara."

"Yeah?" She tensed, expecting him to be angry at her withdrawal.

"There's no hurry. I can wait until you're ready," he quietly stated.

That did it. She was out of her chair in an instant and gave him a vicious shove, sending him sprawling onto his back.

"Shut up! Don't say that! Don't you DARE sound like him," she shouted, stabbing a finger at Lee as she hovered over his surprised form. Kara saw understanding replace his confused look and she stepped back a pace as sympathy suffused his face. Her own turned a darker red.

"Kara, I'm not Leoben. I won't hur—" he began.

"Don't. Just don't," she interrupted, and then turned away.

Lords, he knew. They'd told him about Leoben, about what…

She broke off, clenching her fists and jaw, her stomach roiling with fury and nausea.

Lee... Leoben... Hands roaming her body. She shuddered as she tried to shove the images back down, to keep herself grounded in the present.

Then he was behind her. Kara could hear his shallow breathing and practically feel the heat from his body. His presence was pressing against her without even touching.

She abruptly whirled around and attacked, slamming both palms into his chest, driving him back a couple of steps, but following closely. Kara didn't swing or strike straight out; instead, she moved in and hammered at his chest with the bottoms of her fists, pounding at him as she would a door barring her escape. Through the wild mix of emotions that drove her, she felt strong arms wrap around and pull her in close, trapping her fists between their bodies.

"It's your fault!" she was raging at him now, "You left, but you came back for me. You were there. But you left me again. And it was him. Just like Baltar. You left and he…he…" she broke off, choking on the bile that clogged her throat.

Even as her body shook, she felt the quiver in Lee's arms about her. His harsh breathing matched her own as it buffeted her bangs. Kara was afraid to close her eyes, afraid that when she opened them it wouldn't be Lee that held her, Lee that was looking at her with such worry that it was siphoning the worst of the hurt and anger away.

Kara managed to slip her arm upwards towards his face. She lightly touched his cheek, feeling the freshly shaved smoothness and tension of his jaw beneath her palm. With one finger, she traced the contour of a dark eyebrow, the right one Lee always arched when questioning something. Moving onto the straight line of his nose and finally to his lips, she let her finger rest there as she stared.

This was Lee.

This was Lee, and not some hallucination. And Lee was letting her touch him, not recoiling in disgust or anger. Could he really have forgiven her for New Caprica? For that morning and her actions during the Occupation? Searching the blue of his eyes, Kara found a swirl of emotion, but no condemnation, and she finally relaxed into his hold, arm sliding around his neck as she let her head fall forward to rest against his shoulder.

"Don't you understand?" she said, just loud enough for him to hear. "I thought it was you. That you'd come back for me." She grimaced, trying to make sense of the conflicting memories. "Gods, Lee. I don't know. It's so confused. You were there... Released me... Took the cuff off and-and I just wanted you to hold me."

"Kara, I… I'm sorry," was all he managed and she felt his arms loosen and one hand begin slow circles on her back.

She pressed her face into the nap of his neck and inhaled. This was Lee. How could she have not been able to tell the difference? Kara kept her head bent into the hollow of his collarbone, unwilling to meet his eyes as she forced herself to continue, "But it wasn't you. It was Leoben. I looked up—when he had finished—and it was him. I'd let him touch me. Let him frak me."

Lee was silent so long that Kara felt the fear and rejection blooming within her again. She started to withdrawal, but the arms that held her tightened and she felt a small shudder move through his body.

"No. You didn't know what you were doing," Lee said, and she heard the strain in his voice. "Gods, Kara. You'd been locked away for months, they'd tortured you, and then Anders…" She felt his convulsive swallowing against where her cheek lay along his neck, heard him take a deep breath before continuing. "They messed with your mind. It wasn't your fault."

Lee's words upheld what she'd seen in his eyes. Maybe she could believe it was true. That he didn't blame her. Taking a breath, Kara forced herself to continue. It felt important to get it all out now, while she had the courage.

"Everything after… Well, it's all just flashes." She swallowed as she sorted through images that flipped before her like a blurry slide show. "Laura… Laura said I went catatonic. I don't know, Lee. But I came to later…days?—a week?—but right back in the same frakkin' apartment with him telling me that we were together finally, that'd I'd willing given myself to him. Only I couldn't remember it, any of it. I believed him though. I didn't remember, yet I knew it was true."

Lee shifted her so they were face to face again, forcing her to meet his gaze.

"It wasn't true," he contradicted. "You said it yourself, you thought it was me. Kara, you never gave into that monster." He gave her shoulders an admonishing shake. "What happened wasn't your fault. You got it?"

"There's more, Lee," she said, and felt him tense again. "Knowing—" at his frown, she corrected herself, "thinking of what I'd done, and that I wasn't ever going to get out of that damned place, I decided. They hadn't left me many choices anymore, but there was one."

Kara pulled free from his embrace and lifted her wrist to show him the barely discernible jagged scar. She heard Lee's sharp inhale as he grasped what she had done…tried to do.

"Only he took that choice away, too." Kara rubbed at the scar, remembering the empty desolation of that moment. She kept her head bent and continued, "I was too stupid the first time to do it while he was gone, and he stopped me. But I'd decided. Only before I could, he brought Kacey."

"Kacey? The little girl from yesterday?" Lee asked, and she heard the confusion in his voice. As he tried to work through it, he said "The Chief… He said you'd gone back for a child, that you'd said it was your daughter. What…"

With arms wrapped about herself as the loss hit again, Kara stared over Lee's shoulder. "Leoben showed up with Kacey the day after I tried…" she shrugged, unwilling to actually say the words. At Lee's nod, she went on, "He said she was mine—ours—that she'd come from the ovary they'd taken from me on Caprica. Didn't believe him. Not at first. But then she got hurt and there was this…connection." She turned away as the guilt and fear over Kacey's accident surfaced again.

"Don't, Kara." Lee had his hands on her shoulders and gentle pulled her around. "Tell me," his firm voice and intent gaze broke the frozen words loose.

"I thought she was mine, Lee. Thought I had a daughter." A smile tipped her lips up. "For a few weeks I was someone's mother, and I didn't screw it up. Kacey was… Gods, Lee, she became my world. And it didn't seem to matter anymore that I was locked in a room with that psycho Cylon, because I had Kacey." She lifted her eyes to his and saw only a struggle to understand her. Reassured, she pulled forth the courage to go on. "They were going to take her away. Take her if I didn't do what they wanted... I would've done it, Lee, whatever they demanded. I couldn't lose her."

She felt the hands on her shoulders tighten as the meaning of her words sunk in. Holding her breath, Kara searched for the condemnation she knew she deserved. Lee gave a shake of his head, but she couldn't tell what he was thinking. Then he took a breath and told her.

"Kara, you were only doing what any mother—any good mother—would do. Protecting your daughter at all costs."

"But she wasn't, wasn't mine," she faltered, but then pushed on. "It was all just a frakkin' lie Leoben told to keep me docile. And it worked." She ground her teeth in shame at how gullible she'd been.

"Kara Thrace, docile, somehow I don't think so." She heard the strain in his words even though they'd been meant to be lightly teasing.

"Well, you're wrong, cause after Kacey came, I stopped fighting, stopped trying to kill him." When she felt Lee stiffen, she quickly added, "No. I didn't…we didn't…" She searched for the words to explain. "Look, he didn't push it and I didn't offer, Ok?" But then, as his hands softened their grip, Kara realized that what she'd said wasn't quite true.

Wetting her lips, she corrected herself. "Except for once... It was during the rescue. I'd gone back for Kacey and Leoben had her. Wouldn't let me take her unless I told him that I loved him and…and kissed him. So I did. Then I slid a knife between his ribs and took Kacey back to Galactica."

Kara faltered again as the memory of Kacey eagerly reaching for her real mother stoked the pain in her chest. She gave a small cough, and it was enough to loosen her throat to release the last bitter truth.

"Only, she wasn't mine. Never was."

Kara bit her lip, trying to keep it from quivering as she fought the tears. She didn't resist as Lee tugged her into his chest and stroked her back again. With an exhale, she released the tears, letting them soak into the rough tanktop pressed against her face. Her grief was quiet this time. Silent streaks of moisture absorbed by the one that held her. Kara wasn't sure how long they remained clasped together, but eventually the tears stopped and she just rested against Lee, letting his warmth comfort her.

Finally, with a long sniff, Kara stepped back out of his gentle embrace and looked at Lee.

"You, Kara Thrace, are a mess," he lightly said, a grin teasing his mouth as he reached forward to tuck a stray lock behind her ear.

"Hey," she protested. "I thought you weren't suppose to do that any more."

"Do what?" His expression was perplexed as he regarded her.

"Call me names," she said, and saw him catch her reference to their earlier conversation about denigrating herself.

"Ummm. Guess that's going to take some getting use to. For me, too." He tweaked her nose. "Besides, I was talking about your face, not your head, Starbuck."

With a half-hearted swipe at his hand, "And what's wrong with my face, Apollo?"

"Not a damned thing. Though I'm glad you don't go in for mascara." He gave a short laugh, and Kara snorted at the mental image of what a true mess she'd be with black smears running from her eyes. As their gazes met, both started to chuckle and then laugh in earnest.

With her hand to her aching ribs, Kara finally straightened and sobered.

"Thanks, Lee," she said. And, despite the stitch in her side, Kara felt as if a suffocating band had been removed from around her chest.

"That's what a wingman's for. You know I've got your back."

"Yeah, I know. I just didn't think—" She broke off at his smirk. "What," she demanded.

"It's going to be damned hard to let openings like that go," he explained.

"Ok. You call bullshit on me and I'll do the same for you, Apollo," she suggested, the cocky Starbuck chutzpah slipping into place now without feeling like the fake mask of the past months.

"In that case, I'm going to be mighty busy." He quickly held up a hand as she started to smugly protest. "No way. That's an honest statement. You can't call me on that. You know you shovel it deep."

"Maybe…" she conceded. "So, how do we decide then, Mister CAG?"

"Establish some rules," he paused at her snort, raising an eyebrow. "Like I was saying, figure what's so-so and what's a no-go."

"So-so? No-go? What are you, like ten, Apollo?" she said, giving him a light punch to the shoulder.

"Hey, I'm not the one throwing punches, Starbuck."

"You so had it coming."

Lee just smiled and tilted his head slightly. It had been so long since they'd had this easy banter between them. And his smile. Lords, how she's missed his boyish grin. As something that she hardly recognized as happiness warmed her cheeks, Kara quickly tamped down on the unnatural feeling. She was suppose to be mourning Sam, not going all school girl giddy because Lee Adama smiled at her. Seeking to find some balance, she wiped at her damp cheeks and remembered why she'd come to the CAG's office in the first place.

"The Admiral assigned me to help you until Cottle clears me." Giving a wave towards the stacked papers on his desk, "Though from the looks of things, I could pull a few stitches just hefting some of those piles. Been slacking again, Major?"

"Calling your direct superior a slacker will only assure that your pile is twice as thick, Captain," he said, seeming to accept her switch back to a professional basis. "How about you start weeding through this new list of applicants Gaeta sent down. There has to be a few nuggets in a slush pile this thick. Find them for me."

"Sir, yes, Sir," Kara snapped out a mocking salute, then bent to pick up the chair she'd knocked over earlier and positioned it so she only had to glance up to see Lee across from her. With a little care for her sore side, she settled in and began to thumb through the stack.

Every once in awhile she'd peek up at Lee, just to reassure herself that the both of them were really here, working together again. She knew that though Starbuck and Apollo might be back, Kara and Lee were still an unsettled topic. Having his friendship again was more than she had thought possible and, with all her scrambled feelings about Sam, she wasn't ready to face anything deeper with Lee at this time.

So, with the end of the pen lightly tapping her lips, Kara dug into the profiles of prospective pilots and unconsciously hummed to herself. She didn't notice the looks Lee gave her as he took his own quick glances her way. If she had, it would've left her with little doubt that, though he hadn't said it, Lee Adama stilled loved Kara Thrace.