Okay, since I have a lot of homework to get done before final exams this week and half of next, I decided to update again today! Don't worry, the yolo in me is back on track! Heehee, I'm a bit more cheery now that I had a nap, or two! But anyway new chapter, new info! Now it's time to show...how Kendall has coped with the break-up; I'll tell you this, a lot of angst and he may put on a brave face around others, but he's just as broken up inside as James. You know what song helped me with this chapter? 'When You're Gone' by Avril Lavigne, that song says all the emotions! I recommend listening to it while reading this! But anyway, thanks to Kames all the way for reviewing, hope everyone else gives some input! I want to make sure they're enjoying this story as much as you, even with the recent sad chapters! Well enjoy all of the universe! Raven of the Robinsons, out! Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I have the DVDs of their seasons, but that's it! I don't own Big Time Rush, just this AU's plot! Oh, and italics ONLY represent flashbacks and memories!
Kendall use to love Saturdays.
About a month ago, James and Kendall would spend Saturdays together. Well, the Saturdays the brunette wasn't busy. They would have sleepovers, either at James' house or his it didn't matter, and just do small yet sweet couple stuff: watch a movie all cuddled up in bed, Kendall sometimes never remembering what movie they watched since James would distract him with kisses to his neck. After a movie they would just talk; not always about their relationship, which like any couple had its ups and downs, but about how the other's day went, if something interesting happened, etc.
Kendall loved the little talks they had. For some reason he always felt like he was getting to know his...ex-fiancee more and more each day. Sure, they've known each other since they were little kids, but it's never a bad idea to just sit down and talk with your lover; communication is one of the key elements to a successful relationship, friendship or intimate.
They would talk about the usual stuff, like parents and teachers, and sometimes they would talk about random things like which moon phase was on that night or if aliens have really been to Earth. Sure the conversations often got silly, which resulted in them kissing until both were out of breath, but Kendall loved those little things.
It made a difference to him, after all the dirty blonde was more sentimental than materialistic.
After the two-hour or so talks they would just lay in bed, all snuggled to each other between the covers, and just stare at the ceiling. A silence followed these moments but not an awkward silence; it was a silence that only they understood, it was as if they were communicating without making a sound.
Kendall loved those moments too, because he could just lay all warm and safe, listening to the soothing drum of James' heart.
And then James would sing to him. James had such a beautiful voice; it was soft and rich like melted dark chocolate, and he would sing all of Kendall's favorite songs to help him fall asleep. His voice has grown over the years, he sounded like an angel and he didn't stop singing until Kendall was snoring softly against him. One time Kendall had insomnia, because of bad dreams, and couldn't get to sleep. James went on singing until three in the morning, when the younger boy was finally dreaming peacefully the remainder of the night.
Kendall had felt terrible for keeping his boyfriend up so late, especially since James had trouble sleeping on a regular basis, but he remembered what the brunette did when he tried to apologize: gave him a light glare, waved off the apology and kissed him softly, slowly.
"Don't apologize, dork. You know for you, I would do anything."
'Stop it, just stop it Kendall! You're just torturing yourself by thinking about him, it's been a month why are you still hooked on him?!' Kendall scolded himself, hands running through his messy, tangled hair in frustration.
He was home alone right now; his mom Jen was out on an errand and Katie was over at a friend's house. There was a high chance he'd spent this weekend alone, too. Carlos was sick, Logan out of town for some big science competition, Katie probably will sleepover said friend's house and his mom had the night shift at her job this weekend since a co-worker was in the hospital from a broken leg.
All weekend alone. He'd surely lose his mind.
Kendall has been a mess for the last month. After breaking up with James, the shorter boy completely broken down inside. He still smiled, though it was forced; he still laughed, yet it was bland and fake; he still wore his favorite plaid button-ups and plain t-shirts, but slept in James' old lucky V-neck and pajama bottoms at night, clothes the pretty boy left one day at Kendall's and never bothered to get back. He always remembered that Kendall loved sleeping in his clothes, because his sweet cinnamon scent (when not overpowered with Cuda Man products) was always heavy in his clothes, even when he hasn't worn them in a while. Kendall, with an embarrassed blush, admitted he liked sleeping in his lover's clothes, also wearing them out in public, and so James left his V-neck (his one and only) and pajama bottoms (black with purple strips) to Kendall.
Every time Kendall tried to return them, James would roll his eyes and kiss the blonde's forehead.
"Stop it, okay Emerald? You are my boyfriend, if you like wearing my clothes then go ahead. You act like it bothers me, but it does not. I love you, besides I think you look...very appealing in my shirts and jeans. Especially what you wear to bed."
"James!" Kendall exclaimed in embarrassment at his boyfriend's suddenly husky tone, and at the seductive wink the older boy threw at him a second later. James scoffed and wrapped his arms around the dirty blonde, whose bright green eyes shined when James kissed his lips softly, gently.
"Please, you cannot deny how attractive you are, beloved. In fact, it takes so much self-control not to just ravish you senseless..." Despite the obvious longing in the other's voice, James' eyes only held genuine love and care; it was clear from his gestures too, from the gentle, tender way he held Kendall by the waist, and how he would smile from just saying Kendall's name.
"I-I love you, James." Kendall whispered, heart pounding hard in his chest when James stroked his face, tracing the soft curves of Kendall's high cheekbones.
"I love you too, Kendall."
"Get the HELL out of my head!" Kendall soon screamed into his pillow, trying to hold back, and failing, the hot and boiling tears building in his eyes.
He's spent the whole morning in bed. He only got up to take a shower, ignoring his growling stomach, only to change into James' V-neck and pajama bottoms and bury himself under the covers. He didn't want anyone to come see him; he locked his bedroom door shut. He didn't want to see the gloomy day outside; he closed the window and drew the curtains. He didn't want to hear anything; he pulled out an old CD player with large headphones, pulled the headphones and yanked them over his ears. He didn't want the cold air to touch him; he basically mummified himself in his blankets and sheets, a beanie over his still wet dirty blonde hair.
"J-just leave me alone. You're gone, you're with the person you REALLY love, now just leave me alone! Why can't I-I-I forget about y-you?! DAMN IT!"
The waterworks were back.
With a yell Kendall untangled himself from his cocoon and threw everything, the blankets and pillows, to the floor; he curled up on his now bare bed, shoulders trembling violently while he cried into his knees.
He hasn't felt this way since his dad's death.
His dad...
"Kendall! Kendall, please wake up! KENDALL!" Said boy, only eleven, struggled to see who was screaming his name.
He felt numb, pale. Faintly he could see a tall shadow, with brown hair clutching a bloody rag.
"J-James...?" Said brunette sighed in relief, tears sparkling in his red-rimmed hazel-green eyes.
"Kendall, why did y-you do this?! Just hold on, I'm going to h-hold down the fort until the ambulance gets here! You're going to be okay, Kenny, I p-promise!" The bloody rag Kendall felt James press to his throat; right, now Kendall remembered that he was so depressed about his dad's death, he tried to...kill himself. He had sliced across his throat, too deep on the first try.
Then the rest, was all a blur.
"J-Jamie, I'm sorry."
"Kendall, stop talking. J-just stop talking and hold my hand. I'm going to slow down the b-bleeding as much as I can, but hold on okay? Don't give up, K-Kenny. You can't leave me..."
'James saved me that day, when I was so willing to just die.' Kendall thought, the details of that memory coming back: being in a hospital for two weeks, his mom and sister crazy with worry, Carlos and Logan coming in every day and James, James never leaving his side.
Never leaving his side; James had put everything on hold for him, because he didn't like being apart from Kendall for too long. And in the condition Kendall was at the time, the brunette even slept on a cot in his hospital room, just so he could be the first one to tell Kendall good morning and good night.
He made sure not one single night Kendall spent in hospital he spent alone; he was always there, laying in bed with him when the blonde asked him to, to hold him close through the night and keep him company as much as possible.
Nothing could drive them apart...
'No, I said stop!'
Kendall's cell-phone flew across the room; it smashed his closet mirror, the door he left ajar, and showered the carpet floor with fine, glass shards.
Kendall sighed; now he'd have to explain that to his mom when she got back...
The mirror.
Kendall shakily rose from bed and crossed over to now broken mirror, seeing a flash of red in one of the shards. Being careful he picked it up and soon saw what was being reflected: the roses James got him a long time ago, thirteen roses.
The number thirteen was lucky to James; he got his V-neck on the thirteen of September, his birth month, and his first date with Kendall had been on December thirteenth, which was now not too far off on the calender. It only made sense, at least to James, to get his lover thirteen roses.
All of them were dead now, black and withered and old. Except for one, one rose was bright red and beautiful among all the dead and ugly.
"My love will last as long as these roses live, and Emerald, one of them is fake. If that rose does not die, then what does that mean?" James asked, smirking.
Kendall blushed a bright red as he put the roses into a vase of fresh water, smiling though when he sat down in the other's lap and snuggled close to him.
"If one rose doesn't die, then that means you'll love me forever." The blonde replied, that making James' smirk soften to a smile as he kissed Kendall behind the right ear.
"Yes, and it is true you know: I will love you, I will always love you; I will love you forever, Kendall."
Having to see James walk away every day for the last month, with a stoic face and black eyes, it broke Kendall every time.
Having to walk home and be alone for hours on end, without his best friend, it choked Kendall.
Having to lay in his bed, alone at night without a musical voice at his ear and warm, strong arms protecting him from nightmares, it make Kendall experience a cold sweat.
Having to go about day after day without hearing those three small yet special words, it made Kendall want to cry.
And having to cry alone, without him to wipe away the tears and hold him tight, it made Kendall feel as if he was drowning.
'T-that face, those eyes, that smile...'
Kendall couldn't help but smile at seeing James sleeping peacefully at his side, head in his lap.
His best friend never left him, even when their moms told him to at least sleep in a more comfortable bed.
"No I'm not leaving Kenny, even if I have to camp out here I'll do it if it means keeping him company!" Kendall remembered James saying to his mom Brooke after she tried to insist yet again that her son sleep in his bed at night and stay with Kendall during the day.
Normally you don't tell Brooke Diamond that N-word, but she lost this battle to James easily.
"Jamie, Jamie wake up." Kendall whispered softly, shaking his friend until his beautiful hazel-green eyes fluttered open; said brunette let out a yawn and stretched his arms over his head, getting up from Kendall's lap.
"Ugh, great I have a crick in my neck now." Kendall chuckled.
"That's what you get for sleeping sitting up with your head down." James stuck out his tongue at this.
"Well excuse me for wanting to be by your side all the time, sheesh so demanding are you not?"
"Well I can be, but you know...I'm glad you're always here with me." Kendall admitted with a light blush to his cheeks; James smiled softly though and cupped Kendall's chin, bringing their faces together, so close that their noses brushed.
"And I'm always glad I get to see you every day, Kenny."
'And the first time we kissed, before confessing our feelings.' Kendall thought, lost in the memories as he fell to his knees, tears streaming down his cheeks as he held the plastic rose close to his chest.
It had been a light brush of the lips; it had been so faint, Kendall could have sworn it had been a dream.
But there they were, James on top of him from a trip, Kendall under him with their lips now an inch apart, eyes wide and faces flushed red from...the kiss.
It had been an accident; James tripped over Kendall's hockey gear on the way up to his room, they fell on his bed in a heap, and next thing they knew when they opened their eyes was that their lips were pressed tightly together.
It had been an accident, but it had been an accident that had Kendall with butterflies in his stomach and his heart racing like a jackrabbit's.
"I-I..." James was at a loss for words; how he could explain all was just an accident, and he didn't REALLY plan to trip and steal a kiss from Kendall?
He knew it was wrong, he was like four years older than Kendall for the love of God! That was too much of a taboo, too much of an age difference!
But a kiss, he now had a kiss from Kendall Knight, his best friend since forever.
The kiss, it wasn't James' first kiss but it was Kendall's. Kendall's first kiss had been with his best friend, the person he developed feelings for when he eleven but really didn't figure them out until months later.
Sure he was still a kid, James too despite being about four years older (Kendall eleven, James fifteen) but...but he knew that he had fallen in love with his best friend. He could just feel it; kid or not, there was nothing else he could put to explain how he felt for the brunette.
"I-I'm sorry!" James began, but Kendall shook his head, blonde hair (it was a little longer when he was a kid) flying about his face as he smiled.
That smile said it all.
'Oh God what have I've done?!' Horrified realization began to flood Kendall from the inside, he leaning against his chest of drawers as he curled up into a ball under the window. He began shaking violently once more, a heavy pang going off in his chest.
"Kendall, you're the one person in the world that keeps me on the edge, sane. I'd lose my mind without you!"
'No...'
"You're not just beautiful, Emerald! You're sweet, loving, kind, smart, talented, may I go on? I wish I could find the right word to describe just how perfect you really are, because I can't believe you can't see it for yourself!"
'James...'
"Don't you dare listen to those jerks, Kenny Rabbit. So you're a little younger than me, Emerald if I wanted to leave you I would have left by now. But I don't want to, I love you; age is but a number, but as long as the love is sincere, then what people say can't hurt us. I love you, don't ever doubt or forget that..."
"Oh God..."
"I know I am narcissistic; I know I can be difficult, and sometimes when I'm upset I cross the line protecting you from whoever tries to hurt you; with my fucked up past, I know I can get all dark and angry and cold; I know before I pretended to be okay alone, but all of that has been a lie."
'A lie...a few he's admitted to...'
"But I've lied about all of those things, Kendall. I can be narcissistic at times, but you always bring me back down to Earth in the end. I know I'm complicated, I mean who isn't right, but I know I have issues and a temper but you calm me down before the volcano can even boil to a point. I know I've let my past seriously mark me, but your eyes and smile remind me that there's always tomorrow, a better day than yesterday. I acted like being alone didn't mean a damn to me, but no. Without you, Kendall...I'd be lost, I wouldn't know where to go."
'No matter how hard he tried to hide it, his heart was always there to be seen.'
"Our relationship hasn't been easy: we've had our fights, people giving us looks, all that crap but we survived it all. All relationships have their ups and downs, but all has been worth it. Kendall, I could never leave you, no matter how hard I tried to push you away at first and no matter what I said. You know me, you're the only one on this planet that knows me. You know me inside and out, sometimes better than I know myself. And...and I've come to realize that you're the one person I would die without; I wouldn't be able to live without you, no matter what. I need you, to live, to love and to be happy."
'The only person, the only thing period, he would d-die without...'
"And so here I am, asking with my heart out for you...if you will do me the honor of accepting me as your husband. Kendall Donald Knight, though we will wait as long as you want...will you, will you m-marry me?"
'Oh God, J-James!'
"What have I done?" Kendall choked out, a hand over his mouth as a sharp gasp left him.
'What the HELL did I do to J-James?! Oh God, NO!'
-Page Break-
James was in his bed, on his back. The blood from training was now dry and a dark red, a large blemish to his perfect skin.
His suit was on the floor, along with his weapons. He was almost naked, dressed in just dark blue boxers. His forehead matted down with sweat, tears tracks glistening against his cheeks. His chest was rising and falling but slowly, as if he was asleep with his eyes open.
'K-Kendall...please save me.'