Summary: What should have happened at the Council of Elrond

Disclaimer: Guess what? I had a DNA test and it turns out I'm a direct descendant of JRR Tolkein... No? Really? Okay. Oh, and neither do I own Family Guy. Yes, that's important for the last two lines. Just saying...

"Strangers from distant lands. Friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate - this one doom." The elf lord gestured to the pedestal. "Bring forth the ring, Frodo."

Frodo silently rose and placed the ring upon the pedestal. Boromir watched in awe, bringing his hand to his mouth - a strange trait amongst men. "So it is true."

The Hobbit returned to his seat beside Gandalf, seemingly relieved. Each member of the council stared at the ring, as if it were a figment of their imagination.

The ring began whispering to each council member in turn, each hearing something different.

'When was the last time you shaved?'

'Your eyebrows are brown; did you bleach your hair, elf?'

'Must you always scowl?'

Boromir raised from his seat after hearing one of his men whisper, "The Doom of Men."

"In a dream, I saw the eastern sky grow dark. But in the West a pale light lingered. A voice was crying: 'Your doom is near at hand.'" He approached the ring on the pedestal and continued. "Isildur's Bane is found."

He reached out.

Elrond leaped up, as if his seat was covered in pins. "Boromir!"

"BOROMIR YOU FOOL OF A STEWARD!" Gandalf roared in the language of the Black Speech of Mordor. "DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING THAT **** RING YOU *******!" He took a deep breath, calming down, and returned to his seat.

Elrond turned to the wizard slowly. "Never has any voice uttered the words of that tongue here in Imladris."

Gandalf, voice raspy, replied. "I do not ask your pardon, Master Elrond, for the Black Speech of Mordor may yet be heard in every corner of the West. The Ring is all together evil."

"You have only one choice." Elrond spoke clearly. "The Ring must be destroyed."

"We?" Saelbeth whispered to the elf sat beside him. "What, is he no longer part of this world?"

"Then what are we waiting for?" Gimli rose from his seat, grabbed his axe and...

He was repelled back, being thrown high into the air and landing on the floor with a giant crack. Concurrently, Frodo winced as he saw the Eye of Sauron in his mind.

The elves snickered.

"The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Glóin, by any craft that we here possess." Elrond explained quickly. "The Ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came."

Legolas suddenly rose from his seat. "Son of Glóin?!"

Gimli then rose himself from the floor, ignoring his possible dislocation. "Yes, what of it?"

"Let me give you a clue." The elf hissed. "I am Legolas Thranduillion, Prince of the Woodland Realm."

"Mirkwood." Lindir whispered to Aragorn, who laughed under his breath.

"Daro!" Elrond yelled harshly, growing tired of this mixed council. "The Ring must be destroyed! One of you must do this."

"One of us?" One of the dwarves asked defiantly. "I like how you have so eagerly dismissed yourself."

"I have already, as the men would say, been there and done that." The elf lord defended himself.

Silence filled the air.

Until Boromir disturbed it. "One does not simply walk into Mordor." And so the Internet meme was born.

Legolas glared at Boromir defiantly. "Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed."

"And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?!" The son of Glóin yelled.

Boromir rose once again. "And if we fail, what then?! What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?!"

"I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an Elf!" Gimli retorted.

Legolas gasped. "But in the hands of Sauron, it is just fine. Is that what you're saying?!"

Elrond raised a tired hand to his tired head as the council erupted in a massive argument. This was probably the most words Lindir had ever said in front of any one elf. Amongst the angry yells and cried, Elrond heard the same troublesome dwarf shout the words "never trust an elf" which led him to wonder why he attended a council held by elves.

Instead of watching the argument, Frodo focused on the reflection of the figures on the Ring, as he believed it would add to the suspense.

"I will take it!" Frodo shouted, rising from his seat. Full of determination, he approached the arguing council and spoke louder as to make himself heard. "I will take it!"

The argument died down. Astonished, the members of the council turned towards the Hobbit.

And it was from this day forth all on Middle-Earth will remember the phrase, 'Frodo it gre- who is that?!'

"I will take the Ring to Mordor." Frodo elaborated, in case some of the council members had forgotten what they were talking about. "Though - I do not know the way."

Gandalf walked towards Frodo and softly said. ""I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, as long as it is yours to bear." He reassuringly placed his hands on Frodo's small shoulders.

In awe, Aragorn rose. "If by my life or death, I can protect you, I will." He walked over to the Hobbit and knelt, presenting his weapon. "You have my sword."

"And you have my bow." Legolas added, walking over to join them.

Gimli shot the elf a grim look as he joined the group. "And my axe."

Frodo smiled at the three beings and took their weapons. "Thank you very much."

"Heh!" A voice yelled from behind some bushes. Sam. "Mister Frodo is not goin' anywhere without me!"

Elrond failed to hide his amused look as the Hobbit walked over to stand beside his friend. "No indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not."

It was at this moment Pippin and Merry decided to join them. They emerged from their hiding place - the pillars. "Wait! We are coming too!"

"You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!" Merry said confidently.

"Anyway you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission, quest… thing." Pippin added.

"Well that rules you out Pip."

Elrond quickly did a head count. 5... 6... 7... 8... Eight companions. No, wait. He didn't see the dwarf down there. Nine. "Nine companions… So be it! You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!"

Meanwhile, in Quahog, Rhode Island...

"Hahaha he said it!"

And now I would just like to say thanks for all the lovely reviews so far. Here's a riddle. The man who makes it doesn't want it. The man who wants it doesn't use it. The man who's using it doesn't know he is using it.