Chapter 94 TKO

To Kara, the recycled air of the gym suddenly seemed insufficient to fill her lungs.

It has only been two days since her first CAP and she couldn't help thinking that Cottle would have a conniption fit if he knew she was doing this. Of course, he'd cleared her for flying, so she could reasonable argue that meant she was fine for any physical activity, including sparring.

But that wasn't why she hesitated.

This is a frakkin' bad idea, she thought. Especially after how she'd reacted the last time she'd donned boxing mitts that evening with Karl and Laura.

"Lee…" she began, but trailed off, staring down at the gloves, a memory of revulsion making her want to fling them aside. She sensed him watching her, and wondered if he knew why she was so reluctant. As she turned anxious eyes to his, Lee moved closer.

"Kara?" he gently asked.

"Ok… I can do this…" she muttered, more to herself than him. She removed her sweatjacket and tossed it aside, then toed off her running shoes. As she turned to him, holding out the gloves, she said, "Help me with these. But…use a slip knot. I…I need to be able to get them off this time."

She felt his concern in the way he searched her face before nodding an acceptance, and she was grateful when he didn't demand an explanation. Instead, he held the gloves so she could push her hands in each and then, with great care, tied each so it could be easily undone.

Watching Lee strap on his own gloves and step onto the mat, Kara again hesitated, knowing the violence that so quickly came to her since New Caprica. She knew she was finally getting control of her anger, but she was also tired of hurting those she cared about. Did she really want to throwdown with Lee? Would she be able to control herself—stop once she started? Somehow she knew that if they faced each other like this, it was going to go beyond a simple sparring match. They'd cleared a few hurdles together, yet there was still a lot of ground they hadn't covered.

"Lee, I don't know… This doesn't seem such a bright idea," she hedged.

It seemed that she and Lee might finally be getting on the same page, for he appeared to understand her fear when he said, "Hey, you know I trust you with my life. Maybe not my good looks, but always with my life." He held her eyes locked to his own azure ones, letting her see that he had no reservations in this.

Deciding to trust that maybe he knew her better than she herself, at least in this case, she took her position opposite him on the mat and assumed a guard stance.

"Ready?" he asked. At her nod, "Alright." Pounding his fists together once more, she watched as Lee settled into his own ready stance and waved her to start.

"You do realize you're going down," she goaded him, beginning to circle and bounce to warm her muscles.

"Still talk a big game. Let's see some action," he replied, maintaining his distance as he rolled his shoulders. Suddenly stepping into her, he said, "Let's dance then, Thrace."

[ I I I I I ]

Exhausted, Kara reeled back as the weak blow struck the side of her face. She staggered, then caught her balance at the last moment to keep from going down. With a low groan, she stood bent over, resting hands on her knees as she gathered breath again before finding her own burst of energy in return and launched a combination at Lee's head and body. The fact that there wasn't any strength anymore behind her punches didn't stop them from causing Lee to stumble under their impact.

They'd been going at each other for just shy of an hour now, and both were obviously reaching their limits. A distant part of her was vaguely worried that she'd managed to bring Lee to this point. He should be wiping the mat with her since she was still recovering her previous condition.

Watching him pause to catch his own breath, Kara suspected that he wasn't eating enough, especially since every meal she took with him, he insisted on 'fobbing off' half his rations on her, claiming she need the extra calories to regain the weight she'd lost and, besides, he couldn't stomach that much of what the mess was calling food theses days.

Kara barely pulled her head aside to avoid a lunging punch, but still lost her balance as his weight followed through and connected with her shoulder. The pair were suddenly falling in a tangle of limbs onto the mat together.

Gasping, she lay sprawled with Lee draped half over her, and blinked at the overhead lights, trying to see through eyes stinging with sweat. A muffled groan escaped her as Lee rolled himself off. She pushed the mouthguard out and ran her tongue along her cut lip, automatically cataloging the damage. One bloody nose, confirmed with a swipe of a gloved hand, still bleeding a little; the left side of her face felt hot and her jaw ached, at least one black eye to show off tomorrow. Still gulping air, she was at least comforted by the general, overall ache in her torso. No sharp pains, so no bad ribs. Thank the gods for that. Her legs protested as she bent her knees. It had seemed a good idea a little while ago, using kicks and sweeps to even the field between her and Lee. Maybe not so much after all, she thought as bruised shins and tight hamstrings throbbed their protested.

All in all, she was in one piece—a sore and multi-colored one—but functional.

Note to self, avoid Cottle at all costs for next few days.

Rolling her head, she surveyed the figure at her side. She was surprised by Lee's smile. It was a bloody one, yet genuine. She chuckled at how goofy he looked grinning around the mouthguard he hadn't yet spit out. His laugh joined hers as he reached up and pulled free the rubber mouthpiece, his arm flopping back down close enough to brush hers.

"Gods! We're so…frakked up," Kara choked out.

"Do I…have to…call BS on you?" Lee warned between gasps for air.

"No, Sir," she impudently replied.

Then she sobered as she considered what she and Lee had just done to each other. What had started out relatively light-hearted, had devolved into a form of payback. Too many of the blows they'd exchanged had had real intent behind them—on both sides. Only an occasional word had been spoken once their sparring had turned serious, just enough to put the next furious series of strikes into context. Her cut lip had come on the heels of Lee saying 'Baltar', and 'Groundbreaking' had proceeded the blow to her nose that had sent her reeling. She knew he was referring to their night together on New Caprica—or more precisely, her actions the next morning. And Lee hadn't gotten off lightly, either. His own bloody nose stood witness to Kara's fist flashing forward as she'd said Dee's name.

She wished they didn't have such trouble using words between them. So often meanings were misconstrued or lies flung for no purpose but to injure. With Laura, and Sharon to a lesser extent, she was finally finding it possible to express her feelings without resorting to fists. Kara had thought she and Lee were also slowly feeling their way towards articulating their thoughts and emotions verbally.

Yet, here they lay, battered and exhausted.

With her teeth, she released the slip knots and wrenched the gloves off, tossing them aside and laying one forearm over her eyes.

A touch lightly tugged at her elbow and she let him pull her arm down, and rolled her head again towards Lee.

"What's going through that head of yours? he gently asked.

"Why'd we do this, Lee," her bleak reply. "Why do we always do this to each other?" She saw something flicker across his face as he considered her words.

"I don't know, Kara." He twitched out a finger and snagged one of hers. "I'm sorry if this was a mistake. Just thought we could spar. Release some this…this whatever it is between us. Guess I still had a lot of anger at you. Blamed you for what happened with us." She blinked and looked away, knowing how much she deserved his anger and just thankful that he didn't hate her anymore.

"It's Ok."

"No, Kara, it's not Ok," he sharply corrected, and fully grasping her hand now, continued, "I've done quite a bit of thinking these past weeks. Our relationship, everything that's happened between us? It's as much my fault as yours. I've stepped back, pushed you away, nearly as many times as you have me." He shook his head, lips tightening as he continued, "I was afraid to commit."

"But that night—"

"Except that night," he interrupted. "I was desperate. You were going to move to the surface with Sam…and suddenly I realized I was out of time. Just didn't realize that I'd already waited too long."

"It's me—"

Again he interrupted. "Partly. But only partly. I know about your parents, but you forget I have parental issues, too. Mom and dad's marriage," he grimaced, "it wasn't pretty." She met his turbulent eyes, and listened, really tried to listen to what he was saying as he went on. "Kara, I know you idolize my dad." At her frown, he corrected, "Fine, you 'look up to him'. But for me, he wasn't a good role model."

"He tried, Lee," she said, compelled to defend the Old Man.

"I know he tried, but that's not the point. This isn't about dad, not really, it's about me and about what's you and I have." She saw him groping for words as he looked away, and Kara forced herself to wait, giving him time to think instead of jumping in with a glib remark like usual. When his gaze locked with hers again, the discord in its depth had calmed. "I love you, Kara Thrace. Think I have since the moment we met. Love at first sight—hokey I know—but that was it for me. And this feeling…it scares me, always has. And with our timing…" he trailed off.

"Yeah, our timing's always kinda sucked, huh," she said, and couldn't keep the edge of bitterness from her smirk.

"Timing, history, whatever," he said with a shrug. "Really our biggest problem's been fear. If you feel about me," he paused, and the hesitancy returned to his eyes as he searched hers, "how I feel about you, it's no wonder you ran."

She tried to hold herself still as Lee disengaged his hand and reached out to stroke her cheek. Despite her efforts, though, the feeling of being pulled in two directions was too much. Kara pressed her cheek against his palm even as she raised her own and placed it over Lee's, then slowly pulled his from her face.

"Lee, I…it's…it's too soon. I can't do this." As his started to pull his fingers from hers, "Not now. Not yet. But…" It was the best she could give him, and her heart hoped it was enough. His grip curled about hers and gave a gentle squeeze and she could breath again.

Rolling onto her side to face him, head propped on her shoulder with her hand still tangled in his, Kara discovered, because she wasn't feeling pressured, she actually could give a little more. The words would finally come.

"I love you," she admitted. "But, I loved Sam, too. I know it's wrong to love two people, but I do…did." This time her gaze wavered, but returned to his as she pushed on, "With you, it's like…like flying, all instinct and action. I love it and without it, I-I just… I feel like I've been permanently grounded, you know?" She leaned towards him in her intensity.

"I get it," he said. "It's the same for me. Like I've been boxed in all my life, and I only can burst free when I'm with you, just loss control...be whoever I am." He stroked the back of her hand with his thumb, and she tightened her grip in response.

Staring over his shoulder, she quietly went on, "With Sam, it was different. Gentler… Quiet. I knew he loved me, never doubted it." She saw Lee flinch but ignored it. "Sammy made me feel safe, kinda like with Zak," she confessed, her gaze flitting away, then to back to his face, afraid how he might take what she'd said. Reassured at his slow nod, she continued, "What happened on New Caprica…between us. That night—in the dark—I could shout out how much I…" she faltered, swallowing against the rising panic of exposing herself so thoroughly.

"Hey, I understand," Lee said, bringing her hand up and lightly kissing it, branding her with blood from his cut lip.

Kara remembered how Sam had kissed her hand once just like that. Guilt burned her where Lee's lips touched and she abruptly yanked her hand free. As hurt confusion suffused his face, Kara sat up and wrapped her arms around herself.

"Damn it, Kara. Don't close me out," he demanded, frustration roughening his voice.

"I'm such a frakkin' mess, and Sam…he's dead. And it's my fault. He got killed because of me… Just like Zak. It's only a matter of time, Lee, before I get you killed, too," she grimly asserted.

She watched him squeeze his eyes shut, then he blinked and swung around so he was sitting cross-legged facing her.

"Kara, we all make choices. The choices Sam—and Zak—made were their own. No one forced them. So, unless you held the gun and pulled the trigger, their deaths weren't your fault. You have to stop believing that everything bad that happens is because of you," he firmly stated.

Kara pulled from her tank the twin dog tags and ring, symbols of the loves that had left her behind, and cupped them in her palm, searching for a way to believe in what Lee had said.

"I'm sorry, Kara." His somber voice drew her eyes. "Sorry for everything you went through on New Caprica. Sorry, for the times I've hurt you. For not understanding why what we felt scared you so." He reached out and cupped a hand behind her neck and she let him pull her forward so they touched forehead to forehead. "And, I'm sorry for abandoning you on that rock for so long. But, most of all, I'm so frakkin' sorry for not seeing how much you were hurting when you came back…for adding to that pain." He pulled back to search her face. "Can you forgive a jealous jackass?"

A genuine smile traveled from her lips to light her eyes. "Guess I can do that, on account of your being a superior asshole. Maybe we can trade. I forgive you and you forgive me for running away?" Her smile started to slip until she saw him gently smile back.

"I can do that. What's say we call it a draw?" he suggested, leaning in to lightly touch his lips to hers, mingling their blood and futures irrevocably together.