Well, It's Christmas, so I decided to try and get this chapter written, and I managed it in time, so here it is, sort of like my present to all of you! So this probably isn't my best writing, however this chapter is extremely important- possibly the most important chapter so far, so I hope you enjoy it! I apologize for any out of characterness, and for any spelling or grammar errors, and for those who celebrate it, I wish you all a Merry Christmas!
Chapter 9
Dipper couldn't believe that he had looked over the evidence in front of him this whole time. His heart was pounding as if he had been running, and his head spun as if he had been strung up from the ceiling by his feet, yet he still stayed rooted to his seat, the thoughts whirling through his mind faster than the speed of sound, silent, yet screaming louder than anything he had ever heard before. He leaned over and buried his face in his hands, cursing himself over and over inside of his mind.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid… The word became alike to a mantra, repeating over and over.
How could you look over something like that?
Why didn't you see it sooner?
Why didn't you look hard enough?
The thoughts began to separate and slow down, giving way to coherent words, reminding him of how ignorant he had been, the works spilling from his mouth in muttered phrases, his hands tangling into his own hair in frustration. They repeated again and again, until Dipper had lost track of how long he had been sitting there. However, one thought reared its head above the rest, starting quiet then increasing in volume until it overpowered all the other thoughts, the brunet's mind suddenly silencing, clarity descending upon him.
You can fix this
For the first time in what felt like years, Dipper's thoughts were clear. He knew exactly what to do, exactly what to say, exactly how to react, the change so sudden that he stopped to wonder whether he had transformed into a different person. But Dipper was still Dipper, and he knew how to fix things.
Pulling on a coat and running out of the door, he began to walk hastily towards where he knew Bill's apartment was, his hands resting in his pockets, clenched into fists in a slight sense of uncertainty. He knew that he did have a chance to make things right, to apologize, to settle things between him and Bill, however he knew that the blonde could be unpredictable and act unlike people would expect him to act, and say things that people wouldn't expect him to say, so Dipper was still anxious about the confrontation that would undoubtedly happen- and rightfully so.
Approaching the door to the front of the block of apartments that Bill lived in, Dipper had to pause to force down the rapidly rising wave of uncertainty that threatened to overwhelm him, then headed inside. The place was cold, clean and, in the majority, silent, the least likely sort of place that Dipper would expect someone like Bill to live. He found a listing of names and buttons that would allow visitors to call up to the residents, and read down them, until he reached the listing for room 3b, which was registered as belonging to Bill Cipher. Taking note of the name of the room, Dipper crossed over to the stairs, inhaling deeply before heading up them. His footsteps echoed loudly as he made his way up the staircase, fingers gliding along the cold metal handrail, past floor one, floor two, then to floor three, finding himself standing directly in front of room 3b, the residence of Bill Cipher, of mIndscape, of the person that Dipper had to apologize to.
The brunet could hear faint sounds of movement through the door to the apartment, which clarified that Bill was home, and the muffled music that also played indicated that he wasn't filming a video, so Dipper raised his hand, exhaled heavily to try and force aside the feelings of uncertainty that were clustering inside of him, and tapped upon the door. The sound rang out loud and clearly, no way of disguising it as anything other than a knock.
No backing out now.
Dipper had to force his feet to stay rooted to the ground as the music from inside room 3b cut off abruptly, and the sound of footsteps drew closer to the door.
"Who's there?" The voice that rang out from the other side of the door was undoubtedly Bill's- Dipper recognised it, despite never really having had a direct, vocal conversation with the blonde, aside from his conversations with mIndscape, which always used the joke-store voice changer. Dipper had to swallow heavily before speaking, his throat having grown dry without him realizing.
"It's me; Dipper." There was a sharp intake of breath from the other side of the door, and the sound of movement once again as it was made clear that Bill had just walked sharply away from the door. Dipper could feel a note of desperation creep into his voice when he next spoke. "Please, Bill, I just want to talk." Still no response, just an uncomfortable silence that settled like a wall between them. He drew in a shuddering breath. "I know that you're mIndscape. I figured it out." More footsteps, as Bill hurried back over to the door.
"Oh shit." There was an almost scared note to the blonde's voice. "How did you find out? Is it that obvious? Is there any possibility that anyone else knows?"
"Look, it's fine. I only figured it out because I knew you well as both mIndscape and Bill, and I don't think there's anyone else that is in that position. It's all fine- only I know." Dipper was surprised at how reassuring he had managed to make his voice sound, and how easily he'd managed to formulate the right words to say. There was a long silence from Bill's side of the door, before there was the sound of something thudding against the wooden surface, then a sliding noise as it was made apparent that the blonde had just slid down the door and sat down upon the ground.
"Please, just make it easier for yourself and leave." Bill's voice was muffled, but still resonated with a sense of defeat.
"I can't leave yet. I need to apologize first. I'm not sure exactly what it is that I've done to make you want to avoid me- and I know I probably made you very uncomfortable through all the stuff that I said about you when I wasn't aware that it was you I was talking to, and if you don't want to associate with me any more, then that's understandable. But I just want to say sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you or upset you or make you feel uncomfortable. If you want me to leave now, then just say it, and I'll go." There was a long silence. No words were spoken from either side of the door and no movements were made- it seemed as if the whole world around them was holding its breath. Then there was a sigh from Bill's side of the door, the sound of rustling clothing as movements were made, then the door clicked and swung open.
Bill stood in the doorway, his hair messy and ruffled at the back, his golden-brown eyes trained on Dipper. The blonde's attire was not what the brunet was used to seeing, a simple pair of jeans and a black t-shirt with a triangle upon it being the only thing he was wearing, his eyes lacking the usual eyeliner and gold tint brushed across his eyelids. He was a lot shorter than Dipper remembered him to be too, standing at least a few inches smaller than the brunet, without the pair of high-heeled boots that Bill often seemed to wear to equalize their heights. He stood in a defeated pose, leaning slightly against the doorframe, his mouth without the usual smirk or grin that usually decorated it. Despite this, however, to Dipper, he was still pretty much perfect.
"I guess I have some explaining to do, don't I? You might as well come in." Bill then turned around and headed back into the apartment, leaving the doorway open for Dipper to enter. The apartment was a lot cleaner and organized than the brunet expected it to be, with light grey walls, decorated with art that mostly depicted triangles hung up in golden frames. The kitchen was unusually large for such a small living space, with polished surfaces and what seemed to be fairly advanced equipment, and the rest of the room was taken up by a collection of chairs and a television screen that was mounted to the wall. There were three doors that branched off the main living area, one of which was open and seemed to lead into a bedroom of some description, and the other two were closed. Bill was standing next to one of the chairs in the main living area, and, as Dipper approached, gestured for him to sit in it. The brunet obliged, and sat down, perched on the edge of the seat, his hands folded in his lap.
"Do you want something to drink? I can make you a coffee if you want." Bill questioned from where he was still standing from behind the seat.
"I'm fine- I had something to drink not too long ago." Bill nodded, then walked across the room and sat in one of the chairs opposite the one Dipper was sitting.
"That's good. It gives me one less thing to distract myself with. I guess it was only a matter of time before I had to tell someone other than Will all this stuff, and if I get distracted, I'll probably back out again." The blonde stared at his hands for a brief window of time, then looked up at Dipper again. "Where am I even supposed to start explaining things..?" The tone to his voice indicated that he was mostly addressing himself, rather than talking directly to Dipper. The previously anonymous youtuber ran a hand through his hair, as if trying to physically push his thoughts back into order, then exhaled heavily, and started speaking.
"This whole mess that I've gotten myself in has been going on for at least five years, I'd say. I did have a youtube channel that existed before mIndscape- Triangulum, it was called. I mostly filmed videos of me talking about my life, and explained conspiracy theories, paranormal happenings, those sort of events. I didn't think that my parents knew about Triangulum, or if they did know, they didn't seem to care. However, once I hit about three thousand subscribers on the channel, I posted a video about the long distance relationship I was in with my boyfriend at the time, who I actually met through youtube. It turned out that my parents did watch my videos, and I guess they weren't all that happy about the fact that I had a boyfriend." He let out a nervous sounding laugh, accompanied by a half-hearted smile.
"They waited until I had left the house to go and buy some food from the local store, then they went up to my room, where I hadn't logged off my computer, went onto my youtube channel, and deleted the whole thing. When I got back to the house, they had taken my computer, my phone, anything that I could have used to access the internet, all of it was gone. They told me that it was for my own good, that they were just doing what was right for me. They didn't let me leave the house unless it was absolutely necessary, and, when they gave me my things back after a month, most of my friends, and my boyfriend, thought I had decided that I was too good for them, and they had all moved on." Bill shifted in his seat, and it was evident to Dipper that he hadn't recounted this tale to anyone in a very long time.
"Things went downhill after that, relationship-wise. It just seems like, no matter what I do, I'm always going to fuck up some way or another. I always end up saying or doing something stupid that drives people away from me. I've upset so many people by just trying to be funny, and then I've just made it worse by trying to fix it. Hell, I've said some awful things." The blonde looked completely defeated by this point, curled up in the chair, tears visible at the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill over. Dipper was completely unused to seeing Bill in that state, so was unsure of what to do, his hands remaining clasped together in his lap, gaze flickering off to the side.
"I've laughed at people when I shouldn't be laughing at them, I've sat and talked about myself when I should be listening to others, I've been partially responsible for somebody almost dying for fucks sake. I said so many stupid things to them, that they got up and left, but they forgot to check the road before they crossed, and…" He trailed off, leaving the sentence unfinished, however Dipper knew exactly what would have come after if the blonde had continued speaking, and felt a small, involuntary shudder pass over him, before he spoke for the first time in what felt like forever.
"I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that." the brunet stared down at the floor, unsure of what to say. "I'm still not sure what it is that I did to upset you, though. Is it because me talking to you might have given people clues to the fact that you're mIndscape?" Bill let out an exasperated noise, shaking his head slightly.
"You're so clueless, you know that, right?" The look of frustration on Bill's face confused Dipper, and he opened his mouth to question the former Starbucks barista again, however he was beaten to the words, Bill cutting him off and speaking over him. "You actually have no idea…" He trailed off into a quiet, exasperated chuckle. "You know what, Pine Tree: Fuck you." Dipper flinched backwards at the blonde's sudden harsh words.
"I don't… I'm sorry? I guess that's-" The brunet managed to spit up a few, confused, jumbled words, before Bill cut him off again.
"I made a promise to myself that I'd never involve myself in other people's lives, because I'd just end up hurting them, and hurting myself. I didn't want to mess things up again, and I've been pretty good at keeping that promise, up until now." Dipper still felt confusion swimming through him, clouding his thoughts. The look of uncertainty that evidently crossed his face meant that he didn't need to voice his confusion, and Bill stood up sharply from his chair, and walked closer to Dipper.
"I thought that if I just left you alone, you'd forget about me and just move on, and then I'd be able to forget about you too. But you're awfully persistent, aren't you, Pine Tree?" Bill was leaning in far closer to Dipper than the brunet was used to, the flecks of gold that laced through his eyes visible, the slight shimmer of that seemed to have stained his eyelids from a long time of wearing glittering eye makeup now evident, the close proximity causing Dipper's heart to jump at a faster rate than the aspiring writer would have liked it to.
"You're not making life easy for me, Pine Tree; I hope you realise that." With that, the blonde leaned in even closer, close enough for Dipper to hear his breathing, and spoke in hushed tones. "You know what, fuck the whole promise thing." Then, before Dipper could register fully what was happening, Bill was kissing him. The whole thing was over in a matter of seconds, little more than a brief moment of contact, and the blonde pulled away from him before he could respond in any meaningful manner, leaving him sitting in the chair with a look of bewilderment on his face as Bill walked calmly back over to his chair, and sat back down. "Come on, Pine Tree. You have to have figured it out by now." Dipper blinked a few times to try and clear the thoughts that were flying wildly through his head, trying to put the things he wanted to say down into words. "Or am I going to have to make you ask me out on a date too?" The prompting note in Bill's voice was enough to finally inspire some hurried, slightly breathless words to formulate.
"Yeah, I think a date would be good."
As I said, this chapter was a very important one! I hope you enjoyed reading this, and I have to thank you all so much for being so supportive when I lost my motivation- I really appreciated every single one of your kind comments! And just as a reminder, I'll be posting updates and information about this fanfiction, and information about future fanfictions on Tumblr, on which my url is ghost-noises. Again, thankyou so much for reading, and I hope you have a very good time this Christmas!