There was no way around the fact; she even tried to justify the act as not really being her own. She tried to convince herself she was not in control; to tell herself she was possessed and therefore not culpable for the deed. While all of this was true, and may even hold up in trial if it came to that, it didn't change the real truth of the matter. The deed was done, and it was her who now had to deal with the consequences.
And reap the benefits of that deed. Whether she wanted it or not, whether she liked it or not, that was the reality that Tabetha was living in now. If she was going to be truly honest, the benefits seemed at least worth the risks; her thoughts seemed clearer, purer. She felt even stronger than she had before. It was simply a matter of avoiding getting caught. Now was not the time to start to panic. She would have to cover her tracks.
The first thing, even before worrying about the taint on her soul, was finding a way to explain the absence of Strauss. That would be no easy task; he was the Regent of the Chantry and Harpy of the city after all. He would be missed, and soon. As for the taint, it was entirely possible that nobody would even think to look; save possibly for Marko. His 'Network' might prompt him, especially since he knew for certain that Strauss had returned to Los Angeles. Also his escorts from the Pontifex would know, though they didn't really matter much. As far as local Tremere and other Kindred were concerned, she could make up some story or another about his absence; perhaps that he was called back to Vienna. Such an account might even escape the notice of the Pontifex for awhile. Then of course there would be the Seven to answer for; that would prove to be an obstacle.
Wait, child...
Tabetha's train of thought was momentarily derailed; that was the first time she remembered the Founder's words being distinctly separate from her thoughts. She'd had thoughts that were really his, but not so distinctly separate. It was as if she could actually feel him leaving her conscious. The feeling was terribly unpleasant; it left her disoriented, confused, uncertain...
Where are you? What are you doing? Why have you done this to me?
There was no response. He was just gone.
Going back to an old trick from her mortal days, Tabetha took a deep breath. Then she took another. Back when she was mortal, she sometimes had anxiety attacks; what she was feeling now was similar to that, so maybe regulated breathing would help now as it did then. It was worth a try...
Breathe in; counting to four...
Hold it; counting to four...
Breathe out; counting to four...
Hold it; counting to four...
Slowly but surely, her thoughts became clearer, more ordered. Little bit by little bit, her focus came back. She wasn't sure how long she kept up the breathing pattern, but it was working; since she no longer required oxygen, she was certain it had more to do with the pattern itself. It was the whole systemizing and organizing it encouraged that was allowing her to center her sense of self and her place in the Universe. This was a trick she learned not from any shrink or doctor, but from a professor in a night course she took in esoteric sciences. As she reflected on her life from then to when she came to Los Angeles to when she met her sire to now, it started to become clear that were no accidents in any of it, all of it happened for a reason.
In her mind, she could hear applause; the Founder had returned to her. Not just the Founder, there were others.
Well done, child! Now you begin to understand why I have chosen you. Long before your embrace, I knew you were the right for this part of our destiny.
Your plan to cover your tracks regarding the traitor Strauss will suffice.
Strauss was a traitor? How can that be? He was nothing but loyal to the Clan...
He had betrayed ME! He was taking steps to try to stop me from fulfilling my new plan for all our kind!
You will be named acting Regent of Los Angeles until a more appropriate candidate can be appointed.
Your role is much more important than that.
What is my role? What is this plan, this new vision you are speaking of?
And then the Founder told her everything, including the part Marko was to play; that was, if he actually cooperated. She had to point out the Malkavian was unpredictable. Still, she trusted the Founder and the Seven more than ever now, and they were certain she could handle Mark Oxford and his Network if given the right tools for the job.
For the first time in a long time, Tabetha Toussaint cracked a smile.