Chapter 124 Reverie

Staring at the familiar pattern of squares along the ceiling of the brig, Kara gave a frustrated sigh. She should be sleeping, tired didn't even come close, and yet it seemed impossible to shut down her chaotic thoughts. Rubbing at her gritty eyes, she recalled the Doc's admonishment to consume fluids and figured that she could blame some of her crappy feeling on dehydration.

Letting her hand fall back to her side, Kara glanced over at the duty guard and frowned. She knew the man, but only by sight. From this distance, she couldn't make out his name badge, but he reminded her of someone. Pushing aside the irritation at her inability to place the face, she looked to the clock above his head, confirming that it had been over two hours now since she'd been escorted by Mathias to her present cell, and just under one since the kid had replaced the Sergeant as her keeper. Three hours spent rehashing not just the confrontation in the Admiral's quarters, but everything that had happened since making the jump to the Ionian Nebula.

Swinging her legs around, she sat on the edge of the cot and rested her head in her hands. What the frak's wrong with me, she angrily wondered, for it wasn't the argument with the Old Man or Roslin's suspicion that kept turning her stomach. Hell, it wasn't even seeing Lee again. Instead, every time she closed her eyes she saw Leoben's head jerk back as Sam's bullet torn through the Cylon. And it wasn't even as if she hadn't seen the bastard die before. The many times she'd killed him on New Caprica had never left her feeling like this.

Leveraging herself to her sock-clad feet, ignoring the inquiring look the young Marine gave her, Kara moved to the farthest corner of the cell. The bulkhead felt cool against the heat of her bruised cheek and she enjoyed the relief for a moment before her mind insisted on replaying the Old Man's initial warmth then his implacable denial. She didn't really blame him for striking her, after all she'd not only gone AWOL for a second time, but come back with such an implausible story that there was no reason he should believe her.

She slid a hand up the nearest bar, gripping it tight as she recalled trying to explain to the pair about the mandala she'd seen and how she'd just known that this was the moment she'd been building to her entire life. The expression on the Admiral's face before he'd looked away had said it all. He thought she was crazy. All her talk of finger-painted circles as a child, sketches later in notebooks, splashes of color on apartment walls, none of it lent any credence in his mind to the idea that she had to leave her escort duty to harp off who knows where. He probably thought she'd hallucinated the entire thing—blaming it on the effects of the radiation and stims if he was feeling charitable or more likely, just figuring that she'd cracked again and was delusional. In either case, he obviously hadn't put any stock in her revelation that she'd actually found Earth.

I probably wouldn't believe me either with a frakked-up story like that.

As Kara shifted her weight off her weaker knee, she frowned, perplexed about how to read Laura's response to her tale. The older woman's initial hostility had seemed to completely disappear after the slap. But she didn't trust the concern she'd seen that had replaced it. There was something going on with Roslin and the woman's belated attempts to hide her skepticism hadn't fooled Kara.

The final blow had come when Kara had told them that she needed a Raptor. She was sure that she could find the mandala again if the Admiral would just give her a bird and enough time to return to the radiation storm.

They had both simultaneously answered 'No' in tones that told her that they wouldn't be swayed. Not that she hadn't tried, reminding them that the prize was Earth, that it wasn't like she was risking anyone but herself. The vehemence of their refusal she put down to their belief that she was a lunatic and it was safer to lock her up than just give her a ship and let her loose. Her reading of their reasons seemed confirmed when the Admiral had stepped to the hatch and directed the Sergeant to escort Kara to the brig. By that point she had been too exhausted to even feel bitter about the order and had followed Mathias without a backwards glance at the pair.

By all rights she should have collapsed and been enjoying the sleep of the dead on the brig's too familiar cot, yet here she stood in the cell's corner, thoughts staggering off along tangents of what-ifs or flashing images of blood and grey matter against a metal background. The temptation to slam her forehead against the unyielding surface of the wall in the hopes of finding some form of oblivion was interrupted by the sound of the brig's exterior hatch swinging open.

She didn't bother turning even when she recognized that it was Lee's voice as he ordered the guard to give him the keys and wait on the other side of the hatch. He even went so far as to suggest the fellow take his book and chair, indicating that his presence wasn't going to be needed for quite awhile.

Her shoulders drooped further at the thought of having to relate her story all over again. Abruptly overwhelmed, her eyes stung and she clenched them closed against the traitorous moisture. She couldn't do this thing with Lee. Not now. Please, just not now.

"Kara?" His voice was low, tentative and much closer; she hadn't heard him unlock the cell door and enter.

As he repeated her name from just behind now, she shook her head, refusing to turn to face him when only the grip on the bar and the stability of the wall were keeping her upright. At the sound of his light tread moving away, the feeling that she'd fly apart if he touched her eased just the slightest and she was able to loosen her throat enough to force out a question.

"What do you want, Lee?"

There was a moment of silence and she could feel his gaze on her back before he finally answered.

"Just wanted to make sure you're ok."

She huffed out a breath then choked on the urge to laugh. Ok? No, she wasn't frakking ok. Hadn't been in she didn't know how long. Maybe never had.

Behind her, she heard the slight squeak of springs as a weight settled on the cot. It finally prompted her to turn to find Lee sitting at the end of the bed. His expression was heavy with concern and she had to look away when too many emotions threatened to buckle her already shaky balance.

"Come sit before you fall down," he quietly said, and Kara reluctantly returned her gaze to his.

"Gods, Lee. I don't need you to tell me what to do. I'm not a child," her muttered words sounding petulant even to her own ears.

"Then stop acting like one, Kara," he replied, but the smile he gave her countered any sting. Then, "Come on. I promise not to bite. Not even a nibble," he coaxed, patting the spot beside him.

Resignedly she crossed the short space and would have liked to flounce down in a display of pique but the effort was beyond her. Instead, her knees folded and she sank onto the mattress at an equal space between the head of the bunk and where he sat, hoping he'd take the hint that she wasn't trying to distance herself from him but also wasn't ready to deal with him yet. Leaning back against the wall for support, she kept her gaze rigidly forward and waited.

"You haven't slept," a statement more than a question, but she moved her head sideways in jerky confirmation. "Stretch out, then," he said, and this time her gaze shifted to him in confusion as he scooted further towards the end. "I mean it. You don't have to tell me anything. We don't have to talk at all."

Her eyes widened slightly in disbelief. Was Lee really not here to demand explanations from her? Berate her for dereliction of duty or something? If not that, then why had he bothered coming? Imperceptibly giving another shake of her head, she set the question of his presence aside for another time when trying to think wasn't like wading through sludge. As she wet her lips, the idea of being horizontal became irresistibly appealing and she slid down to the side until her head rested on the thin pillow, but her legs still dangled at an uncomfortable angle over the edge of the bunk. Then hands were on her ankles and she felt them lifted and settled across Lee's lap.

"You just gonna sit there?" she mumbled, then twitched as his hands began to slowly massage along the instep of her feet, gently kneading them through the thin material of the fleet-issued socks.

He gave her an amiable, "Yup," and continued his ministrations. As his fingers carefully worked each of her toes, Kara gave up and finally let herself relax fully into the comfort of his touch

…and her eyelids drooped shut on a sigh of pleasure.

[ ]

Lee was careful to keep the pressure light as he felt Kara's tension ease and her breathing quiet into the slow rhythm of sleep. It felt good to just be able to sit here with her, be allowed the opportunity to touch her again. But between one breath and the next, the suppressed sense of loss abruptly resurfaced and caught him by surprise. Kara was alive. She was here and alive and breathing and cussing and kicking everything over just like usual. So why the hell did he feel like he'd just been eviscerated by the same grief that had unstrung him not that many weeks ago?

Working to loosen the clenched muscles of his jaw, Lee was hyper-cautious not to let his hands betray the sudden turmoil that had gripped the rest of his body. This was idiotic. Here he was with Kara returned in all of her undaunted glory and yet he felt like he was on the verge of a grief-induced panic attack. Forcing his focus to narrow on slowing his breathing and on the steady motion of his hands upon her feet he was able to unravel the knots of fear and anguish that had seized him. As the last strands finally released, fatigue settled in their stead and he tried to recall when he'd last slept. The past days of Baltar's trial had kept him tensed with torn loyalties that wouldn't let up in the few moments he'd allowed himself to rest.

Sighing silently, his thoughts trailed over the events since the not-guilty verdict had been read. Like everyone else, he'd been caught off guard by the power outage that had swept over Galactica. He'd made his way towards the hanger bay, needing to be where he might be of use, so he'd been present and suited up when the ship's power had been as mysteriously restored.

If anyone had thought to ask why he'd felt such a gut-sure need to retrieve the Heavy Raider instead of just destroying it, he never would have been able to give a sufficient reason. He'd just known it was important. Never had he suspected how its occupants would change everything. At his first sight of Kara, he'd been momentarily frozen as he'd taken in her presence standing beside her latest souvenir and glaring up at his father. He couldn't remember crossing the deck then, only the feel of her in his arms and her rapid breath on his neck as she'd returned his hug.

His euphoria had been quickly dampened by the following confrontations in sickbay and then later in the Admiral's quarters. And then there was what little he had learned after leaving the cabin and following the XO to the Cylon holding cell.

The guard on duty had held to his orders from the Admiral that no one, regardless of rank, was allowed to enter the cell. Lee had thought he was going to have to physically restrain the XO when Tigh had gotten nose-to-nose with the hapless Corporal and demanded the keys. He had to give the Marine credit though, he'd refused to flinch from the older officer though he had thrown a silent plea Lee's way as the Colonel's harangue devolved into threats against the soldier's ancestors and potential descendents.

Lee had lifted the cell's handset and waved for Ellen to pick up the matching one before drawing the XO's attention and waving the receiver as an invitation. Saul had accepted it with bad grace but had quickly settled as Ellen spoke to him. Without going into the observation booth, Lee could only hear Tigh's side of the conversation but it hadn't been difficult to tell that the woman was explaining how she'd come to be a Cylon. The Colonel's side-glances at him had also spoken volumes of how he'd rather be having the conversation in private, but Lee had known that that wasn't going to be possible any time soon. Not after the level of suspicion the Admiral and President had shown with Kara. They weren't about to release a known skinjob until they were sure she didn't pose a threat—regardless of whose wife she was. He supposed that maybe some arrangement could be made for Ellen to join Tigh in his quarters under close guard, but that was undoubtedly after she'd been thoroughly debriefed.

Listening then to the Colonel's questions, a few of them struck Lee as odd, though he guessed that maybe it wasn't so strange to be asking about how it felt to discover that her past was a lie and if she thought that she'd been programmed like Boomer. One thing that had caught his undivided attention was when Saul had asked Ellen if she knew who the remaining three Cylons were. She had tensed and glanced at Lee and the Marine just behind him before slowly shaking her head and returning a challenging look at her husband. The Colonel had held himself still and hadn't pressed further on the subject.

Well, that wouldn't do.

Lee was positive that he'd seen fear flicker through the woman's eyes before she'd hidden it and in his gut was also positive that she had just lied. After the day's events, he was even more inclined to trust in that instinct. He knew then that he was going to have to suggest to his father that a more aggressive interrogation be conducted by an unbiased party. But that could wait until after Kara revealed whatever secrets she'd felt too important to divulge to anyone but the President and Admiral.

Now, leaning back against the brig's cold bulkhead with Kara asleep beside him, Lee wished that he had donned his suit jacket when he'd change from the flightsuit into the dress shirt and slacks he'd worn for the trial. That was another thing that had underscored the exhaustion he'd read in Kara's eyes and body: she hadn't asked about his civilian garb. He was pretty certain she hadn't even noticed.

He wasn't sure how long ago she'd been escorted to the brig, but by all rights she should have been sleeping by the time he'd made his way here. His brows drew together in worry as he stared down at her, noting how the pinched lines of her face had finally smoothed as she slept. His mouth went dry at the thought of what experiences had put those lines there. Admitting it to himself, Lee wasn't sure he wanted to know. He was still trying to come to terms with all she'd been through before. Shame quickly followed that thought as he berated himself for being weak. Kara had suffered whatever those bastards had done to her and had to live with it. He only had to deal with the knowledge after the fact.

A frakking coward.

Lifting a hand, he scrubbed at his jaw and swore that he'd be a better man this time around. Be the man that Kara needed. The thought led him back to the Cylon holding cell and Kara's pseudo-husband within.

Lee remembered that while listening to Tigh catch up with his wife, thinking that perhaps he'd get more from Anders and had shifted his attention then to the four other occupants of the specially built cell. The Six that called herself Caprica had moved off into a corner to speak with the pseudo-reporter D'Anna Biers. Since he'd known that sensitive listening devices were recording their every word, he'd let his gaze move on to where the tall form of Sam Anders leaned against the far wall and blue eyes had locked with their counterpart. His gaze had dropped then to linger on the man's bare arms and the pale, unmarked skin of his right bicep. Anders must have noted his attention to the missing tattoo and read something of the Lee's satisfaction at its absence for the man had straightened and regarded him with a wariness that hadn't been there the moment before.

As Lee lightly cupped Kara's feet, one thing that had always bothered him surfaced as he recalled the shift in Anders' bearing as the two of them had scrutinized each other through the cell's mesh re-enforced walls. Had her husband ever suspected that she and Lee were more than just comrade-in-arms? Had Kara ever confessed to Anders how the night before their abrupt nuptials she had first moaned Lee's name and then shouted her proclamation of love for him into the New Caprican night?

He ground his teeth at the certainty that the later had never happened, but he still wasn't sure about the former. Regardless, during that moment facing each other, Lee knew that he'd put Anders on notice that the ex-pyramid player didn't have an exclusive claim on her anymore.

His eyes shifted again, settling on Kara's swollen lip and he didn't hold back the scowl this time. He had immediately noticed it when she'd finally turned from her position in the corner of the cell, but he'd also seen that she was on the point of collapse and realized that it wasn't the time to demand explanations. As he studied how the perfect curve of her mouth had been marred, he tried to work out when she could've had time to mix it up with someone. She'd been fine when he'd left her in the Admiral's quarters. So, either there had been a scuffle with a guard or…

Heat rose up his neck, chasing an ugly suspicion that became a nasty hiss in his mind. Kara had been alone with Laura and his father. She'd had a secret that she was afraid to reveal to a wider audience. And while his dad had never been the kind to physically discipline either he or Zak during his periods of presence in their childhood, Lee still knew he had a temper. His nostrils flared as he recalled his dad confessing how he had shoved Kara from her chair when challenging her over her post-New Caprican behavior. So the idea that his father had struck Kara seemed plausible and Lee had to restrain the urge to go confront him right then and there. Only the weight of her feet in his lap held him in place.

Flexing his fingers and rotating his neck, Lee sought to calm the outrage so as not to disturb the resting figure. His dad could wait.

As the flush of rage receded, his thoughts shifted to what she could have possibly said to incite such a response. For as angry as he was at the Admiral, Lee knew that it must have taken a potent provocation for him to descend to the level of striking her. The idea that Kara had confessed that she really was a Cylon crossed his mind, but he immediately dismissed it, reminding himself of Cottle's assurances otherwise. So, if not that, then what else could have stirred his father to such a violent reaction?

Lee gave a frustrated sigh and let his head thump softly against the wall in recognition that he wasn't going to find out until one of the primaries decided to fill him in. He blinked repeatedly as the brig's harsh light made his eyes ache. Then again, all of him ached he abruptly realized.

He shut his eyes and concentrated on the steady in and out whisper of Kara's respiration as she slept. Slowly his own picked up a matching rhythm and he began to drift.