AN: I know, I know. It's a little late. Sorry. Busy week, and then I had to rush write it today. Hopefully it's not too horrible.
Thank you to the reviewers! You guys rock.
LXXII.
A small light glistened off the bleak gray horizon, the ocean or something like it, sprawling out into oblivion. Jimmy sat on the coast, staring far off at the dull glow of nothing in the distance. It was cold, but there was no breeze. He could hear the emptiness in the air and a shiver raced his spine. He barely acknowledged Kelsey beside him.
"Can you hear it?" she asked, tilted her head towards him.
"Hear what?"
"The signal. It's calling you," Kelsey said.
"What are you talking about? I can't hear anything?" Jimmy muttered, bristling despite himself. He glanced at her, and noted, "You left. You and Rick both disappeared, out at the structure. After we blew it up."
"Yes."
"You're not really here, are you?"
"No."
"Am I imagining this?" Jimmy wondered, more to himself than her.
"I think you would imagine something far more creative than this," Kelsey replied sarcastically. She cleared her throat, and dipped her feet into the silver water. It rippled oddly, like liquid metal, and swallowed her legs up to the mid-calf, "You're sure you don't hear it."
"I'm sure."
"Because it's calling you," Kelsey said.
"You keep saying that, but I'm still not hearing anything," Jimmy grumbled, frowned, "Where's Ben?"
Kelsey rolled her eyes, "You're so predictable. We're having a conversation about you, is that really such a difficult topic to stay focused on?"
"I thought we were talking about some imaginary signal," Jimmy said.
"No. We're talking about you and the fact you're dying, dumbass."
"Oh," Jimmy shrugged. He kind of already figured as much, though he was a little taken aback by the "angel" greeting him at death's door. Well, shit. He always had a hunch he'd be going to hell, it was sort of depressing to learn he was right. Everything he'd done in life, his every sin, played out before his eyes. Before the aliens, during the invasion, Dorchester, his bloodied hand in the war; he was a bad person and being led to hell by the student he lost was too good a fate for him. If only he knew Ben was somewhere alive and safe, he could go without any regrets, but maybe that was the real punishment for his sins, to never know Ben's fate.
"That's all you have to say for yourself? 'Oh'. Wow, you're pathetic as ever," Kelsey said.
"What else am I supposed to say? If I'm dying, I'm dying. There's nothing I can do about it. Should I yell or cry? Throw a fit? Shit, it's not going to change things, is it? I might as well just sit here and wait for it all to end," Jimmy replied haggardly, then sighed and admitted, "It's kind of nice, actually. I mean, overall life sucked, and, you know, I guess I feel like this is okay. Like I've experienced everything in life worth experiencing, I have no reason to live really and no real regrets I can do anything about, or whatever. I'm satisfied, I suppose, and well, fuck, I'm tired. I'm ready."
"What about Ben?"
"What?" Jimmy flinched involuntarily, his heart cinching in his chest, "What about him? You're the one that wanted to talk about me."
"Wouldn't he be a reason to live?" Kelsey challenged, glaring at Jimmy out of the corner of her eye.
Jimmy fell silent a moment, turning his thoughts over in his head. The air felt suddenly colder, the sky darker.
"It's better this way. His dad was right, you know. I'm not good enough for him, and, well, eventually things would've ended and I would have to leave anyway. Right? I'm the one without attachments there, so it would make sense that I be the one that left when things fell apart and he realized I'm not the person he thinks I am. At least like this…at least this way…I never had to know what it felt like…" Jimmy leaned forward, touched the surface of the water with his finger tips, murmuring, "What it would feel like for him to stop..."
Kelsey made a face, cleared her throat, and prompted, "Stop?"
"Loving me. If that's what he really feels, anyway," Jimmy said, straightening again and gazing out into the distance once more.
"Love is an overrated lie," Kelsey stated, "You and I both know that. It's an excuse people use to manipulate and destroy you."
"I guess."
"Regardless, there are plans for you," Kelsey said, "That's why you need to start listening."
"Listening to what?" Jimmy demanded.
"The signal," Kelsey cried, exasperated.
"I don't hear anything," Jimmy snapped, "There is no signal. There is no…this place! You're just a figment of my blood-loss addled imagination. None of this is real."
"Fine. You're right. This here is all about as real as, well, as real as Ben's love for you," Kelsey sneered.
"Fuck you," Jimmy muttered.
"You want the hard truths and harsh realities. Fine, I'll give them to you. You're dying. No one will miss you. You're just some dumb, worthless orphan that should've died when the aliens invaded with the rest of your family. Your sister was the strong one, she was the good one. She was the one everyone loved and cared about. She was the one that should've lived, but instead you're alive, and she's dead because you killed her."
"Shut up," Jimmy whispered.
"And no, Ben doesn't love you. Sure, he loves the idea of you, or the idea he has of you anyway; a weak, vulnerable, lost, broken little boy and he's the big, strong, capable man that's going to put you back together and protect you from the bad things in your life. Problem is, you are the bad thing. It's inside of you, it's every part of you, it's who you are. He can't protect you from yourself. As soon as he figures it out, he'll realize he never actually loved you at all."
"Just stop," Jimmy pleaded, "What are you trying to prove?"
"And now here you are, dying and not even bothering to feel sorry for yourself because you know it's what you deserve. Always been too smart for your own good, haven't you? Maybe they'll bury you, give you a nice funeral. Possibly burn the body, that'd be the best way. Though they might not even bother, just leave you out in the woods for the animals to get. You'll serve a better purpose in death than you did in life. Do you know what they'll all feel when you're gone?"
"No," Jimmy set his jaw, pushed back the dizzying swirl of emotion pulsating through him.
"Relief. They'll be free of you, and it will be the most satisfying moment for all of them. Collectively, they'll share a sigh, and then move on as though you never existed at all," Kelsey smugly replied.
"That's enough," Jimmy whispered, shook his head, "Why are you here? Why are you bothering me? Shouldn't one of my family members or friends be here? A loved one, or whatever? If this is hell, there are far worse people that could be here than you. So why are you, of all people, here, right now?"
"Because, dumbass, I'm trying to tell you something."
"Tell me what?"
"Listen."
"To what?" Jimmy cried.
"The signal," Kelsey yelled back in frustration.
…
More than three hours after Ben had hidden himself away in the bathroom to clean himself and sulk, Lourdes came to retrieve him. Dr. Glass had finished the surgery, done everything she could, according to Lourdes, the rest was up to Jimmy. It seemed an easy cop out for the doctor. Once she'd left the operation table, somehow she left responsibility for her patient's life behind.
A part of Ben wasn't certain he could face Jimmy in that medic van. Of course, the other part of him couldn't bear the idea of not being beside Jimmy in that moment. He climbed into the van. Dr. Glass was there, standing over Jimmy, inspecting her work. She raised her eyes to meet Ben's briefly, dropped her gaze again and gestured a chair nearby.
Ben didn't move, however. He stared blankly at Jimmy, lying unconscious on the cot. Jimmy's chest was bare, save the bandaging wrapped around his lower midsection. He looked far paler than normal, his lips almost white, and the skin around his eyes was sallow. He had a blanket wrapped over him. Ben stood captivated by the eerie image for countless seconds, until Dr. Glass touched his elbow, startling him into reality.
"How…um…how is he?" Ben asked. His voice was so rife with despair, he worried Dr. Glass wouldn't understand the words.
"He's a strong boy," Dr. Glass said softly, carefully avoiding a direct answer to Ben's question, "He has a strong will. He's been in a lot of difficult situations and managed to get out of them."
"Yeah," Ben agreed, choked back a sob. He moved to pull the chair close to Jimmy's side, took a seat. Dr. Glass watched him a short moment, then ran her hand over her face, rubbing away the weariness and sorrow.
"I would do anything...I would give anything to pull him through this," Dr. Glass said.
"Me too," Ben murmured. He reached a hand out, hesitated for a few heartbeats, and then took hold of Jimmy's hand.
A little time passed in silence then Dr. Glass retreated to the front of the van.
…
"This place," Jimmy noticed, glancing around at the impossibly green hills behind him and little red flowers sprouting from the ground, "It's familiar. I feel like I've been here before."
"Maybe in your dreams," Kelsey teased. She'd taken to standing over him, pacing every so often in agitation, "You've never been here before. You only recognize this place, because it's being built in your blood and your bones. It's a part of you now. Or you're a part of it. I'm not entirely clear on how that works."
"Sounds gruesome," Jimmy muttered, "Is that what you meant before? About there being plans for me?"
"Yes and no."
"It can't be both."
"It can if I say it is," Kelsey argued.
"You sound like my sister," Jimmy complained.
"Or maybe she just always sounded like me."
Jimmy scowled, folded his arms around himself and tipped his chin forward to balance on his chest.
"This is boring. When do I get passed this whole dying bit and finally move on to the actually being dead part?" he demanded.
Kelsey sighed, but said nothing.
"If I'm dying, how come I don't feel anything? Shouldn't it hurt or something? I don't really feel anything. You know, besides a little sad, about people I won't see again, and also, not being able to keep my promise."
"Which promise?" Kelsey said disinterestedly.
Jimmy faltered, furrowed his brow. He had made a lot of promises; to his sister, to himself, to his family, to people in the 2nd Mass, to Ben. He wasn't sure which promise he was more upset about not being able to keep. Absently, his hand went to touch the bullet around his neck, but it wasn't there. Of course it wasn't. Nothing was there. The place wasn't real.
"You are in pain," Kelsey declared when too much time had passed without Jimmy giving a response. She grinned devilishly, "You're in an excruciating amount of pain, as it so happens. Right now, your mental awareness has been separated from your body, so you aren't consciously aware of anything your body is experiencing at the moment. It had to be done. But if you'd like…"
Fire erupted from Jimmy's belly, licking up his limbs. He screamed in uncontrolled agony, feeling as though a million tiny knives were digging their way out of his bones and up through his flesh. Every other sensation beyond that jarring pain was gone. He couldn't see or hear, all he could do was feel. Then, as quickly as it came, the pain subsided and the strangely familiar place slowly formed around Jimmy again.
"Why?" Jimmy gasped, still attempting to regain his bearing.
"Because you asked," Kelsey answered with an easy cruelty.
"No. Why would my awareness need to be separated from my body? You said it had to be done. Why? And who did it?" Jimmy growled.
"I didn't mean that," Kelsey said quickly, her eyes widening, only to narrow once more into thin slit. She looked as though she'd been caught doing something she shouldn't have.
"Why are you here?" Jimmy roared.
…
Jimmy seemed to be struggling for breath or from his pain, Ben couldn't be sure. The other boy fidgeted and gasped on the cot, his hand squirming beneath Ben's own, muscles contracting and shuddering. Jimmy made a few moaning noises, and Dr. Glass swept back into the room. Ben gaped, helpless, uncertain what to do, as the doctor examined Jimmy, retrieved a vial and needle, and swiftly injected something into Jimmy's arm.
"What is that?" Ben demanded.
"It's okay," Dr. Glass soothed, placing a hand on Jimmy's forehead, gently stroking the hair away with a motherly affection, "It's morphine. Only bottle we have, I can't give him much, I was trying not to give him any at all if I didn't have…"
"Yeah. Because why waste it on him," Ben interrupted bitterly, and Dr. Glass startled back a step, looking as though scalded by Ben's words.
"I didn't mean it like that," Dr. Glass said.
"Bullshit," Ben returned. He closed his eyes, his body trembling, he quietly asked, "Be honest, how long do you really think he has?"
"You can't give up on him," Dr. Glass told Ben plaintively, sighed, and said, "He just needs to make it through tonight."
Ben slumped back in the chair, stomach feeling sick again. He took Jimmy's hand once more, and twining their fingers, rested it against his mouth. It was going to be a long night.
…
For a time, Jimmy thought about his family. Would he see them when he died? Could he talk to them? Make apologies or amends? He always wondered what they'd say. If they were watching over him since they died, what commentary would they have on his life, the choices he'd made and the things he'd done?
"Why did you leave?" Jimmy asked.
Kelsey took a seat next to Jimmy again. She watched the water race in along the tide and then drift back out to sea.
"I had somewhere to go," Kelsey answered ambivalently.
"Are you dead? Is that why you're here? Just to let me know I failed you too, same way I failed everyone I ever knew?" Jimmy wondered. Kelsey laughed, genuinely delighted. Jimmy had never heard her laugh before, not a real laugh, at least. It wasn't a bad sound.
"Is that what you think this is? Some way-station between life and death? Like purgatory or something?"
"I don't know. You said I was dying, I figured what else could it be?" Jimmy grumbled.
"Before you were saying it was a figment of your imagination. What happened to that belief?"
"Nothing. I'm still not ruling it out. At some point I'm going to see dead people though, and red men with pointy sticks, right? That's part of the whole death package, isn't it?"
"Red men? With pointy sticks? What for? To shove up your ass?" Kelsey snarled, "That's a lovely picture you've got of the afterlife. And here, all this time, I thought you didn't even believe in God."
"What's God got to do with it?" Jimmy muttered, shifting uncomfortably.
Having faith in the apocalypse wasn't an easy feat, and the only one that seemed capable of pulling it off was forever effervescent Lourdes, but Jimmy had never stopped believing in God, he just stopped believing God cared. Of course, if he were honest with himself, he had stopped believing God cared a long time before the apocalypse.
"Oh right. That would be more befitting of your personality," Kelsey realized, smirking, "Do you ever take a break from all the self-loathing? I can't imagine how Ben puts up with you. You're so pathetic. You must be a really good kisser. Or maybe it's just because you're the only person willing to kiss him. You know, you should really see his head case, that'd definitely put his 'love' for you in perspective."
"So now I'm supposed to believe that you've been inside Ben's head?"
"Is it any more far-fetched than your 'figment of the imagination' and 'purgatory' beliefs?"
Jimmy paused, delicately asked, "Would you be able to see in his head right now?"
"No," Kelsey said, flashed a grin, "No updates for you on your boyfriend. Sorry."
"I'll give you one on yours if you give me one on mine," Jimmy replied.
Kelsey frowned.
"You didn't answer my question. Why did you leave?"
"If I'm a figment of your imagination, I don't know the 'real' me's answer, and if this is purgatory, and your intended destination is hell, I'm likely a demon and not the 'real' me either. Whether I know the true answer or not, a demon is more apt to lie."
Jimmy nodded, "True. But if this is neither and you are the real you?"
"Then I'd tell you it was my business and you can fuck off," Kelsey said.
"It bothered him, when you left. It still bothers him," Jimmy said.
"I don't care," Kelsey whispered with a small tremble in her words that suggested otherwise. Jimmy noted that she didn't bother asking who the "him" was that Jimmy meant.
"You betrayed him, you know. He believed that you cared about him. That you were family and you would look out for each other. That you needed him, as much as he needed you."
"He's a fool. You know that."
"He is a fool," Jimmy conceded, sighing, "He recently decided he liked me, I guess. That he wanted to steal me from Ben or something equally stupid. I don't know what he was thinking. It was never going to happen."
"Really?" Kelsey drawled unconvinced.
Jimmy stared off at the horizon, recalling the feel of Roman's mouth.
"He said he wanted to know the bad side," Jimmy mumbled, sighing heavily, "That Ben only wanted the good, but Roman wanted to see the bad."
"Once Ben saw the bad inside of you, the real you, and decided he couldn't love you, Roman would be there to love you. The real you," Kelsey concluded.
Jimmy shook his head furiously.
"That's what would really happen, isn't it? You wouldn't leave the 2nd Mass, you'd go to Roman, and confirm everything you know about yourself to be true. That you are a horrible, disgusting, despicable person, and Ben can't possibly love you. How could he? Someone who sees only good can't possibly see someone who is entirely and wholly bad," Kelsey jeered "You're not ready to go. You're just a coward running away."
"Yes. I am," Jimmy said, "I can't break his heart anymore."
…
Tears began to stream down Jimmy's cheeks, probably an involuntary reaction from the pain, and gently, Ben brushed them away. He leaned beside Jimmy's shoulder, dropped a few kisses to the unconscious boy's neck and forehead, pushing hair away in absent, comforting strokes. Beyond those soft caresses, Ben was afraid to touch Jimmy, out of fear he'd jostle the injuries, make things worse. He wished he knew what Jimmy was feeling or thinking at that moment. There were things he needed to hear from Jimmy, and things he needed Jimmy to hear.
Though it seemed otherwise unimportant, Ben noticed the bullet that he'd given Jimmy was missing. He wondered if Jimmy ever wore it at all, only to spot it on the counter top nearby. Slowly, he wandered across the room and picked it up. He examined it with an overly attentive eye. A bit of blood stained one side, and he frowned, attempted to clean it on his shirt.
Sitting again in the chair, Ben curled the chain round his fingers and watched Jimmy mournfully. Placing the bullet in own palm and tightening his fingers around it, he took up Jimmy's hand in his own again. He took a deep breath.
"You'll give me hell for this, when you wake up," Ben murmured, emotion cracked his voice and he coughed to clear it away, continued, "But I'm not going to be able to keep my promise." He took another deep breath, let it out slow, "Our future. I told you I'd give it to you and…and, well, babe, I don't think I can anymore."
Ben rose, pushed the hair back from Jimmy's face and dropped kisses along Jimmy's forehead, eyelids, cheeks, and nose, placing a firm and unwavering kiss to Jimmy's mouth.
"I need you. I need you in the world. I'll be happy, so long as you're here," Ben continued, sitting again and placing Jimmy's hand against his mouth once more, "And that's why I need you to get better. I need you to keep your promise to me. To stay here, and see the war to its end, and continue to live after. You have to keep your promise to me. I know, I know, it's not fair, baby, that I'm asking you, I'm begging you, please keep your promise, even though I have to break mine. I just, I can't go on if you're not here."
Ben stood up a little, and carefully fumbled to slip the bullet's chain around Jimmy's neck. He straightened the bullet on Jimmy's chest, letting his fingertips linger across the skin a moment, then he slumped in his chair, dropping his head into his hands.
"Please, don't leave me."
.
.
.
AN: **Had to go back and make some edits. Didn't proof this before posting. Horrendously unforgivable amount of errors.**
Yeah. Next chapter is going to be very much the same as this, and I think there's either two or three chapters left after this...probably three, maybe four. No more than four.
Let me know what you thought!
And now for some bad news. There might not be an update next week. Why? Because I've got about three or four weeks left of classes; three papers to write, a huge poster to create, and a bunch of tests to study for. School sucks. I may update Raising Skies though.
Reviewers: cubelixa1, yay! drama is fun. And Ben is getting the emotional crap beat out of him right now, sorry about that. Funny, though, that Ben's pain is killing you yet I enjoy torturing my favorite character (Jimmy). What does that say about me? NOxONE, yessssssssssssss, I'm gonna do it. Do what exactly, I'm not sure. Trusting me was your first mistake. Not trusting me would be your second. I have a direction, I swear. Seriously, people, please read all the way to the end of this, I swear I know where I'm going with it. Sort of. We might've taken a right when we should've taken a left awhile back, but it's fine. I know a detour, is all. LuckyDreamer91, first things first, I got the job. The writing I sent them wasn't weak after all! Well, it was, but they didn't seem to notice, I guess. And yes, sweet stuff! I love sweet stuff. i already ate six or seven cookies today tho, so I should probably avoid the sweets right now. I'm glad you felt the emotion in that chapter, hopefully it was in this chapter too? And no worries, it is definitely one of the major thoughts in my mind that Ben needs his own Maggie. Technically, I've given him that person (**cough, cough, Hal, cough**), but really, Ben is a lot like Jimmy in that he has support from people who love him, he just doesn't see it or realize. I am, however, going to be expanding Jimmy and Ben's inner circle a lot in the next part of the story. Dee, dearest, Dee. That was a short review, but it was sweet too. Sometimes, admittedly, I pick out background music to go with scenes in my stories, and every time the songs come on, I picture the scenes I associated them with. I didn't pick one out for that scene tho, and I've never heard that song before. I should look it up. Hold on a sec. Okay, good pick. I like it. Yeah, Compass surprising lacked a lot of the emotions it should've, but I've ranted enough on that for a lifetime. No more rants. I'm glad you thought my interpretation of the scene was good, though. It hurt a little writing it. I didn't want to think too much about how Ben felt while attempting to get Jimmy down. The next chapters are going to be harder to write, tbh, because I have a lot of trouble seeing my Ben going on without Jimmy. I can't say anything about your speculations, but I hope that you find it interesting how things play out. I'm a little worried about it, personally, but we'll see.
Thanks for stopping in guys. Maybe I'll see you next Sunday, though probably not, unless you're reading Raising SKies. I guess I'll definitely update Raising Skies. So yeah, I'll see you there if you're there.